She knows our marriage is almost over. She talks about how I am going to leave.

[Huskypilot87]

Happy holidays and Merry Christmas to all. Tonight is Christmas Eve, the little ones are snuggled in their beds waiting for ole St. Nic to visit tonight and bring lots of goodies! Everyone is happy as can be except... .well you guessed it, us.

I have been with her for 14 years, married for almost six. In total, that I know of, I have been cheated on 6 times in varying degrees. The worst one was secretly for two years with a Hispanic male in which she got pregnant by.

Well, flash forward to now and she loves watching this TV show "Teen Moms." For those who don't know, it is about teenage girls who have gotten pregnant by less than ideal suitors and all the drama that follows. It is now on the who knows what season so they are all grown up now.

Why must this bother me? Well she hollers things at the TV about how bad these people are and all the messed up things that they do, when in all reality, she has done them all to me. She made a comment, for example, about one person who would not let their spouse see their child at one point. She yells about how she would never let me get away with that, how messed up it was. Well in my mind I'm thinking about the time she took our two kids and drove across the entire state and wouldn't let me see my kids for over a month.

She then goes on about these Hispanic fellows on the show. She keeps saying how they aren't so bad they are good. Both are jobless, tatted up, and say the F word repeatedly in front of the children. I get upset though because the person she got pregnant by was Hispanic, so obviously there is a negative association.

She just doesn't get it. She asked me tonight what was on my mind and I told her, nicely of course. It makes me uncomfortable making so much praise for individuals on this show that seem to mimic the person/people shes had affairs with. Her response... just goes to bed.

She knows our marriage is almost over. She talks about how I am going to leave her. She knows how messed up the things she has done are. Yet everything, she continues. I just don't understand. Where is the empathy? She knows that watching such a show upsets me. She sees me staring off into space with my mind doing 1000mph. Why not interject like I would?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Notwendy]

Sorry this is a not so happy Christmas for you.

I think that there is a lot of wisdom on this board- especially the lessons.

Part of dealing with these relationships is to focus on ourselves- what is it about us that has us in them? How are we contributing to the dysfunction? How are we adding to the drama and emotional hurt in them?

You mentioned co-dependency in another thread. It is common that people in such relationships deal with that.

Your wife has behaviors that feel hurtful to you. This is understandable but it keeps the focus on her and her behaviors. You are asking why she does things that hurt you? I don't know the answer. I think one key is to focus on behaviors, values, and boundaries, not motives. This is because motives might be the emotion in the moment, and when they are over, they are over and even possibly forgotten.

Your wife may not even connect her actions with the characters on TV. A common phenomenon is projection. She could be projecting her own feelings or shame onto the characters, while not connecting that to anything about her. While this feels hurtful, it is important to understand that many behaviors of pwBPD are not about you, but about them. What hurts is making them about you, and it could be that they have nothing to do with you, and so you don't have to feel hurt. However, you can have boundaries, and enforce them. If infidelity is a boundary then, perhaps this is something you are not willing to risk the relationship over. It may be that you don't know what to do, but starting with learning about boundaries and how to enforce them is a start.

What will happen to your relationship and what will you do? I don't think anyone has the answer to that, and perhaps you don't either and that is where you are at right now. However, one thing you can do regardless of a relationship or not is start on a path of emotional growth. Start with the lessons to the right of this page.