Starting a new life after 11 years...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello, this is my first post and this is my story... .

Both of us are 28 now, that gives you some perspective. I first spotted my ex-fiancée 11 years ago on an online chat of some kind while I was bored away from home. After 3,5 months we met (we haven't even had pictures of each other then). We talked and laughed. I liked that she was a little bit shy, but charming and funny. We started seeing each other. She was shy too much, so I was struggling to change her attitude to even hug each other on a date. We had some serious talks about it, cause I wanted to see her commitment, not only hear it. So that has been slowly changing. I didn't leave her, because I kinda liked her modesty. Then I found that she has an abusive mother who changed in the past partners all the time, when her father left (she was 5, her brother 2). She became a 'family hero' (I've found the term last year and it describes pretty much everything except alcohol that she like). When I met her, her mother was in a long term relationship with a man-parasite, abusive, drinking and unemployed (but good in bed... .).

Nevertheless, after 6 month we've had our first time. She wasn't nearly a sex demon but my reward was the looks in her eyes. I was complimenting her all the time about her looks and wits but she was convinced that she was too fat (she was a little bit chubby). So after her constant moaning that she couldn't watch herself in mirror, one day I simply told her that I love her body, but if it is such a big problem for her and I cannot convince her by any means, maybe she should go on a diet. As you can imagine, from now on I've heard from time to time that I was the one that caused her low self-esteem about her body.

So 4 years passed and I was looking for a way to end the relationship, because I was tired of her being constantly unhappy, not listening to my words and not trying to find resolution. She was begging me not to go, even made a proposition for me to go to bed with another woman if I wanted to see how it is. That was a ridicule for me. Trying to fix a relationship not by insightful thought and listening each other but by agreed cheating? I left her twice after serious talks that went nowhere, each time for a few days to try to reach her, or end once and for all. I then started seeing some girls but every one of them had some issues that I couldn't bare. I slept with one without satisfaction, so I ended everything and reached my future fiancée back. I didn't tell her about anything and that was the biggest punishment for me, drilling my guts.

A year later, she suddenly became cold and her friend told me she slept with someone. I then was deeply in love and that was the opportunity to speak about my episode. And of course, she was blaming me for hiding it for a year. Her behaviour was less important. Not trying to make excuses, I slept with a single girl and thought about her for serious and my future fiancée slept with a guy that had a fiancée and a newborn kid. Talking about boundaries here... .She also told me, that she was hiding smoking from me for all these years (she knew my attitude from the start and I even wanted to leave her for lying about that sometime in the first year). Every time I smelled something from her clothes it was her mother, brother who was smoking and when I smelled it from her mouth she borrowed one this one time only from a friend because of stress. She could even not smoke during a week of vacation together (or I am an even bigger fool for falling for that). Now I know, this cheating situation was probably triggered by my problems at the University, when I became vulnerable and more self-conscious. But she then told me it was her biggest mistake and it won't happen again, because she didn't want to relive that experience.

