RE: Mother is a chaos factory

[Our abuse recovery guide]

After 30+ years of dealing with all my mother's problems I just can't take it anymore.  Things have gotten so bad that I can't hold down a normal job and it takes lots of energy to work up any amount of happiness.  I am relieved to have found this board as I have been in constant dread of the next big family problem.

Every 3 to 6 months for the last 6 years straight there has been a major family life event job loss, death, divorce, or some other craziness and my mother is always at the center of the problem.

All my life since I was young I told her I didn't want to listening to her talk badly about people I care about family, friends etc... .  She would not listen.  Things got really bad when when she was going to loose the house, and she asked me to take it over.  I told her that I could not live with here as we don't communicate at all.  She has not heard a word I have said in 43 years of life.

For whatever reason I decided to trust her when she said she would not live there.  I moved in and took care of my 90+ year old sick grandmother after working a full day only to listen to her talk bad about the family for hours on end.

She talks bad about everyone.  After reading about BPD I now know she will do  whatever she has to to get attention.  She has gotten me so stressed out that I can't function for weeks on end.  I tell her that I can't handle this, but she keeps doing the same stuff.

She was a contributing factor in my brother getting divorced constantly bad mouthing his wife, did the same thing with his new girl friend until she left, and now is working on the 3rd girl friend.

My brother has 2 kids too raise, but does my mother care nope.  She is not satisfied until everyone is in a complete state of chaos.  If I don't call she will make my brother completely insane and use him to contact me.  I would not wish this on anyone.

Please, any help or advice would be appreciated.  I am working on selling the house and moving, but that is a few months off.  Need a short term stategy until I can get away from her for good.  Thanks in advance.

[ijustwantpeace]

After 30+ years of dealing with all my mother's problems I just can't take it anymore.  Things have gotten so bad that I can't hold down a normal job and it takes lots of energy to work up any amount of happiness.  I am relieved to have found this board as I have been in constant dread of the next big family problem.

Every 3 to 6 months for the last 6 years straight there has been a major family life event job loss, death, divorce, or some other craziness and my mother is always at the center of the problem.

All my life since I was young I told her I didn't want to listening to her talk badly about people I care about family, friends etc... .  She would not listen.  Things got really bad when when she was going to loose the house, and she asked me to take it over.  I told her that I could not live with here as we don't communicate at all.  She has not heard a word I have said in 43 years of life.

For whatever reason I decided to trust her when she said she would not live there.  I moved in and took care of my 90+ year old sick grandmother after working a full day only to listen to her talk bad about the family for hours on end.

She talks bad about everyone.  After reading about BPD I now know she will do  whatever she has to to get attention.  She has gotten me so stressed out that I can't function for weeks on end.  I tell her that I can't handle this, but she keeps doing the same stuff.

She was a contributing factor in my brother getting divorced constantly bad mouthing his wife, did the same thing with his new girl friend until she left, and now is working on the 3rd girl friend.

My brother has 2 kids too raise, but does my mother care nope.  She is not satisfied until everyone is in a complete state of chaos.  If I don't call she will make my brother completely insane and use him to contact me.  I would not wish this on anyone.

Please, any help or advice would be appreciated.  I am working on selling the house and moving, but that is a few months off.  Need a short term stategy until I can get away from her for good.  Thanks in advance.

[Turkish]

Hello ijustwantpeace,

Constant drama is so draining; even more so when it's gone on for decades. I look at the people with BPD in my life and think "this emanates from them or the most part." Their moods, and their actions.

It sounds like you are trying to gain seperation after decades of being reeled into your mother's drama. You, however, have a right to your own life.

We can't reduce their drama nor control it, but we can work to set boundaries which can help give us some seperation to move towards feeling empowered and more at peace with ourselves. Check out the following to start, and let me know if these discussions are useful:

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

BOUNDARIES: Case studies

Turkish

[ijustwantpeace]

Thank You Turkish,

It is more than being upset or drained it has gotten to the point I can function properly.  Whenever my mother sees things getting better for me she go nuts and creates choas in the family.  If I try to set a boundary of not talking to her she will go over to my brothers and terrorize my brother and next thing you know he is yelling at me on the phone.

