I don't know what to say to her to reopen the lines of communication

[MPathetiCoD]

Hi everybody, thank you for reading this. I've been reading many of the other threads and my story isn't all that different from the others who posted about their S.O. Now, I realize each experience is different and so I would like to share mine as a way to help others while seeking help as well. However, it is a long and complex and at times difficult story to tell and requires that I be in the right mindset and have enough time to write it out. So for the sake of keeping my opening thread from doing injustice to a proper discription of the experience, I will postpone that part for now and instead, ask a question that I hope can be applied in a general sense first. So, my question is, What is something I could text my BPDexgf to stimulate the conversation again? I've been aware of her condition almost since it first appeared after the honeymoon phase, but I mistakenly thought she had NPD. Thanks to this forum, I now see that BPD fits her more accurately. ANyway, she officially broke up with me the day before NYE via text. She just said "I don't think it is going to work out between us, I'm sorry". I didn't argue or try to beg her to stay (I had already done those things in past breakups with her... .it was on/again off/again sort of thing almost every other week). A week later I sent her a text saying that I had finally gotten my cellphone fixed and would be switching back to that number. Then I told her how I still care about her and only want her to be happy even if that means not trying to contact her ever again. I apologized for my mistakes in the relationship (me placing the burden of my happiness squarely on her) and told her that I would be there for her if she ever needed someone to talk to. She replied a week later saying "i got your text... i hope you're doing alright". To which I replied "Thank you. You too". I have not heard from her since (this happened 4 days ago. I really want to reach out and just see if she is really truly done with me and not wanting me in her life, or if there's some way I can just be there as a friend. She has confided in me before, I even stopped her from suicide 2 days before she broke up with me (or at least I stayed with her through the night so she wasn't alone. So, while I admit that I want to be back together with her and to overcome these issues together, I am willing to setting for just some communication from her. I do love her, although she's given me every reason not to, I think one of the other poster's enlightened me to the idea that she is just as cruel and hurtful to herself as she is to me. Which, in a sick kind of way, makes me feel even closer to her... .   Go figure... .Any suggestions on what to text her?

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[1minuteatatime]

Hi everybody, thank you for reading this. I've been reading many of the other threads and my story isn't all that different from the others who posted about their S.O. Now, I realize each experience is different and so I would like to share mine as a way to help others while seeking help as well. However, it is a long and complex and at times difficult story to tell and requires that I be in the right mindset and have enough time to write it out. So for the sake of keeping my opening thread from doing injustice to a proper discription of the experience, I will postpone that part for now and instead, ask a question that I hope can be applied in a general sense first. So, my question is, What is something I could text my BPDexgf to stimulate the conversation again? I've been aware of her condition almost since it first appeared after the honeymoon phase, but I mistakenly thought she had NPD. Thanks to this forum, I now see that BPD fits her more accurately. ANyway, she officially broke up with me the day before NYE via text. She just said "I don't think it is going to work out between us, I'm sorry". I didn't argue or try to beg her to stay (I had already done those things in past breakups with her... .it was on/again off/again sort of thing almost every other week). A week later I sent her a text saying that I had finally gotten my cellphone fixed and would be switching back to that number. Then I told her how I still care about her and only want her to be happy even if that means not trying to contact her ever again. I apologized for my mistakes in the relationship (me placing the burden of my happiness squarely on her) and told her that I would be there for her if she ever needed someone to talk to. She replied a week later saying "i got your text... i hope you're doing alright". To which I replied "Thank you. You too". I have not heard from her since (this happened 4 days ago. I really want to reach out and just see if she is really truly done with me and not wanting me in her life, or if there's some way I can just be there as a friend. She has confided in me before, I even stopped her from suicide 2 days before she broke up with me (or at least I stayed with her through the night so she wasn't alone. So, while I admit that I want to be back together with her and to overcome these issues together, I am willing to setting for just some communication from her. I do love her, although she's given me every reason not to, I think one of the other poster's enlightened me to the idea that she is just as cruel and hurtful to herself as she is to me. Which, in a sick kind of way, makes me feel even closer to her... .   Go figure... .Any suggestions on what to text her?

Yup.  Text her this:  (in quotes)  "                                " 

Yes.  exactly.  Nothing.  In the game of love, it is best not to chase the breaker upper... .  She must chase you.  It is completely backwards from the beginning.  The less you do, the better.  I don't care if they have BPD, NPD, STD, MTV, CMT, WWE, whatever.  The LESS you do, the better.  When they contact you, it's optional to reply.  Yes.  Optional.  Mine emailed me first.  I didn't read the email for 3 days.  I was in strict 30 day NC.  On day 31, I read it.  I replied.  Three minutes later, she replied.  we went back and forth for a few minutes.  I didn't respond to her last email.  I then sent her a text (my first initiated contact in 40 days) saying I was thinking about her, she could drop my stuff off (that I didn't need/told her I didn't need) in my car or on my porch. 

