18 year old BPD daughter in court ordered RTC- first visit

[Parents! Get help here!]

It was a very rainy and windy Sunday morning here and a great day to sleep in. However I had to go visit my daughter for the first time in residential treatment. I balked and made excuses but got in the shower, got ready and went. I told her I would be there today.

Why I continue to feel like I can't let her down when all she does is let me down is something I need to think about.

I have not seen her in over a month and the first thing she says is do you like my hair? At first I thought she pulled it back on one side but no, she shaved the side of her head. This made me mad.  And my next thought was you have access to something sharp in this place? We have no sharp things at home because she's used them to hurt herself or threaten the family. I cut all things here with a butter knife. I was dumbfounded.

I tried to regroup but ended up crying. She had a list of 20 things she needed, she's used everyone else's laundry detergent, makeup etc... .and needs to replace it. Two girls here hate her, she's being targeted and almost got in a fight with one of them. Oh, and she wanted to know what she got for Christmas from the family.

I was beside myself. There was not a shred of humility, no sense of being grateful for the help, no thank you to me for all that I have brought her already. It was just the same BPD behaviors.

She gets out in 36 days. I told her that her psychiatrist recommended a group home or sober living facility and did not think it was wise that she returns home right away. This made her angry and she went to the dark side. I saw the shift in her eyes. If we were home this would have triggered a rage out.

Nothing has changed.

This is a child who has been hospitalized inpatient psych 7 times, was in a partial hospitalization program twice and has done IOP 5 times. When she's here I have to call the police often as she gets out of control, she follows her impulses, thinks people are out to get her, has no regard for consequences, has no empathy for anyone. She was arrested for drug abuse and domestic violence and was very lucky to get two years probation yet she violated probation, spent more time in jail and was court ordered into this RTC.

She's been diagnosed with bipolar disorder with psychotic features, BPD, adjustment disorder, anxiety disorder, and antisocial personality disorder. She's a sociopath. Family tells me don't lose hope. Well she's a sociopath so I don't know what I am hoping for. Clearly she has adapted to her current situation and is using people to get want she wants, still thinks people are out to get her and only cares about herself.

And she's well medicated. The amount of psych med changes we've had to do at home is unbelievable. Meds don't fix this and apparently the RTC can't either.

What kills me is she has so much potential. She's beautiful, highly intelligent, an excellent artist and talented writer yet mental illness has brought all of us to our knees. I pray daily for guidance yet the reality is I don't think she can get well.

I will say the one thing she has avoided is pregnancy. I read a lot about grandparents and other family having to take care of babies born to people with mental illness. That is heartbreaking. I am grateful to not have to be in that situation. My daughter could never take care of a child. She is emotionally a child and may always be. Kudos to the people who step up to take care of the children.

I have a 14 year old son to finish raising. He's been through far too much already. I really don't know what will happen when she's released. It's not likely that I will be able to find a group home for her. Resources are scarce and she will be a model resident while in treatment as she's a master at working the system. She can manipulate everyone. It's frightening.

I am glad I found this forum. Wishing you all a peaceful 2016.

[Slwinner]

It was a very rainy and windy Sunday morning here and a great day to sleep in. However I had to go visit my daughter for the first time in residential treatment. I balked and made excuses but got in the shower, got ready and went. I told her I would be there today.

Why I continue to feel like I can't let her down when all she does is let me down is something I need to think about.

I have not seen her in over a month and the first thing she says is do you like my hair? At first I thought she pulled it back on one side but no, she shaved the side of her head. This made me mad.  And my next thought was you have access to something sharp in this place? We have no sharp things at home because she's used them to hurt herself or threaten the family. I cut all things here with a butter knife. I was dumbfounded.

I tried to regroup but ended up crying. She had a list of 20 things she needed, she's used everyone else's laundry detergent, makeup etc... .and needs to replace it. Two girls here hate her, she's being targeted and almost got in a fight with one of them. Oh, and she wanted to know what she got for Christmas from the family.

I was beside myself. There was not a shred of humility, no sense of being grateful for the help, no thank you to me for all that I have brought her already. It was just the same BPD behaviors.

She gets out in 36 days. I told her that her psychiatrist recommended a group home or sober living facility and did not think it was wise that she returns home right away. This made her angry and she went to the dark side. I saw the shift in her eyes. If we were home this would have triggered a rage out.

Nothing has changed.

This is a child who has been hospitalized inpatient psych 7 times, was in a partial hospitalization program twice and has done IOP 5 times. When she's here I have to call the police often as she gets out of control, she follows her impulses, thinks people are out to get her, has no regard for consequences, has no empathy for anyone. She was arrested for drug abuse and domestic violence and was very lucky to get two years probation yet she violated probation, spent more time in jail and was court ordered into this RTC.

She's been diagnosed with bipolar disorder with psychotic features, BPD, adjustment disorder, anxiety disorder, and antisocial personality disorder. She's a sociopath. Family tells me don't lose hope. Well she's a sociopath so I don't know what I am hoping for. Clearly she has adapted to her current situation and is using people to get want she wants, still thinks people are out to get her and only cares about herself.

And she's well medicated. The amount of psych med changes we've had to do at home is unbelievable. Meds don't fix this and apparently the RTC can't either.

What kills me is she has so much potential. She's beautiful, highly intelligent, an excellent artist and talented writer yet mental illness has brought all of us to our knees. I pray daily for guidance yet the reality is I don't think she can get well.

I will say the one thing she has avoided is pregnancy. I read a lot about grandparents and other family having to take care of babies born to people with mental illness. That is heartbreaking. I am grateful to not have to be in that situation. My daughter could never take care of a child. She is emotionally a child and may always be. Kudos to the people who step up to take care of the children.

I have a 14 year old son to finish raising. He's been through far too much already. I really don't know what will happen when she's released. It's not likely that I will be able to find a group home for her. Resources are scarce and she will be a model resident while in treatment as she's a master at working the system. She can manipulate everyone. It's frightening.

I am glad I found this forum. Wishing you all a peaceful 2016.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[SoSoSoTired]

I feel your pain and fear.   My almost 19-year-old daughter travels the same painful path as your daughter.

Have you read this yet?  It was helpful to me.  

www.amazon.com/When-Hope-Enough-Second-how--ebook/dp/B013ISG996/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1451264138&sr=1-1&keywords=when+hope+is+not+enough  

I also read two books on codependency to help me "let go" and escape the continuous pain.  After she told her friends untrue, crazy lies and tried to have me arrested (to get attention), dh and I moved her out of our home.  I'm currently no contact with her.  Christmas was a very pleasant holiday without her drama and amoral behavior which she's inflicted upon my family and me since the day we adopted her.

[Reg23]

I wish I was near to just give you a hug that would last forever... .and am so very sorry for your pain.  Keep on searching for a place and doctors who will support the needs of your daughter, who does not want to be in her own skin, surely.  Good to hear you can find some gratefulness in all of this - no grandchild.  Still, I hear and feel your pain -deeply.  There has to be a solution - stay on this site, and we will stay on with you!

[jbmom]

So sorry the visit didn't go well.  I think it is so important you set your boundaries and make it clear to those helping her, when they are about to cross them.

Wish I had more advice or anecdotes to offer you but I don't have that much experience.  I just hope you find time to take care of your and your son's needs.