Next years was a road downhill, me investing more and more, she less and less, even though she still said that she loved me very much. I found her a job that she has to this day and that was the turning point of everything, simply put, I gave her the rope to hang me on it. It was a place where my mother's old high school friend worked. But I will come back to this later. So now she escalated talking to her friends in a way to show herself as a victim and me being a ass, even though I very seldom did anything that could make her mad. She stopped taking contraception pills all of a sudden, even though we had a clear schedule of when she will make a pause made two months before. She's rejected the idea of pills ever since. I became depressed with physical conditions (anxiety that caused stomach-aches and digesting problems). After thorough tests, gastrologist said that I should visit a psychiatrist. And that was it. I felt better, but my sex drive and ability went down. I always wanted and could, and suddenly the situation has changed. Guess what I heard? I was overreacting, I didn't need medication, how could I took anything that caused that and when I couldn't or didn't want to have sex I didn't love her anymore or she didn't attract me anymore. Of course, everything that I said didn't matter. We went on vacation, she was cold and distant, went to sleep as soon as we went back to the hotel room. Once we tried, it was ok, even so long that I was exhausted, but I couldn't finish. I now remember, each 5 or 6 times throughout our whole relationship when I couldn't finish she was disappointed and angry, even though I was comforting her. We came back from vacation, I was leaving the next day on my internship to the other town (not far away) for a month. She promised that she would come on one or two of the weekends. Thing were seeming... .hm... .stable, but I know it was bad since 6 moths or so (of course, I tried serious talks that again went nowhere because I had logical explanations to nearly every argument and admitting my faults, when they were mine and wanted her commitment). After a week, I wrote a longer massage with some nice things and compliments by an instant messanger, she replied why I was romantic all of a sudden. I didn't know what she was writing about, that was normal for me, I did it once, twice a week. She wrote that she won't be coming for weekend. Later that day, she accused me of every crime in the world and broke up (by a messanger, yeah). Tried to call her, refused the call. I thought she was drunk and her toxic friend did this, because the language was off. But I wrote in the morning, she was nicer, but she upheld the decision. So I didn't contact her for 3 months, but I made mistakes, like posting some bitter songs on fb. I was devastated (worst time of my life), after 2 months I found a girl, smart and cheerful, the sex was great, but when she went to sleep I cried every single time.

When I posted "I don't care anymore" by Phil Collins and some other songs that showed that I moved on (I didn't, but she couldn't know that), my future fiancée contacted me. We went to a pub, she was a person that I thought I could reason with, had a long talk that ended in one of the best bed time in my life. She apologised, told me that she didn't know what she had been thinking, she hadn't known what she wanted, etc. I immediately left that girl and we decided to try again. And boy, even having the memory of those 3 months and her behaviour in the back of my head, the next 4 months were the best of my life. She really tried her best, we haven't had any argument about anything, she noticed even tiniest little things that I did to please her. She was complimenting me on a daily basis for the first time in our relationship. We were seeing each other 5 times a week, spending together as much time as wee could (both working). I was in heaven, I really thought she was an angel then, and then I thought of proposing to her. I prepared the event for weeks, there happened one argument that gave me second thoughts, but it resolved, so I did it and it was magical. She was constantly surprised and truly amazed. When we went to hotel for the night, I had the best sex of my entire life. And then she said that it was the best evening of her life and that she was truly the happiest woman in the world. I was filled with joy and wanted that moment to last forever.

The next day we visited my friends, everything was normal, went to her home and that was the first time I saw her that she isn't as excited as every other woman would be. She was like "ok, that happened". As if she started acting and not feeling comfortable with it. But we established that we finally will move together and that was my next goal to make her happy. As you can imagine, things started to getting worse. She started to be always exhausted, her visits became more obscure, I stared to visit her three times more. But I lost my job and tried to focus on finishing my studies (she didn't like that, I should do both, even though my studies were very tough). I also crashed my car (nothing major, but the repair would cost more that the car itself). At two weekends she initiated sex and, not counting one more time later, that was the end of her true sexual drive for me. There was some nice sex but only when I initiated and did 70% of the work first. Also, she cut me from all the sexy stuff, the little quirks we both liked doing for years. Talking f.e. about lingerie. She sometimes brought it with her, but then never bothered to put on. Some other things became maybe (so basically, 99% of the time, no) and another never again, and that left me truly disappointed, remembering all those years and even our talks from before the proposal. Anyway... .She was treating me through messenger like I was her enemy and she of course didn't know what I was talking about. I decided not to discuss more serious topics through the messenger. Two months after the proposal we were at a barbecue with her friends from work only (the same one I found her). She was distant and provoking me with a passive-aggresive behaviour. To keep it simple, the party was during the cup stage of Champions League match (I am a fan of football, as she is of volleyball, I always watched 'her' matches witch her without complain). We had a discussion before the party when I was joking if there will be guys to watch the match with me. She moaned very much that if I want to watch a match I can stay home and she will go alone and was angry how could I even think of that. So guess what got onto me. After two hours of treating me like air and sitting far away, changing seats after a while whenever I went near her, she told me "why won't you go watch the match?" in her mean tone. For everyone else not knowing the context it was a simple statement, but I know she did this on purpose. I snapped, but kept it in moderate. I grabbed a clean plastic cup (like in american movies at the parties, red and white) and threw towards her - I even missed, cause it was so light it didn't reach the distance. I only said "I do not like the way you talk to me and the way you behave, so stop it" and left. Guess what a campaign started against me between her and her friends from work (5 ladies in their 40-60s, none had had a happy marriage: alcoholics / physical abusers and a guy in prison, so, yeah, great women to receive advice from... .). That was "humiliating" and so on... .It was always like that at parties with her friends, when she knew she have allies, and I don't. When she was with my friends, nothing has ever happened. So, after the incident (remember, two months after "the most beautiful proposal she could imagine" - her words) she made a list of my pros and cons. And she said that on the pros side there is only sex. That was so humiliating to me, that I couldn't even believe that. It was simply insane.