She made a point to show up and wait for me while I worked out to walk the tiny bag of stuff to my door 150 feet away.  I'm more than capable of carrying a 3 pound drill and dvd.

I made the mistake of not being casual.  I tried to get in her pants.  Immediately.  I figured that she was not long term material at that point.  Why not.  She then took off.  Texted me 20 minutes later(I didn't initiate, she knew I wouldn't)  then tried to call me.  Text and phone typically turn to big fights, so I refuse.  She asked to come back the next day.  I asked her "do you want to come over ?"  She re-affirmed.  I said "ok"  She comes back.  I tell her that I know she lied about getting her divorce finalized.  That we both have been lying about big stuff.

Bottom line.  The convo was WAY too heavy.  You gotta keep it light, casual.  It has to be their idea.  Period.

Don't text.  At all.  You don't have to respond.  She owes you nothing in this life.  You owe her nothing as well.  You are NOT together.  At least not now.  They are not your "little buddy" This isn't Gilligan's island. 

This is the game of love.  If you love her let her go-Passenger... .

[MPathetiCoD]

Thank you 1minute,

          I sent you a pvt message responding to your reply and only realized it was a pvt message at the very end. So I'd like to share what I sent you with the rest of the community because I think it will help to paint a better picture of the situation. Plus it's quite long and I don't have the energy to re-summarize it again  so here it is:

thank you for your reply. I completely understand what you're saying and the sentiment about 'not owing her anything.' I have had a very enlightening past few months just by being in this relationship. I think on many levels I've grown as a person, becoming more aware of my weaknesses, codependence issues, and the expectations I place on others, particularly romantic partners. I had never heard about or encountered NPD or BPD or any of those things in my relationships before. However, after enough mindf***ing from my ex (Ashley) I began researching into it and once I read about NPD (particularly the stuff written by Sam Vaknin) I was blown away by the similarities. However, I didn't quite know how those rare moments of vulnerability and, yes, even an emotional apology at one point, fit into the label. I like to think that I know when I'm being manipulated for someone else's benefit and have a keen intuition about things, and I always felt that in these moments she was genuine. If only briefly. There are many other variables that came into play as well as are what added to the cognitive dissonance that I was experiencing. At the one hand, I was rightfully angry with her for the stonewalling and indifference and cruel behavior; but on the other hand, I really did see the personal battles she fought on a daily basis and understood the walls she put up to protect herself. Of course, I'm not so naive to think that this wasn't all part of her plan--playing the victim, etc.--but its difficult to say she just wants attention and is manipulative when I see the old scars on her wrists. Which is why I took the suicide threat very seriously. I also will admit that during the "learning phase" as I call it-- where I wanted to know more about her past because I found a lot of what she said about it hard to believe and wanted to know if she was lying or not--I did do a bit of online researching and managed to find her old social media accounts (think way before Facebook) that still had her posts and pictures and things of that nature still up (yes, the internet never forgets) and I managed to piece a lot of it together just from that. She of course doesn't know that I know about this, which made me feel almost guilty that I was hiding the fact that I knew about things that she never divulged to me, but I did make me more willing to tolerate her outbursts and show her the unconditional love I think she never got. She has been used and abused by many people who were close to her in her life and because she has a child from the first boyfriend when she was 19 (who hasn't been in the kids life since day 1 and actually lives in another country now) I dont think she ever really had the chance to process and heal from these things because she needs to maintain composure for her son's own mental wellbeing. She is a great mom, and her son is a great kid. So I commend her for that. But at the same time, I think she owes it to herself to get help and I just want to facilitate that in any way I can. Yes, I do want her back in my life and as more than a friend, like I said. And of course I'm hoping that my compassion will show her that I do care and that she will respond favorably to that. But more than that though, I just want her to not have to struggle alone with this. I have family members who have struggled with inner torment for similar reasons and so I guess you could say I am inclined to want to help those I feel a connection to. Possibly at the risk of doing damage to my own psyche, but I feel confident that I am strong enough and aware enough to know when I've reached the tipping point and to acknowledge my own limitations.

[valet]

Hey MPathetiCoD, I understand how hard these situations can be and the desire that you might feel to reach out. You want to reconnect and try to save the relationship. It's only natural. I wanted to do the same thing after my relationship ended as well.

You're saying it's only be 4 days since your last contact, and I get the sense of urgency. You have to realize that anyone with unstable emotional traits will need a lot of time to process this kind of loss. Sometimes it never happens. If you want to reconnect, I'd give her a but more time. Try a couple more weeks. Let her sit with her emotions for a bit. She'll need that time, and so will you if you plan on approaching this in a balanced and realistic way.

After that, a simple 'Hey, how are you doing?' should do the trick. Neither of you are going to be able to escape your emotions here, but you can lead the situation by remaining upbeat, positive, and fun. Either way, I say give it more time.

How would you feel about doing that?

[an0ught]

 *Hi* M,

A lot is not about what to say but how to listen. How will you signal non judgememtal listening and how would you execute this? For the latter see the workshops on validation.