Going to trial

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

This is all so unreal. My attorney did a deposition last week on my BPDh. The entire time we were in the deposition, BPDh twisted all facts and refused to answer the questions my attorney was asking. When I say refused to answer, I mean that he answered with a question and then pretended to not remember simple facts of our marriage including the day we were married! So now we are headed to trial. I sat there listening to my BPDh and watching his body language which was agressive and demeaning. He closed his eyes each time he answered a question. And since I had so much evidence that difussed his accusations, it was somewhat comical. I realized that since having 4 months of NC with exception to court dates with my attorney present, that the way he treated my attorney was how he had always treated me. I am looking forward to this being over. My question is what should I expect in court? If anyone has any experience to share, I would appreciate it! Thank you

[mm1024]

This is all so unreal. My attorney did a deposition last week on my BPDh. The entire time we were in the deposition, BPDh twisted all facts and refused to answer the questions my attorney was asking. When I say refused to answer, I mean that he answered with a question and then pretended to not remember simple facts of our marriage including the day we were married! So now we are headed to trial. I sat there listening to my BPDh and watching his body language which was agressive and demeaning. He closed his eyes each time he answered a question. And since I had so much evidence that difussed his accusations, it was somewhat comical. I realized that since having 4 months of NC with exception to court dates with my attorney present, that the way he treated my attorney was how he had always treated me. I am looking forward to this being over. My question is what should I expect in court? If anyone has any experience to share, I would appreciate it! Thank you

[Blistex]

More of the same. 

We had a court date too and boy the crazy keeps on going. 

Continuances?  Yep, she couldn't keep the date 7 times before we finally went in front of a judge.  Costly on my end for sure.

Last minute legal stuff filed by her lawyer in between the 7 times that wasn't even apart of her original request?  Yep, non stop. Costly again on my end.

Non responsive answers?  My lawyer only asked yes or no questions so when the answer came back with nonsense, he would state: That's non responsive.  It's a yes or a no question.

Inability to remember simple events?  My lawyer would have her read her own documents out loud in court to "jog her memory."

Sudden inability to read her own written words?  Yep, that happened too.  Literally said "I can't read that."  However, she lost a lot of credibility as everyone could read the document themselves.

Gaslighting?  She sure did.  Just kept changing the facts while in court in front of the judge when holes started appearing in her story.

Luckily, the judge saw through her and I won.

If you can say I won.  She is still crazy and the adult kids have picked up a tremendous amount of fleas and bad behaviors from their mother.  I wish I had left earlier to protect the kids but I was in the FOG.  Hindsight is always 20/20.

Anyhoo, 2 years after it is over, she is still creating chaos and problems for me through facebook (not on), family members on my side (who don't believe or speak to her).  She was/is a Queen/Waif.  A Queen to me and the waif to everyone else for sympathy.

I am strictly no contact with her.

Good luck and I hope when it is finished this person simply leaves you alone!

[knowledgeseeker]

More of the same. 

We had a court date too and boy the crazy keeps on going. 

Blistex,

I'm already experiencing some the things you have mentioned and we are barely a month into our divorce. Because of all his lies we sent interrogatories this week. My lawyer isn't sure if we will end up in trial as its too early to tell and I'm hopeful that with this weeks win in court coupled with the interrogatories he will just relent because all he doesn't want to be exposed will be through the interrogatories. So my question to you... .did you have to do interrogatories and where depositions needed in your case? Do you have any tips, advice or pre-emptive moves (i.e. get depositions from folks now... .he's saying we haven't been married for the last three years, which is insane. I guess that was his other personality I was married too) that I should be thinking about now rather than later?

[Blistex]

Hi mm.

Ugh Sorry!

I ran out of $$ after the delays.  She would not show up to the first deposition and interrogoties were never responded to and I did not delay.  Went straight to court.  Still cost a lot of $$ tho.

At least in my state, by the time the court date actually arrives, there are no supposed to be any surprises.  Meaning the lawyer must show his/her evidence prior to the trial date.  So we had copies of their exhibits prior to court.

