How long did it take you to completely move on?

[OutofTheWoods]

Hi guys,

For some reason I've been ruminating on the whole sh*t-storm again 

It's been really hard to accept the fact that he was able to drop me so easily and without any empathy after all the time and love that I gave to him. I can't wrap my head around how unfair it feels that I somehow became "the bad guy". There was a brief period when I felt him deciding between myself and his new replacement (pushing and pulling - calling me intentionally by her name and later telling me he'd always regret it if he didn't work things out with me... )

They are married and seemingly having a heck of a time. I only know this because she works where I work now (go figure). I hear my colleagues say (who have no idea about my involvement with him) "oh yeah, so-and-so are traveling to these great places and seeing the world!", "So-and-so got a new puppy for their anniversary", etc.

It's been a few years of me seeing and hearing stuff like that, with the memory of how terribly things ended. I resent the happy life they seem to have after how I was treated, and have this spiteful feeling like if she knows about everything he did to me and still married him then they deserve each other  I'm at the point where I feel almost hopeless about actually moving on. Part of me is resistant because he ripped himself away when I was very invested, and trying to forgive him makes me feel like I'm accepting his ridiculous behavior.

Part of me feels like I am stuck in that time - either when we were together or when he left me. I have made great efforts to focus on myself and I do, on paper, have an amazing life. But my heart still isn't in anything, and I often feel like I am just going through the motions. (Still in the "faking it" part of "fake it til you make it"

Any stories or advice?

[whiteblue]

I know what you mean with an amazing life on paper. Though you might be doing great financially, have plenty of good friends, have a great job that gives you satisfaction... it means nothing if your heart has been broken by someone you gave so much to and who is seemingly now moving on being incredibly happy without ever looking back.

I struggle with the same questions. We shared so much, we cared so much about each other. I am broken, isn't she? How can something that seemed so meaningful to me be something she moved on from so quickly? Did I get all of it wrong? Was all of that love an illusion? Most days I honestly don't know...

I do have one story to share though...

My first girlfriend, who also had BPD, cheated on my with one of my best friends for 6 months before I found out and we broke up. I was devastated for years, while I kept hearing about how great she was doing, how happy she was with X and how she was doing all kinds of amazing things. It made miserable. I was missing her, felt heartbroken and thought I would never get over it. My life was over.

I kept hoping she was miserable as well... not because I wanted to see her suffer, but because then I'd know that what we had was truly meaningful, that it truly meant something. And like every great thing in life, to lose something truly great means to suffer. A connection can only be real if both parties saw the greatness of it I thought.

It took me many years to get over it, and in a way I never truly got over it entirely. About one year ago, for the first time in many years, I spoke to her. We spoke honestly. You know what she told me? She told me she was completely miserable for a long long time after our break-up. She kept up appearances very effectively, and even did so for the new guys she was dating, but inside she felt dead. Hearing that changed everything for me.

Appearances are never what they seem. He might be able to tell himself from time to time that he's doing great and that he is super happy, but the tendencies people like these have will never allow them to be as happy as they'd like others to think they are.

Haven't you ever asked yourself why you keep hearing about all these amazing stories about him and his wife? Probably because he's doing his best to keep up appearances...

[Itstopsnow]

I get really upset too! All the abuse I endured for what? I had no idea about his mental illness and it seemed I was paying the price for it. But you know how things went for you when you were with him. Just remember nothing can truly be stable and normal for someone with BPD . It affects too much of their thinking and actions. Impulsivity is a byproduct as well as the anger and negative thinking. They are always on high alert . Probably never at ease in life. Believe me. They aren't truly happy ever.

[burritoman]

It took me many years to get over it, and in a way I never truly got over it entirely. About one year ago, for the first time in many years, I spoke to her. We spoke honestly. You know what she told me? She told me she was completely miserable for a long long time after our break-up. She kept up appearances very effectively, and even did so for the new guys she was dating, but inside she felt dead. Hearing that changed everything for me.

