Should I use DEARMAN to communicate what I found out and how I feel to him?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

  everyone

After doing some work over on the legal board, I have found some things out that have made me feel angry all over again.

Specifically,

Many states require couples to be legally separated and apart for a certain period of time before a divorce can be filed by either spouse. However, this requirement can be waived in some states if both spouses consent to the waiving.

My partner's state requires 12 months.

He wrote me the usual good morning messages today which I haven't responded to yet because I don't feel like faking it.  Last night I decided to grant him his request to watch Star Trek together on facetime and I did that and was not feeling angry. However after a good night's sleep with this new information in my brain, now I'm feeling angry. I suppose I could say I enjoyed watching Star Trek with you too and leave it at that because that is true. I didn't have a problem with him last night, only this morning after woke up having slept with that information in my brain.

My question is do you think I should use the DEARMAN technique to express my feelings to him? I am very familiar with it due to my work in DBT.   I really feel like confronting him with this new information. The part about the 12 month requirement of separation coupled with what he told me about his wife threatening to contest the divorce. That doesn't sound like she would consent to the waiving. Additionally I'd seen no document of legal separation so that means no progress had been being made on the divorce for sure during the first year of our relationship. Now it sounds like my partner's wife would consent to the waiving, however its been 3.7 years since they've lived together.

So the bottom line is I really feel like confronting my partner with this new information.

I also know that in the past he has used my anger against me, accused me of being resentful, spiritually sick, full of the cancer of resentment, needing help, blaming me for not forgiving him. I don't want to go through that again. He may have apologized for saying all those things to me but it doesn't matter.



I also found out 

After a petition is filed, there may be a waiting period before the divorce becomes final and the divorce decree is released.

My partner's state requires 3 months.

I would like to discuss this after we discuss the separation requirement issue.

[unicorn2014]

  everyone

After doing some work over on the legal board, I have found some things out that have made me feel angry all over again.

Specifically,

Many states require couples to be legally separated and apart for a certain period of time before a divorce can be filed by either spouse. However, this requirement can be waived in some states if both spouses consent to the waiving.

My partner's state requires 12 months.

He wrote me the usual good morning messages today which I haven't responded to yet because I don't feel like faking it.  Last night I decided to grant him his request to watch Star Trek together on facetime and I did that and was not feeling angry. However after a good night's sleep with this new information in my brain, now I'm feeling angry. I suppose I could say I enjoyed watching Star Trek with you too and leave it at that because that is true. I didn't have a problem with him last night, only this morning after woke up having slept with that information in my brain.

My question is do you think I should use the DEARMAN technique to express my feelings to him? I am very familiar with it due to my work in DBT.   I really feel like confronting him with this new information. The part about the 12 month requirement of separation coupled with what he told me about his wife threatening to contest the divorce. That doesn't sound like she would consent to the waiving. Additionally I'd seen no document of legal separation so that means no progress had been being made on the divorce for sure during the first year of our relationship. Now it sounds like my partner's wife would consent to the waiving, however its been 3.7 years since they've lived together.

So the bottom line is I really feel like confronting my partner with this new information.

I also know that in the past he has used my anger against me, accused me of being resentful, spiritually sick, full of the cancer of resentment, needing help, blaming me for not forgiving him. I don't want to go through that again. He may have apologized for saying all those things to me but it doesn't matter.



I also found out 

After a petition is filed, there may be a waiting period before the divorce becomes final and the divorce decree is released.

My partner's state requires 3 months.

I would like to discuss this after we discuss the separation requirement issue.

[unicorn2014]

I could not modify my post, maybe a moderator could edit and put this in.

I remembered the other interpersonal effectiveness technique, FAST, that would be more appropriate here, be Fair to me and him, do not Apologize for my point of view, Stick to my values, and be Truthful.

I did not see FAST listed among the communications skills, only SET, PUVAS and DEARMAN.

I'm not familiar with PUVAS, but I am thinking if I go by the ones you listed, that would be the one to use here, and if so I need to be taught that one.