Here is when I would like to digress about her work. I know things got worse previously quite coincidentally when she started developing a crush on her boss's son (I found out later). And she (the boss) fully encouraged it. There was one problem - he wasn't interested at all, it seems he was just flattering himself. But I knew everything. When I tried to confront her without giving from where I knew, she was always telling another lie, that he's an immature kid or that I am imagining things. But I didn't. She once left her fb logged, her messages were emptied, but I saw her search log. She was searching for him once, twice a week! In last year, when we were reconnected, she searched him over 120 times! Twice as much as me! Even in those 4 superb months and in the week after the proposal! And he didn't have any photos or any activity, so what for? She was cheating on me emotionally all the time... .

So... .next, after a long talk that we will move together as soon as I finish studies and find work, it became a little better for a while, but... .I was doing everything to please her, massaging her back, her feet, cooking for her, giving flowers and other small gifts but she was giving me not enough gratitude and never complimented me. When I was saying how sad this is for me, she was becoming angry and saying "you want to be treated like a king!" or "you are the man, you have to compliment me" or "everything always has to be your way". Still, I was trying to fully commit to my studies but she constantly moaned about work and money. And one time, when I had enough, when she asked where are all your money from your previous job, I replied "I spent it all on the proposal day to make you happy and you don't even appreciate it. You are making me sad and starting to regret that I gave you the ring, because it went downhill from that exact moment". This sentence, sad and sane as it could ever be, was haunting me till the end. With every argument it returned. I found no support in her (pretty much never really did). My depression came back and failed to pass the last exam. She was very disappointed even though I always said that even if this happen, I will find a job and we will move together asap. Remember when I wrote about trying not to argue about petty things? Imagine this: I went to a photographer to take a new professional picture to my new CV in order to find a better job. What she have done? She raged me on spending money on stupid things! And it cost me the same amount as the cheapest booze, so very little. She even wrote that she would not pay for my debts! I have never asked her to and I always spend a little more on her than she did on me. And remember on what event I've spent all my savings back then... .and that was another very cruel and unfair thing but I resisted. And the more I resisted to be mean to her, the worse she would become.

[Wiser_Everyday]

Hello, this is my first post and this is my story... .

Both of us are 28 now, that gives you some perspective. I first spotted my ex-fiancée 11 years ago on an online chat of some kind while I was bored away from home. After 3,5 months we met (we haven't even had pictures of each other then). We talked and laughed. I liked that she was a little bit shy, but charming and funny. We started seeing each other. She was shy too much, so I was struggling to change her attitude to even hug each other on a date. We had some serious talks about it, cause I wanted to see her commitment, not only hear it. So that has been slowly changing. I didn't leave her, because I kinda liked her modesty. Then I found that she has an abusive mother who changed in the past partners all the time, when her father left (she was 5, her brother 2). She became a 'family hero' (I've found the term last year and it describes pretty much everything except alcohol that she like). When I met her, her mother was in a long term relationship with a man-parasite, abusive, drinking and unemployed (but good in bed... .).

