How to push my BPD ex over the edge?

[Duck_Borders]

Hello Everyone,

I'm going to be completely straight forward here.  This is a terrible question to ask... .So that you know I've put a lot of thought into this, and I truly see no other way out that doesn't bankrupt me emotionally and financially, and more importantly, severely damage my son's physical and mental health.  I am going through a terrible divorce for a marriage (elopement) that lasted 43 days before my BPD ex attacked me and then had me falsely arrested.  She then moved while pregnant across the continent.  I then attempted to repair the relationship for my child's sake.  She extorted me for abortion money, then extorted me more and more.  In total about $25,000 worth of extortion before she served me with divorce papers.

Long story short - she filed for divorce and we're now in the long, painful, useless process of family court.  She has her lawyer accusing me of being a brain damaged, wife beating, drug addict and trying to secure sole custody while also falsifying my income as $120,000 more than it is. 

The judge said in court that she thinks there might be a personality disorder here which gives me some hope.  The judge has given me 4 hours per day visitation (which my BPD ex has already broken and done other things to ruin it).  The judge also approved a Guardian Ad Litem and family support services where we are to do 2 months of individual therapy followed by joint co-parenting therapy.

I have no doubts that should my BPD ex be able to fool all of these therapists, or if I do not get a good verdict (one that allows me to move back to my own country with our son and be his primary custodian), that my ex will use extreme parental alienation against me.  That my son will grow up damaged and tortured by this woman.  That my ex will use my son to extort money from me for the next 25 years.  That my ex will continue to ruin our son's life and my life. 

Here's my question:  I do not want to have to answer to this person.  She is severe, but she's also an actress and can hide her true self at times.  I am looking for advice on how to push her over the edge.  I don't care about morality or remorse.  She's showed none to me or our son, so I will show her none either.  If there is a button that would cause her to go completely off the deep end, I will push it without hesitation, both for our son, and also for myself. 

I'm sorry to ask such a terrible question.  To clarify - this is not about revenge or anything like that.  This is about the easiest way to ensure my son and I have a happy and peaceful life.  It will be much harder to have that life with this woman in control.  She adds no value to life and only brings chaos and a path of destruction.

Again, the primary reason I ask this question is for my son.  If I had no children with this woman, I would walk away from her and never speak to her again.  If I am able to gain primary custody - I will do everything in my power to ensure my son and his mother have a healthy relationship.  I will put my feelings for her aside and make sure that our son and his feelings come first, no matter what. 

Sincerely,

[ugghh]

Duck,

I think that many of us have experienced similar costly and painful experiences.  If you read through the board I think you will see that there is no easy way to accomplish what you seek.  I do not mean to imply that all hope is lost, just that often it takes outsiders a longer time to see the true picture of a BPD that is plainly evident to those that have lived with them.

In my own experience, much of the actions are BPD are about asserting control over the partner.  When you resolve to control your responses to their button pushing activities and limit their ability to impact your life, it can often lead them to ramp up their irrational activities in a series of extinction bursts.  I would highly suggest you review the lessons at the top of the topic as well as consult the Bill Eddy book, Splitting.  Ultimately, you cannot per se force the BPD to do anything, however your actions can definitely influence her behavior.

When going through my divorce, I found it best to view it simply as another business transaction. Most importantly, remember you may know your ex wifes strengths and weaknesses better than anyone.  Use your knowledge to your advantage.  ALWAYS remain calm. 

For example, I knew my ex was a borderline hoarder.  I had already moved out and we agreed to sell the house.  She of course wanted to pick her agent - I said fine, however if the house was unsold after 120 days, then I wanted a credit back for each mortgage payment I made.  By agreeing to let her pick the agent, set the price and me agreeing to pay a few months of mortgage payments, I let her think she had control.   In reality we used her over priced  estimate to keep the case moving although I knew market value was lower.  Impulsively she was worried about the cash in front of her today, not thinking about the clean up needed or the long term costs.

