It's ME or Both of US?

[FoxTail]

I want to come clean and share my story. I was married in 1999 to a women I met while at university. We met at my part-time retail job. She pursued me. She called the store on several occasions and hinted at watching me for some time and that she liked me from the physical appearance and wanted to meet. Long story short, we were married a few months after my graduation. She was a cosmetology student with a 1-year old daughter when we met. I graduated with an engineering degree and thought I could and should save them both. I knew I would be a great provider.  As she poured on the love, I felt like she was the ONE. I fell in love - hook, line and sinker. She was 3-months pregnant when we married. After the marriage everything fell apart. She broke stuff in the house  out of frustration with me; put holes in the walls; and emasculated me with everything she had when ever something did not go her way or I said something wrong, etc. I thought I could make it better by moving to the east coast to get closer to her family. Nothing changed. She snapped at every turn. I could never tell what would set her off.

In my quest to be a BETTER provider than the engineering career would afford, I became a part-time realtor to make more money. It was during this time that I met the women I would carry out an illicit affair with for many months before being caught. Being completely honest, this woman knew me and my wife prior to the part-time realtor career. I sold her home and in the process found a new person to listen to me and show concern for my issues at home. I knew this relationship was wrong, but I proceeded anyway. I was caught and admitted my guilt. I went to counseling with my first wife, but I’d already tasted life without her. It was too late. Both of them pursued me to what seemed like no end. I liked it! I really liked the idea of being wanted, but I knew what I was doing was wrong. Eventually, I divorced my first wife and married my paramour. 

Fast forward, I’ve been married to my second wife since 2010. The pattern is the same, great in the beginning and now I’m dealing with all sorts of what I surmise as BPD.  May be all three of us are suffering from this. Anyway, my second wife has OCD. We’ve had huge arguments about the most mundane stuff: water spots in the kitchen sink, spots on the bathroom mirror, a small amount of bleach left in a jug, the way I look at her, the way I left her in a gas station store, that I don’t listen to her confusing stories, on and on. It’s always me. Always. She has no outside interests except work and staying in the room playing the same word games online - over and over.  She binge watches reality TV shows - all of them.  She doesn’t want to me watch any of them with her - because she doesn’t want me to ask questions. I’ve made this mistake early on and lived to regret it!

We’ve been in therapy together every few weeks and she’s such a sweetheart in the sessions and at home a completely different person.  And she would say the same about me, although I’m never upset or enraged.  I try to assure her that I’m ok with her leaving or wanting a divorce. I cannot make her happy. I’ve taken her on trips around the world, I’ve used my good credit to get her a vehicle she would never be approved for on her salary.  Now that she has it, she’s upset with me for her own payments for it - even though we fully discussed it numerous times before driving two hours to pick it up.  Household expenses? She wants to control all the money one day. I agree. She wants to split everything 50/50. I agree.  She want to set up a household account we contribute to so bills are paid out if it instead of our individual personal accounts. I agree. Now, as of January 1st, she want me to pay the mortgage completely and she’ll pay for all the other bills. I agree.  We’ll see how this goes. 

My house is like a museum, everything has it’s place.  She notices foot prints in the carpets and pulls out the vacuum to get the carpet just so.  She notices with I’ve touched something on a stand or twisted the blinds at an angle she doesn’t like. I’m now a selfish and self-centered a-hole at every turn.  Days go by without a word and then all of sudden she says good morning. She hates to have company.  She says she’s always been this way. I invited some buddies over for a meeting about one of our civic activities. Even though I gave her advance notice, she nearly had an attack.  I held my ground and they came over one Sunday morning. They were gone by 1:00 pm.  She got up and left the house so she wouldn’t be here. She still felt violated in some way.  I just don’t get it. We’ll I’m beginning to get it now. BPD

I’m a high-school drop who obtained a GED from Job Corps. I was the first person in my family to go to college and I obtained an bachelors and masters degree in engineering. I  survived 12+ months in Iraq - as a civilian worker. I was accepted to an ivy league executive development program on several occasions and now have alumni status. Despite ALL this I feel like a COMPLETE failure at home with her.  It’s so depressing.

