can anyone help?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I had a huge fight with my uBPDh yesterday.  he is currently at work.  we just got off the phone.  I was submissive and validating.  does anyone know if there is a hotline I can call to talk to someone?  I am a total wreck.  I am scared to stay and scared to leave.  I need to make a decision before he gets off work in 4 1/2 hours.  I don't know if I can deal with anymore mental/verbal abuse.  I am the devil and an evil person out to destroy him.  I can't love him enough.  I am so manipulated that I feel I can't make any rational decisions right now. 

[lotus74]

I had a huge fight with my uBPDh yesterday.  he is currently at work.  we just got off the phone.  I was submissive and validating.  does anyone know if there is a hotline I can call to talk to someone?  I am a total wreck.  I am scared to stay and scared to leave.  I need to make a decision before he gets off work in 4 1/2 hours.  I don't know if I can deal with anymore mental/verbal abuse.  I am the devil and an evil person out to destroy him.  I can't love him enough.  I am so manipulated that I feel I can't make any rational decisions right now. 

[babyducks]

Hi lotus74,

we can help.   I am a little concerned about the time frame of 4 and 1/2 hours.   Is there something pushing you to make a decision that soon?  Are you afraid to be in the house when he comes home from work?

'ducks

[sweetheart]

Hi lotus

Sounds really rough for you right now.  

I live in the UK, but we have Crisis numbers that are available through either our family doctor or community mental health team. Your local community health facility where you are will be able to signpost you best. Phone them.

Do you have family or friends who live nearby for support if you are feeling that you don't want to be around your h at the moment. Is there somewhere else you can stay for awhile?

I can relate to feeling overwhelmed and unable to cope with always being blamed, criticised and on the end of constant verbal abuse. That's what brought me to this forum. It's a very hard place to be. It hurts and can leave you feeling confused, scared and in a place you can't see your way out from.

This forum, the support available here, the shared experience from other members can really help. It can help you find your way through what you are experiencing with your h. So stay with us, keep posting letting us know how you are and what support you can access ok ?

[lotus74]

he has put his hands on me once before.  he seems calm right now, but I know how it goes when he comes home... .pushing me to grovel and tell him all the ways that I have wronged him and what a terrible person I am.  nothing is right in any conversation.  I can't validate enough, I can't empathize enough, I can't be calm and rational enough... .then i'm just being robotic.  right now he is texting me from work saying "i love you a-hole".  he wants me to tell him why he's with me... .what makes me good for him.  I fear the conversation and that I will not be able to say the right things.  I fear escalating things again, but I fear leaving will escalate things too... .i'm in a double bind.  he just texted me "i want to be happy please get your sh#t together".  I fear what he might do if I left.  we just bought a house in august and I am sole carrier on the mortgage.  he has threatened to burn the house down and I would be left with a mortgage and no house.  I just don't know what to do.

[lotus74]

thanks sweetheart

I actually chatted online with a crisis hotline a little while ago.  all they could say was stay safe and they validated that my feelings mattered. 

[lotus74]

he has successfully isolated me from any friends/family.  I have no one.  I would have to leave and stay in a hotel

[babyducks]

Lotus it's a very good thing that you are reaching out for help.   It's a brave thing to do.   Safety is, of course the number one priority.   Having a safety plan is like having insurance.  I had one for when things were very difficult in my relationship.   It was easier to know exactly where phone numbers and credit cards and spare keys were, (hidden in the trunk of my car) and never have to use them, then to try and figure it out in a moment of panic.

I am going to include a link for you to look at when you are ready.  Go ahead and scroll through it for the parts that relate to what you need.

Safety First


It's understandable that you feel overwhelmed and confused.   We will get you a phone number to call shortly.

'ducks

[sweetheart]

Hi lotus,

Your safety is the priority here, how you feel and how you are treated.

So doing what you need to help you feel safe both physically and emotionally is the right thing to do. Staying in a hotel sounds like a good solid idea.

Is it just you at home or are there children ?

What is the possibility of going to hotel, could you plan for this?

Do you have a car, money, some clothes to hand just in case?

Do you have your own mobile phone ? If necessary you can call the police, Calling the police if you are scared will also help you access crisis support.

[lotus74]

Thanks ducks.   I appreciate it

[lotus74]

I have a car, phone,and money.  I am just fearful of what he might do if he comes home and I'm not here.  I will pack an emergency bag and put it in the car.  I'm just so confused and want to do the right thing. My daughter is with her dad for the next few days so I know that she is safe.    My gut says leave, I'm just so manipulated and can't think clearly.  I'm so confused.  I don't want to make things worse.  I ha e threatened to leave before and it made things worse.

[babyducks]

It is very hard to think clearly when events have you feeling fearful.  None of us can do that.   Go ahead and call the number I sent you.   It is helpful to talk to a live person, even anonymously.   We will be here for you.

[Turkish]

I have a car, phone,and money.  I am just fearful of what he might do if he comes home and I'm not here.  I will pack an emergency bag and put it in the car.  I'm just so confused and want to do the right thing. My daughter is with her dad for the next few days so I know that she is safe.    My gut says leave, I'm just so manipulated and can't think clearly.  I'm so confused.  I don't want to make things worse.  I ha e threatened to leave before and it made things worse.

Hi lotus74,

Packing a "go-bag" is a good thing. The most dangerous time can be after a victim of domestic violence leaves when they come back. Calling a local DV hotline and talking to someone on the phone can help, and the call can be anonymous. They can give you options and resources.

There are things that you can do which can indeed make things worse: for you.

Please understand that his threats of violence (and the abusive texting) are not your fault. He's dysregulating, but he is responsible for his actions.

Some simple questions are hard to answer.  I was thinking yesterday that I'm not sure I know what domestic violence is.  It's come up recently from a few members and I thought it might be helpful to talk about what it is and what it isn't in a general sense... .and what to do.

This was published on one public service site:

MYTH: Domestic violence is a "loss of control."

FACT: Violent behavior is a choice. Perpetrators use it to control their victims. Domestic violence is about batterers using their control, not losing their control.  Their actions are very deliberate.

    

MYTH: The victim is responsible for the violence because she provokes it.

FACT: No one asks to be abused. And no one deserves to be abused regardless of what they say or do.

From: TOOLS: Domestic Violence Against Women

[sweetheart]

Lotus I understand your fear and the worry of making things worse.

Like babyducks says Safety First, you have the link, a number and a car, phone and money.

Spend some more time talking to someone on the crisis number before your h returns home if you can. Tell them how worried you are. They can help you focus and prioritise in the short-term, particularly as you are finding it difficult to make decisions.

Try not to put yourself in a situation where you are threatening to leave. Keep this to yourself. Your safety is the priority here. Remember if you need to stay somewhere else, it is not necessarily about leaving forever, not unless that is what you decide.

Taking time away if you need to, is about stepping out of an escalating situation in order to protect you.

It's good your daughter is with her dad.

Let us know what is happening ok, we are here 24/7