How to manage uBPD mom during important life event

[GreenGlit]

Hi forum,

2016 will bring many celebratory events for me. I graduate from medical school in May, which is my biggest life accomplishment to date other than getting married. I'm already thinking about the family challenges that these events will bring. This March is our Match Day, where students and their families get together and there is a big event at the medical school when our residency program placements are released. It's a beautiful day. My in-laws are absolutely wonderful people and are so thrilled to have a doctor DIL, and they were the first people to book flights and hotels to be there celebrating my accomplishments with me. My mom has been non-committal about everything, not promising to come, acting like she couldn't care less about it all, and my dad who is passive doesn't promise anything either. She won't just say "no" and has left me hanging for months since I told her the date of the event. The last time my mom acted this way, she missed my bridal shower (which a good friend's mom threw for me because she loves me and felt sad that my mom wasn't stepping up for me).

I just can't help but feel disappointed at every turn. I know my mom is extremely mentally ill, and is getting more disorganized and extreme in her ways as the years go by (she's in her 60s). I know they should be proud of me. They're both doctors, foreign grads, and I'll be the first US medical graduate in my family. I'm also following my dad's footsteps in terms of specialty choice. My sister went to school but left her career when she had kids, which was really disappointing for my parents since they paid for all of our schooling. I was always so excited to make them proud, and while I chose medicine because I love it, I always dreamed about the happiness it would bring my parents. It just all feels so ugly now. I am NC with my BPD sister, which is a sour subject with uBPD mother, and so I feel like I have no blood family left. It's just all so ugly on the eve of some of my most important life moments. For the first time in my life, as I finally approach financial and emotional independence from my parents after years of school and years of therapy and blood, sweat, and tears, I'm starting to feel like my mother doesn't deserve me.

I don't know what kind of approach I should have. I feel like if my parents don't come it would be easier, and at the same time it would be so painful to not have my parents at my side during these huge personal milestones. Sometimes I feel like having a BPD mother is such a cruel and perpetual curse. It's so hard to just hate her after so many years of grooming me to feel responsible for her. I long for her to be proud of me. How do I approach all of this? I'd love for all of us to go out to dinner, get drinks, and celebrate! But I think I'm hoping for way too much. uBPD mom never even greeted my MIL at my own wedding, and now I'm hoping we can have dinner together? Should I just not push it and let mom skip the event, and celebrate with my in laws and friends who are excited to be there, and excited to celebrate with me?

[Turkish]

That is a huge accomplishment, GreenGlit! I investigated going to med school 20 years ago,.mostly at the prompting of my mother (who was ashamed I wasn't doing better in life according to her projections). I can't imagine doing so, yet having a parent so wrapped up in themselves that they couldn't take a week, or even a day, to wish you well. You should be proud of yourself; not because, but despite.

It sounds like she's ruining your milestone and great accomplishment in advance. Your in-laws sound like a great support. Can you embrace your other family and detach from the drama to enjoy yourself for at least a few days? This should be about you. What you did, and sharing the love of those who have supported you. Deal with BPD mom later, and be in the moment.

[Notwendy]

Should I just not push it and let mom skip the event, and celebrate with my in laws and friends who are excited to be there, and excited to celebrate with me?


My own personal opinion from my own experience is yes, exactly this. I understand wanting to invite your parents out of respect, but then, leave it up to them to do what they wish with the invitation.

And I have a few more personal insights to share with you. First of all, congratulations on finishing medical school. What an accomplishment. I understand that you would want your parents there, but this is also a wish for what your parents may not be able to give you- their attention, love, pride and also, the assurance that your mother will behave herself. For Match Day to be the happy day you wish for it to be, having people who can give you that there is better than wishing for something that your parents can not do. It is great that you have in laws who act as parents to you.

I don't think it is possible to replace our parents in our hearts, but we need to come to accept that the parents we have may not be able to give us what we long for from a parent. This is not personal. This doesn't mean we didn't accomplish enough for them to love us. It also doesn't mean that they don't love us. They do. But in the case of mental illness, they may not be able to meet our expectations of that.  I know that you want them to act more like proud parents, but accept that they are doing the best they can in their limitations.

If you have not studied this already ( as if you had time with medical school- that kept you busy) take a look at family dynamics and roles in dysfunctional families. Of note is this: emotionally healthy parents consider their childrens' needs. Parents with personality disorders expect children to meet their own needs. People with BPD have a poor sense of self. A mother with BPD may feel some sense of accomplishment herself through her child's achievements, and also, if that child does not do something she considers impressive, may feel that this is a reflection of her. Neither is true. The child is a separate individual. Also take a look at the different roles of the children: scapegoat, golden child. This is important for your relationship with your sister.