Nevertheless, after 6 month we've had our first time. She wasn't nearly a sex demon but my reward was the looks in her eyes. I was complimenting her all the time about her looks and wits but she was convinced that she was too fat (she was a little bit chubby). So after her constant moaning that she couldn't watch herself in mirror, one day I simply told her that I love her body, but if it is such a big problem for her and I cannot convince her by any means, maybe she should go on a diet. As you can imagine, from now on I've heard from time to time that I was the one that caused her low self-esteem about her body.

So 4 years passed and I was looking for a way to end the relationship, because I was tired of her being constantly unhappy, not listening to my words and not trying to find resolution. She was begging me not to go, even made a proposition for me to go to bed with another woman if I wanted to see how it is. That was a ridicule for me. Trying to fix a relationship not by insightful thought and listening each other but by agreed cheating? I left her twice after serious talks that went nowhere, each time for a few days to try to reach her, or end once and for all. I then started seeing some girls but every one of them had some issues that I couldn't bare. I slept with one without satisfaction, so I ended everything and reached my future fiancée back. I didn't tell her about anything and that was the biggest punishment for me, drilling my guts.

A year later, she suddenly became cold and her friend told me she slept with someone. I then was deeply in love and that was the opportunity to speak about my episode. And of course, she was blaming me for hiding it for a year. Her behaviour was less important. Not trying to make excuses, I slept with a single girl and thought about her for serious and my future fiancée slept with a guy that had a fiancée and a newborn kid. Talking about boundaries here... .She also told me, that she was hiding smoking from me for all these years (she knew my attitude from the start and I even wanted to leave her for lying about that sometime in the first year). Every time I smelled something from her clothes it was her mother, brother who was smoking and when I smelled it from her mouth she borrowed one this one time only from a friend because of stress. She could even not smoke during a week of vacation together (or I am an even bigger fool for falling for that). Now I know, this cheating situation was probably triggered by my problems at the University, when I became vulnerable and more self-conscious. But she then told me it was her biggest mistake and it won't happen again, because she didn't want to relive that experience.

Next years was a road downhill, me investing more and more, she less and less, even though she still said that she loved me very much. I found her a job that she has to this day and that was the turning point of everything, simply put, I gave her the rope to hang me on it. It was a place where my mother's old high school friend worked. But I will come back to this later. So now she escalated talking to her friends in a way to show herself as a victim and me being a ass, even though I very seldom did anything that could make her mad. She stopped taking contraception pills all of a sudden, even though we had a clear schedule of when she will make a pause made two months before. She's rejected the idea of pills ever since. I became depressed with physical conditions (anxiety that caused stomach-aches and digesting problems). After thorough tests, gastrologist said that I should visit a psychiatrist. And that was it. I felt better, but my sex drive and ability went down. I always wanted and could, and suddenly the situation has changed. Guess what I heard? I was overreacting, I didn't need medication, how could I took anything that caused that and when I couldn't or didn't want to have sex I didn't love her anymore or she didn't attract me anymore. Of course, everything that I said didn't matter. We went on vacation, she was cold and distant, went to sleep as soon as we went back to the hotel room. Once we tried, it was ok, even so long that I was exhausted, but I couldn't finish. I now remember, each 5 or 6 times throughout our whole relationship when I couldn't finish she was disappointed and angry, even though I was comforting her. We came back from vacation, I was leaving the next day on my internship to the other town (not far away) for a month. She promised that she would come on one or two of the weekends. Thing were seeming... .hm... .stable, but I know it was bad since 6 moths or so (of course, I tried serious talks that again went nowhere because I had logical explanations to nearly every argument and admitting my faults, when they were mine and wanted her commitment). After a week, I wrote a longer massage with some nice things and compliments by an instant messanger, she replied why I was romantic all of a sudden. I didn't know what she was writing about, that was normal for me, I did it once, twice a week. She wrote that she won't be coming for weekend. Later that day, she accused me of every crime in the world and broke up (by a messanger, yeah). Tried to call her, refused the call. I thought she was drunk and her toxic friend did this, because the language was off. But I wrote in the morning, she was nicer, but she upheld the decision. So I didn't contact her for 3 months, but I made mistakes, like posting some bitter songs on fb. I was devastated (worst time of my life), after 2 months I found a girl, smart and cheerful, the sex was great, but when she went to sleep I cried every single time.