Great story. I'm curious if this is at all relevant to my situation, because my ex has posted a number of pictures of her and my replacement, but strangely enough she never looks happy. Always some smug mouth or fake smile.

Without knowing all the details of your story, did she explain why she never contacted you after that?

[Rmbrworst]

@whiteblue

Loved that story.

So true about keeping up with appearances . . . honestly the better it looks, sometimes the worse it is. 

Much love.

[OutofTheWoods]

Appearances are never what they seem. He might be able to tell himself from time to time that he's doing great and that he is super happy, but the tendencies people like these have will never allow them to be as happy as they'd like others to think they are.

Thanks for these reminders - it is helpful to imagine that there is remorse behind what I see. It's not that I want him to be unhappy. Honestly, if he would just have the integrity to confront me and say "hey I realize I acted like a total fool and I'm sorry", I would have much more peace to work with. At least I would feel like he actually thought about how he affected me, instead of turning his back completely and skipping away. I feel like I have to create all the understanding that would have been there had it ended amicably. To this day I have no idea what went through his mind, maybe there is guilt and fear deep under all his stories that made me into a bad person, but I may never know.

I get moments of hope where I feel less about the betrayal. When I was at the beach last year, I remember enjoying being in the different environment with my family. I thought of him for a moment and then how it really didn't matter what he did or does. But those moments are few and far between. Usually it's like... .how did we go from having dinner with my family and discussing the future to a week later, hey, I'd like to end our chapter once and for all and oh yeah I'm going to marry that girl I've been working with. 

This relationship is the worst thing I've ever gone through, and it's so hard to think that there will be no reparations or consolations. I just have to deal with it and "move on". I feel like I am a pretty good person and was so understanding - and I am the one who has to grapple with his cruelty and him not batting an eye or looking back ever since... .

[whiteblue]

Great story. I'm curious if this is at all relevant to my situation, because my ex has posted a number of pictures of her and my replacement, but strangely enough she never looks happy. Always some smug mouth or fake smile.

Even if she doesn't look happy, she's probably trying to show how well she's doing. Even if she is miserable, she's probably trying to show that she's not half as miserable as you are, though she really is. People like these might be dying from the inside but are yet somehow still able to move themselves to act out all these elaborate fictions, partly to convince the outside world, partly to convince themselves.

People posting things publicly, like facebook pics or profile pics have one purpose and one alone: to show something to the world or to someone specific. It has no other function.

Without knowing all the details of your story, did she explain why she never contacted you after that?

The way it ended was so explosive that she was never able to face me again. Get this... The months after the break-up I kept hoping things would get back to normal and that we'd be able to reboot what we had, despite knowing deep down that it could never work again after such a breach of trust (the lies we tell ourselves... ).

About three months after the break-up I saw her at a public event and I approached her. We spoke, we laughed and we walked hand-in-hand. She told me she wasn't dating the friend she was cheating with and that though I shouldn't hope, who knows what the future held for us...

The days after I only did one thing: I'm not really that religious at all (more agnostic really), but I prayed continuously that things would work out with her. Four days of praying wore me out and I called my friends and told them I needed them to pass the time because I was about to collapse. We went for a drive and wanted to stop at a parking lot to hang out a bit. There was one car on that entire parking lot except for us... and while driving past it I see a face pop up in the backseat window. It was her. Two seconds later the head of that 'friend' of mine pops up as well.

My friend kicks the brake and the car comes to a screeching halt. "What the F**K! are you seeing what I'm seeing, Is that f*ing X?" I ask. "That's her dude!" my friend calls out. I get out of the car and approach them. They scramble like crazy trying to put their clothes on. The guy tries to climb to the front of the car to the frontseat but clumsily fails while trying to put his pants on.

I go nuts. I try to open the car door which they quickly locked. I start screaming like mad and want to pull him out of the car to give him the beating of a lifetime. He starts crying and begs me to calm down. He then starts the car and tries to run me over and drives away.

Shortly after, I get a visit from the police who accused me of following them and stalking them. It was the best thing that could have ever happened to me... .I prayed for salvation, and though it was in a different form than I really asked for, I got it alright! I was sad as hell for a very long time after that, but  I never tried to get in touch with her again.

