Is it even possible to have a good Holiday with them?

[Cloudy Days]

It's New Years and something has crawled up his Butt. We aren't even doing anything big and yet he is slinging accusations and word vomit my way through text. I don't get it, I just don't understand why Holidays have to be so bad all the time. We are suppose to Celebrate a new year, a new start. It's just a reminder that this year probably will be as lousy as the last year and the year before that. Does anyone actually have good holiday's with their spouse?

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[waverider]

We do, we go away by ourselves for the week leading upto Xmas and come back boxing day. That way there is not pressure overload to do any of the xmas stuff and interactions. Everywhere is quiet as, with everyone else still at home stressing over xmas. Helps its summer in Aus

The two months leading up to it are a different story though

[Cloudy Days]

We only went to one Christmas party this year and trust me he threatened several times not to go. I didn't let it bother me as this is normal holiday behavior for him. It is just going to be me and him and possibly my mom, which he invited. And he flipped on me, for no reason at all. Just irritates me as I was looking forward to it and now I am not.

It feels as if I shouldn't look forward to anything, so when things do go good I can be surprised, but what kind of life is that, never looking forward to anything.

[Chilibean13]

Our Christmas wasn't that bad. He was kind of grumpy but not horrible. He has been dysregulating for 2 days. I don't care about us. I put other things before our family, blah blah blah. We are going to hang out with friends tonight.    Hopefully he chills out before we get there.

I know with my H ANYTHING that is out of the norm sends him spiraling. I've even noticed minor periods of transition, such as going from one place to another are causes of stress. We are more likely to fight when things are in flux. Once we get there, he is ok. It's like he doesn't know what to expect so it freaks him out.

[Daniell85]

Mine has a hard time being straightforward about what he is doing. We are long distance. I asked him, he gave me literally such an ambiguous answer 5 or 6 times that I knew if I persisted, it would go pear shaped.

At the end, I said "Ok" and went and did other things. I have no idea and the drama of trying to sort it is just more than I have interest in doing right now.

chilibean it sounds like your guy has anxiety issues.

[maxsterling]

Well, it depends on the definitions of "good" and "with them". 

With my wife, I can guarantee she will stress out and dysregulate at least once.  But individual events during the holiday time do offer some reward.  For example, Christmas day was actually very, very good.  The weeks before and the week after have been hell. 

But my feeling is that trying to spend a large amount of time with a pwBPD during the holidays is a set-up for exhaustion.  It takes enjoying the good times, saving some time for yourself, and avoiding too much enmeshment to get through with your wits. 

[still_in_shock]

this so familiar: i never understood as to WHY my ex had to ruin every special event like major holidays, guests coming to our place, or us going to people's places... Every single time he had to do smth nasty - to show up late and hence drag me late (on purpose), throw a tantrum when a good friend is visiting making her feel so unwelcomed, or screwing my elevated pre-party mood so that I end up going to boss's home party in tears...

What is wrong with them in this regard - ruining special occasions? I have a hypothesis - i think they do it once we've been depreciated at least once. since then, them seeing us happy and socializing remind them of their perceived resentments of us, and they try to hurt/ruin/revenge on those special days. that was how it felt about my ex

It's New Years and something has crawled up his Butt. We aren't even doing anything big and yet he is slinging accusations and word vomit my way through text. I don't get it, I just don't understand why Holidays have to be so bad all the time. We are suppose to Celebrate a new year, a new start. It's just a reminder that this year probably will be as lousy as the last year and the year before that. Does anyone actually have good holiday's with their spouse?

[flourdust]

The last year or two ... .no, it hasn't been possible. Before that, I don't recall holidays being particularly bad, although I was usually the one who had to do all the work while she came along as a guest.

A year ago, things were getting pretty bad for us. I didn't yet know about BPD, but I did know that our relationship had been going down the tubes for months. Her mother arranged to take our daughter out of time so we could have some alone time together. I tried to make it romantic -- got a hotel room downtown, champagne, nice dinners out. But I arranged to have friends join us for dinner, because I didn't feel confident that we could be alone together without fighting. She enjoyed the pampering. I felt it was time well spent. As soon as the holiday ended, the conflict resumed.

This year, holidays have been pretty bad. She's been finding ways -- intentional or not -- to sabotage them. I've been doing my best not to let her do that. When she dysregulated right before we were supposed to leave for a Halloween party/trick-or-treating, I gave her a few minutes to calm herself, and when that didn't happen, I took D10 and left without her. This makes her even more unhappy and angry at me, but it also means I'm enforcing a boundary that her dysregulation doesn't trump special events.

[OceansAway]

 

This  thread made my heart happy while tearing up in the bathroom. Mentally, before finding this safe place, I was keeping a mental list of holidays ruined by my uBPDh. My birthday, Christmas, anniversaries, his birthday (28 Dec, try that on for size), flag day... .You couldn't name one.  The stress is just such a powerful trigger.

This year we were down to two dysregulated days, down from about two weeks last year that made my parents vow never to spend the holidays with us again. I think diagnosis would help, but I'm heartened that I'm no longer alone in understanding what is happening to all of my special days, and that by employing strategies I can have a real impact on the quality of both our lives. It took bravery this year - to save Christmas vacation I had to ski down a very steep slope I wasn't ready for to prove it wasn't too icy, which would have ended our ski trip - but I did it, and I continue to want to turn the catastrophic into minorly  inconvenient.

Happy new year all, grateful for your insights and support as always.

[RR4U]

I honestly can't think it's possible.  He just left to get coffee and I'm taking a 20 min break alone taking time to read this. Geez I don't think any of us can win.  It's a catch 22.  We stay home they are moody. We make plans to go out with them they are grumpy. We go out on our own they call 50000000 plus times. 

[Jessica84]

Ugh. Hate to chime in, but I have the same question, with a twist - does everything have to go absolutely perfect for them to enjoy a single holiday?

Just spent a lovely week out of town with uBPDbf. Everything went pretty well, except a few minor dysregs that ended quickly. Then yesterday we got stuck at the airport ALL DAY LONG... .flight delays, bad weather, road closures. They ended up flying us to the nearest city and we had to rent a car to get home. None of it my fault or his, but Mr. Grump started in with the bashing, the name-calling, the ridiculing, then the silent treatments. Validation didn't work. Ignoring him didn't work. Non-stop criticism. I had enough. When we finally got back to his place his mood worsened even more... .so I got my bags and went home. I didn't care how late it was. I didn't want to end the trip like this, but I couldn't listen to his mean, sarcastic, rudeness anymore. Now it's New Year's Eve and I haven't heard from him all day. Silent treatment on NYE. ((sigh))

Better luck next year?