Your mother may be proud of you, but your achievement may also result in jealousy for her if she is not as accomplished as you and if you get too much of your father's attention.

And one very important thing: for the sake of your relationship with your sister, be proud of her and let her know you love her just the way she is.

I also followed a career path that was related to my father's. I had hoped he was proud of me, but also this academic connection triggered my mother's jealousy, and so, she tightly controlled his relationship with me. Yes, I got degrees, and my parents attended, but my mother acted up and became the center of attention. At graduation, my parents got into a fight, and my father stomped off. They went back to the hotel to argue and I cried alone in my room while my friends celebrated with their families. When my children became old enough to have school events of their own, I invited my parents and each time my mother acted up in some way. This isn't because my parents are not proud of me. It is because they can not modulate their own emotions and behaviors. This is mental illness.

As a mother myself, I know that I am proud of my kids, but that I love them no matter what. If one of them were graduating medical school I would want to be there, proudly. However, if one of them chose to stay home and raise kids, I would be just as proud of them. My love and pride for my kids is not contingent on their career choice. Do I teach them the value of working hard in school and doing their best? Of course, but I also know that loving my kids unconditionally is the best thing I can give them. This is what I had wished to get from my parents, but dysfunctional parents may not know how to give this.

I also think this is important because, I did a high achieving career, and then, became a stay at home mom. I experienced the change in attitude from family, the loss of attention one gets from a prestigious job, trading intellectual stimulation for reading child books to my kids, waiting in carpool lines, diapers, preschool and being just exhausted, while judgmental people asked me " when are you going back to work?" "How can you waste that education?" Well as far as I was concerned, my children were my job and that education I have was being put to use as a mom, even if others didn't think so. I was still the same person, but people didn't look at me the same. I have a sibling who did not achieve professionally, and this sibling feels less valued in the family. We have maintained a close relationship, and I can see this pain in him, pain from wanting something from my parents that he just couldn't get. What he didn't realize is that I didn't get it either- even when I achieved academically and professionally. Because even if I became the president of the US, I would not get it from them. Because if they could have loved us unconditionally, they would have done this with all of their children regardless of what career path we chose. They did love us, just not in the way we wanted, even needed, but they only could do the best the could do.

So, on match day, be proud, be happy, and be with people who love you for who you are whether this is being a doctor, a wife, perhaps a mother one day,  but mainly just because they love YOU. Also, give this unconditional love to yourself and your parents regardless of if they show up or not, or how they behave. They can only do the best they can with their circumstance. Do this for your sister, and if you have children one day- do this for them. I know it is sad to not have emotionally healthy parents. However, we can have joy when we can unconditionally ( and note that this is different from co-dependency) love ourselves and share this with others.

[P.F.Change]

I was always so excited to make them proud, and while I chose medicine because I love it, I always dreamed about the happiness it would bring my parents.... .

I long for her to be proud of me.

I am hearing that you have an unmet need, to feel loved by parents who feel proud of you. Every child wants that--it is a normal need. It sounds like you have been trying desperately to gain that love and approval from people who aren't capable of providing it. You also want to make your parents happy, and as sweet as it sounds, you can't control someone else's happiness. I think Notwendy nails it here:

I don't think it is possible to replace our parents in our hearts, but we need to come to accept that the parents we have may not be able to give us what we long for from a parent. This is not personal.

When a parent has a condition like BPD, there will always be some grieving to do for the parents you wanted but don't have. The reality is, you can't make your parents proud of you. You can't make them love you. You can't force them to want to be there for you, to choose you, to care whether something is important to you. As a child, you needed and deserved those things, but they weren't there. Now you are an adult. You have a choice to make. You can continue expecting your parents to meet needs they have failed to meet (and in fact, probably can't meet) for you--this will yield the same results it always has. Or, you can look for ways to meet your needs yourself. You can feel proud of yourself, you can learn to love and value yourself for who you are, independently of how other people feel or what you accomplish. You can accept that your parents are who they are, and that has nothing to do with you. This is challenging to do when you've never been taught how to do it, so talking with a therapist can really help. Is that something you've tried before?