When I posted "I don't care anymore" by Phil Collins and some other songs that showed that I moved on (I didn't, but she couldn't know that), my future fiancée contacted me. We went to a pub, she was a person that I thought I could reason with, had a long talk that ended in one of the best bed time in my life. She apologised, told me that she didn't know what she had been thinking, she hadn't known what she wanted, etc. I immediately left that girl and we decided to try again. And boy, even having the memory of those 3 months and her behaviour in the back of my head, the next 4 months were the best of my life. She really tried her best, we haven't had any argument about anything, she noticed even tiniest little things that I did to please her. She was complimenting me on a daily basis for the first time in our relationship. We were seeing each other 5 times a week, spending together as much time as wee could (both working). I was in heaven, I really thought she was an angel then, and then I thought of proposing to her. I prepared the event for weeks, there happened one argument that gave me second thoughts, but it resolved, so I did it and it was magical. She was constantly surprised and truly amazed. When we went to hotel for the night, I had the best sex of my entire life. And then she said that it was the best evening of her life and that she was truly the happiest woman in the world. I was filled with joy and wanted that moment to last forever.

The next day we visited my friends, everything was normal, went to her home and that was the first time I saw her that she isn't as excited as every other woman would be. She was like "ok, that happened". As if she started acting and not feeling comfortable with it. But we established that we finally will move together and that was my next goal to make her happy. As you can imagine, things started to getting worse. She started to be always exhausted, her visits became more obscure, I stared to visit her three times more. But I lost my job and tried to focus on finishing my studies (she didn't like that, I should do both, even though my studies were very tough). I also crashed my car (nothing major, but the repair would cost more that the car itself). At two weekends she initiated sex and, not counting one more time later, that was the end of her true sexual drive for me. There was some nice sex but only when I initiated and did 70% of the work first. Also, she cut me from all the sexy stuff, the little quirks we both liked doing for years. Talking f.e. about lingerie. She sometimes brought it with her, but then never bothered to put on. Some other things became maybe (so basically, 99% of the time, no) and another never again, and that left me truly disappointed, remembering all those years and even our talks from before the proposal. Anyway... .She was treating me through messenger like I was her enemy and she of course didn't know what I was talking about. I decided not to discuss more serious topics through the messenger. Two months after the proposal we were at a barbecue with her friends from work only (the same one I found her). She was distant and provoking me with a passive-aggresive behaviour. To keep it simple, the party was during the cup stage of Champions League match (I am a fan of football, as she is of volleyball, I always watched 'her' matches witch her without complain). We had a discussion before the party when I was joking if there will be guys to watch the match with me. She moaned very much that if I want to watch a match I can stay home and she will go alone and was angry how could I even think of that. So guess what got onto me. After two hours of treating me like air and sitting far away, changing seats after a while whenever I went near her, she told me "why won't you go watch the match?" in her mean tone. For everyone else not knowing the context it was a simple statement, but I know she did this on purpose. I snapped, but kept it in moderate. I grabbed a clean plastic cup (like in american movies at the parties, red and white) and threw towards her - I even missed, cause it was so light it didn't reach the distance. I only said "I do not like the way you talk to me and the way you behave, so stop it" and left. Guess what a campaign started against me between her and her friends from work (5 ladies in their 40-60s, none had had a happy marriage: alcoholics / physical abusers and a guy in prison, so, yeah, great women to receive advice from... .). That was "humiliating" and so on... .It was always like that at parties with her friends, when she knew she have allies, and I don't. When she was with my friends, nothing has ever happened. So, after the incident (remember, two months after "the most beautiful proposal she could imagine" - her words) she made a list of my pros and cons. And she said that on the pros side there is only sex. That was so humiliating to me, that I couldn't even believe that. It was simply insane.

