Convinced I'm showing favoritism--any tips?

[WinWin]

Hi there, our daughter is 27 with BPD. We also have a 19 y.o. son who is mentally sound. Our daughter believes that I (her mom) shows favoritism to our son. It's a huge issue for her. I don't agree with her (my time, resources, and love are dispersed if not equally, more in her direction than our son's), I think it's part of her disorder style. Any tips for me on dealing with this?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Eyeamme]

I went through 30 years of being told I favored my son by my uBPD daughter. In reality 99.9% of my time and attention was forced to be on her and whatever the current "fire" was. I have gone NC after more verbal abuse. I am trying to spend my time, love and attention on my son now. Now that I walked away I really apologized to him and realized how badly he was slighted.

Please do not make the same mistake. BPD is a lot to deal with but our other children need us just as much. The BPD person is so needy that any attention on someone else is "more than they get". Don't listen.

[livednlearned]

Hi WinWin,

For your daughter, feelings = facts. She probably notices in subtle ways how your body language is different with when you talk about or talk to your son, how your tone of voice is different, how your facial expression is more relaxed. People with BPD are very perceptive and sensitive, and she knows she's difficult and requires more from you.

Debating with her about whether she is right or wrong will just turn into a circular argument you can't win. My son liked to say that I loved the dog more than him, or he would say I probably wanted him dead. These are not statements looking for logic, they are feelings looking for validation.

Does she respond to validation skills?

When my T first suggested validation to me, I admit I found it very difficult. To hear my tween son talk about wanting to die, and then reply with, "You must feel really awful to say that, to hurt that badly. Did something happen today to make you feel bad?" It just seemed so counter-intuitive to ask him to explain how he arrived at this truly horrendous idea of taking his own life.

I have a uBPD brother who said similar things my whole life, and validation of my brother's feelings probably would've helped our whole family.

[WinWin]

The validation skills suggestion is GREAT and no, I haven't been doing that well lately. I think it would work very well for her, and me! THANK YOU!

[livednlearned]

The validating questions can be particularly effective:

• The Power of Asking Validating Questions

• COMMUNICATION: Validation - tools and techniques:



• COMMUNICATION: Validation - stop invalidating others



• BOOK: The Power of Validation (for Parents)



• BOOK: I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better

[twojaybirds]

My dd now 21 was an only child however she accused me of loving the neighbor (her best friend) more as well as her cousin who we saw about 2x a year.  In these cases it was so absurd by 'normal' standards as my life truly evolved around her, her interests, desires moods and everything.

Jealousy seems to be a strong BPD trait.  I certainly would work on the validation.  I have found that to help in so many ways with our relationship.

[WinWin]

twojaybirds, THANK YOU! This was validating for ME!