One of the first things that I read here really changed my approach, once I was able to let it sink in: the concept of radical acceptance. That means accepting reality as it is, not as we want it to be. There is still a workshop here with some good takeaways, if you'd like to look at it sometime. Radical Acceptance for Family Members

It sounds like it is distressing you that your parents have been noncommittal about attending your Match Day celebrations. Have you told them how important it is to you for them to be there? Would it help you if you offer them a deadline to respond? Whatever your parents choose to do, I hope that you will allow yourself to feel the warmth of the people in your life who love you and want to celebrate you.  Congratulations on almost being done with med school! Fingers crossed you get your 1st choice. =)

Wishing you peace,

PF

[GreenGlit]

Thank you all for your replies... .it has given me a lot to consider.

Turkish - I am SO grateful for my in-laws. I appreciate their immediate commitment to celebrating this important day with me, and I know that if my parents choose not to come, it will overall be a very happy day indeed with my husband in in-laws, and possibly brother-in-law who might make the trip if he can get the time off of school. I just need to get ready for the idea that my parents may back out last minute and bear the disappointment shortly before the big day. This is what happened with my bridal shower - mom said she was coming and I was happy, and the day before she decided she was too busy to make the trip. It hurt and was disappointing, but at least this time I won't be too surprised since this has been a pattern of non-committal behavior.

"Not because, but despite" - how that resonates with me.


Notwendy - I can't thank you enough for your long and thoughtful post. Seriously. My biggest fear is to be 50 years old and look at my life and realize I made this same isolating choices that my mother did. It is amazingly reassuring to see someone who had a similar parental experience, and then grew up and was able to emotionally provide for their children in a way that was not provided for you. I'm happy for you that you accomplished that, and I hope to do the same. It gives me a lot of hope.

You are correct in that I still do not consistently see reality for what it is - that my parents can't do any better than they have been doing. It is a sad reality that I accept a lot of the time, but during big milestones, I tend to regress out of hope and longing. But your words really stick with me... .I grew up to be responsible for my mother's needs, and when she seems unhappy, I feel like it's my fault. But it's not - it's on her. I did the best I could as a daughter, and I need to come to terms that her shortcomings aren't personal even if they seem targeted towards me. It wasn't until I saw a therapist at the suggestion of a med school dean that I came to realize that I needed to see myself as an individual and not as an extension of my mother.

Scapegoat and golden child. My uBPD sister and I fluctuate between these roles because of my mom's black-and-white thinking. Recently I went from golden child to scapegoat, and my sister vice versa. I love my sister immensely, but she has some undiagnosed severe personality disorder, I believe it to be BPD also, and she is emotionally volatile and unstable, and many times immensely cruel to me when she is triggered. I have always respected her wish to stop working and raise her children... .it's an immensely difficult job that requires dedication and self-sacrifice, and I think it's a wonderful thing to do! But you are correct in that my mother cannot just celebrate us as individuals - if we don't fulfill her expectations (i.e. we are self-sufficient professionals who are working), she can't just be happy for us. I think part of my sister's volatility towards me concerns my commitment to working as a doctor even after I have kids. I believe she also wanted to do the same, but her emotional volatility made it difficult to keep a level head at work, and her husband really wanted a wife that stayed at home. My therapist believes she is envious that I have a "big life" with good friends and a husband that doesn't restrict me and a career that is fulfilling to me, while her life is extremely small due to her pushing almost everyone away. I love her from afar and send her and her children cards and gifts on holidays, but that's the best I can do for my own well-being.

Thank you for your insight and honesty. I can see that you have a fulfilling and big life, and make meaningful choices for your own happiness. Again it gives me a lot of hope that I can do the same... .


P.F.Change - Thanks for the Radical Acceptance link, I will read it tonight. My parents know the importance of the day, and I know even if I give them a request for an RSVP, my mom can still back out last minute. So I think I just need to let go of my hopes that they will come and behave and bet happy for me, and like you said look more towards surrounding myself with people who are excited for me. Regardless of whether or not my parents come, I am very excited for that day.

[Notwendy]

Best wishes to you and I hope that you receive the happiest of news at Match Day!


I think it was a great suggestion to see a therapist. Like you, I had the role of caretaker, supporter for my mother. I was also the stronger sibling, the one who seemed the most resilient. If you are going into medicine, you will be the strong supportive one to your patients.

However, having a mother with BPD can affect us, even if we are strong people. For one, it is hard to be the one to ask for support. Also, people don't see you as needing support, but we all do in some way.

You are separate from your mother, and as amazing as it is to become a doctor, you are not defined only by your achievements. Seeking a therapist to help you though emotional times is an act of self care, and act of strength, and act of being human. Don't be afraid to reach out for this help if you ever need it.