I told here I was going to move several states away and she said she would follow. Both her and my uncle her brother are BPD.  I can't have a conversation about anything with my mom all she wants to do is say horrible things about my the other family members I care about.

My uncle does the crazy insane yelling thing.  He yelled at my 97 year old grandmother saying she has to pay him a $1,000 per month as he is in the process of loosing his house which he lost to his ex wife.  This triggered a chin reaction resulting in my mom breaking up with here fiance.

She has not been able to have or keep a single relationship in 67 years.  I have tried the boundary thing and demanded she get a priest, pastor, or physiologist to tell her problems  and she refuses help.

The worst part is she has not heard a word I have had to say in 43 years of life.  He next tatic is to break up my brother and his new girlfriend so she can insert herself into that situation, and draw me back into the mess.

I am getting wise to her games.  From what I read online the BPD did not get enough love or bond properly with their parent and they go through life trying to get the love their mothers' never gave them.

I don't know if there is levels of this BPD thing, but she has to be 10.

[Turkish]

It sounds like seperation and distance will definitely be healthier for you, especially if she doesn't respect your boundaries. Can you give an example of how you have tried to set a boundary, how she busted it, and how you reacted to it?

[Panda39]

It is more than being upset or drained it has gotten to the point I can function properly.  Whenever my mother sees things getting better for me she go nuts and creates choas in the family.  If I try to set a boundary of not talking to her she will go over to my brothers and terrorize my brother and next thing you know he is yelling at me on the phone.

Hi ijustwantpeace,

I wanted to join Turkish and welcome you to the BPD Family  .  

I selected the above passage because it sounds like you have some triangulation going on with you, your mom and your brother so I thought I'd pass on a link about the Karpman Triangle... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0

I have found just having a clear understanding of what is happening helps me stay in a more mindful place rather than just repeating my usual emotional knee jerk reactions and if I recognize that I'm in the triangle I can take myself out of it.

How do you think you could remove yourself from the triangle your mother and brother are pulling you into?  Could you set a boundary perhaps?

I also wanted to point out the box to the right --> Everything there is a link to more information.  When you have time you might want to check out the Lessons section.

I'm really glad you've found us we all understand how difficult it is have someone with BPD in our lives.  You will find a lot of understanding, support, and tools that can help from this site and the members here.

Take Care,

Panda39

[ijustwantpeace]

It sounds like seperation and distance will definitely be healthier for you, especially if she doesn't respect your boundaries. Can you give an example of how you have tried to set a boundary, how she busted it, and how you reacted to it?

Turkish

I have tried to explain to her what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior 100s or maybe 1,000s of times, but she can't hear my words.

When that does not work I go NC and things get better for me, and I am able to make friends and function normally.  I did not realize what was going on until this last crisis.  I notified my brother mom is heading your way to break up you and your new girlfriend as this is a demonstrated pattern of behavior.  She tried to do the same thing to my dad and his girlfriend by sending crazy letters in the mail.

Panda39,

Thanks for posting the information on Karpman Drama Triangle.  It is very helpful.

The strange thing is both my mother and uncle have BPD and have been in competition for their mother's affection for years.  I know now this is the route source of all the craziness.


I told my brother he is going to have to handle the mom-tsunami on his own this time.  

Karpman Drama Triangle at work in my family

Brother's kids get sick our mom takes them to the doctor, but is sure to talk bad about new girlfriend.

New girl friend hears and shurgs it off at first, but like a tsunami the wind of and rain of chaos continues to rage until brother snaps and calls me.

New girlfriend can't handle the insanity and leaves and mom is happy as she is getting attention again.

She repeats this same pattern over and over again, but I could not figure it out until now.

The kids suffer greatly.  This is the part I have the most trouble with.  

Is there a way for me get her out of our lives for good?  If she won't get treatment isn't this child endangerment?  Is there any legal action that can be taken to restore peace not just for me, but the welfare of the children?  If it wasn't for the niece and nephew I would not have anything to do with any of them and it would not phase me in the least.

Thank you both so much feels good to know I am not alone.