Ex denying son necessary speech therapy

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

For 2 years several dr's and teachers have recommended speech therapy for my 5 year old son.    It is clear to anyone that he needs it.   The reason the narcissistic ex denies this is because I have pushed for it a long time ago, and she does not want me to get the credit (or she does not want the blame dr's will say for neglecting it so long).    

So I am now pursuing this under my custodial time.    She says I cannot since I am not the legal medical decision maker, but I have joint legal custody.    Is a dr defying the court order if he/she treats my son?    I am allowed to take him to a dr in an emergency situation, and I now consider this an emergency.   I know its not an ER visit, but the treatment delay cannot wait any longer.    :)o you think the court will understand my view on this?

[trappeddad]

For 2 years several dr's and teachers have recommended speech therapy for my 5 year old son.    It is clear to anyone that he needs it.   The reason the narcissistic ex denies this is because I have pushed for it a long time ago, and she does not want me to get the credit (or she does not want the blame dr's will say for neglecting it so long).    

So I am now pursuing this under my custodial time.    She says I cannot since I am not the legal medical decision maker, but I have joint legal custody.    Is a dr defying the court order if he/she treats my son?    I am allowed to take him to a dr in an emergency situation, and I now consider this an emergency.   I know its not an ER visit, but the treatment delay cannot wait any longer.    :)o you think the court will understand my view on this?

[Nope]

Is there any wording in the parenting plan/court order for visitation that specifically gives your ex medical decision making? You should check with an L to make sure your jurisdiction doesn't automatically give medical decision making to the parent with primary physical custody. Because if she's just saying you don't have the right to take the child in for an evaluation and treatment I wouldn't take her word for that.

Beyond that if it were me I'd err on the side of doing the right thing for the child, but make sure I had extensive documentation backing up my decision. You mentioned that doctors and teachers feel the child should have speach therapy. Have any professionals put pen to paper? You will need documentation to be prepared to prove three things. That the speach therapy was necessary for the child's welfare, that you attempted to work with the mother to find a solution, and that she was doing nothing about the problem (so you aren't undermining her attempts to get your son help some other way).

[Thunderstruck]

I second what Nope said.

In our experience, a T said she would not treat SD because uBPDbm wasn't on board. Then months later uBPDbm took SD to the same T without our consent and T went ahead and saw her anyway. Ugh! It drives me crazy that they valued the moms consent over the dads.

If uBPDmom made a stink about it to the speech therapist, then likely they'll stop treating S5 until they have clear direction. They probably won't care about who has decision making or what. So to be the most safe you should take this through the court. I don't know what your wording in your CO says, if you have to consult and agree to any treatment?

Gather up all that evidence and file a motion. Maybe you can ask for medical decision making, or tie-breaker status as well to prevent further incidences. 

[ForeverDad]

I learned this principle years ago (it's a practical one but not exactly found in Scriptures):

It's easier to ask for forgiveness than obtain permission.

While she may say 'NO!', if you have professionals who recommend or give referrals for speech therapy or something similar, do it.  You probably won't get in trouble with the court for doing something good for your child.  You might get lectured for taking action before waiting months for court, or lectured for waiting too long stuck arguing with your stubborn ex, but if it's good for your child, you won't look too bad to court.

(1) Have you documented the professionals' recommendations, that is, gotten them in writing?  (2) Have you documented her repeated refusals?

Then you could turn to the court and file for modification of the legal custody.  You can also ask that the therapy be ordered while the case proceeds.  However, there is a risk that if (1) court orders therapy to continue while the case wends its way through the court steps or (2) if ex sees the writing on the wall and reverses herself and starts supporting therapy, then court may want to just drop it as a moot issue.  However, you can choose to "strike while the iron is hot" and tell the court that obstructions just like this will keep happening if you don't have DM or TB leverage (described below).

If she has majority time, I don't know whether you can get the court to change that.  Maybe you could throw everything into the bucket and that way give court lots of room to say Yes to some requests and No to others.  However, you can ask for Legal custody or, failing that, to ask for Decision Making or Tie Breaker.  The point of asking for DM or TB is that if you can't get sole custody (many courts are reluctant to award sole custody without substantive basis) then you can get the next best options.  Actually, TB or DM is almost like sole custody but not in Name, it allows the ex to still claim parenthood.

