Could I get some clarity on the term splitting?

[Joycie]

 I am new and have written a couple of things on the new person's board and read quite a lot. I am wondering if I could get clarity with the term splitting. For years when I have been trying to defend, justify or simply explain some issue with my husband, he has always managed to over talk, confuse me and change the interaction to the point I feel another person has presented and he is having a different dialogue in his head. I will be accused of saying something I have not said or he has said himself minutes before. I am left trying to put pieces of the interaction together but ultimately sit in a state of confusion and exhaustion. The more I can understands this disorder the better equipped I'll become at detaching and finding healthier boundaries. My children have been affected by the impact of this dysfunctional living. Thank you.

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[valet]

Hey Joycie, and welcome to the boards!  

Splitting is a psychological defense mechanism produced by those with fractured and inconsistent self-identities. At the core, when a person splits, they are trying their hardest to say 'No, not me!', even though the actions of the person that triggered the episode fail were only a manifestation of who they are. This can come at the cost of damaged relationships with others, but is seen as necessary.

For instance, when we are angry at someone we tend to not want to talk with them. This is our way of psychic defense. Typically, people manage to get a grasp on the big picture and see both sides of an issue, but with someone with these personality traits the story is different. It may take much longer to process the emotions behind the interaction that caused the event—sometimes, it may never happen.

I'm sorry that you and your children are being affected so much. Can you tell us more about your relationship, and when you have thought your husband has exhibited these behaviors?

[Joycie]

Thank you Valet for your clear explain action. My husband has been exhibiting may behavioural aspects of BPD for most of the 30 years I have known him. These behaviours have worsened in time. The manifesting behaviours over the years have been heightened by stress, which in turn triggers self delusion and lying to the extent that he lies to cover the lie! Making promises to family and other people that are unrealistic but sound good and then denying it. When approached(I Say approached now as after may years I realised I can never challenge him)about an issue that has happened he can become so enraged that he is almost child like. During those times he will start listing all the things I have neglected to do in terms of having insight into his thinking and not being sensitive to who he is. He also abuses medications above what is prescribed for him and can flip into what appears to be a type of psychosis. This is when I feel he has become the other. There is absolutely no ability to reason with him and the onslaught of word games and over talking me and saying things that have not happened or been said occurs. I have spoken to several doctors about this but it is very difficult to get input. My husband has a doctor who is treating him for his ADHD, anxiety and depression and I have written to him many times over the past several years describing the outbursts and behavioursand asking if I could attend a consultation to give input... .not to intrude as I am respectful of a patients privacy... .but this has yet to happen. In the past several years he has had four significant car accidents, two cars being totally written off!

My husband can be OK one minute and leave the room and come back with a completely different mood and mind set. He also has many health issues which partly I think are due to self harm but thta is my thinking and I could be wrong.  Has had episodes of behavioural change that he has no memory of days later. But we are left exhausted. The onslaught of lists of resentments and wrong doings are really only directed at me, although my children are witness to me trying to stop it. He struggles with boundaries and feels intitalment of who he is,which has often impacted his work which then has a domino affect on family. There are times of delusional thinking and grandiosity in which he feel he is the superior thinker. He says he is an empath who knows what others are feeling at any given time.

I do walk on eggshells but I am prepared to keep going as he is also an incredibly gifted person artistically and in profession. Although time management is nonexistent... .I worked with him for several years!Again thank you for your help.

[Turkish]

We also have a discussion on it here which may help:

BPD BEHAVIORS: Splitting

[Thread]

My h Bpd would do the same and this was before i found out about borderline. I thought I was going crazy. I'm so sorry you are going through this! This site is incredibly helpful! 

[Joycie]

My h Bpd would do the same and this was before i found out about borderline. I thought I was going crazy. I'm so sorry you are going through this! This site is incredibly helpful! 

Thanks Hanging. There have been too many times where I thought I crazy. Often being told  to by my SO I was crazy or hysterical or needed help! And what I was trying to do was justify, respond or correct what was in front of me. From beginning to end of an outburst I would lose track of what was being said. I'm realising now it was due to being bombarded with clever words and twist and turns of the labyrinth of conversation. My breaking down I was proving my SO point!.

Even taking a calm and mature approach has been met with being told I am being manipulative and controlling! I am so grateful to have found this site. Thank you for your kind response   

[Joycie]

We also have a discussion on it here which may help:

BPD BEHAVIORS: Splitting

Thank you for this Turkish I have gone to the link and read all that was available. It has been very helpful.

Many thanks for responding

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Joycie, The behaviors you describe are quite familiar to me.  You are not alone, believe me.  I agree that the symptoms can get significantly worse over time.  I also agree that when a pwBPD becomes triggered and unregulated, it is like a switch flips into a form of psychosis during which it is impossible to reason with the person.  The only thing that helps, in my experience, is time, because the episodes are transient and seem to wear off in less than 24 hours.  In the meantime, it's scary to be around the pwBPD when he/she is in this altered state.  It's terrifying, really.  Often the pwBPD has little or no memory of what happened. You could say that it is like a "fugue state."  Agree, detachment and boundaries can help a lot.  It is exhausting, though.  Try to take good care of yourself.

LuckyJim

[MapleBob]

I've come to my own layman's conclusions about splitting, at least in terms of my experience with it in my ex. I've sort of self-defined splitting as "an inability to say AND". As in, "you hurt me sometimes AND you're also really great to me", or "I'm justifiably mad at you AND I overreacted in the moment". It's an all-or-nothing distorting behavior, an inability to calmly reason out opposing feelings.