I completely understand the anger and hurt of everyone in this thread. I have felt the hurt and anger from my pwBPD as well. There are no words to truly describe the hurt and anguish you have felt. I am sorry that you all have had to endure such sadness.
When in the early phases of healing, we are hurt and are mostly concentrating on our own pain. We often feel that the BPD ex got off "scot free". They don't get a free pass, they typically keep doing the same dysfunctional things and keep ruining their relationships.
This is completely accurate.
A pwBPD will hate themselves more than you ever could. They have vicious cycles of shame/self-loathing/self-disgust, which triggers maladaptive behavior to cope and regulate their emotions. For a BPD sufferer it is a never ending cycle of self-sabotage and destruction. You could do the worst thing that you could possibly think of to get retribution, but it really is nothing compared to the hell they face on a daily basis. Remember, a large portion of BPD sufferers self-harm and are suicidal. Honestly, there is nothing that you can really do that is worse to someone that already has suicidal ideation and wants to die.
All personality disordered people are not the same. I have experienced a personality disordered relationship by being the partner and the person with a personality disorder. My pwBPD, suffers from BPD and I was diagnosed with Dependent Personality Disorder. Granted, I do not fit the criteria for DPD anymore because of years of therapy and a lot of hard work. DPD is different from BPD, although both disorders share abandonment fears and poor self-esteem. PwDPD tend to be more of people pleasers and blame themselves for other people's behavior.
I do not condone hurtful or cruel behavior whether it be from a BPD, NPD, DPD, or a non-personality disordered person. From my own experience before therapy, there really was nothing anyone could have done to me to make me feel worse than I already did about myself. I felt more guilt about things that most people would never blame themselves for. All it would take is for someone to threaten or trigger abandonment and that was it; game over.