Run the above strategies past your lawyer.  The point is that RIGHT NOW you have basis to seek resolution in court.  If you make a stand but neither of you take it to court (or she acquiesces before you can go to court) then overall the custody and parenting status won't improve.  You may never get reasons like this again for years.  Do you want to seek a shift in the parenting Power Struggle?  If so, then strategies and timing are important.

[trappeddad]

Great suggestions.   I have tons of documentation.    And when I went to one speech therapist and stupidly told my ex, the uBPDmom lambasted the therapist for not having the mom involved.    The therapist was so threatened that she now refuses to serve my son.     This is documentation on why I should not disclose the therapist.      The uBPDmom wants power and hates me taking the lead on this.    I am seeking tie breaking rights for medical, but this takes time, money, stress and mostly uncertainty.    In the short term, I am taking your suggestions to do what is best for my son.

[ForeverDad]

I am seeking tie breaking rights for medical, but this takes time, money, stress and mostly uncertainty.

Yes, it is a horrendous expenditure but getting her behaviors documented and addressed now may save you money later on.

Why only for medical? This is an overall pattern, are there any other areas you can improve?  Even if you might not get them, it would give an assortment of issues for the judge to review and then something for the judge to grant as well as something to deny.  Judges seem to love it when they can claim neither parent 'won' it all.

Do you have any other pending issues or conflicts you can include in a motion, if legally appropriate to include?  Exchange issues?  Daycare issues?  Vacation or holiday issues?

[trappeddad]

I certainly deserve more rights and time with my son.     However, the uBPDmom also has a physical disability and she will sue anyone getting in her way.    Nobody wants to be sued for discrimination even if it is baseless.  And she has tried reporting those people to the press (if they get in her way).    They all cave in.   She is convincing the PC I hit and rape her and abuse my son, as the PC and other court experts are behind her cause (fighting for disabled moms).    In order to win that cause, I must be torn down.    So I can only fight for things that are winnable, and perhaps there is an opening here.     Of course, the uBPDmom is ratcheting up the violence claims against her in the last few days.         

[ForeverDad]

In which case all encounters are recorded.  Self-protection!  She postures as the victim, you prove yourself the target.

[livednlearned]

I learned this principle years ago (it's a practical one but not exactly found in Scriptures):

It's easier to ask for forgiveness than obtain permission.

I wanted to second this.

My ex did a similar thing, and the exact scenario you describe came up in court. Do what you think is best for your child, and ask forgiveness from the judge.

It's a little easier with speech therapy since there won't be medications involved. How could a parent possibly argue with something recommended and at the same time benign? She will have some explaining to do if she were to take you to court over this.

Common sense does play a role (however seemingly small) in family court. You could even record your son's voice and play it in court to make the point that this is a necessary therapy.

[bravhart1]

You have a PC? Isn't this the type of thing you bring to PC and let them decide or help negotiate?

I would at the very least get something in writing from mom saying she does NOT agree with speech therapy, then you will have "proof" of her obstructing his care.

If you don't have a PC now, I very strongly suggest you try to get one while in court, if you have one but she is biased, then request a change for those ( well documented) reasons.

[david]

I agree with proceeding to do what is best for the child.

Last year our S17 was sick and vomited in school. The school called his mom three times and left messages. It was her custodial time. I was called after all that and answered my phone. I told the nurse I would pick him up. I drove him to my house and he went to bed. He had symptoms of a virus of some sort. Ex called me when she found out. I only communicate through email; and already sent an email. Ex then replied demanding I bring S17 to her place. I repeated my email: I gave symptoms, explained he was in bed, and what I was going to do the next day depending on how he felt. Ex again insisted I return him. I ignored. I then got an email from ex that was also sent to her attorney stating I am in contempt and she wanted to take me back to court. I ignored. Hours later I got a call from the police. I explained everything I did and the officer asked me to reach out to ex again. I sent an email saying everything I said before and added that officer xyz called me and asked me to reach out. The next day I sent an email explaining everything to ex about how S17 was doing.

I have "violated" our court order a few times over the last few years. Every time I was doing what I believed was in our kids best interest.