[Duck_Borders]

Thanks for the reply.  I'm actually on my third read of splitting.  My ex is a blamer and a perpetual victim.  She's very pretty and is very good at getting rescued by new victims.  I was only married for a brief time and the only thing for us to fight about is custody and support payments.  She wants full custody and max support payments that are more than my actual income, but because I own my company she is using an accountant to twist my income.  Like all BPD's she wants complete and total control over me. 

My biggest frustration with every BPD community is everyone is talking about ways to co-exist with these people.  There seems to be quite a large group of people that feel sorry for them (which I can partially understand).  I do not want to have to have this out of control person in my life, constantly accusing me and stealing from me for the next 20 years.   My point is, has anyone successfully used their wit and knowledge to out maneuver a BPD and get them to screw up so bad in court that the court cannot give them custody?  I'm not talking about lying or blaming the way a BPD does.  I just mean doing things that you know will infuriate them further than usual.  For example, I told her in writing today that I needed her to be on time for my visit with my son because I am meeting a friend after (hoping I might hit a jealous button of hers).  It didn't work, she was actually on time for the first time ever.  but I'm interested in tryi anything like that. 

I am not interested in fighting fair and trying to co-exist with a person that is actively trying to destroy my life.  I want her gone, or at the very least, I do not want her to have any legal control over myself or our son. 

Thanks for your feedback.   Any thoughts are appreciated (especially comments about why this is a bad idea)

Duck,

I think that many of us have experienced similar costly and painful experiences.  If you read through the board I think you will see that there is no easy way to accomplish what you seek.  I do not mean to imply that all hope is lost, just that often it takes outsiders a longer time to see the true picture of a BPD that is plainly evident to those that have lived with them.

In my own experience, much of the actions are BPD are about asserting control over the partner.  When you resolve to control your responses to their button pushing activities and limit their ability to impact your life, it can often lead them to ramp up their irrational activities in a series of extinction bursts.  I would highly suggest you review the lessons at the top of the topic as well as consult the Bill Eddy book, Splitting.  Ultimately, you cannot per se force the BPD to do anything, however your actions can definitely influence her behavior.

[Turkish]

Given what she did (fleeing with your unborn son), and trying now to keep him, while attempting to destroy your livlihood, you have a right to be angry. Very angry. I still think sometimes that it would be easier if my Ex weren't in the picture, like if her depression got so severe that she took herself out, and my situation isn't a third as conflictual as yours. Then I think, "would I want to raise half orphans? How would I explain the inevitable questions? My Ex's BPD traits arose prtially from abandonment, and my mom's BPD was largely due to being orphaned and 12, then fully at 14." Somehow explaing that "Mommy was sick" doesn't seem to cut it.

A few of us co-exist with the other parents ok, but with strong boundaries. Many had to fight for years to gain access to their children, even f to the tune to tens of thousands of dollars, or more. I'd boil it down o: " what's best for the child."

In some cases, this may turn out to be possible years of litigation where you eventually end up with majority custody. Others, such as my co-worker who had a horrible lawyer, it ends up like minority custody and a lot of CS, dealing with a dysregulating Exw who assaulted him, and is weird to this day as his son is about to turn 18. Even despite all of the money and frustration over the years, he's still remained a significant influence in his son's life.

Why t may be a bad idea? To be blunt: it may be obvious to others what you are doing. Later, obvious to your son. The conflict and pain may only be deferred, but it will demand payment at some point... .

You're hurt, and are being hurt. The litigation is likely to reopen the raw wound for quite a while. Focusing on an end goal across the pain may help center you towards an ultimate goal, even if it's very hard to see at this time, to keep your eyes on the prize, so to speak.

[enlighten me]

I had similar with my ex wife and purposefully pushed some of her buttons during the divorce to make her seem (show her true colours) unstable.

It also wasn't malicious or vengeful it was to show who she really was.

If you are going to do this then you have to be squeaky clean. Find the point of leverage and apply pressure. With my ex it was money. Maybe by proving your income for child support and timing it right it could make her dysregulate enough to make her appear unstable.