From that moment on, she did her best to avoid me at any place we could encounter each other. Nonetheless, she tried her very best to convince everyone around her that she was happy, and for a long time I believed it. I kept asking, how could do she do something like that and just move on happily? Well, turns out that we are more than willing to swallow the lies they are trying to feed us. Don't fall for it. They're unhappy, and you know it as well.

[Aletheia]

Hi

I have not posted here for some time because I have really made a substantial recovery and have been working on my Self.

Reading your post resonated with me because it echoed how I feel occasionally as the 'after-shocks' of my relationship run through me.

People vary in their preparedness to move on and their emotional intelligence; everyone's experience is similar, but their circumstances and make up are unique.

FOR ME, I read this board and read the lessons but the cement that finally held it all together was reading the posts from member '2010'.

I searched for all 2010 posts and I literally read them ALL and copied them into 'notes' on my iPhone.

I then listened to them over time in the car. It was a revelation to me. I bought the Masterton books that were recommended and listened again and again to the words of 2010.

It all just started to make sense and FOR ME, inspired me to look deeper and harder at myself. It also offered the reward of revealing just what BPD is in terms of being, ultimately, a very scripted and predictable disorder.

My fears of, 'Will she be different with the next person?', ':)id I put in all of this effort only for her to give it all to the next guy?', etc, disappeared.

Once I understood the disorder it brought me enough freedom from my shame to be able to repair myself.

I have since read very many articles and books about cluster B disorders and looked at why I was attracted to my ex and I can now see what I lacked in terms of boundaries and good parenting that lead me to blindly seek to repeat what was my model of love.

I have also had the benefit of seeing, from a distance, my ex do nothing but 'circle the drain' and seek the most pathetic relationship choices to avoid her own growth.

The difference is I now know that I am worth so much more than anything she ever had to offer.

I am a smidgeon from total indifference... .There is more work to do. It has taken 15 months to get this far.

I wish you well.

[Suzn]

Hello OutofTheWoods

I'm sorry you are struggling with these feelings about your ex.    We all grieve at a different pace and it sounds like you still are. You mentioned you were numb about this for a long time. It's possible that you are now feeling that pain that you were numb to back then. Don't stop feeling, this will pass in time. Were you able to cry back then? How about now? Crying is cathartic, it helps release that pent up pain. I worked with a therapist to help me through this part because I had the same issues with being numb. Have you considered working with a T with what you've been up against?

For some reason I've been ruminating on the whole sh*t-storm again 

You ran into him recently correct? It isn't unusual for this to trigger old feelings. I also read a few of your other posts and it looks like his wife is "following" (in the Facebook sense) you on social media and you work in the same place. We are all entitled to a certain amount of personal space and it sounds like your space has been encroached upon. It's no surprise that you seem to be feeling confined. We have a right take care of our personal space by putting some boundaries in place so that we have some breathing room.

How are you coping with working at the same place?

[OutofTheWoods]

Thanks Aletheia for your ray of hope I'm wondering, how did you listen to posts from here in the car?

You ran into him recently correct? It isn't unusual for this to trigger old feelings. I also read a few of your other posts and it looks like his wife is "following" (in the Facebook sense) you on social media and you work in the same place. We are all entitled to a certain amount of personal space and it sounds like your space has been encroached upon. It's no surprise that you seem to be feeling confined. We have a right take care of our personal space by putting some boundaries in place so that we have some breathing room.

How are you coping with working at the same place?

Thanks for reading my posts and for your support! As you have read, I've actually had a hard time with their proximity but I am well established in my town and work, so leaving is not an option now. I'm not going to lie and say it hasn't bothered me... .actually I've been feeling very embarrassed with myself about the roller-coaster of emotions I'm going through working with his wife.

