Please help

[gamgam240]

  everyone i am new here and not sure where to start.i have a 18 year old daughter that can not get along with anyone most of all me.I have tried everything and it is getting to the point that just ignoring it is easier than facing the attitude and yelling she is going to dish out. my husband and her sisters keep telling me to kick her out. but i cant just put her out like that because i fear that she cant manage on her own because she can not keep a friend.to make all this worse i have to worry about my 10 month old Granddaughter being taken care of. it doesn't even end there my Daughter is 20 weeks pregnant with another daughter.she already gets so inpatient with the baby that she brings her to me and says i cant handle her take her.she yells at her,and sees nothing wrong with it the baby doesn't know what mood her mom is going to be in from minute to minute i don't want her feeling like she is on egg shells all the time like i do. that is not what a baby should be feeling.and if that is not enough she controls me with the fear i have of her leaving with the baby. i know she loves her with all her heart but i don't know how she is going to handle a newborn and a one year old when she cant even control her on behavior.i try to talk to her about doing the things she does like getting mad at the baby if she wants me over her.and all she will say is she is my baby and i will do what i want.i need help i don't know where to turn anymore are even how to handle it my whole family says i am crazy for putting up with it and they stay mad because i don't stand up to her because i don't want my grand babies to live in fear at least if she is here i can give them a since of stability in their little life's.if i am doing wrong feel free to tell me because i am far from perfect and can probably in need of a little change in myself also.  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Reg23]

First of all - Welcome! Glad you are here... .any chance your daughter would consider putting the new baby up for adoption?  My neighbor across the street is practically raising her granddaughter - and though there is a lot of positive from that ( for the grandma and the granddaughter), there is a lot of resentment toward the mother by the granddaughter - she knows her mother is not raising her properly in light of how her grandma treats her.  Just a lot of difficult times for sure - but some really great times, too.  And, this adult daughter is married ( suffers from alcoholism and other issues - just not fit to raise children). She is also pregnant with her second... .grandparents are devastated.

Definitely read When Hope is not Enough!

Stay with us and we will surely support you with hugs and love!

[SoSoSoTired]

Begin reading books about codependency.

If your daughter is yelling at your 10-month-old grandchild, she is abusing your grandchild. If your daughter isn't in therapy to learn how to control her emotional dysregulation, she isn't going to stop abusing your grandchild.  :)o the right thing.  :)o whatever is necessary to protect your grandchildren from abuse.

[js friend]

Hi  gamgam240,

I know that this isnt an easy time for you as my dd21 has 2 young children.  It can be very difficult to come out of The FOG (Fear, Obligation,Guilt)  when we have a mentally ill child plus gc who we are trying to protect.

I endured a few weeks of what you are going through on a daily basis earlier this year and it was truly awful .

MY dd has been out of my home since she was 17yo but came back for 6wks this year with the gc while her own home was being renovated and it was just awful time. While she was here she was confrontational, abusive, lazy, and demanding when it came to the care of the children and and didnt think anything of raising her voice or being confrontational infront of them. My kind of help wasnt enough for my dd. I work fulltime  and did what I could even after a hard days work but it still just wasnt good enough in her eyes and I  and i was  belittled and accused of being a bad gm for what I did do.

Basically I think that my dd just wanted me to take over their totally care while she was here and wanted to go back to being young free and single without any responsiblities for the 6 weeks while she lived here. She also threatened to leave and take the gc back home during this time to which I didnt respond as I would have been happy to see her leave.

