How do I get away and heal?

[Athena169]

Hi All,

I am looking for any advice or support you may be able to offer. I have been in a relationship for almost 6 years. He was the most incredible man I have ever met. We seemed to want the same things in life and he was very romantic and compassionate. After the first year I found out he was cheating with his ex girlfriend and that he had been charged with domestic violence previously. He told me that they had been drinking and that the ex was trying to drive drunk, that he only stopped her from driving and he was the victim. I of course believed him. A few months later he got drunk and choked me. He said he thought I was cheating on him and had humiliated him at a party with his friends. The next morning he made breakfast as if nothing had happened. I later found out he had cheated on me at the party? Because he was so amazing most of the time, I yet again ignored the abuse and tried to make things work. Over the last 5 years he has cheated numerous times, lied, and manipulated me. Everyone who knows him seems to think he is the nicest guy, except for his mother and his ex girlfriends. He can smile and say beautiful things and 2 minutes later be cold and screaming that I'm garbage and say he's done with the relationship. After the devastation he texts or calls to say how he loves me and can't live without me, only to then cheat or yell some more. I finally started withdrawing from the relationship because I feel like I am breaking down. After 4 months of this he bought me a beautiful necklace for Christmas and said he wants to get help and be better. I believed him yet again and yet again he took no steps to get help even after I gave him all the support and resources he requested. Then he admitted he slept with another girl several times over the last 3 years and even 10 days ago? His friends have now seen what he is doing and told me to run. My family has told me to stay away and stop allowing him to control me. I have gone no contact for 3 days then made the mistake of answering him because he said he needed help. That turned into 40 texts about how I am stupid and need to learn to be better, how I don't really love him, how I can't be trusted? He then sent me a text to say he will never let me go. The police have been involved on a few occasions and I don't want him hurt or in jail. I just want to be left alone to rebuild my life and get healthy again. I am seeing my own counselor now and understand that what I am experiencing is trauma bonding but I just don't know how to make it all stop. Is no contact going to work if I follow through? Please help.

[Moselle]

Hello Athena,

Welcome to the site

It sounds like you're having a really tough time. This will get easier.

It's quite normal to love someone and especially if they behave in such positive ways in the beginning.

Well done for getting to where you are. I recognise the courage it takes to get there.

Yes NC (no contact) will work eventually and when you hold your boundaries, he is likely to eventually get bored and find someone else to target.

The first thing to do is to ensure your safety. You mentioned that the police have been involved before and that he choked you once. Are you concerned he may try again?

[Athena169]

Thanks for your speedy reply. I honestly don't know what to think anymore. The police became involved because when I attempted no contact after a nasty argument, he blew up my phone and email. Then told me I would get what was coming to me. When I asked the police for advice they pushed my file to the top of the high risk department and said they had genuine concerns for my safety. He is a paramedic/firefighter with a lot of contacts in the emergency services. My local police said this was a concern and reported the incident to his area department. That department sent his friend who is an officer to speak with him? (that was helpful). He claims he would never hurt me again but then says he will never let me go? I don't know if he would or if this is just part of his rage and a way to get me to reply?

He has been seeing someone else for 3 years behind my back and yet wont let me go. I just don't get it?

[Fr4nz]

Thanks for your speedy reply. I honestly don't know what to think anymore. The police became involved because when I attempted no contact after a nasty argument, he blew up my phone and email. Then told me I would get what was coming to me. When I asked the police for advice they pushed my file to the top of the high risk department and said they had genuine concerns for my safety. He is a paramedic/firefighter with a lot of contacts in the emergency services. My local police said this was a concern and reported the incident to his area department. That department sent his friend who is an officer to speak with him? (that was helpful). He claims he would never hurt me again but then says he will never let me go? I don't know if he would or if this is just part of his rage and a way to get me to reply?

He has been seeing someone else for 3 years behind my back and yet wont let me go. I just don't get it?