She started working there recently and pretended like she didn't remember me. That stung - it was like they had both painted me black after they got together. They were "friends" at work for awhile and my ex and I went to her house and met her mother and went to a party with her. There is no way she didn't remember me. I feel in a way that she betrayed me also and my trust, I feel irritated that she wants to work where I work, and also irritated that she wants to follow me online. I think these feelings are understandable given our background, although some is obviously me projecting my BPDex's behavior onto her... .

The lack of validation of my feelings from both of them is upsetting. One of my friends told me to consider working with her and running into him as opportunities to confront my feelings, but currently none of my feelings are moving in the direction of kindness and understanding. I feel like I haven' t gotten any love or kindness from them and haven't the heart to create any for them

[Aletheia]

Hi OoTW

Over time, I copied 2010's posts and pasted them into notes, on my iPhone.

One can then swipe down from the top of the phone with 2 fingers and the phone will speak the text.

Bluetooth in the car dues the rest.

[MapleBob]

My first time took years, but she was my first love and high school sweetheart and I didn't have any concept of what the adult world was like without her in it. I don't miss her, and leaving her had to happen for me to self-actualize to the point that I have now.

This last one: well, I'm not over her yet, but I will be if she stays away.

I think you don't ever completely "move on", you just integrate that chapter of your story into the book of your life as part of a sequence of events.

[OutofTheWoods]

Thanks Aletheia - didn't know that!

UPDATE weird vindictive message from replacement:

So his wife sent me a message on Facebook today asking me to "stay away" from my ex (who I ran into the other day while running errands). She also felt the need to tell me that she and him will always be strong and that I am in no way better than her... .

What the heck? 

[Suzn]

So his wife sent me a message on Facebook today asking me to "stay away" from my ex (who I ran into the other day while running errands). She also felt the need to tell me that she and him will always be strong and that I am in no way better than her... .

This doesn't sound vindictive OTW, it sounds like something someone who is afraid or insecure would say. Someone who might need to be kept entertained... trips, puppies... .so that her fears and insecurities don't make life difficult.

Did you respond to this message? 

[OutofTheWoods]

This doesn't sound vindictive OTW, it sounds like something someone who is afraid or insecure would say.

Did you respond to this message? 

Huh, I didn't think of that - it sounded angry to me but you're right, perhaps it is some kind of insecurity (about passing someone on the street?)

I did not respond - I have been NC and I consider engaging with her a violation of that  :I

[Suzn]

Someone who feels a need to tell you to "stay away" from a passing on the street is not secure with themselves or their relationship. And because of this it may be good to document this (just save it), just in case there are future encounters since you work together. Good for you for not responding.  

[bus boy]

Hi out of the woods.

I really feel for you. It took me a long time to move on, mind you I have a child with my ex wife. I spent the last 8 years of my precious life trying to get some kind of acknowledgement or some kind of a scrap of genuine kindness, it never came, only heart ache. She made my fears come true and took pleasure in crushing my dreams. I was crushed when I found out she had a boyfriend. Keep working on yourself, you will have your light bulb moment, I assure you of that and when it comes, you will say to your self wow was that ever simple, why did it take so long. I took lots of intense therapy, did lots of reading and a lot of writing. It was hell on earth, so much time spent living in my head, resentments, so much time wasted on thinking what more could I have done. I was a human wasteland, I got very sick as a result and my sickness came out of me in the former of a massive brain tumor. Today I am a different man, a happy man, contented, sleep great, eat great, I'm active again, I am living again. You've probably heard this enough times but you have to learn to let go, when I finely learned to let go, the change was instant. I wish I could tell you how to let go, it just came to me, it was life changing. One thing that did help was to forgive my ex wife. I didn't forgive her for her well being, I did it for mine. With true forgiveness, resement disappeared and when I had no more resement everything started falling into place and than letting go fell into place and everything changed. I'm not saying every day is peaches and cream but I learned to be all with the down moments and not live in them all day. You will see every day gets better. I wish you all the best.