I am a little confused.  Generally, lets say spouse A files for divorce.  So spouse B would respond with a nullity and within the nullity there must be evidence and a court trial for a judge to conclude whether the marriage was valid or not.  There must be a statement by the husband as to why the marriage is void or voidable and then have proof.

If your husband was a bigamist, you still have putative spouse as you were innocent at the time of marriage.

I would have copies of the marriage application and marriage certificate as evidence.  If there are people who are willing to testify that they were at the wedding, have them there.  Copies of your the filings if they show married.


I didn't read your back story.  What are you filing for in your papers filed at the courthouse?  What was his response in his papers filed at the courthouse?  What are you going for? 

Property issues can be a big problem if he is hiding items and interrogaties would certainly help but it doesn't mean he is being honest... .it would probably be more useful to show his inconsistencies in his statements.

My lawyer constantly used the exhibits in court to show the facts.  Try to document every single fact so when he goes hay wire your lawyer can refer your ex back to legal documents he signed, ect.

It was an extremely stressful process for me.  And generally it was stressful the day before and day after as the ex's lawyer was always filing new nonsense which my lawyer had to respond to... .It was kinda like the monkey dance if you are familiar with that story.

[knowledgeseeker]

I didn't read your back story.  What are you filing for in your papers filed at the courthouse?  What was his response in his papers filed at the courthouse?  What are you going for? 

My husband and I have been together 9 years, married for 8 of those years. He's been working in another state for the past 3 years. We bought a home in our home state in order to keep the family in once place until he could get a job in our home state. He's commuted back and fourth for the past 3 years every weekend, holidays, etc. In Sept he started saying he could no longer come home on the weekends due to his job. The last time he came home was in Oct and we now have confirmation he's been having an affair for sure since Aug, but most likely farther back, we won't know until we get all his bank statements. He's claiming that our marriage was defunct and over three years ago, which is news to me and the kids especially since we were just on a long vacation in July. I have more proof then needed, airline tickets to come home, trip receipts, family vacations, etc etc. I left my career with much hesitation (I was successful and made more than he did at the time) to support him in his career so temporary spousal support was awarded in court. I'm in a worker retraining program and as fast as I can I will get it done so I can get back to a career anThe lies are endless and most are just plan stupid. The drama he's created isn't necessary but apparently to him its needed for whatever story he's told the person he's with now. Everyone has been left scratching their heads and he's claiming he's a victim and is projecting, twisting, manipulating and stonewalling with the kids. They don't even want to talk to him at this point. They are tired of the lies.

I'm tired of all of it. He's turned out to be such a complete disappointment and coward. He won't even come back to the state, didn't even show in court only his lawyer did. He can't face anyone but has no problem hiding behind his phone and text messages and lying to anyone that will listen. I'm pretty sure his lawyer thinks he's an idiot but he's the client... .

[Blistex]

I am sorry you are going through this situation.

I remember back then I would try to prepare for the next surprise by saying she is reliably unpredictable so predict the unpredictable but the lies were so outrageous (and continue to this day) it was truly mind boggling.

I live in a no fault state and not sure what your state requires (i.e. Fault for example with an affair).

However date of separation is very important with regards to property division ect.

it also appears it is important to your ex.  Do you know why? 

It sounds like you have the proof that shows you have been in a consistent predictable marriage routine so that is great!  And tax returns ect?

Preparation is key and it sounds like you are preparing well!

Good luck and please stay strong!  Hopefully this nightmare will be over sooner rather than later!

[knowledgeseeker]

I live in a no fault state and not sure what your state requires (i.e. Fault for example with an affair).

However date of separation is very important with regards to property division ect.

it also appears it is important to your ex.  Do you know why? 

It sounds like you have the proof that shows you have been in a consistent predictable marriage routine so that is great!  And tax returns ect?

No fault state but he's spent so much on his affair/her that I'm hoping it gets repaid in some way or another.

