It Will Be UGLY

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

These people will ALWAYS push it past the most virialant codependency and make it to where WE Nons MUST wake up and stop the degredation of our core values and soul.  Let 2016 give us spines.

[JaneStorm]

These people will ALWAYS push it past the most virialant codependency and make it to where WE Nons MUST wake up and stop the degredation of our core values and soul.  Let 2016 give us spines.

[Lonely_Astro]

These people will ALWAYS push it past the most virialant codependency and make it to where WE Nons MUST wake up and stop the degredation of our core values and soul.  Let 2016 give us spines.

That was my gift to myself for the new year: J is history.  While the wound remains, she's gone and it's going to stay that way.  I've ordered my boat hard a-starboard to avoid her siren song any further.

Here's to a great 2016 for us 'Nons'!

[JaneStorm]

These people will ALWAYS push it past the most virialant codependency and make it to where WE Nons MUST wake up and stop the degredation of our core values and soul.  Let 2016 give us spines.

YES! Brothers and sisters. No more.

That was my gift to myself for the new year: J is history.  While the wound remains, she's gone and it's going to stay that way.  I've ordered my boat hard a-starboard to avoid her siren song any further.

Here's to a great 2016 for us 'Nons'!

[UVA2002]

Amen! They will get theirs

[Mutt]

Hi JaneStorm,

These people will ALWAYS push it past the most virialant codependency and make it to where WE Nons MUST wake up and stop the degredation of our core values and soul.  Let 2016 give us spines.

I felt frustrated with my ex wife with disrespecting my personal values. I think that what helps protect us are boundaries. Boundaries are self compassion and self love and is an invisible protective outward layer that protects our inner core morals and values. I think that the spine that you describe for 2016 is setting limits and boundaries.

Setting Boundaries and Setting Limits

[Moselle]

Boundaries are self compassion and self love and is an invisible protective outward layer that protects our inner core morals and values. 

I like this definition on boundaries. I never thought of them that way. Like an exoskeleton 

[JaneStorm]

Hi JaneStorm,

These people will ALWAYS push it past the most virialant codependency and make it to where WE Nons MUST wake up and stop the degredation of our core values and soul.  Let 2016 give us spines.

I felt frustrated with my ex wife with disrespecting my personal values. I think that what helps protect us are boundaries. Boundaries are self compassion and self love and is an invisible protective outward layer that protects our inner core morals and values. I think that the spine that you describe for 2016 is setting limits and boundaries.

Setting Boundaries and Setting Limits

Yes. I have read that over and over. It gave me the fuel to rise up and love myself as I would my own children. I would NEVER want a relationship like this for them. Why should I be in it? I don't hate him. I don't. I won't hurt him. It serves me for him to think I would. It will keep him at bay while I buttress this self-compassion and self-love. I do love myself as I do my own adult sons. I have worked decades on it and it comes back to me quicker, each time I slip and forget. Thanks Mutt. 

[Mutt]

JaneStorm,

It will keep him at bay while I buttress this self-compassion and self-love.

I think that boundaries are about keeping bad behaviors out and self protection keep our ex partners at bay. We can have compassion with boundaries. Is your ex partner disrespecting your boundaries? I can relate having a difficult time setting boundaries because of my family of origin.

[JaneStorm]

JaneStorm,

It will keep him at bay while I buttress this self-compassion and self-love.

I think that boundaries are about keeping bad behaviors out and self protection keep our ex partners at bay. We can have compassion with boundaries. Is your ex partner disrespecting your boundaries? I can relate having a difficult time setting boundaries because of my family of origin.

Yes; I discovered after a wonderful 1 month recycle (after a crappy discard at T-giving), he was still in contact (attempting by 3rd party - tell 'her' I said hello... .   ) with an inappropriate former sexual partner that he swore he did not want anything to do with. It seemed benign from the outside but after the accumulated trauma, I saw where it was going. If I had just 'broke up', he would have eventually gaslighted me, telling me I overreacted (I was very calm when I told him this was the last straw), and he would worm his way back in. I had to go NUCLEAR with information I have been sitting on for 1.5 years that would literally destroy his relationship with his family. I never wanted it to come to that but he will at least think twice before painting me black to mutual business contacts, his family, or sending scathing emails/texts.

[Mutt]

JaneStorm,

It will keep him at bay while I buttress this self-compassion and self-love.

I think that boundaries are about keeping bad behaviors out and self protection keep our ex partners at bay. We can have compassion with boundaries. Is your ex partner disrespecting your boundaries? I can relate having a difficult time setting boundaries because of my family of origin.

Yes; I discovered after a wonderful 1 month recycle (after a crappy discard at T-giving), he was still in contact (attempting by 3rd party - tell 'her' I said hello... .  ) with an inappropriate former sexual partner that he swore he did not want anything to do with. It seemed benign from the outside but after the accumulated trauma, I saw where it was going. If I had just 'broke up', he would have eventually gaslighted me, telling me I overreacted (I was very calm when I told him this was the last straw), and he would worm his way back in. I had to go NUCLEAR with information I have been sitting on for 1.5 years that would literally destroy his relationship with his family. I never wanted it to come to that but he will at least think twice before painting me black to mutual business contacts, his family, or sending scathing emails/texts.