The bottom line is, do you think it would be wise to communicate to him what I learned from my post on the legal board, specifically what I learned about the separation requirements in his state?

[sweetheart]

What do you hope to achieve by letting him know what you found out and how you feel?

[unicorn2014]

I hope to achieve authenticity . I also hope to create more space in the relationship. I need to create room for me to feel my own emotions. My partner has severely judged me in the recent past for how I've felt.

He's feeling affectionate towards me but I'm feeling angry towards him, again.

He and I are both in ACA so he knows the affirmation "I can be angry with someone I love".

[Sunfl0wer]

I think the issue of his divorce is possibly and understandably, a huge trigger for you.

My feeling is that: It is his divorce, his business.

You sound upset, I think you need to find ways independent of him to deal with your feelings of upset-ness.  

My guess is that the chances of you confronting him, in even the most gentle and skillful way, is likely to lead to bad behavior on someones part.  Rather than receiving clarity and closeness, the chances are high that the relationship will undergo more stress and complications.

My personal experience with pwPD has been:  When I am feeling upset/triggered and turn toward the person who it is related to, (even if I do so calmly) the result is usually that the person becomes more symptomatic in their disorder.  It serves as a trigger for their issues.

It is probably wise to focus efforts on maintaining current boundaries set regarding your partners divorce.  Rather than becoming involved in any specifics, remain resolved in what you have already set as boundaries.

I recall FaceTime being a boundary regarding his divorce and a way for you not to resume 'business as usual' with a married man.  I am not sure why you are FaceTiming with him while he is still married.  I likely do not recall this correctly, however, it does not appear that your boundaries are being clear to yourself.  

Things seemed to have calmed down.  They calmed down for a reason.  Be careful relaxing back into old ways and habits just because 'things are improving.'  You two need more calm time under your belt.

If you are identifying things that are working the past few weeks (you previously mentioned missing SO and that being helpful)... . Why revert back to previous ways?

[unicorn2014]

My partner had requested a week ago that we watch Star Trek together . Initially I said no but then when I started to miss him I changed my mind.

I don't feel angry with him because I saw him last night.

I feel angry with him because I found out yesterday that there is a 12 month separation requirement before filing for divorce in his state.

I feel angry that he did not tell me that.

I wasn't asking if I should revert back to old ways but should I tell him what I found out about the separation requirement and ask him why he didn't tell me about that.

[Sunfl0wer]

Put simply, I think... .

His divorce is completely/ultimately his responsibility. 

I think your business is:

Coping with your feelings independent of him

Maintaining clarity and consistency with your boundaries in regards to his marriage/divorce.


They are related.  What gets confusing and increases unresolvable conflict is when boundaries and clarity on roles/expectations/responsibilities are fuzzy.

[unicorn2014]

I told him I would be open to facetiming him next Friday night to watch Star Trek, so that's not what's triggering me.

I don't feel like being nice to him right now.

I know some other members have told me I could tell him I don't feel like talking right now.

I know I don't owe him an explanation as to why I didn't call him this morning.

Previously I was ok with a morning check-in by phone but this morning I don't feel like talking to him.

He's not pressuring me to talk to him so the pressure I'm feeling is from within.

I really want to tell him what I found out and how that made me feel.

I don't know how to cope with these feelings of anger, betrayal and disappointment.

[Sunfl0wer]

You seem triggered.  Is this so?

If so, I think it best to get to a place of inner calmness before approaching him in any manner.

Idk what you need to do to address your feelings.

Do you want to explore other options? (Other than turning towards SO)

[thefixermom]

It might be helpful to cope with the feelings by choosing acceptance. This is who he is, and you are learning what to expect (or not expect) from him and then the choice becomes whether you want to live with this vs call him on it or try to institute that he change his ways.  I think the anger comes from having expectations. What gave you a right to those expectations? Just because you had them?  

[Lou12]

Unicorn may I ask why an issue that was so important to you today was not such an issue last night?

I'm a little confused by your depth of anger today v last night? Did you get additional information?

[unicorn2014]

I feel angry. Perhaps we need to discuss what being triggered is.