Here is when I would like to digress about her work. I know things got worse previously quite coincidentally when she started developing a crush on her boss's son (I found out later). And she (the boss) fully encouraged it. There was one problem - he wasn't interested at all, it seems he was just flattering himself. But I knew everything. When I tried to confront her without giving from where I knew, she was always telling another lie, that he's an immature kid or that I am imagining things. But I didn't. She once left her fb logged, her messages were emptied, but I saw her search log. She was searching for him once, twice a week! In last year, when we were reconnected, she searched him over 120 times! Twice as much as me! Even in those 4 superb months and in the week after the proposal! And he didn't have any photos or any activity, so what for? She was cheating on me emotionally all the time... .

So... .next, after a long talk that we will move together as soon as I finish studies and find work, it became a little better for a while, but... .I was doing everything to please her, massaging her back, her feet, cooking for her, giving flowers and other small gifts but she was giving me not enough gratitude and never complimented me. When I was saying how sad this is for me, she was becoming angry and saying "you want to be treated like a king!" or "you are the man, you have to compliment me" or "everything always has to be your way". Still, I was trying to fully commit to my studies but she constantly moaned about work and money. And one time, when I had enough, when she asked where are all your money from your previous job, I replied "I spent it all on the proposal day to make you happy and you don't even appreciate it. You are making me sad and starting to regret that I gave you the ring, because it went downhill from that exact moment". This sentence, sad and sane as it could ever be, was haunting me till the end. With every argument it returned. I found no support in her (pretty much never really did). My depression came back and failed to pass the last exam. She was very disappointed even though I always said that even if this happen, I will find a job and we will move together asap. Remember when I wrote about trying not to argue about petty things? Imagine this: I went to a photographer to take a new professional picture to my new CV in order to find a better job. What she have done? She raged me on spending money on stupid things! And it cost me the same amount as the cheapest booze, so very little. She even wrote that she would not pay for my debts! I have never asked her to and I always spend a little more on her than she did on me. And remember on what event I've spent all my savings back then... .and that was another very cruel and unfair thing but I resisted. And the more I resisted to be mean to her, the worse she would become.

[Wiser_Everyday]

PART 2

So after two weeks I've found the best paid job I've ever had (the photo helped a lot, so there you have it, do you think she apologised? no.) and we started to look at the flats to rent. Here is what I need to explain. We live in a huge city and lived quite coincidentally at the opposite ends. The job I've found was at the very end of the city borders where only one bus went. To the place she works there are 14 (I am not kidding here - fourteen) buses that intertwine with the route of mine, and with every single of them she would be quicker by half in her work than me in mine. So every sane person would first look at the route of my bus, right? She twisted that in a way to make me selfish. Nevertheless, we looked at two of the pre-chosen flats, we chose furniture together even, and the next day, when I was done looking at third potential one and called the owner of the first that we are taking it, she wrote suddenly that she doesn't want to move with me. I was shocked, angry, sad and disoriented as hell. In those couple of months she told me about moving together like, 50 times or more. And when I did everything she wanted from me, no, without any reason. I rushed towards her, met her leaving her work. She was cold, didn't want to even touch me, she said that she don't know what she want anymore or even if she love me. I was trying to make her explain and when I caught her lying, I went towards the exit saying I will won't waste my time with bull___. She stopped me, I sat down and had the most intellectual improvised speech in my entire life. About love, commitment, trust, disputes, about two hours of me pretty much constant talking about the past, the present and the future.  I made her cry, but she didn't say much. I proposed mutual counselling for both of us, she replied that I am making her crazy and she isn't one. Then she went home. I was waiting, not writing anything but basic stuff about when and where to meet. We postponed it twice or three times and after a month we finally met.

