Fox Mulder
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 53
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« on: January 06, 2016, 07:04:36 AM » |
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I'm 14 months out of a 4 year relationship with a young BPD lady I loved her so much. At the end, she cheated and then left me when I found out. For about a month, I was numb and actually not that sad. Then it hit me, and I spent the better part of six months unable to function normally. By the summer, I was feeling a little better. By fall, I was able to go for maybe an hour at a time without thinking of her if I was engaged enough with what I was doing at the moment. This winter, with all the holidays and the anniversary of our breakup and her birthday, she's been back on my mind.
Looking at your ex's social media is BAD. Don't ever do it. Immediately after the breakup, my ex posted tons of lovey-dovey poetry about her new boyfriend, and she knew I was looking. This escalated to the point where she was posting pictures of them on her blog having sex. I dunno if this was aimed at causing me stress, but regardless, it worked. Within a couple months, I was done looking on a regular basis. It hurt too much.
Over the past year, I've come to realize how important it is to avoid keeping tabs on your ex, especially off you were discarded and replaced by someone whom she now idealizes. I've still failed at following my own advice on three separate occasions, however. The most recent was tonight. After we broke up, she dyed her black hair blue, lost a ton of weight, and moved in with the replacement to New York City while I've remained stuck in my hometown. She got a new blog but I was able to find it - please DON'T do this, this is borderline stalking (no pun intended) - and so I don't think she's tailoring it's content to hurt me anymore.
In the past year, she's mostly stopped posting sexual stuff. At first her blog was full of pictures of them together mid and post sex, but in the past year she's only posted a few text entries about sex experiences she's had with him. She alternates between talking about how happy she is - how being with me had her feeling trapped, while her new boyfriend has given her the world and made her feel truly free - and posting about how she wants to kill herself. I don't know which ones to believe. She makes such grand blanket statements that don't jive together. She has been happy and free and finally content all 2015, but then she posts that she wants to commit suicide every day and is convinced people hate her.
She finally went to a therapist in NYC after not having been to one since moving there. The therapist diagnosed her with depression and said nothing about her BPD. The posts she made about this were the first ones I had seen post-discard that made me feel the smallest spark of sympathy for her. In all caps, with terrible spelling, she raged about how she didn't have a personality and how her therapist was wrong and she DID have BPD and that BPD was her only personality and the therapist was taking the only thing she had resembling a personality away from her. A part of me worries this is because maybe the initial BPD diagnosis was a mistake, but seeing her reaction - if she doesn't have BPD, she certainly has something.
I came away from reading her blog with a weird mix of emotions. I still miss her. The worst parts of reading her blog are seeing pictures of her and hearing about her sexual adventures with her new boyfriend. I wish this wasn't the case, but I do miss the physical parts of the relationship. I have never been with someone so beautiful and I don't think I ever will be again. The sex was wonderful. She was into everything I was into - mirroring, in other words. I've begun to think about our time together and I'm starting to feel like she had turned herself into a sex object for me. The way she sent me pictures and videos all the time, the way she was up for sex 24/7, the way she asked me if I didn't love her anymore if we went more than a single day without having sex. It felt good and she was gorgeous but something about it is beginning to really bother me.
I think her incredibly sex-focused nature has resulted in something like sex addiction in me. It never used to be this important to me. Before I met her, it was one of maybe ten different things I wanted out of life. Now, even though I haven't had any since we broke up, I think about it all the time and I feel like a loser for not having had any in 14 months and I feel jealous of the replacement because he has access to it all day every day. Sex has become so important to me but I have no access to it, so I feel bitter and sad about sex all the time. Even looking at porn brings up weird feelings - it gets the job done but it makes me feel strange and glum.
I've rambled long enough already. I just needed to talk about this weird mix of feelings I'm having right now. I miss the sex and holding her hand, but at the same time, I'm having weird new feelings of sympathy for her and I'm not inconsolable about having lost her like I used to be. I literally used to curl up in bed in absolute tears and cry out I loved you so much, why'd you have to go, baby, angel, sweet girl of mine. And just cry for hours. Oftentimes just randomly but definitely whenever I saw her with this new guy. And now - well, I was shivering nervously a little bit as I read her blog, but now I just feel... .normal? Pensieve. Who knows, maybe tomorrow or next week, I'll get slammed by a delayed reaction and feel absolutely horrible.
Regardless of any potential elucidation I may have gained from this, I still strongly recommend to go fully NO CONTACT. It will speed up your healing. I know that the previous times I looked at her blog, it made me feel awful and slowed my healing. At some point in the process, you will reach a point where you'll have come to peace with things, in case you accidentally come across them again - but don't test yourself on purpose. It can backfire.
Thanks! Sorry for the long post. I just have a lot of feelings right now.
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