It is a dangerous tactic and could blow up in your face.

[livednlearned]

Duck,

I understand the question that you're asking. How do you exploit the weaknesses in your ex's mental illness in order to gain an advantage in court. I used to fantasize about sending crates of alcohol to my ex as an anonymous gift 

Your ex is already under the microscope right now, and in one of your recent posts you wrote that the judge seems to be aware there could be a PD. The judge also scolded your ex for denying access. You have a good lawyer and your case, while moving more slowly than you want, is moving forward favorably. Your ex is not complying with medical experts around son's care, and she is not complying with the court order. You'll have a GAL involved soon and a coparenting therapist -- two third-party witnesses who are going to see that mom has issues, not just with you, but more importantly with caring for your son.

What are we missing here? This is a case that has genuine traction. We're here to help you walk through this -- people on this board have felt what you're feeling, and have had to process the same kind of intense anger. No one is encouraging you to follow through with your plan to destabilize ex.

Why?

[GaGrl]

I guess I am confused about how your ex is setting up/controlling your court-ordered time with your son.

Are your son's disabilities so severe that a nurse is required?  If not, can you quickly go back and ask for the 4 hours of court-ordered time to be with your son to be unsupervised (meaning, without the nurse) and at your home?  You can show that your home has been outfitted to accommodate the child's needs.

Of course, this is going to take your ex off the rails.

[ForeverDad]

Several years back we had a member, oh my, he always disparaged his ex, publicly called her a psycho, literally, it was way beyond nasty.  We never met him of course, nor his ex, but it blew up in court, even got into the news.  Frankly, maybe she was worse than him, maybe not, but both looked real bad in court and in the press.  Eventually it was really hard to say which one looked worse.  But clearly his actions got him into hot water with the court.

A decade ago, there were some here who really ranted endlessly about their ex-spouses or BFs or GFs.  Over time though, we've successfully encouraged our membership to focus on improving ourselves and developing strategies that met our goals without going overboard.  Yes, quite often we didn't get credit for being the sane, calmer parents, but that was the wisest course anyway.

Of course, that doesn't mean we have to dance on eggshells around the exes to avoid triggering them.  We certainly don't want to hide the ex-spouse's biased or distorted perceptions or uncontrolled emotions, we'd just as soon have them "let it all hang out" for all to see.  If they just so happen to misbehave in front of the professionals and we had a little to do with it, well, life happens... .

[Forward2free]

In my own experience, and with the support I received on this board, I focused on my own actions, thoughts and reactions to BPD/Nxh.

It's so much harder to take the high road and not be eaten alive by anger and frustration and wrongdoing and total unfairness.

But, in the end, the "easy" button you are seeking is the hardest to accomplish. You can only control yourself.

-Go no contact or low contact.

-Do not engage or enrage.

-Remain calm.

-Limit all communication to 3 sentences maximum, preferably email only so it is easily documented.

-Stick to the facts.

-Do not deal with more than one topic at a time.

-Be as professional and emotionless as possible.

-REMAIN CALM - ALWAYS.

The BPD/N seeks attention - good or bad. By starving them of a reaction to their bad behavior, you are pushing the one button that you can't control - their reaction.

[Nope]

FD is right that life happens. With all of the professionals coming your way to help you do have a pretty good case for big changes. The best thing to focus on is making yourself look not only like the more stable parent but the one that has more to give the child. Not necessarily financially, but normal life stuff.

My DH's kids are older so my example won't directly apply. But before going to court I compiled a list of all the different kinds of extra curricular activities offered in our area. I compiled the great professional reviews of the school system. I even went so far as to write out what a typical child care day would look like from what time the school bus (with bus number) showed up at the door and who would get them on and off the bus every day. I wanted to make sure the court felt confident that DH and I were totally prepared to go from having about 10% custody to more than 95%. So focus on doing your research to make the best case for why you are better equipped to look after your child's needs. Her own lack of preparedness will be evident when the professionals talk to her.