I spent that month on writing a letter to her. I think of it as a magnum opus of my intellectual commitment to the relationship. It had over 5000 words (13 A4 pages with a 12 font). She read the letter for a half an hour or so and was clearly moved. We had a conversation where she admitted that she wanted to give me back the ring, but the letter changed her mind, and she always saw the one small 'negative' (at least in her mind) thing that I've done over five huge positive ones. But she blamed me for not caring enough and not coming with flowers to see her. I asked then, "if I would come, what would you do? Reject me. So what is the point of you saying that?" She actually agreed, that she would probably do that. After some more talking, in a minute of silence (we were eating) she even said (without me pushing) that she agrees to counselling to save our relationship. We were hugging, kissing, I felt that she hesitates, but she looked me with 'love', did things that she didn't do in a long time, like petting my cheek with looking deeply into my eyes and kissing me in the forehead with care. I ended up in her bed, we had sex, longest in years when she said that she loved me. Before we fell asleep I said "so you said that you love me, do you?", she replied "if I said so, I think, probably yes" (what the heck!). In the morning I went to work and she blamed me for her head spinning and confusion, because she had everything sorted out. Yeah, I am the bad guy by being too good. We had some conversations, pretty much just me writing about us, to forgive, forget, start over but we both have to be engaged in fixing it. Then I said that if she wouldn't fully commit, the relationship would have to end.

We met at the same pub as year earlier and that was the weirdest, most unfair conversation I have ever had. I didn't know who is sitting in front of me. Constant lying, denying and blaming me for things even from the first year of the relationship. I was laughing at the amount of absurdity I was getting from her and she was getting furious blaming me of "humiliating" her (by rejecting her lies). I bought her an USB Drive and two ebooks about how men's mind work, that if she didn't want to listen to me, maybe she will read it and find answers to her questions. She rejected the item of course. She started calling the affair with the girl from year ago "cheating", even though it was her who left me in a disgusting manner and we weren't together then, and that she knew about her from the moment we decided to reconnect and I explained everything, and even though she happily wanted to marry me, so her argument became simply invalid. Then, she started defending her mother all of a sudden, even though in 7 or 8 years she didn't say anything positive about her (her statement for year was: "this is my mother, so I won't abandon her when she would need help, but she cannot count for my compassion". She pulled the argument of faith - I am an atheist and do not want to baptise my future children until they are old enough to understand the meaning of the act and wish that. She didn't go to church for a long time, wanted to baptise children only for traditional reasons. Surprisingly (or not... .) she wanted to go to church every Sunday and will baptise children no matter what. So I said, that I obviously would not keep her strangled and I will use the hour to cook her dinner then, no problem. And the baptism is a matter of another conversation. So she said that I am weak and changing my principles. And she wanted me to go to church with her. This was so stupid on so many levels, I was an atheist even before we met and she always knew that. Next, she accused me of being interested in 'your stupid politics' (again, thing that make me tick) and I simply replied that I am not going to change what I like and what I think is important (she is interested in gossip sites... .). At one point after another absurd statement I demanded the ring from her. She hesitated but I repeated five times. She was afraid then, I could feel that. I challenged her to name one thing that changed in me since the proposal and her supposedly being the happiest woman alive. She could not tell. And I said that nothing that I would do would make her happy, ever if I brought her a star from the sky or the Moon on my back. She agreed. So I asked "what should I've done to make you happy, to commit?" She replied "threaten me that you would leave". I answered "As you see, I am doing it now". She then stood up and started to dress up. I came to her, put my hand gently on her shoulder and asked her politely to sit down because I didn't finish and I want her to listen for 5 more minutes what I have to say. She said not to yank her and that she is not interested in it. So, I snapped then. I've said in her ear four words that I used for the first time in my life towards any woman. Trying to translate it would be like a "twisted whore, ___ing rag". She then run away and it became her only excuse to leave. As if everything that she has done to me didn't matter. Sure, I am not proud of it, I didn't even knew I was capable of doing so. She pulled the darkest demons out of my soul. But that was the moment I was at the bottom. I did everything in my power to make her happy and she made me like this. Filled with shame because she used my good will against me.