On the flip side my ex insisted our youngest had a learning disability when he was in kindergarten. The school tested him and the results were inconclusive. They gave him an IEP because of ex's insistence. I fought the school but they wouldn't budge. In a inclusive meeting (principal, teacher, counselor, both parents) they all sided with ex. In second grade the teacher called a meeting and asked me why he had an IEP since she didn't see it. I then had the school retest him and he was placed in the accelerated program. He is in 6th grade now and is flourishing. The school finally figured ex out and things are fine.

Having documentation and doing what is best for your child ,in my opinion, will trump any court order.

If ex takes you to court over it then be prepared to ask for decision making power so you don't have to deal with this again.

Showing the pattern of obstruction is a good for court.

One thing I learned is that judges must make their rulings on evidence. Evidence is the verbal testimony but also things that are introduced as evidence. Introducing evidence is a procedure and many judges and lawyers don't like it because it takes time. However, once it is introduced as evidence it is there for good and can not be removed. Written evidence (documentation) is much stronger in court then the verbal testimony. I went to court once with a pile of paper 5 or 6 inches tall. I had a single piece of paper on the top the summarized everything below. My attorney handed the entire thing to the judge. He looked at the pile and gave it to my ex's attorney. My ex was given the opportunity to look through the entire thing (and piss everybody off) or agree with the top sheet. She agreed with the top sheet and that was introduced as evidence. Everything went smoothly after that.

[david]

Another thing I have noticed. Courts don't want it to look like somebody "won". Almost every time I was granted exactly what I was asking from the courts I was also yelled at by the judge. The first time I had no idea why. The next time I figured it was to make ex feel like she won too.

One judge yelled at me for close to 10 minutes for recording anytime I was near my ex. (exchanges,school meetings,doc appointments,etc/ex only knows about exchanges and brought it up in the court) It is illegal in our state. I do it because ex falsely accused me of assault back in 2010 and I was arrested and put in jail for two weeks for disorderly conduct. I stood there and when he stopped I asked the court if I could ask a question. The judge hesitated and said what is your question. I asked him how I could protect myself from false allegations. He yelled a few minutes more and didn't do anything after that. I still record. I was also granted what I was seeking.

The recording is not allowed in court but it can be used when the police come to lock you up. Recordings can also be used in custody evals, etc.

[livednlearned]

Almost every time I was granted exactly what I was asking from the courts I was also yelled at by the judge.

Me too.

From what I've been told, this is because a ruling can be overturned if there is proof of "favoritism." So judges may berate the parent who is acting in the best interests of the child, while also ruling in their favor, in order to make it hard to show favoritism.

[trappeddad]

You have a PC? Isn't this the type of thing you bring to PC and let them decide or help negotiate?

I would at the very least get something in writing from mom saying she does NOT agree with speech therapy, then you will have "proof" of her obstructing his care.

If you don't have a PC now, I very strongly suggest you try to get one while in court, if you have one but she is biased, then request a change for those ( well documented) reasons.

We have a PC, but my ex was able to agree on one that cannot make decisions.   I was wrong to agree to that.   She was also able to get from the court that I was not able to record her either, since I recorded her before.    I will try to reverse that, and keep her from harassing specialists.    She threatens to sue anyone that sees our son without her consent.     

[bravhart1]

You definately need a PC who can make decisions. What do they do if not that?

I'm not suggesting you try to record her, that is too messy to prove. But send an email, state your reasons for wanting speech therapy and maybe even the fact you have tried to get her to agree previously, and ask if she will agree now. Then if she responds in writing that she will not, then there's your proof.

On the other thing about her suing or threatening to sue. Ya, our BPDm does that too. She is a big ol bully. If things are going her way it's cool, if someone doesn't agree with her she says she will sue them for being racist

We have talked the day care provider, therapists and teachers and school district and principal off the ledge by stating that we would be happy to testify that BPDm is a) a bully b) mentally ill c) only trying to coerce people into going along with her for her own gain if it ever goes that far, which it never has. It also helps that we offer up our court records which show mom with long history of lies and false accusations.

Most folks are pretty relieved to hear the long list of people she's threatened which also goes in their favor and to know that the other parent has their back. I really don't do well with bullies or their tactics, so don't get me started!