Does She know?

[Davy]

I think She might already be diagnosed with BPD or She at least seems to acknowledge some traits.

Since we have been dating She said things like:

I am very sencitive

I do not handlle stress wel

I don't like to fight

I need a lot of attention

I need someone possitive in my life

At that time i did not think further on it

Now I wonder was She trying to guide me?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[valet]

Hey Davy, I think that its commendable to wonder whether or not your pwBPD is self-aware of her behaviors. This is an important thing to consider in a relationship.

If she says those things, then she probably be believes that they are true. Unfortunately, this will never translate into a diagnosis, unless she seeks therapy. And then, revealing that information is a private matter for her to decide upon when she feels she is ready.

We can learn a lot about our partners from what they say about themselves. If she is telling you these things, you can try to communicate your boundaries in the relationship around her behaviors when she is calm. For instance, if she doesn't handle stress well, you might want to ask how to help comfort her. But make sure that the solution is something that works for both of you.

What do you think?

[livednlearned]

Hi Davy,

valet has good advice.

If she is telling you these things, you can try to communicate your boundaries in the relationship around her behaviors when she is calm. For instance, if she doesn't handle stress well, you might want to ask how to help comfort her. But make sure that the solution is something that works for both of you.

What is your current relationship like at the moment? Are you two seeing each other regularly?

[Davy]

For my current situation see https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=288412.msg12715524#msg12715524

[Muradin]

I think She might already be diagnosed with BPD or She at least seems to acknowledge some traits.

Since we have been dating She said things like:

I am very sencitive

I do not handlle stress wel

I don't like to fight

I need a lot of attention

I need someone possitive in my life

At that time i did not think further on it

Now I wonder was She trying to guide me?

Davy,

When I was dating my wife (now separated), she would tell me things like this. Of course if you break down most of these statements, they really aren't that absurd for a normal person to say. I am also sensitive. I find that I am also nice when I receive attention. Of course I do not handle stress well, who does? And I always seem to get a long better with positive people rather than negative people. I'm not discounting what she's saying, but it's easy to take those things as having the same meaning as a normal person.

For example, while dating, she would tell me how she doesn't like it when people lie to her. At first my reaction was, "That sounds very normal, I don't like that either." But what I didn't understand was that she meant that when she is lied to, it will trigger her into becoming manic/depressed and angry and that comes mostly from the splitting (or so I have determined from my experience with her). That is, one time I lied to her and since then she has interpreted everything I do and say as if I am lying. My sister contacted her and tried to talk to her about our marriage issues (not the wisest thing for my sister to do etc... .) and my wife came to me claiming that I was telling my sister and my entire family lies about her.

One of the behavior traits that I've come to recognize is that most of these "triggers" are inserted into the relationship by her as ways to keep distance when she is afraid and at the same time to not have to feel guilty when "overreacting" to small issues. For example, my wife would get stressed frequently and sometimes she would have outbursts of anger directed towards me while she was stressed. She would justify her actions by reminding me: "You know I don't handle stress well" implying that I caused the stress and thus deserving of her anger.

Keep in mind that these are my own experiences and yours may differ significantly. That being said, I do believe these "I am this way... ." statements are a cry for help from the BP. I think it's so vague because we have a certain expectation for normalcy from people and this is not a normal way to seek help. A normal way would be to say "I struggle with anger when I am stressed." or "I crave attention so much that it is often unhealthy." These types of "normal" statements imply that their struggle is wrong and their intention in telling you is to help you cope and maybe even help you to help them.

It is tempting to assume this is what the BP is saying. However, reading in between the lines may help you understand where the BP is coming from, but ultimately the statement of such triggers is not out of a desire for change, proper coping mechanisms, or an admission of guilt. Rather, I think many of these phrases are an attempt by the BP to create an identity for themselves. So where we see reacting negatively to stress a bad thing (though both normal and BP may struggle in this way), the BP may see it as a good thing since they believe it is ALL (or the ONLY thing) they CAN (or are ABLE to) do. Again, just my opinion based on my own experience.

[ArleighBurke]

I agree. There's also a lot of people who say they see "BPD" flags in everyone they meet. BPD people are highly emotionally driven, but that's not all to BPD. I think many people are emotionally driven, but don't have BPD and its these flags that people mis-read.

For me, the difference is what they do with the emotion. BPD symptoms are: Uncontrollable rages, blaming others for their emotion and inability to analyse or put their emotion into context.

[Davy]

I'm hoping that the fact that she realizes these traits might mean she is ready to accept help?

Just not sure how to approach this.

Any advice?

[livednlearned]

I'm hoping that the fact that she realizes these traits might mean she is ready to accept help?

Just not sure how to approach this.

Any advice?

It's much easier to tell someone what we're like (I prefer this, I don't like that, I am better with this, etc.) than it is to tell them about a mental health diagnosis that is extremely stigmatized (if she's even diagnosed... .).

What do you mean by trying to guide you? It sounds like she was being very direct about what she is like, what she needs.

[Euler2718]

I'm hoping that the fact that she realizes these traits might mean she is ready to accept help?

Just not sure how to approach this.

Any advice?

What she told me: "

1. I don't deal with conflict well

2. I am mean to people close to me (you'll see)

3. I have trouble with committment

... .probably some others. Ready to accept help? That's different -- that would require her to do something. Mine didn't seem to take any real action. I suggested counseling for us as a couple but she just blew it off. Once, she said she would hug me at the start and end of every time we were together. Sometimes she said she needed to communicate with me better.

Those are nice things... .but really small things. I ended up combing my hair different, wearing shirts with collars, shaving, going to her church every sunday, listening to her radio stations, watching her movies, looking at the ground if a girl in shorts walked by, and... .I forget what else, the list goes on.

They don't want to really do anything that involves effort or change. Well, I can only speak to my experience (above).