It sounds as if your dd is clearly over her head with the even looking after 1 child never mind 2 babies. Your dd senses your fear and is feeding it with her threats of leaving.  I read your previous post and see that your dd left for a very short time before with gc before coming back to your home. You shouldnt feel guilty or made to feel guilty over this.  Your dd saw she needed support, couldnt cope and came back. It wasnt a total fail as she recongised that she needed help. It is important that she has this support if she is to succeed. It is something that can be built on. It is also important that there is Support is to be put into place before 2nd gc is born.  Does your dd have any support services who are working with your dd that you can speak to? Does she have a social worker that you can speak to you about your concerns about your dd and gc. If she does they may not share details about her case but you will be able to voice your concerns who can assist in finding a childcare place for your gc so she is out of the line of fire of her mothers moods even if for a few hours a wk? I dont know if you attend your dd's hospitial apts but  if you do is there someone there you can speak to.I spoke to my own gp about my concerns about my dd just so it was recorded somewhere.

I would suggest  in the meantime gamgam that you read the tools on the right when it comes to communicating with your dd. Having good boundaries in place is a good place to start as is also responding with S.E.T and validation. Also walking away from potential arguments before they erupt is important. I would also think that if your dd is threatening to leave with the children that you shouldnt let this fear keep you emotionally stuck when you are dealing with your dd. No way should you take her abuse. A stable home is peaceful and isnt one where someone behaves like a tyrant and everyone else walks on eggshells. Having good boundaries should be a signal to your dd that if she wants to continue  living in your home you need to make it clear that there are certain things you will not tolerate.

Maybe the time has come for your dd to live outside your home. With the right support it is achievable. I never in a million years thought that my dd would survive in the outside world especially with 2gc but with the right support in place it is happening and she has done so quite successfully for the last 5yrs now. Also my dd having the extra support form outside  helps me to feel more at ease knowing that there are more than just my set of eyes on her and gc.

[stepmomma]

We were in a similar situation. My step-daughter dropped her 9 month old baby off at our house saying she couldn't take care of her. We took care of the baby for a year with my sd20 constantly threatening to take her away which was our biggest fear and of course she could sense it. It got very bad and she left with our gd, it was so hard for us to be separated from our gd, but we let go of our fear and let things play out and as we did our relationship with my sd20 actually improved a great deal.  She is predictable in coming to us when she needs help with her child, our gd still spends a good amount of time at our house but the conflict with sd20 is much less and she can't threaten to take gd away anymore. Right now we watch the situation and we are ready to call CPS if we see any issues.

She is now pregnant again due in May -- I don't know what she is going to do. She is insulted anytime someone suggests she gives the baby up for adoption so I don't think that is going to happen. My husband and I read somewhere that we shouldn't "worry about her problems more than she does" we repeat it to each other often. We try to give her problems back to her. While I feel so much compassion for my gd and the little one coming, I will not act out of fear again, it made it so much harder to see the situation clearly.

It was horrible when she left with my gd, I cried and worried a lot... .but our situation is so much better now and I wouldn't go back to the way things were before even though it was so hard.

[gamgam240]

  sorry it took me so long to come back to the site.it is hard for me to get a min alone my daughter likes to keep up with what i am doing.its like she thinks i am always out to get her no matter who i talk to she thinks we are talking about her i don't know what to do anymore i am really at a loss.she tells everyone i am trying to take her baby. what i cant seem to make her understand is i have 14 Grand babies and 2 more on the way.her having the youngest i have never tried to take any of the other babies why would i start with hers.on top of that i had my first grandaughter for the first three years of her life but when her mother was able to give her a home she came and got her because that's where she belonged i never tried to say no when she came back i couldn't do that to one of my children.i love my daughter so much it hurts to know she fears all this from me when all i want to do is help her in anyway i can.yesterday was one of the hardest days i have had yet her and one of her sisters got into a argument she went to my mothers house and that in turn caused her and my mother to start arguing with her sister on facebook of all places.and if that wasn't enough one of her other sisters came over that night and she says she heard me and her sister talking about her which is not true and they got into it. and i mean a fight and she is pregnant.i cant take much more of this how do i make her understand everything is not about her. i have 5 other children and we talk about there life too but she always thinks its about her.my family is falling apart over here and i cant seem to stop it. i promise i will insure my granddaughter is safe at all means.Someone please help me with how to handle it. i have vertigo and tremors and all this is causing the effects to be alot worse.