[ladylee]

During the nine years I spent with my BPD, if there was one thing I learned, no matter how miserable we were in the marriage, he always put his happy face on and bragged to everyone about our life. I was always shocked how he could be such a phoney. I hated it because I did not see the point.  In my family of origin, we were real, what u saw was what you got, nobody put on aires, so what he was doing really irked me.  Particularly this bragging egotistical stuff. Until the end when he just couldn't keep up appearances anymore and started raging at me in public. So I only believe half of what I hear and almost none of what I see because these are defense mechanisms of a sick mind. Its sad. I hope he finds help. It does not pay to hate them, Whomever they move onto is a victim and they are a parasite. Of course they are going to be very nice at first, weren't they with us?  But eventually that new person will leave also, BPDs are very difficult to live with, after the catch, they start controlling your life and isolating you from friends and family, then they may engage in their addictions when your presence is not enough to fill their void.  Normal people are not that controlling. I grew up in a family that was not dramatic, sometimes we were boring, but we supported each other, we laughed, we helped each other progress and we did not abuse each other or substances.

[OutofTheWoods]

I didn't forgive her for her well being, I did it for mine. With true forgiveness, resement disappeared

no matter how miserable we were in the marriage, he always put his happy face on and bragged to everyone

Thank you both - yes, he was always bragging about us and himself actually when we were together. "This is the girl I left the military for!" He'd yell to his friends. And to me he would brag about his abilities and about how everyone else he worked with wasn't on his level. 

This weekend I have been feeling better. I am not expecting it to last forever, but I actually felt better a few days after receiving the message from my replacement. They are actually on a trip right now and she sent me that note to "stay away" and that they will "always shine". At first, I felt upset about it. But the fact that I bother her so much even when so separated in distance and time shows me how the disorder is affecting her too, or exacerbating her insecurity.

I stepped back and thought, this is actually really sick and I want no part in it. I felt a mental shift and my interest really dropped with that mental shift.

[Suzn]

I stepped back and thought, this is actually really sick and I want no part in it. I felt a mental shift and my interest really dropped with that mental shift.

I remember feeling this way. It took a couple of years before I was truly emotionally detached where I felt indifferent about my ex of 5 years.

This weekend I have been feeling better. I am not expecting it to last forever

It's natural to have ups and downs in our recovery and emotional detachment (and in life in general). You took a big step when you stepped back from your hurt/upset and redirected those thoughts towards self preservation.

Where do you see yourself in the 5 stages of Detachment? (at the top and over to the right of your screen)----->

[OutofTheWoods]

I think flux between self-inquiry and creative action.

When I really felt that thought: "This is sick behavior" I was able to stand outside of my experience and see it that way, instead of it being colored by my sense of injustice and betrayal and hurt.

Like I mentioned before, I was doing all the right things and everything people told me to do. No contact ever. Focus on myself. I did feel somewhat competitive when she started working with me, and I bet she felt that too. I have started a lot of new projects, some which feel more genuine than others. This weekend I want to stay in this feeling of self-understanding as long as I can, remembering self love.

I hope things continue upward. It's been 3, almost 4 years since our breakup... .Anyone I know would be appalled I wasn't "over this" by now. "Screw him", "Screw them", "You deserve better". Maybe I tried to feel those things in the beginning, but they really just sweep it under the rug and have no match for the scars of BPD... .I don't feel like I've lost those years I've been in limbo... .getting through this is not just a matter of saying "screw that", it's about finding a way to redefine yourself and what you thought love was... .and come to terms with the fact that you gave your best to someone and were lied to and trampled on and hated for it... .

Love and prayers to you all.

[UserName69]

I was in a RS with a exBPDgf for a period of 5 months, we just had too many breakups within a short amount of time. I knew it would never work between the two of us, the last time when we broke up I decided to end it for once and for all. I just had enough of her crap. I'm a religious man so I accepted it quickly however I was very upset and I really hated her. I always told myself that God doesn't want us to be together, the girl who's to going to become my wife will be much better than my exBPD.

Eventually I had met an another girl longtime ago she did support me and a couple months later she became my girlfriend. My current girlfriend is the opposite of my exBPDgf for an example she's very religious while my exBPDgf was religious only during the mirroring phase.