Trying to maintain my perspective, but feeling lost and angry

[JadeIshka]

Hi everyone,

My second (and current) husband is BPD and I have three children from a first marriage who met my husband when they were 7, 5, and 1. They are now 21, 19, and 15.

BPDh and I have an 11 year old together.

Parenting is the main point of disagreement between us (I am an attachment parent; BPDh has abuse and abandonment issues).

Recently, my 21 yo son started seeing a counselor, and unearthed a sad memory. He called me to ask if I remember a time when he was cowering under a chair as my BPDh threatened to hit him "upside the head" with a broom.

My heart sank. I remember something like that, but it was a shovel, and we were outside--I don't recall a chair. My son and I talked, and he told me that he's trying to figure out if the memories he has are real. I shared my own memories, and encouraged him to keep looking, asking, going to counseling. He doesn't trust my BPDh to this day (and not just for this event) and of course, that's entirely understandable.

I do not nor will I EVER begrudge my children their process in getting help and reconciling the traumas from their past (FTR, BPDh did NOT hit anyone ever, but he did say violent things... .I think he thought they were funny or something).

What I'm struggling with for myself is feeling ashamed of his past behavior... .feeling like I didn't do enough to protect my children. Feeling like why didn't I divorce him right then and there? We've been trying for years to work through things, and actually his behavior is VASTLY improved. I'm trying to bear that in mind, but revisiting that memory and knowing my son is dealing with it too has upset me all over again. I can barely look BPDh in the eye right now--and he has no idea why. I love him, tremendously, but I'm so angry about what he did--and that he doesn't naturally understand that reparations must be made (and that my kids would WELCOME an overture from him). Sadly, his apologies, when offered (rarely) go something like this: "I'm sorry I did X, but you did Y and therefore... ." Ugh.

I guess I needed to say all of that, and am open to any advice or support anyone can muster. It's Christmas Eve and I want so much to clear my heart of this for a little while--at least until I can get back to counseling.

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[Bair]

JadeIshka,

Past issues with the kids are always tough for me to deal with.  I often wish I had done something different to protect the kids from my w.  I sometimes get very sad looking back on how I was not protective or supportive enough.  I am willing to bet, like me, you did the best you knew to do at the time.

In my childhood I had some issues with one of my grandmothers.  I can remember being angry at my parents for not protecting me from her.  In time, I saw my parents did the best they knew how. I hope your son comes to the same conclusion.  It is nice that he has talked to you some about the issues.  Our boys won't address it directly so we don't know what amends to make.  It is hard but it sounds like you will work through it.

[thisworld]

JadeIshka,

I think you are a good mother for recognizing what happened to your son. My mother used to denying, rationalize, tell me to forgive etc etc but not one moment empathize and I think this attitude hurt me more than the acts of the transgressor. You say you feel like you didn't do enough. How would you feel about focusing on your relationship with your child and try to repair that for both of you now? I think that may even be more important than the BPD's apology, but of course it is different for everyone.