One type of personal growth impossible with my BPD ex

[thisworld]

This is what I'm thinking about recently. Many of us talk about growth during or after these relationships. This is very true and we know the reasons. But I think this type of growth should have a limit. I have discovered a lot about myself, I have learnt how to deal with different difficult circumstances (more in previous difficult relationships than this brief one) and I have more than average communication skills. However, I feel that growth with a disordered person will always be somehow one-directional.

For instance, I as a rescuer, codependent, whatever, need to learn to ACCEPT help and support from a partner. That's one serious area for my growth. I feel that this kind of growth would never happen with my BPD ex. I would be a giver excelling in other paths but not this. For this, I need a different relationship dynamic.

Do you think there are other areas for growth that a BPD may not provide? What are they?

[Newton]

Hi thisworld... .I'm not getting what you mean entirely... .do you mean our potential for growth... or theirs?... .can you elaborate?... .

[fromheeltoheal]

I think I see what you're getting at TW, and my answer is it depends.  Everyone is different and every relationship dynamic is different, but what we all have in common here is we get here in pain, emotional pain from the fallout of a relationship with a person with a mental illness or traits thereof.  The good news is that pain serves as motivation, to do with what we will, but motivation nonetheless; getting out of pain is a much more potent motivator than pursuing pleasure is.  And since a romantic relationship is deeply personal and touches us at the deepest levels, the pain shines a spotlight on areas that may need some work, relationships with borderlines are good for that, they have a way of exposing things we may be in denial of or may not have known existed.  So the motivation of pain and the spotlight on areas we need to work on is the gift of the relationship, different for everyone, and how profound the resulting growth is is proportional to how intense the relationship was.  What if everything happens for a reason and it serves us?  How great is it that the teacher appears when the student is ready, and teachers come in unique packaging sometimes?

[thisworld]

Hi thisworld... .I'm not getting what you mean entirely... .do you mean our potential for growth... or theirs?... .can you elaborate?... .

My own growth Newton, and also potential experiences that will probably challenge me in new ways, for instance learning to accept help from others.

[Newton]

In my experience... others will only help if we are comfortable asking for it... .

[thisworld]

I see what you mean Fromheeltoheal, that has been my experience, too. And wounds revealed through pain are perhaps the most critical ones, simply because they hurt so much - though I think my first teacher - Mother- appeared a bit too early in my life, though I think technically she didn't have much choice, either

Still, isn't there growth in something more healthy? Aren't there teachers in life that teach us other things about ourselves through safer experiences, safer dynamics? I'm now thinking for instance. Feedback is very important for growth, too. Yes, I find certain things in myself but I don't receive healthy feedback about myself from a BPD partner. Now, there is truth in what he says about me. There is always something that I can hear, I've learnt from his words. I have a schizophrenic friend, he is so spot on sometimes about things I can improve in myself, only I learnt to hear him better.

But, this kind of feedback is mostly repetitive, it so depends on certain themes in the other person's mind.  What would I learn about myself in a long term relationship with a healthier individual? I barely know.

I suspect some of my executive functions have developed too much - staying level-headed- some are weak - long-term planning and cooperating on this basis because life is so volatile with a difficult person anyway.

What do you think you have learnt from healthier relationships? They are not just pleasant, are they? There is something those relationships teach us, too.

[fromheeltoheal]

Still, isn't there growth in something more healthy?

Yes.  Learning because we're motivated by pain is the hard way, although sometimes necessary in my case to get through my thick skull, but there are easier, healthier ways.  Plus, when order becomes disorder in a personality, emotional development stops or slows way down too, and in my opinion my ex had the emotional maturity of a teenager, and was in near-constant pain, so how much can I really learn from that anyway?

The most important lesson I got as my gift from the relationship was boundaries.  I had very weak ones going in, and had they been stronger we wouldn't have gotten beyond the second date, but the pain of weak boundaries was enough to say never, ever again, and I've found just focusing on setting and maintaining boundaries with people makes them stronger.  I've learned that everything I focus on gets better, and why I never focused on that before I don't know, goes back to that thick skull thing. 

What do you think you have learnt from healthier relationships? They are not just pleasant, are they? There is something those relationships teach us, too.

Yes, every relationship is a learning experience, some more than others, and the lesson now, as I date and meet a lot of new people, is to maintain those boundaries, the more emotionally engaged I am the more difficult that seems, and also be present and aware of what's really going on, with me, with her, and don't let things slide, address them, communicate.  Life is getting real and I feel like I've woken up to live it.