Harsh realisation

[Fnaks]

I've just realised that I was just a pawn, just part of her illness. All the love and obsession and intensity wasn't real eh? It's so sad, I thought it was real love and totally got sucked in over the two years (within the first month!).

I've had NC for 2 days and although it's killing me, I KNOW it's for the best. I thought we had found our soul mates. How sad and cruel this illness is  

[Caley]

Hello Fnaks,

This might not make a lot of sense right now ... and I can see you are indulging some self denigrating judgements.

It is my belief that the love, obsession and the intensity of your relationship was REAL. At the time that that was all taking place ... it was real ... to you both ... even though now you might feel as if you've been used, abused and discarded ... and in a strange way you were/are soul mates.

Zero Contact is the holy grail of required action ... now that it has come to an end. However, if this is the first discard, or second or even third ... it is not likely to be the final discard unless you summon up the strength to fully accept the need to have absolutely no contact whatsoever ... anymore.

It is going to hurt like hell but you will get through it. You say you KNOW ... and this is true, you do ... but it is tough to break the cycle once and for always until you begin to see, accept and understand what has happened to you. Having said that, comfort yourself with the knowledge that your partner did love you ... although not the way in which you regard what love to be.

It is harsh ... and it is an awful place to be but you are not alone.

When people adopt the position that their loved one is suffering from an illness ... often it can create a separation from the person and the illness where blame is focussed on the illness and not the person. This may or may not be true ... all that can be said is that this person behaves in a way which can be very damaging to others ... illness or not ... it is who they are ... and they are very difficult people to deal with ... but they are people nonetheless living in a private hell of their own.

You have been given the opportunity to get out of their nightmare and go on to better and more self fulfilling activities and healthier more mutually fulfilling relationships. Languishing in self critical thoughts of failure to fix is going to keep you stuck and possibly drive you back into the relationship to try to make things work ... if you try harder. Unfortunately, if you take this route ... the next round of punishment will be even more painful than this last one and you will be then nurturing feelings of personal shame and embarrassment ... I would urge you, now that you have reached 2 days of no contact ... to add another hour, another day, a week, a month ... keep adding to the disconnection.

They will rebel against your action to leave unless they have other sources to which they can turn (and they more often do ... unbeknownst to you) ... .but, given a little time, they always return. It is your job to stay firm in your understanding that it is best for you to stay away and keep away.

All the very best to you.

[JQ]

Hello Fnaks,

I see with only 3 post your new here ... .so let me be one of the first to say welcome to the group. You won't find anyone judging you here, but only those who like you experienced a relationship with someone who has BPD ... .a Serious Mental / Behavioral Illness.  Know it was NOTHING YOU did or didn't do ... .the 3C's of BPD ... .YOU didn't Cause it! YOU can't Control it! YOU can't Cure it!  Even with a lifetime of therapy and meds there is evidence to suggest at best they will still have a life of chaos and drama.

I'm really sorry that you're here for the reasons you are ... .but turn it into a positive. There are many references at to the right of the page and again at the top of the page to start your learning. I would encourage you to read books on the subject of BPD, "I hate you ... .don't leave me", "Stop Walking on Eggshells", and one that will help you understand a romantic relationship with a BPD is, "The Human Magnet Syndrome".  All of these things are here to help you learn ... .help you understand why things happened the way they did ... .with understanding comes acceptance ... .we need to understand and accept things in order to move on. Know that the things that caused her to be mentally ill happened long before you entered the picture.

It's the start of a New Year! Start your life in a New Direction with a New Positive Outlook on yourself & life!  You have the ability to learn about yourself and how to move forward in a more positive way and find a more meaningful and respectful relationship that you deserve.  on't dwell on the negative or the past ... .the past is the past and nothing you say or do can ever change that. Learn from the past for those who do not learn from the past are condemned to repeat the past. Take that new found knowledge and positive energy and move forward with your life!