My lawyer thinks it has to do with spousal support or retirement. I tend to think both. It's complete nonsense. He even said that I ran the debit up even though his name is on the card and on the statements showing all his charges not mine. As far as separation date, how can he say that, when he was 100% an intimate spouse up until 4 months ago and was home every single weekend playing the husband around our kids and families. Or standing up at my sisters wedding and doing a toast about how she has come to be his lost sister and he married well... .or the holiday dinners we've hosted the last three years in our home with both sides of our family. Or the emails, texts etc. Or the tax returns with his signature on them... .I don't get his logical, as its not logical. I've told him for years the only thing that is consistent about him is that he is consistently inconsistent. Unless it comes to work... .he's highly successful there but not with out conflict or firing people which I now realize was those that he perceived as a threat to him. He's always saying how everyone wants his job and is trying to stab in him the back or "throw him under the bus". I have more proof that my poor lawyer knows what to do with. Because of my background in HR and coming from a family of lawyers I save everything... .

[Blistex]

Ugh!  What a jerk!

Not sure if it helps, but one way I was able to clue in on what was really going on with my ex was to listen to the falsities because they are projections. 

He is projecting all of his bad actions on to you.

What he says about you is really about himself... .

It's difficult to go through tho.  Because sometimes it's also just straight up lies.

Hard to decipher.

Ugh!

[knowledgeseeker]

Ugh!  What a jerk!

Not sure if it helps, but one way I was able to clue in on what was really going on with my ex was to listen to the falsities because they are projections. 

He is projecting all of his bad actions on to you.

What he says about you is really about himself... .

It's difficult to go through tho.  Because sometimes it's also just straight up lies.

Hard to decipher.

Ugh!

I've come to realize that over the last 2 months. I also think sometimes when he's projection its almost like he's confessing things to me in a twisted way. I had a very confusing conversation where he went from idealizing me to telling me that if it takes the rest of his live to prove to me that he is a good person then he will... .It made no sense to me at the time and I remember thinking, I don't have the rest of your life for that. I look back now and wonder if he was confessing his affair in a sense and telling me he's a bad person (come to find out he had boughten his new supply flowers just hours before)... .almost like when he says something he means the opposite, but then there are times I think he means what he's saying. It's confusing... .I asked him so many times if he was having an affair and he denied it, by gut new better. I don't plan to see or talk to him again unless I'm forced to because of court. I hope he's happy with his new supply and that all this drama he's created and the loss of his family and half of what we build together was worth it in the end for him. Sadly, he will never be happy and I know that. He did me a favor, one day I hope it stops hurting and I can learn to trust again.

[livednlearned]

the way he treated my attorney was how he had always treated me.

My ex did the same thing. He ended up representing himself, and then treated the judge the same way he treated me. That's when it became crystal clear how much of an illness this is -- he really could not see things the way the rest of us were seeing them, and it actually made me feel pity for him.

My question is what should I expect in court?

There are some variables to this, most importantly is what his lawyer is like. That will impact how well you do if you're called to the stand. Hopefully your lawyer has prepared you for this. In general, the questions your lawyer asks you will be "yes" and "no." In general, the questions his lawyer asks you will be designed to trap you. When my ex's lawyer (and then ex, when he began representing himself) asked me a question, I looked at my lawyer, and/or the judge. I never looked at N/BPDx because by then I figured the lawyers and the judge were the adults in the room. My lawyer told me to answer "yes" or "no" and not explain too much when answering. If the lawyer is using depositions to cross-examine you, it's important to be consistent with what you said earlier. The lawyer will try to trip you up -- don't take it personally. Staying calm seemed important in my case. Only once did I feel exasperated and let it show, and that was toward the end of our 4 year run when I knew the judge was fed up too.

You can go and sit in on hearings if you want to get a feel for how they run. My judge didn't tolerate eye rolling, loud sighing, or anything that seemed even remotely disrespectful of the other party. You can (usually) only communicate with your lawyer by writing things down, but have to be careful because the other attorney can request to see the note. If you have something pressing to say to your lawyer and want privacy, you can ask for a short break and talk to him/her outside the courtroom. In my courtroom, you can also request a private conference room before trial. I always felt worse walking into the court house, and even took the stairs to avoid seeing my ex in the elevators. A couple times we ended up being the only ones waiting for the court room to open, so I would wait in the bathroom until my lawyer texted me that she was on the floor. Over time, though, it stopped bothering me to see ex.

What part of court are you most concerned about?