Saradane
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 43
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« on: January 13, 2016, 01:28:11 PM » |
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Hi All ,
I am making this post so that others may learn from my mistakes, and not go through the same agony and torture that I went through last night. Both this forum and website has helped me in so many ways, I want to give back. I hope my story can be analyzed and discussed it detail, highlighting where I went wrong and how I SHOULD have approached them so that other may follow suit. Every BPD relationship is different, but a lot can be learned from other's experiences. I sincerely hope you all find this extremely helpful.
A brief backstory: I'm in college and have fallen in love with my BPDgf. It has been an emotional roller coaster, and we have often broken up and somehow always ended back up together. The longest we have been without contact and stayed apart was three days. Recently I became absolutely fed up with her constant selfish actions, and her inability to reciprocate the same love that I was providing . I called her telling her that she was going to lose me, and she turned everything around for the better. It was fine, and everything was great... .until two days ago.
The Breakup: It came out of nowhere, and I was blindsided. She has been going through a lot of other problems in her life. Losing some of her scholarships, not having many other close friends, self image problems, money problems, and she admitted to starting to feel depressed. I have always been there to support her, and I have never left her in any time of need (I have the rescuer mentality), and I have done so many things, made so many sacrifices, and put up with a lot of abuse to help her. But she started to project a lot of her problems onto me. We were at a dinner and within an hour she told me how I was helping her and how thankful she was, then how she wanted to take a break because she just wanted to be alone and away from everyone, and finally how she couldn't be in a relationship. I never yelled or argued, but tried to validate her concerns and told her that I didn't think breaking up was going to help. She didn't listen... .
The next day (yesterday) we still had made reservations for dinner, and I had planned long ago to give her two long overdue Christmas gifts. I called mid-morning to confirm if she still wanted to go and to see how her doctor's appointment went. She was very rude and short, and we somehow got onto the topic of our breakup. Needless to say, it didn't end well and she became even more irate. I found it best to hang up and just want for dinner. Now this is where it gets interesting... .After work, she called asking to cancel dinner looking for an argument (I could tell be her tone). When I didn't retaliate and just said, "ok, no problem. I'll send you my availability for the rest of the week" she immediately changed the tone of her voice and said she could go and then hung up. She literally calls back 18 minutes later with a very chipper voice asking about my day and telling me about hers and we started joking about dinner and how she was excited. She called back again before dinner in the same up-beat chipper mood talking about school and how and something silly that happened with her friends. We hung up, and I picked her up for dinner.
Mid-Story Analysis: My BPDgf looks to fight, especially when something is going wrong in her life. I have learned that if you DON'T ENGAGE, you have the control over the situation. This is evident by the fact that she called for a fight, changed her mind when I didn't engage, and then called back to pull me back in. This is a repeated pattern and always has been in our relationship. Where I believe I went wrong is joking with her on the phone and actually having the two good conversations. I realized that this gave her the control back because she wasn't worried about me losing interest anymore. Why would she be? She just talked to me and realized that I was still eager to see her! What I SHOULD have done was be polite, and get off the phone as quickly as possible.
End of Story: I picked her up and gave her the gifts. She loved them and started crying because she was sad that we were breaking up, and I told her that it was going to be ok. We had a great time at dinner, talking a little about the breakup, but nothing serious. We finished and she wanted to go back to my place to have sex. We first went to the store because she wanted to show me a few things in there, and started acting like my girlfriend again. Holding me while walking around, laughing and making jokes, etc. We finally ended up at my house and had sex. After that she wanted to cuddle and I said ok. She woke me up in the middle of the night with a kiss crying and asking me if I still loved her. I told her that I do and always will. At this point I was fully awake and we began talking about the relationship and breakup. I felt so intimate with her and I was sad to think that this wouldn't happen anymore. I love her and she was acting like my girlfriend again. I started talking about getting back together and getting frustrated because she wasn't making any sense. I dropped her off and haven't spoken to her since... .
Final Analysis: I ended the night making so many mistakes. Should I have taken her home last night? Probably not, and I defiantly should not have allowed any sort of boyfriend/girlfriend types of behavior (cuddling and etc.). I became frustrated and upset that she wouldn't get back which is a HUGE mistake. If you want to get your loved one back, begging for them back or arguing with them surely won't do it. I should not ignored the things she said, and kept it calm. I know that any sort of contact with her right now is a baaaad idea. I will give her some space and time, and I know that she will miss me as I will miss her. I must focus on myself and reevaluate what to do when she comes back around. I will keep all of you posted with any updates.
Please feel free to chime in with any further questions, or with any tips and advice on how I should handle this situation going forward. Dealing with our BPD loved ones is a challenge that many of us are willing to accept. I am still new to this and I by no means think that I am an expert. I am going back and reading the LESSONS on this site to refresh myself on some of the principals to make a successful BPD relationship. I hope that this thread will help many of you.
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