I don’t want another divorce. How can I get her to see someone about her mental instabilities and prove SHE has this issue?

Thanks for reading and any help you may have.

[Notwendy]

Hello Fox Tail and welcome to this board. There is a lot to learn here. Although you may not find all the answers immediately, through studying, learning and growing, you will come to understand the dynamics in your relationships and how to work on them. As to whether to leave or not, that decision can be put off while you are learning. With the exceptions of emergencies (physically harmful abuse, financial destruction, serious criminal activity) many of us can take the time to learn our role in the relationships and how to improve that part of it, and see what becomes of that.

To answer your question, is it them or you, I think you intuitively know the answer to that. It is both. You know that both of your wives have issues. You also know that you made a similar choice twice. It is even mentioned in relationship books that, if we leave one relationship and quickly enter another one without understanding ourselves, that we risk entering a relationship that has similar issues? Why? because the one thing both relationships have in common is us. What behaviors do we do that contribute to that?

First, start with the lessons on the right side of this page. Read and learn what you can. Post about what issues you need help with. There is a lot of wisdom on this board from lay people who have struggled with similar issues.

In addition to this board, a support system is helpful. For your side of things, many members have been helped by personal therapy, or other forms of support groups. Self care is an important aspect of this. There is a tendency to focus on the other person's issues and lose sight of our own needs and meet them in an emotionally healthy way. You already discovered that an affair met them initially, but didn't solve them and added more problems. Although you are hurting, self care, therapy,  can help without such consequences.

[FoxTail]

Thanks for taking time to reply. I feel better after finding this site. I read so many articles and posts about so many people dealing with the same issues before registering. You’re so RIGHT, I know it’s BOTH of us. I’ll take your advice and read more. I’ve also scheduled a one-on-one appointment with our therapist. I emailed him the entire post in the hopes that he would be better equipped to help me and her.

We’re playing the painful silent treatment game right now. It’s been about two weeks straight of this.  Also, we committed to two holiday parties weeks ago. In the midst of the silent treatment game, I mustered the courage to ask if she would still go to the party and she said yes but that we would take separate cars.  Well, she never showed. I stayed and enjoyed myself.  She did send a text saying she wouldn’t make. The very next day the tables we’re turned. She mustered the courage to ask if I was still going to HER friends party. I said yes, she prepped, made a dish, sent me the address vie text, and took off.  I sent a text saying I decided to stay in. She came back home to make a call to her friend - just so I would HEAR her say he’s doesn’t feel like being out. She later sent me a text calling me names and stuff. I never responded. I hate it this tit-for-tat situation, but I can’t go on being controlled any more. I didn’t get her a Christmas gift because I’m so mad. She left a gift on my bedside table on Christmas day and took it back the next day - I’m sure it’s because I didn’t reciprocate.

During our last session the therapist opened my eyes to my own self hate!  He peeled the onion and showed me how my self hate and the hate I have for my own family is preventing me from maturing in this relationship and in general. I haven’t spoken to my mother in years. Same goes for nearly everyone in the family.  After years of silence, I picked up the phone and called my younger sister and learned so much about how the rest of the family is doing. It wasn’t good. The list was long: A niece and nephew in jail for various crimes, mom still hasn’t learned to drive and her second husband had a child out of wedlock - she’s staying with him, my youngest sister just gave birth and married a man after years of being a lesbian. It went on and on... . 

I’m a second child with three sisters. My oldest sister had a baby at 14 years old in a homeless shelter bathtub. We were homeless for a spell. No one knew she was pregnant. My parents gave the baby up for adoption. Later, she had another baby by an in- and out-of-jail convict. She later married an alcoholic and had a third child. Her husband and third child died in a house fire because he fell into a drunken sleep while cooking. After the death of her husband and third child she had fourth by another loser. This loser is now in jail for molestation. My oldest sister died at 35 from obesity - her heart just gave up after numerous hospitalizations. She was also an alcoholic. Poor decisions seem like a curse among us all. 

I’m learning to reinvent and be victorious - not a victim.   Sorry for rambling... .thanks for the help!