As for setting off the ex, don't go too far out of your way. Less is more in this regard. Court proceedings can be very triggering for a BPD and it only gets worse for them as time goes on. Once our GAL was assigned DH simply gave her all of his evidence and listed all of his concerns. One concern was that he was supposed to be allowed to talk to the kids. BPDex would only allow him the bare minimum one call per week. So, he sent BPDex a text on a random day asking to speak to the kids and she text him back making obvious excuses and denying him access. He sent the screen shots directly to the GAL saying that now that a GAL was assigned, and Ex should be on her best behavior, this was what she was doing. Did DH ask for an extra call with the kids knowing full well how Ex would react? Yes. Did ex blow up immediately and lose her mind? No. Because it's never just one bad act. There is almost never a "smoking gun" in these cases.

[Duck_Borders]

Thanks for all of the advice guys! 

I will take the high road.  I was asking because I want to give myself every strategical and statistical advantage possible, but I think you guys are right, she'll blow everything up on her own. 

To fill in the blanks, my son has 2 health concerns at the moment.   1) is a brain malformation, the severity of it ranges from severe mental and physical defects to completely asymptomatic.   He appears to be completely asymptomatic so far, although my ex uses this malformation in court to say he is severely disabled and therefore I cannot take care of him and she needs more money because she is a single mother of a severely disabled baby and I beat her and forced her to flee for her life.  2) he had to have a tracheotomy because his airway was obstructed by a growth (trach should come out within a year).   

The nurse was assigned because of the trach.  12 hours per day, 7 days per week.   My BPD ex hated most of the nurses, and found one that worked well with her.  I've now discovered it's because this one nurse has been "converted" to her distortion campaigns.  The nursing agency is stalling to release their records to me (I'm 95% confident the nurse and my ex are defrauding the gov.).  I've already sent a formal letter to the governing body for the state asking them to investigate.  (The letter was phrased as I have concern over the nursing agency and medical supplies company services, as my BPD ex lies and blames all of her screw ups on them)   The hope is that these two companies will now be forced to defend themselves and reveal that it is my BPD ex that is screwing things up, not the companies.

The nurse loves my son very much.   She suffers financial and emotional loss to be with him every day.  She routinely blocks me from bonding with him.  The nurse and my BPD ex team up on me often.    Just the other day the nurse started yelling at me that if my son comes to my house she will quit. 

Etc etc etc.  There's so much crazy here.   It's too much to type.   One other valid note is I'm positive the nurse witnessed a fist fight between my BPD ex and her father.   And possibly her fathers new wife... .  My lawyer is planning to subpoena the nurse. 

Also, I just found out my ex grew up part time in a brothel... . 

What's the best stuff here to gradually mention to therapists and/or GAL?

Thanks for talking me up to the high road!

Duck

[livednlearned]

These are really, really intense custody cases here, and we understand how powerless it can feel to have court involved.

I do think there is an emotional arc, if you can call it that. During the early stages of a court battle, when you're just getting involved, it's excruciatingly intense and it's normal to externalize your anger on the system, on your ex, on anyone who works at cross purposes and can't see what's really going on.

But it does ease up. People who have BPD are on an emotional roller coaster and you have to make the decision to not get on it. That means finding other ways to channel the intense feelings that come up -- organize your case, exercise, meet new people, meditate, take parenting classes, learn everything you can about BPD and raising emotionally resilient children. These will help you.

Just following the court orders, and being assertive about your boundaries (assertive, not aggressive) is going to be difficult for your ex. You don't have to do anything except respond in measured, normal, assertive ways. She will likely dysregulate on that point alone.

She managed to find a nurse who is now on the roller coaster with her. She is a negative advocate and probably in over her head. The next three months are a trial period and it's essential that your behavior is impeccable. The worse they behave, the better you behave. And let the documentation and witness testimony bear that out. This isn't just because it's the high road, it's because you want to get a favorable outcome in court. Anything less is playing with fire.

