being anxious and feeling abused in new relationship

[Susan Sunday]

Hello to everyone!

I haven't been around here in almost 6 month, because I needed a break from dealing to much with my exbf's behavior and my struggle to detach.

To be honest and to have everyone on the same page, I guess I am still not fully over him (we live on the same street and just had a friendly encounter in the last week - for the first time after almost 1 year that he was running away from me when ever he saw me).

It took me a very long time to be able to even look at someone else, but I have finally done the step. I really wanted to take things slow and easy, but the person I got involved with gives me the exact opposite feeling. I know, that a lot of us struggle from over reading the signs in our new relationships to the point that we see BPD everywhere. So a part of me told me that I have to learn to trust again and that I am oversensitive to criticism and that I have adapted some of my ex's perspectives on relationships and that is how I have kept myself in the new one. Now, after 4 or 5 month and after a terrible fight we had in morning I am more and more sure that I ended up in yet another abusive relationship.

I am feeling ashamed of it and guilty in the same time. I am looking around and am seeing my friends and family hoping so badly for me to be in a happy relationship, but I am suffering again.

Our fights make me feel like I am loosing grip completely, I feel lonely and misunderstood, I get anxious and depressed and we are fighting a lot - he escalates very quickly and makes me feel responsible for all of it, but in fact its him who is putting me constantly down. He is demeaning my opinions, life decisions and needs. He tells me that I am a spoiled princess, that he wants to help me (implying I need help) and to educate me (cause I obviously need it) and that he sees "potential" in me to be the right one for him, after he has educated me. he constantly belittles my dreams and accomplishments and points out my mistakes all the time, not so what I am doing for him  (he hardly notices). He crosses boundaries and when I am asking him to be more respectful than he ignores it or calls me over sensitive. He is emotionally distant or unavailable most of the time and shows no empathy for my struggles. When I have asked him to show some empathy for my side in our fight this morning, he asked me to explain to him the term empathy. It feels as if he can't value me as an individual person, everything I do does necessarily have an effect on him. He constantly wants me to proof my love to him, but doesn't show any affection to me - last night he told me that he is paying such a high price for our relationship and that he can only do it if he is 100 percent sure I loved him. This was only one of many attempts to put me under extreme pressure. When I ever confront him with this, he makes it seems like not a big deal.

I am super scared of myself don't know what exactly to do next. I don't want my friends to look at me like I am the crazy person. I have already broken up with him once, a couple of weeks ago, and he talked me back into it. Now, after a 2 hour fight in the morning (I got late to work and am not being able to focus at all) he calls me to ask me if I wanted to have dinner with his parents tonight. I have never met them, because he claims that they wouldn't approve of me because I am a couple of years older than him and because I am not living a religious life (they are very strictly religious). I already told him, that I understand the hesitations and that I don't need to meet them until we know each other better, but sometimes I feel as if he was using their argumentations against me. In the morning he gave me a full devaluating lecture about how I have never experienced hate and pain and exclusion in my life, that I am this lucky princess that everyone loves her, but he knows how life really is and that I seem to him like a soldier that got to the front line for the first time, because I was shocked about his parents reaction on me.

Again, I am really not sure if I am over reacting and am so confused and paralyzed and even sorry for dropping this on all of you that are reading it - but I need some advice and clarity and conversation.

Thank you   

Susan

[guy4caligirl]

Susan I feel with you ...

You seem like you're talking about your ex here, are you or is it the new guy just wondering ?

[Susan Sunday]

Hi guy4caligirl,

Thank you for the response and empathy, it really means a lot.

I am not sure if I  got your question right, but it is neither the ex nor myself I am talking about here... .could you specify what your thoughts were?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Susan Sunday, Can you honestly say that you love yourself?  Can you accept yourself just the way you are?  If not, maybe you have some work to do, my friend.  In my view, it all starts with caring enough about oneself that you refuse to tolerate abuse.  It's that simple, but it takes work to get to that place.  Does this make sense to you?

LuckyJim

[Caley]

Hello Susan,

If you feel like you're being mistreated ... there is every likely hood that you are.

When people say trust yourself ... it can often be very confusing trying to work out the meaning of what that actually means ... especially if you have been conditioned to question your instincts and intuition. So, I hope it helps to clarify.

Susan ... if you feel, in the pit of your stomach, that you don't feel emotionally safe with this person ... trust that feeling. You are feeling it for a reason and it would serve you well to just trust it. No amount of his minimisation of how you feel or name calling is going to get rid of that feeling.

If you think you should believe what he is saying and give him further chances to change your perception of the reality of your situation you're not listening to your gut feelings ... which, to me, are saying get rid ... this is not good for me.

He could be a nice chap ... but from what you've written about your experience with him I would say he has issues of his own. Instead of meeting your concerns alongside you, which he should be doing, he is dismissing your concerns and anxiety which is not helping you to feel secure.

It often helps to sit, breathe, relax your body and emotional state until you feel calmer. When you've calmed yourself you can then begin to address your questions about this relationship in a balanced way ... using both your reasoning skills and your emotions (the are very useful you know ... when you let them guide you).

Bless you lady ... hold onto your love ... and qualify this man as to whether he deserves your love. Love is free but at the same time it is also priceless ... be careful who you give it to.