Whenever me and my exBPDgf would fight, I would be accused of the very thing I was trying to accomplish. For example, our very last fight was about fairness. She thought it was okay for her to do whatever she wanted. Go out, drink, "look cute", and even told me about talking to guys for attention. But the moment I was to get invited out, I was shunned to the point where I wouldn't go. I lost contact with most of my friends, all to save a fight from happening. It just wasn't worth it to me. I was also told that if I went to certain restaurants, I would be broken up with. She even coped an attitude when I would watch tv shows that included girls. This all boiled down to how bad her self esteem was. She thought at any moment I would up and leave her for another girl when the fact was that I would try my absolute hardest to keep the relationship together. As a matter of fact I was the glue holding us together. I didn't want anyone else. Back to our last fight... I was trying to explain to her that until we built a solid foundation of trust, she shouldn't be going out and doing things that she wouldn't like me doing. During the argument, she kept skirting around the topic. She was making it much more complicated then it had to be. I wasn't getting anywhere with her. Instead of being a mature adult she kept escalating it until I "broke." I called her a child and there's no getting through to her and I hung up the phone. Immediately after, I received a text message that stated how I was emotionally messing with her head. How I was making things more complicated than they were. She said I knew what I wanted all along and I shouldn't have played with her emotions for so long. I was also told that my ex girlfriend (who has nothing to do with us, and who does not have any type of personally disorder) was to blame for the failure of this relationship. She also stated that she wanted this relationship to work but I didn't. And finally, she added that she would never cheat on me (when cheating had absolutely NOTHING to do with the conversation at all).
She took credit for everything I was trying to do, and then blamed me for everything SHE was doing. Now this is projection at its a absolute finest. For 3 years this same type of projection when on and on and I actually started to second guess myself and think I was going crazy. After reading up on BPD I realize that this is indeed a defense mechanism.
I often wonder if this girl ever even wanted it to work between us at all. She constantly blamed me for her behavior and sabotage.
Do people with BPD realize they are doing this? Do they realize how absurd this is? And finally, why would she include that she would never cheat on me when that was never part of the subject? (This wasn't the first time cheating was brought up). Is she guilty of it? What is she really saying?
I'll never really get the true honest answers that I want. The closure will never come. So I'm trying to reach out for the answers I desperately want.
Even if your pwBPD is able to provide "closure", it will still leave you in bewilderment. I say that because my r/s with J (my pwBPD - diagnosed, on meds, and 3 months in DBT) is coming to an end and she has been more candid with me in these past few days than she has been in the past 3 months. So, in essence, I am getting closure. But, it's still not really what I want to hear, it's only serving to confuse me and make me have self doubt.
I have a running thread on here ("conflicted. need help grounding.". It sums up what I've been going through with her over the past few days as we close down the 1 year r/s. Starting the 1st, we are going NC for at least a couple of months. What I told her was something Skip had put up to me awhile back. I told her that starting Jan 1st we weren't going to speak to each other on a personal level for 2 months and after that we would speak to whatever level was comfortable to the both of us. I had picked the 1st because it was a new year and because it gave her several days to prepare herself and also to say anything she felt like she needed to say to me in the meantime. Even this week has been a whirlwind of emotion for me.
In this week, I have found out some things I had suspected and she verified as true, she has shown me love/compassion like she hasn't in the past 3 months, she truly sees it as me leaving her (and admits her behavior is the reason and she doesn't "blame or hate" me for my choice), she's cried, and it's tearing me apart to be walking away. I don't want to do it, but I know I have to. She crossed a hardline boundary for me and if I don't do this, I'm only hurting myself in the long run. I have also seen in this week how she wasn't viewing the r/s like she had led me to believe, how she had been wearing a mask most of the time, and that she does lack (or at least struggles with) empathy.
While I told her that we wouldn't be speaking on a personal level for 2 months, she took that to mean forever. She literally has been acting like I am about to depart for Mars (and I feel that way, too). I see the J I know, but I also see the 'other' J too. For instance, we were having a text conversation about this past year (reminiscing about the good times we shared as we had talked about the bad already) and in a moment of weakness for me, I asked her what she had hoped for the future to hold for us. Not what did she think was going to happen, but what she had hoped would happen. Yes, it was a stupid thing to ask, but I didn't hold the question back.
Anyway, two hours later she replied with "idk. I don't. I wish I did. Sorry I've been coloring!" To add some perspective to that, she had been talking at work today about how she wanted an adult coloring book for Christmas (and no one had gotten her one) so she bought one. She said she was going to buy pens/markers/pencils after work and get to coloring. I guess she decided to do that. But my point of telling you that was to illustrate how, in the middle of what I saw as an in-depth conversation, she wandered off into coloring. That literally was more important than talking to me when she knows in less that 48 hours we aren't going to be speaking again for awhile (if ever, to be honest). Did the conversation get to deep? Maybe. But it further shores up my decision to walk away. Anyone who sees coloring in a book more important to do in the
middle of a conversation with someone they claim to "love more deeply than they will ever know" is someone I cannot ever have a truly fulfilling r/s with.
Closure doesn't always help or hold the key. Reaching your own is the better bet.
