Erich Fromm saves the day - Heureka

[blackbirdsong]

After my relationship (2 months ago) I was quickly aware that for my failed relationship I cannot blame only BPD. That there should be issues in both partners to achieve this strong feeling of love that ends in such fatal and hurtful way. I ended my relationship with very strong feelings for my ex dBPDgf but I knew that I cannot continue, that this 'love' will drain me.

I started therapy and continue to work on my inner self. I read a lot about psychology, BPD boards here - even the ones that tackle my issues directly.

I am starting to be more aware of my inner emotional issues and trying to address them and work on them.

But just yesterday I bumped into 'The Art Of Loving' by Erich Fromm and didn't stop until I have read it. Now I consider it as a Christmas gift to myself. The best one I have ever recieved.   I definitely recommend this book to everyone here. It will not take too much of your time, but it is really an eye-opener.

I truly recognized some wrong ideas in my concept of love, the wrong starting points in my relationship and it really, for the first time, answered my ultimate question: ":)id she ever loved me?"

And the conclusion was NO. But I also realized that I didn't love her, not in a healthy way.

Pretty scary stuff, you will say, ha?  

Brace yourself - I also discovered that large number of the relationships around me are not true love - they are just symbiotic connections, without personal integrity.

It really makes sense. But the hard truth is also sociological aspect, our society (capitalism in our case) forces this type of relationships.

So, back to the book idea, it is hard to process this right now, but it really makes sense and finally I got some type of closure, not from my ex GF, that I always espected and wanted, but from the fact that I finally understand what happened and what I need to do (still don't know HOW to do it, but at least know WHAT to do).

[Darsha500]

I've been meaning to read a book from Erich Fromm for a while now. That book sounds awesome. I too have gotten allot out of reading and learning about different conceptions of love. I have also come to similar conclusions - that the love experiences with my ex was in many ways faulty, that it wasn't "the real thing." Looking at love in this way has certainly been helpful, as it has helped me to see what kind of love it is I want future relationships to be based upon.

However, there is something I find even more helpful, and that is recognizing that love is a abstract concept. That is to say, it has no factual reality outside of our minds. Hence all of the different attempts to define it. When I look at love from this vantage point I can integrate all of the various conceptions of love I come across into my own understanding.

As you have said, labeling our love with our exs as completely unfounded is hard to swallow. Yet to a certain extent, we must accept this as a given. On another level though, I try not to discount what me and my ex shared by placing labels upon it. As if labels served a purpose but do not have the final say on the matter. By looking at it this way I am able to preserve a sense of specialness, a sense of preciousness, a sense of pricelessnesw about my relationship that I value very much.

To be sure, many people may not share my sentiments. I understand this completely, as I myself bounce back and forth between love and hate. But the recognition of these states as passing irreducible feelings makes them much more bearable.

[blackbirdsong]

I've been meaning to read a book from Erich Fromm for a while now. That book sounds awesome. I too have gotten allot out of reading and learning about different conceptions of love. I have also come to similar conclusions - that the love experiences with my ex was in many ways faulty, that it wasn't "the real thing." Looking at love in this way has certainly been helpful, as it has helped me to see what kind of love it is I want future relationships to be based upon.

However, there is something I find even more helpful, and that is recognizing that love is a abstract concept. That is to say, it has no factual reality outside of our minds. Hence all of the different attempts to define it. When I look at love from this vantage point I can integrate all of the various conceptions of love I come across into my own understanding.

As you have said, labeling our love with our exs as completely unfounded is hard to swallow. Yet to a certain extent, we must accept this as a given. On another level though, I try not to discount what me and my ex shared by placing labels upon it. As if labels served a purpose but do not have the final say on the matter. By looking at it this way I am able to preserve a sense of specialness, a sense of preciousness, a sense of pricelessnesw about my relationship that I value very much.

To be sure, many people may not share my sentiments. I understand this completely, as I myself bounce back and forth between love and hate. But the recognition of these states as passing irreducible feelings makes them much more bearable.

Then I definitely recommend this book for you to read.

Regarding my relationship and labeling. I just said that I don't consider it as love. But it will always have a special place in my heart. She will have a special place in my heart. She probably won't ever realize this but she really, in some paradoxal way, learned me what love actually is. And if something good from these relationships can come out - I believe this is that good thing.