Well, BPD is disordered thinking, so it's normal you don't get his behaviours without some psychological knowledge

Perhaps you may want to read this nice book chapter, it can be helpful to better understand the patterns behind BPD:

www.universitypsychiatry.com/clientuploads/picp/10_PICPs.pdf

Another ensemble of pieces of knowledge comes from user 2010 (a woman), which I encourage you to read from the beginning:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?action=profile;u=38193;sa=showPosts

As to what you can do in the immediate: go NC. It's clear there may be serious dangers for your health.

Perhaps, before going NC you may want to write him a compassionate, heartfelt e-mail/letter where you explain why you're going NC. It is very likely that he won't listen and perhaps he will rage at you, because of fear of abandonment, but at least you're going to tell him why you're going NC and you'll give him some elements on which he can ponder in the long term.

A big hug

[Suzn]

Hello Athena169  

I'm sorry you've gone through all of this with your ex.    What a scary and painful experience for you. Do you have a safety plan in place just in case? Putting a safety plan together helps us feel more in control as we work towards recovery. We can help with this... click here--> Safety First

When I asked the police for advice they pushed my file to the top of the high risk department and said they had genuine concerns for my safety.

What were their recommendations for you?

[Athena169]

Thanks for all of your kind support.

I have a full safety plan in place with the help of some friends in my local victim services. The police said to go NC and report if I see him near me or if he is bothering me in the form of threats. I honestly don't trust them anymore because when I went to them for help and followed their instructions things were quiet for 2 weeks. Then they contacted his friends in his local detachment who went for coffee with him and informed him that I made a complaint, while also letting him know all of the details of the file. (he admitted this but hard to prove), they reported his behavior to his employer and to child protective services. All investigations showed fine because as you must know he is very high functioning and can make anyone believe what he wants them to see. And then it began again because he was angry with me for speaking to anyone about the situation.

[Athena169]

Thanks Fr4nz. 

I wrote him an email 3 weeks ago telling him that there is nothing I wouldn't do to support his wellness but there is nothing I will do to support destructive behavior. I outlined MY reasons for walking away and let him know that it is not abandonment but that I love him very much and I refuse to be treated poorly. Treatment, wellness, and me in his life were all choices. It was his choice to treat me poorly and my choice not to accept it? This helped for about 2 days then back to avoidance, projection, and attacks. I'm just simply exhausted. Thank you so much for the resources. I will read them asap.

[Fr4nz]

Thanks Fr4nz. 

I wrote him an email 3 weeks ago telling him that there is nothing I wouldn't do to support his wellness but there is nothing I will do to support destructive behavior. I outlined MY reasons for walking away and let him know that it is not abandonment but that I love him very much and I refuse to be treated poorly. Treatment, wellness, and me in his life were all choices. It was his choice to treat me poorly and my choice not to accept it? This helped for about 2 days then back to avoidance, projection, and attacks. I'm just simply exhausted. Thank you so much for the resources. I will read them asap.

Well, then I think you can go NC now... .also, follow the very useful suggestions suzn gave you.

Best wishes!

[Suzn]

I have a full safety plan in place with the help of some friends in my local victim services. The police said to go NC and report if I see him near me or if he is bothering me in the form of threats.

Good to hear you have a safety plan in place.   

This helped for about 2 days then back to avoidance, projection, and attacks. I'm just simply exhausted.

Are you responding to him when he contacts you? 

[Athena169]

Are you responding to him when he contacts you?  [/quote]
I haven't been until I made the mistake of responding 1 time last night. It was a mistake that I regretted almost immediately. It just turned into random accusations against me and then into a conversation about how he needs me to support him and in his words "help make him a better person." I stayed calm, didn't engage, and simply stated how he could seek help, offered resources, and restated my boundaries. That I would not engage in destructive patterns and wished him the best in his search for help.

[Moselle]

I stayed calm, didn't engage, and simply stated how he could seek help, offered resources, and restated my boundaries. That I would not engage in destructive patterns and wished him the best in his search for help.

Wow. Well done. This is boundaries 101

[thisworld]

Athena hi,

I feel for you and I'm happy that you have a safety plan. It's also great that you have a support circle.

Do you have a chance to record phone calls with him so that if he increases the situation, you have some proof?

Best