Questions on how to deal when they confront you in person

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi,

Not sure how to start.  But, I had an affair with a BPD lady and have tried to end it for over a year.  Both of us are married with children.  December 1st I told my wife what was going on and then told the BPD lady that I told her and she needed to leave me alone.  I also called her husband and told him because she threatened suicide.  She freaked and called my work, home and showed up at my house. I told her face to face to leave me alone or I would call cops and get a restraining order.  She left me alone until today 1/5/2016.  She called my work 6 times, left messages emailed and when I came home she was waiting for me so I drove off.  Now she is calling my wifes work and cell phone. 

What do I say to her when she confronts me in person?  What should my wife do?  My wife has already texted her and told her to leave her alone.  How do I get rid of this person?

[brownstone]

Hi,

Not sure how to start.  But, I had an affair with a BPD lady and have tried to end it for over a year.  Both of us are married with children.  December 1st I told my wife what was going on and then told the BPD lady that I told her and she needed to leave me alone.  I also called her husband and told him because she threatened suicide.  She freaked and called my work, home and showed up at my house. I told her face to face to leave me alone or I would call cops and get a restraining order.  She left me alone until today 1/5/2016.  She called my work 6 times, left messages emailed and when I came home she was waiting for me so I drove off.  Now she is calling my wifes work and cell phone. 

What do I say to her when she confronts me in person?  What should my wife do?  My wife has already texted her and told her to leave her alone.  How do I get rid of this person?

[Deb]

You already told her to leave you alone and so has your wife. Maybe you need to follow through with the RO. She is harrassing you and your wife. You also may want to let your employer know she is harrassing you.

[ForeverDad]

Apparently her actions (suicidal comments, etc) caused you to naturally inform someone.  Likely she was trying to control you - suicide threats are either real contemplations or slick emotional manipulation/coercion to involve you - but you didn't fall for it.  So now she's been triggered.  Do you know why she's trying to contact you?  While it would be nice to resolve it, likely she wont listen to reason, there's too much emotional baggage for her to get past that.

Sadly, 'closure' is a rarity in ended BPD relationships.  Both have to Let Go and then Move On.

Hmm... .Can you try the least impactful steps first?  Below is a quote from a few months back, since you've already asked her to stay away, start with just a neutral lawyer notice letter or a police officer to ask her to leave you alone.  Only after such efforts fail would you take the bigger step of court action.  Why last?  Because that's when the ante is upped and she may try to make you look worse than her by making allegations.

You may want to consider taking it in steps.  First, next time she makes contact, ask her not to contact you ever again, be firm, don't leave an opening for 'sometimes'.  Or if you don't want to wait you could respond to her latest contact and tell her to stop.  Second, maybe a letter from a lawyer might have an impact that you alone saying No didn't accomplish.  Third, seek a no contact order or equivalent from the court.  Be aware that court ignores older incidents as 'stale' and not 'actionable', except to demonstrate a pattern of behavior.  So if she does something that you consider is actionable, don't wait too long to seek a remedy.