We can't walk your journey for you Fnaks ... .but we will always be here to help you when you take a step backwards or fall down ... .we'll be there and hold out a hand to help you up ... .we'll dust you off and straighten you up ... .then it's up to you to choose a different path ... .continue on the path your on ... .or fall back down where you are. When you fall down ... .and we all have from time to time ... .pick yourself back up ... .then lean forward and take the next step ... .even if it's a baby step ... .and continue your journey.

Things WILL get better Fnaks ... .things always get better!

JQ

[Fnaks]

Hi Caley

Thank you for your kind words of comfort

It is my belief that the love, obsession and the intensity of your relationship was REAL. At the time that that was all taking place ... it was real ... to you both ... even though now you might feel as if you've been used, abused and discarded ... and in a strange way you were/are soul mates.

I really hope that was real, it certainly felt real and hurts like it was!

Zero Contact is the holy grail of required action ... now that it has come to an end. However, if this is the first discard, or second or even third ... it is not likely to be the final discard unless you summon up the strength to fully accept the need to have absolutely no contact whatsoever ... anymore.

This is not the first, second, third or fourth regard, this is what feels like the millionth! I have lost count there has been that many. I have been trying to end it since March and we have been on and off since then with her threatening all sorts of awful things that she was going to do to herself and me. She has self harmed a few times in front of me too which are all the things that drag me back. I am going to try harder than ever not to have contact, I am not doing her any good either by being in this cycle [/quote]

... illness or not ... it is who they are ... and they are very difficult people to deal with ... but they are people nonetheless living in a private hell of their own.

That's what I hate about this, I feel like I have abandoned her in her own living hell, I know she was ok before me and she will be ok again, but she never asked for this illness. I'm not weakening but I can totally understand why people stay as long as they do when they feel they are alleviating the 'hell' a little for the ones we love.

I am out of the nightmare for now and I am sure at some point she will try again but I want it to stop, I literally cant take anymore. I will be heading for a breakdown if I don't stop this now.

Thank you for taking the time to respond. This forum has helped me no end, its so good to know that I'm not alone in all of this and that what I am feeling is normal.

Thank you 

[Fnaks]

Hi JQ - thank you for the welcome and for taking time to respond. I try to remember that its nothing I did but when you have heard the words for a good 18months its hard to think differently. It cant be her fault right? God forbid. 

Its funny how you all know what everyone else is going through, you saying her life is full of chaos and drama... .that's exactly what it is. Every time my phone rang I used to think oh god what now. She has a lot of animals that cause both chaos and drama but we were told that having lots of animals is part of mental illness but its certainly not a peaceful life.

I have read and read up on BPD that now I don't know that I want to read any more. Whats the point if I'm not going to be with her anymore? I get why she did the things she did but its not my place to understand it anymore. I'm so saturated in it all. I just want to feel better now and not like I'm drowning all the time and even tho its only been a few days of NC, I already feel a little lighter.

It is the start of a new year and hopefully a new start. I have to man up!

Thank you for your kind words of support, I will be on this forum a lot over the coming months, its such an amazing place with such supportive people. I will try not to get too dusty and crippled with all that's coming but its good to know that I have you all there at the end of a keyboard thank you.

[Knight]

Fnaks, It sounds like you and I are traveling the same road now.  The house feels so much different in the morning now.  Waking up and there's no fear of her next explosion.  Hopefully you can have some peace.  I sure know I need some peace.  If you need any support, let me know.  All the best to you going forward.

[Fnaks]

Fnaks, It sounds like you and I are traveling the same road now.  The house feels so much different in the morning now.  Waking up and there's no fear of her next explosion.  Hopefully you can have some peace.  I sure know I need some peace.  If you need any support, let me know.  All the best to you going forward.

Hi Knight

Thank you. I really hope we can both find some peace. NC is definitely the only way. If you need to talk I am here too. Send me a message if you need to. Talking about it really helps I find.

All the very best to you too. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do but it will be worth it in the end I'm sure.