JaneStorm,

I'm sorry to hear that. It would me hurt too if my partner was trying to communicate with an ex through someone else. It sounds like a terrible thing to go through during the holidays. We can't control the actions of others but we can control our own actions. If your ex does Y than you respond with X. He can say that he's going to worm his way back but you can set a boundary on you that you won't have a relationship recycle.

I don't think that we can control our ex partners with splitting us white or black because it's a subconscious defense mechanism. BPD is a persecution complex and the person believes that their circumstances are caused by other people's actions. I wouldn't suggest using information against him or his family because it will perpetuate a cycle of blame and conflict and will likely cast you in the role of persecutor. I think that you can also set a boundary with you with not engaging in triangulation. It sounds like he really hurt you over Thanksgiving.

[JaneStorm]

I won't use the info.

He immediately threw his 16-year-old son under the bus for it. Unbelievable. I told him he always blames everyone but himself for bad behavior; he said he blamed no one. I told him I blamed him for being untrustworthy. Then I emailed the kill shot. It has never been so quiet after 'discard'. Though, I did not discard him, I put a boundary around myself. It hurts, but not as much as this mess. Please try not to judge me too harshly for the email I sent. It is done.  :'(

*****************************

Everyone but you. Did he see your selfies with [too-young and broken girl]? Her t*t shots or full frontal nude pics? Did [ex-wife that is the older step sister to too-young], [17 yr old daughter], or Grandma? Maybe they should.

While I am at it, maybe [coveted husband] should see the texts, email, a$$ shot, bed shot, and winery fun you had with [adultorous cow]...

Maybe [another barely-legal broken girl]'s dad should hear about you.

I got them all. Always have.

You want to live in the past to MY peril after all of this pain you put me through? I can help you.

I was yours up until tonight. You always need that door open to your whores, don't you? I am not one of them and this door is closed. 2016 will not continue to degrade me with you; the man that actively insists on being unworthy. You could be so much more. Maybe you will, but not with me. There are plenty of women that will think you are their dream. Women with no self-worth.

There are plenty of transparent and trustworthy men that would kill to know me.

No more obsessing over your sneaky and creepy &#*t. I know you loved me and meant it as it was convenient for you. I saw myself putting all resources into business venture with you. A future. I wanted to believe so much that we had a chance.  I am a fool.  How is there a chance if you do no work on your sickness?

You are who you are. That has never been good enough for me. I have lived in dreams, hopes, and intermittent normalcy. Nothing is ever solid and Real with you. You broke me for the last time.

You touch LinkedIn and I will unleash Hell. Don't block, hide, or do any more damage to my professional reputation with your games. Leave. It. Alone.

Love Always,

Jane

Sugar

Babe

Sweetie

Sexalicious... .wait, that's [too-young and broken girl]!

[Mutt]

JaneStorm,

I understand. I'm guilty of sending emails to my ex wife after we split because I was angry and hurt. I think that's a natural reaction. I would feel hurt if I was discarded and my ex partner was quiet. What I get from your email is that you know your self worth. Let your words stand and don't JADE if he responds ( Justify, Attack, Defend, Explain ). I would also take good care of yourself and self protect with minimal or no contact to give yourself a buffer to heal.

[JaneStorm]

JaneStorm,

I understand. I'm guilty of sending emails to my ex wife after we split because I was angry and hurt. I think that's a natural reaction. I would feel hurt if I was discarded and my ex partner was quiet. What I get from your email is that you know your self worth. Let your words stand and don't JADE if he responds ( Justify, Attack, Defend, Explain ). I would also take good care of yourself and self protect with minimal or no contact to give yourself a buffer to heal.

Thanks, Mutt. I am in weekly T sessions and weekly EMDR for the next 6 weeks. I am all me, all the time!  

I am open to my close friends and not hiding out of shame (as I have done in a previous r/s), and I am applying to jobs in and out of state to grow my career. One step in front of the other. I am well aware the Earth will NOT stop spinning because I feel hurt.

Super grateful for your input.

[Mutt]

JaneStorm,

It's my pleasure 

[JaneStorm]

Just got the 'day 2 NC text'. Hoping my erosion control was effective through these hard rains.

Poor ass.

Ignoring him. Not to be spiteful, but for me. I hope he can grow from this. I am the only r/s he's had that has not matched his behavior tit for tat. I love him and myself too much.

Good things are happening in my life. I was accepted into an elite investigators' group for my vocation that will open many career doors for me. I am a strong contender for a job that is beyond 6 figures. My sons are doing well and the college-aged kid is learning coping techniques from me.

Amazing what One can do when energy is focused correctly. 

My heart aches. I cry when I need to. I text my T and talk to my friends. I have my eye on the ball. I am still the powerful and we'll adjusted woman I was when I met him. He magnified areas I still need to work on.

I will always love him for that.