[SamwizeGamgee]

I hear you.  I have been through the emotional arc described above.  I had to stop reading the Stop Walking on Eggshells books because it felt like was being taught how to better endure more abuse and enable the painful relationship to continue.  Eventually, I did resolve a little anger, and finished the book.  Nevertheless, I have longed for some form of validation or rescue - I wanted someone else to see what a manipulative, dangerous, frigid, blackmailing, angry, insecure, bad mouthing, alienating, and unhappy person my wife is.  I wanted someone else to see and feel what I felt.  I wished she would just hit me, break something, flip out in public, take her life, run off, have an affair, or something.  I wanted her to do something that I could prove, something that would justify me wanting to get a divorce, something to demonstrate the harm she was causing to me and my kids.  But, the act goes on, and I still get compliments on her and the family.

Secretly, I have been preparing for divorce, emotionally, financially, mentally, and with the kids.  I have focused on my own growth and wellness. I have reached a point of peace inside.  I am better than ever before, in part because the horrible marriage I am in - I have had to be so much more of a father than I could have gotten away with if I had a healthy wife. 

I am saying all this to encourage you to stay on the high road.  Protect yourself.  We are striving to be free of abuse, which is control. Don't set up things to manipulate and control your wife.  I have a strong belief that, especially if the judge suspects that there is a disorder involved, that calm behavior will win the day.  Understand it from the judge's point of view - s/he sees angry divorcing spouses bad mouth and revile each other, everyday.  I believe the judge simply adopts the idea that both parties are to blame, and are clearly not on the best behavior.  You have got to stand above this. 

Live beyond reproach.  I don't want to go all metaphysical on you and say that by putting out good energy you will have good returned to you, but, in the gritty legal world, you have to convince a judge, GAL, and others that you are an exemplary father.

There's the saying that if you give her enough rope, she'll hang herself.  Let it happen.  Given time, pressure, and scrutiny, I think your wife will undo herself.  And even if not, you kid will eventually pick up the truth - and have a father to look up to all his life.

[Duck_Borders]

Thanks again guys. 

I'll keep you posted as this progresses.  Today, my BPD ex actually followed court orders and wasn't present at all for my visit with my son.  We're going to the pediatrician on Thursday though, and after that I am theoretically allowed to take my son to my apartment, rather than sitting in the gym of my ex's luxury condo building.  I definitely see a big trigger coming when she "loses control" there... .

Not sure if my fingers are crossed for a blow up or a peaceful day... .  Either way I can handle it just fine. 

[livednlearned]

Thanks again guys. 

I'll keep you posted as this progresses.  Today, my BPD ex actually followed court orders and wasn't present at all for my visit with my son.  We're going to the pediatrician on Thursday though, and after that I am theoretically allowed to take my son to my apartment, rather than sitting in the gym of my ex's luxury condo building.  I definitely see a big trigger coming when she "loses control" there... .

Not sure if my fingers are crossed for a blow up or a peaceful day... .  Either way I can handle it just fine. 

Will you have someone with you?

[Duck_Borders]

I think I'll drive separately and meet them at the Dr.  Then whenever she finally allows my son to come to my apartment I'll have a nurse with me.  If I do drive in the same car as her I have a great app on my android phone that secretly records audio and video while I'm using googlemaps... .  so if anything happens (like she refuses to put the baby's seatbelt on... .yes that happened twice), I'll have it on camera. 

Thanks again guys. 

I'll keep you posted as this progresses.  Today, my BPD ex actually followed court orders and wasn't present at all for my visit with my son.  We're going to the pediatrician on Thursday though, and after that I am theoretically allowed to take my son to my apartment, rather than sitting in the gym of my ex's luxury condo building.  I definitely see a big trigger coming when she "loses control" there... .

Not sure if my fingers are crossed for a blow up or a peaceful day... .  Either way I can handle it just fine. 

Will you have someone with you?