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JSF13
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Single
Posts: 119


« on: January 03, 2016, 06:23:57 PM »

So my ex and I have been speaking since christmas. After 6/7 weeks of NC I broke. I will not lie I am beyond weak for her. As expected the convos have been quite a roller coaster on both ends. I very much am hurt and it is hard to keep myself regulated but for the most part I do (Except on NYE when alcohol was involved).

She is currently "renting a room" in her ex husband from 3 yrs ago house. She has lost her benefits at work and is in the middle of a court case and cannot commute easily from Florida to Massachusetts. I am currently living in LA.

She assures me it is 100% not what I think. That this is temp and he has other roommates. At 35 yrs old this just seems off to me.

She insists that the main part of the failure of our relationship was my behavior and friendships with other women. I am friends with lots of both men and females. Some women I previous dated and it didn't work and we decided friends were better. These relationships were truthfully never going to work with my inability to connect or care enough. I will make it clear that I by no means am talking innapropriately with these women I am friends with nor giving them any ideas. Something I have explained over and over to my ex. These people have even tried to befriend her which never goes well. The min I am not there she makes sure to sever the friendship. Some of these people are very close friends of mine

I have told her I know she is less than truthful about what happened where  my friendships were put in serious turmoil after her interactions with said friends. She insists they are lying. That everyone wants me and they're all "scumbags". All 3 of my friends have almost identical stories. There is no way they can actually be lying. I even went as far as when she again told me what happened send each friend the story she claims about them and all 3 say 100% not true.

She has been up and down over my constant self regulation and not allowing her to waltz back into my life. I have made it clear that IF she comes to visit me I want to go see someone and see if we even have a chance at this working. Like I said I cannot lie I love this girl more than any human ever. When she is regulated and trying she is the most amazing girl in this world. Her "Idolization" phase is great and we are very good to one another.

I am not innocent in this relationship. I will not say this is all her fault. I have made my share of mistakes as well. Today we're not really speaking. She made a comment at me again this morning devaluing me and I haven't responded back to her since. I am guessing it is a matter of hours before she reaches out again. She does not do too well when I shut down. In fact she cannot stand it.

I really don't know what I am going to do from here. If anything in these 3 months we have been apart I have gained its my self respect back. I will not let her nor her BPD make me a doormat.

She is currently in DBT therapy 3 days a week and is in month 3. I have seen some improvement since we started speaking again. SHe keeps telling me how she feels like she lost the best thing she ever had but then turns around and acts very different.

For now I just take it 1 text/phone call at a time. Anyone with any in site please feel free to chime in. I want to make it clear that I very much am holding my ground and not caving to her demands or her trying to forcibly make her way back into my life
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TheRealJongoBong
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married
Posts: 267



« Reply #1 on: January 04, 2016, 02:57:59 PM »

JSF, no one here can tell you whether your present approach is good or bad. The fact that your ex is still in therapy is a good sign, and it sounds like you've learned enough to make an informed decision. From what your note says you both still seem to feel enough for each other to give it another try.

That said, only you know the color of the pool you're thinking of diving back into. Just be sure to keep your motivation clear and plan to have plenty of exit points available. I would be taking it in very tiny steps if I was in your situation.
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JSF13
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Single
Posts: 119


« Reply #2 on: January 04, 2016, 04:06:10 PM »

JSF, no one here can tell you whether your present approach is good or bad. The fact that your ex is still in therapy is a good sign, and it sounds like you've learned enough to make an informed decision. From what your note says you both still seem to feel enough for each other to give it another try.

That said, only you know the color of the pool you're thinking of diving back into. Just be sure to keep your motivation clear and plan to have plenty of exit points available. I would be taking it in very tiny steps if I was in your situation.

We haven't spoken now in 24 hrs after I had said to her that we cannot discuss our issues without a therapist because we need someone to help us work through the issues one by one. She apparently didn't like that answer and then devalued me. I responded with "Wow ok" and we haven't spoke since. As I told my sister: If I have gained anything back in the 3 months we have been apart it's my self respect and I will not let her bully me into what she wants nor will I deal with the tantrums.
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TheRealJongoBong
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married
Posts: 267



« Reply #3 on: January 05, 2016, 09:25:23 AM »

Power on man, that was good work! Her position that therapy is good for her but isn't appropriate for the two of you is unique but not unexpected. Hopefully the anxiety produced from this discussion will go down in a few days and she will see the situation a little more clearly.
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JSF13
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Single
Posts: 119


« Reply #4 on: January 05, 2016, 06:09:14 PM »

Its not that she doesn't want to she just wants to be able to waltz back into my life and I'm not allowing it. She after 24 hrs texted me last night to which i had very little to say. She then first thing this morning made sure to be right back at messaging me. Asking if I was still upset with her. I let her know I was. She couldn't understand why. I was very respectful and validating of both myself and her as to not make her feel attacked but was very firm about my position and how I wouldn't be budging as I have done that for a year and it leaves me resentful and hurt while she continues to pick me apart. Within a few texts she went from "Sorry" to right back to the same behavior to which I said that I was done talking in a circle and done with the convo. I ten said if you want to know why, she could revert back 4 texts to where I said "You never let me talk. It's only always about how you feel and your wants and that makes me feel very invalid and controlled". Our relationship has always been about her. What makes her feel safe and secure at whatever cost. There is no compromise. Only her way. I made it clear I had set boundaries for our interaction now and she will not step over them anymore. 
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JSF13
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Single
Posts: 119


« Reply #5 on: January 11, 2016, 03:40:55 PM »

Well since relentlessly texting me since xmas and saying how much she missed me as well as numerous nasty messages she has decided again to walk away. Again. She said she brings nothing but chaos to my life. This was after her for the past 3 becoming completely dysregulated because I have had my own struggles lately with work and just not being as talkative as usual and keeping to myself some. I have no real emotions to any of it as I've been so cold to everything in general. I'm sure she will resurface again but honestly feel like I can't even care. Talking to her since xmas has been exhausting. Nonstop with the texting, need to get "even" if I am not doing what she wants and the childish tantrums. Oh and least I forget the need to attempt to control me. None of this is my fault and theres not a chance in hell she can convince me or anyone for that matter that I didn't do enough.
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TheRealJongoBong
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married
Posts: 267



« Reply #6 on: January 12, 2016, 08:56:15 AM »

Excerpt
Our relationship has always been about her. What makes her feel safe and secure at whatever cost. There is no compromise. Only her way.

Cut this out and put it on your bathroom mirror.

It makes me laugh. My wife is exactly the same way but will deny it every time. Every now and then she will bend a little, but then the lack of control starts getting to her and she snaps right back.
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JSF13
***
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Single
Posts: 119


« Reply #7 on: January 12, 2016, 03:17:09 PM »

Excerpt
Our relationship has always been about her. What makes her feel safe and secure at whatever cost. There is no compromise. Only her way.

Cut this out and put it on your bathroom mirror.

It makes me laugh. My wife is exactly the same way but will deny it every time. Every now and then she will bend a little, but then the lack of control starts getting to her and she snaps right back.

Not a bad idea. As much as the whole thing sucks I really just feel emotionless. You beat someone up for 18 months nonstop for just trying to love you and just walk out on them it makes it hard to emotionally open yourself up to them again. I feel like after this recycle attempt I just feel nothing but cold now
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