Why does it take longer to Push/Pull with certain individuels and not others?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hey guys I was thinking about this for a while. I was curious as to why certain ppl who suffer from BPD take longer to Push/Pull with certain ppl and shorter with others? For example my ex took no time pushing / pulling with me . Right after she told me she still loved me and wanted a relationship again. Right away she wanted to also get married. I thought that crazy but we were each others 1st loves so I really didnt think much of it. Anyway she was married for 4 years and with her ex for a total of 5 years. A few other boyfriends 2 or 3 years. Me not even close . I never even dated her for 6 months bc she would just end the relationship. Anyone else know why they push/ pull so fast with some and not with others? Btw I had no idea she was BPD at the time.

[Confused108]

Hey guys I was thinking about this for a while. I was curious as to why certain ppl who suffer from BPD take longer to Push/Pull with certain ppl and shorter with others? For example my ex took no time pushing / pulling with me . Right after she told me she still loved me and wanted a relationship again. Right away she wanted to also get married. I thought that crazy but we were each others 1st loves so I really didnt think much of it. Anyway she was married for 4 years and with her ex for a total of 5 years. A few other boyfriends 2 or 3 years. Me not even close . I never even dated her for 6 months bc she would just end the relationship. Anyone else know why they push/ pull so fast with some and not with others? Btw I had no idea she was BPD at the time.

[enlighten me]

With some from what Ive read it depends on how intimate they get emotionally. The closer you get to who they really are the worse the behaviour gets. That's why the mask only comes off for those closest to them. With some they can keep the mask on better as they are not as emotionally invested.

Then again it could be to do with the fact that they don't care as much so don't mind hurting the person.

It all depends on the individual as no two pwBPD are the same.

[Confused108]

Thank Enlighten . I also read an article that said ppl who suffer from BPD only push away the ppl they care for/ love the most. I just can't seem to wrap my brain around that one. But then again this is once crazy illness to begin with.

[enlighten me]

If you think about fear of abandonment then it may make more sense to you. You don't worry about someone who means nothing to you leaving you. The more someone means to them the more they fear being abandoned and the worst their behaviour gets.

[Confused108]

If you think about fear of abandonment then it may make more sense to you. You don't worry about someone who means nothing to you leaving you. The more someone means to them the more they fear being abandoned and the worst their behaviour gets.

Yes you are right. My ex after my mom broke us up thought that I was too good for her. She also told me in August that she was missing my love but was afraid of it. She claims I poured it down or shut it off. It was black or white. She then said she was afrai of making an"full" commitment bc she was reminded of when she did that in the past. And like I mentioned before I had no idea about BPD at this time. That what she said to me was a big red flag that now makes sense.

[thisworld]

Maybe you were less co-dependent and more stable in this relationships than her previous partners. Disordered people may last longer with people who click with their disorders (borderlines and NPDs attract each other like magnets for instance), that chaos and anguish feels like love to them because they associate love with pain sometimes. Also, because they are dependent on each other for their self-worth, they can't let go of the other person no matter how unhappy they are in the relationship. I can't believe that someone as disordered as my ex managed to have a marriage for 4 years, and had 3-year relationships. Sometimes, when they feel that you are a healthy, empowered individual, they first imitate everything you do, but then it becomes too heavy and the mask slips of very quickly I think. Logic, rationality, they are attracted to this sometimes but then test it, test it, test it and when it's not broken, they just go to the other extreme. That's when I saw the slip of the mask. I believe their anxiety goes high because of all that pretension and they start seeking attention elsewhere to release a bit  of tension, which paves the way for possible replacements, which paves the way for break-ups.

I don't think it's only the fear of abandonment. I think proper, healthy love as we understand it triggers both fears of engulfment and abandonment. I'm also thinking that perhaps I didn't create chaos, paid attention to my boundaries (like never insulting him even if he was rude, trying to treat him respectfully even when it felt like he was provoking me) and he couldn't manipulate me much, he thought I was a very cold and unloving woman at times. Also, probably dull. I wasn't passionate enough, which means giving him a dose of hell and then cheating on him actually. To him, that's a traumatic relationship but he is addicted to that.

Different genders may react differently though.