We wrote some things later, basically me trying to show her absurdities of the situation. She only replied shortly for some messages, that I do not listen and she has had enough of me pushing her around or that I have no feelings. Or that she wasn't negatively biased at start (yeah... .). Then, the premiere of a new film came and we both wanted to go. I called her, talked and cried, tried to reason and she agreed to come with me. I went there to have nice time. We were early, I joked around, she smiled often. We sat through the movie, I grabbed her hand, hugged once and we caught the night bus to her home. She didn't want now to touch even. I walked her home, we talked a little bit about what had happened. Then I asked if we will meet before holidays, she replied that maybe, she will let me know how with the work and preparing for the holidays. So the next day, in my stupidity, booked a hotel for a weekend as a present for her, us. Later that evening, I simply wrote how was your day. "Ok". "I meant how was work and preparation for holidays". So she answered why do I even bother asking, it is over. I wanted to not end the relationship in such a bad way, so there I had it. I was again, surprised. She, again, couldn't say it to my face. So I wrote some things in my defence and that she knew from the start that she wanted to end but had to provoke an excuse for doing so because of lack thereof. She replied that I had an excuse. So I asked in what, because I had always seen my mistakes and I always admitted if I did wrong. No answer. And that is it. She doesn't know about the hotel, I cancelled the reservation quietly after... .

... .I searched google for toxic relationships and found about BPD. That knowledge enlightened me, gave me the answers for all my questions. The year before, a friend told me about it, but I was too addicted to see through. I saw also my faults. This year I've done everything in my power (so my psychologist said all the time since the situation with the flat), so those texts only confirmed my thoughts coming only from my instinct and deduction. But after couple of days reading I spotted the thing about white knights. I've never felt like it, I couldn't even breathe or swallow without difficulty, my legs were stiff. I know it was true, because I've said it a week before that I have a deep urge to fix things not knowing that this is a condition. Yeah, I always had to prove myself, even though till high school I was the best with everything except for sports. My parents unwillingly gave me these traits, as well as bullies in primary school. I have to fight fear that I would not "succeed" in life and disappoint everyone and constant fear in school how much they humiliate me the next day. I believed I could do nothing, because I was one, they were 5-6 and when I stood up and beaten one guy, things got even worse. I even counted the days till the end, like a prisoner. And, my fiancées nature caught my fear when I failed at the University and I developed a Stockholm Syndrome. As you can see, I am open to knowledge about world, about people, always was. I like to self-develop, reading wise words and making my own mind. I once bought a pair of books for lovers, one for me, and one for her, I read both and I think she didn't even bother. She was resilient to knowledge, fearing, that she would read something about herself that she wouldn't like. How do we learn how not to make mistakes, how to be a better person without an open mind? She preferred lying and pretending things. I am trying to move forward, I have found a nice flat and move in a couple of days. One thing at a time. I must find a way not only to know, that she is a broken person, but also feel it in my guts. And, what a karma, my old friend is, I believe in similar situation as I was a year ago, so I'm also giving him advice but I think that he isn't ready... .

Thank you very much for reading. I had trouble writing all that and that is only an essence. Basically, I know that I was attached by one kindly little thing she would have done once in a while to keep me invested and desperate for more. I unliked her from fb already, asked my friends to do the same.

[Wiser_Everyday]

And yeah, the important thing I forgot is when it really started to get bad. A week or two after the proposal, when we met and she was kinda sad I simply asked if she wasn't happy to see me? She replied that she was. So I asked her to smile at me. She gave me a beautiful answer "don't be such a pussy (she used the stronger c word)". I was shocked back then. And in the "ending" conversation I remembered her that. She provoked my anger to say those nasty words to her and she said hers calmly. And I asked her, so should I immediately leave you then? She replied "you should think then". No remorse.

Thank you for keeping this forum and the advice you give!