New here & Q about friendships

[alittlebitlost]

Hi everyone,

I’m a new member… this is my first post.

I only recently heard of BPD. Someone mentioned it in the comments section of a Jezebel article. Out of curiosity, I did some googling – and I was astonished. The witch/queen type sounds like my mother SO MUCH. Descriptions, both on this site and others, of growing up with a parent with BPD have been really moving and affirming for me. Suddenly, I feel less alone.

I’m posting to say hello and also because I’d love to know if anyone out there struggles with close friendships? I think I might be guarded to the extent that I can’t let anyone into my life beyond at a superficial level. I have many friendly acquaintances, and I think I may even appear to be a social butterfly – but the truth is, I have no close friends. And I want to have close friends, but a part of me is always scared. Any reactions/thoughts/suggestions would be appreciated.

[Kwamina]

Hi alittlebitlost

Welcome to bpdfamily and thanks for introducing yourself

Growing up with a BPD parent can be quite difficult. Having a Witch/Queen type as mother sounds very challenging. Do you feel like your mother in any way has ever acknowledged that there is something wrong with her behavior?

Now that you know about BPD, you at least do know what is likely going on with your mother. This knowledge combined with the tools and resources on this site can help you heal and move forward with your life.

Many children of BPD parents find themselves struggling in their adult lives. The problems you describe with close friendships is something I can very much relate to. It's difficult to trust people when you grew up in an environment in which it seemed impossible and even dangerous to trust others.

In the right-hand side margin of this message board, you'll find the Survivors' Guide for adults who suffered childhood abuse. The guide helps take us from survivor to thriver. You've mentioned your struggles with close friendships, when you look at the guide, are there perhaps also any other areas that you are currently struggling on and/or would like to work on?

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome to our family, Alittlebitlost!    So glad you have found us.

My mom was an uBPD. She showed many different faces, including that of the witch. It is so painful to grow up in that atmosphere. I'm sorry that you had to grow up like that. While we can all relate here, it's a miserable environment no matter what. I have found this site to be immensly helpful and supportive. I hope you will as well.

In regards to your questioning about friendship, I've been in the same boat as you for a long time.

I’d love to know if anyone out there struggles with close friendships? I think I might be guarded to the extent that I can’t let anyone into my life beyond at a superficial level.  I want to have close friends, but a part of me is always scared.

Since I've been in T, I have begun to learn to trust enough that I now have a few close friends. At first it was very difficult for me. I had many aquaintances but no one I was ever close to. In fact my T is the first person I worked at learning to trust and that has opened up other doors slowly but surely.

It sounds like you have been looking for answers to the inner questions that are driving you, thus your finding this site. The answers come. Please keep us informed of the new things you are learning as your understanding increases. 

Wools

[Notwendy]

I have had close friends in my life, but I generally don't get too close to people. I recall times, especially in college, where I felt disconnected with people. Although I am heterosexual and  would have crushes on guys I was also be terrified to get too close to them. Some of my friends dated a lot, and even hooked up, but I kept a distance. If I had a boyfriend, it was someone who I knew very well.

My mother is not physically affectionate with me and I don't think she ever was. Now, sometimes she will hug me hello and goodbye but I feel as if I want to cringe when she touches me. My close friends, both male and female can be affectionate with me- they can hug me, but if people who I don't know well touch me, it sometimes is uncomfortable.

An example would be in yoga class where the teacher comes over to adjust the students. If I know the teacher, no problem, but if I don't, it is very unnerving.

On the other hand, I am very affectionate with my own kids. Lots of hugging and cuddles when they were little and I still hug them as teens.

I know that I don't trust my mother, and sometimes I wonder if she only touched me to punish me, like a spanking. Which could explain why I tense up if someone I don't know very well touches me, even if it is appropriate like in yoga class.

[GreenGlit]

My mother and sister are undiagnosed BPD and I have definitely struggled with close relationships in my life. To start my mom would always tell me friendships were inherently meaningless, and just conveniences for the time being. She fundamentally shaped my perception of the value of friendship and made me feel that family was the only relationship that mattered. Obviously this made things super confusing when I went to college and saw people developing close friendships and I just didn't have the social skills to do the same. I was also confused because I wanted good friends, and my family didn't make me happy, but this contradicted what my "wise and experienced" mother had to say.

My point is that I had a lot of difficulty developing friendships for a lot of reasons. My mother isolated me by not allowing me to drive to meet friends in high school. She told me friendships were meaningless and family was all I needed. I also was afraid of friendships and getting hurt like I did with my mother. I was afraid that friends would demand of me what my mother did, and that if I got close to someone else I would suffer more rages and more demands. Basically my relationship with my mother was a model for other relationships in my life and that scared me. I definitely ruined a few dating relationships because of this fearful mentality.

Have you been in therapy? If not I highly suggest it. Therapy helped me see the unhealthy patterns in my family's dynamics and helped me make better choices for my own life. It is still hard for me to have a lot of friends, but I've learned to trust and to love others.

Wishing you lots of luck. Welcome to the forum