Intro

[tjensen]

Hello all! I'm new to this forum & hoping it will help me understand my 13 yr. old DD's behaviors. My main goal is to change my reactions to the abusive behavior, and learn to set (& keep) boundaries. I am easily manipulated, and she knows it. She tends to corner me, then proceed to lay on guilt about how she is unhappy, has endless health complaints, hyper sexual behavior (loves to 'shock' me with this), needs to come home from school due to anxiety, needs more privileges, etc.  If I don't give her what she wants, I am attacked with verbal/physical assault, or threats of suicide/self harm. She does this with friends also, then plays the victim when these people distance themselves out of exhaustion.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jbmom]

I can sadly remember back to when DD was 13, and we just started down this path.  She constantly badgered us, constant disrespect, nastiness. Triangulated us, would manipulate her brother -- who was 7 at the time -- against us. 

We took a course called Family Connections -- I think it was offered by NEA-BPD. It basically saved our relationship.  Got DH and I more aligned with what was going on. We learned to set boundaries, though I have to say mine are not as respected as I would like. I still set them.

Back then my daughter did everything for shock value. It was only until we stopped getting upset when she cut did the cutting stop. One day the light bulb finally went on and I just said --  are sorry you felt you needed to do that, what do you want, a band-aid? I had teachers calling, dance teachers cornering me, other parents telling me what I already knew. I am sure I looked like an awful mother. She cut, anything I did - which included clearning her room, locking up sharp objects, etc- didn't stop it.

Her sexual exploits where just ridiculous. I am sure many of us could exchange crazy stories too. Its more typical than you would think.

One thing we did learn through family connections was about boundaries and not getting on the roller-coaster with her.  We use that analogy with her therapist now... .therapists relay her reasons for behaviors and we just say -- yes, we understand fear of rejection, we understand low self esteem, we understand unstable personality. However we are not getting on this roller coaster. She has to come to the table and take control of it herself. We can't fix it for her.

She did have a few better years at 14.5, 15 to 16. 17 sucks again. I have to remind myself this is just a relapse and we will hopefully get through this too.