I'm meeting with my individual therapist next Wednesday afternoon but I don't know what to do until then.

I could thank him for the doc marten boots he gave me because they are protecting my feet from the rain.

I don't want him to think I'm ignoring him. I hate it when he accuses me of that.

[unicorn2014]

The anger comes from the fact he told me he was filing for divorce from the very beginning which is why I allowed him to come see me in the first place. I would have never allowed him to come visit me if I knew he had to be legally separated and living apart for 12 months before he could file for divorce. That was in total violation of my values.

I had those expectations because he initiated a relationship with me under false pretenses.

I've spent 3.75 years of my life with a man who initiated a relationship with me under false pretenses.

I'm furious.

[unicorn2014]

--------

Yes I got additional information.

A senior member of the board recommended I post on the legal board to get clarification.

I did so and was given a link to a site where I could look up the divorce laws of his state.

I found out what the separation requirements were in his state.

He did not tell me those requirements.

He allowed me to have an affair with him without knowing I was having an affair.

Furthermore he lets himself off the hook by stating he didn't feel married to his wife.

He denies he has BPD yet he has the full blown symptom of feelings equal facts.

[Sunfl0wer]

Would it be honest to say:

Hi dear, As you know, I have been working very hard and am struggling with some things right now.  Please know I care for you, and am not ignoring you, however, I do need time to myself to focus on things.  I will touch bases with you this evening before bed.

I think it is extremely important to... .

1. Identify when you are triggered

2. Learn to take space you need without FOG

I am not sure what happened to your previous boundaries with FaceTime and also daytime/evening txting, etc however, I suspect reinforcing/strengthening boundaries that were working may need to be looked at by you.

I wonder if you have become vulnerable to feeling triggered by the divorce details again due to slacking of boundaries.  Remember, boundaries are there to uphold your values... .so if you feel you are not being true to your values, that could very well lead to feelings of resentment, anger and such.

It sounds good that you are identifying the triggers and have strong insight on where your feelings are coming from.

[Sunfl0wer]

I say you are 'triggered' because your feeling seems to open up the 'floodgates' of feeling the original betrayal from him.  You are not just upset over a simple possible misunderstanding... .you are now raw to the original betrayal feelings. 

I suppose I call it a trigger when my feelings open up a door to past feelings that are bigger than the moment at hand.

Does that feel similar?

By the way... .  I don't blame you.  I too would be hypersensitive to any percieved incongruence over my partners divorce/marriage.  I think I would feel overwhelmed by feelings in the present, and the history of feelings on my part of feeling betrayed.

[Lou12]

I totally understand your anger for what he did. Having read some of your posts I feel like their in never going to be a conflict resolution on this matter.

Do you think any issues you have may prevent you from having a functional relationship? I suppose what I am getting at and pls don't take offence but if it wasn't this issue do you believe you have the potential to have a relationship with him? X

[Grey Kitty]

My suggestion is not to communicate anything with him about what you found out regarding divorce.

He keeps bringing his "progress" up anyways. I've said that your involvement in his divorce is unhealthy before, and I still think it is.

That he didn't tell you what the separation requirements were in his state ISN'T A PROBLEM. Because you aren't doing his divorce, and you do not need to meet those requirements, and you *shouldn't* be nagging him about those requirements. Yes, he *should* know them. But no, he really shouldn't be talking to you about them. Maybe he does know. Maybe he doesn't. Not your problem.

So far, he's been "showing off" every half-hearted half-effort he makes toward divorce to you. I doubt this will change. *IF* he does take any real steps... .like doing the paperwork and filings needed to take the first step of legal separation... .It is a pretty safe bet that he will tell you, unless you've truly broken up with him before this happens. (I say that 'cuz he's gone years without the divorce already and may go a similar number of years without a divorce, and I'm not sure you can stick around with him for another 3-5 years waiting on that)

That he deceived you about being married early was a big betrayal. That his actions are clearly showing no real efforts to get divorced while treating you like you are engaged to marry him is also a big problem. This latest wrinkle... .I really don't see how it changes anything important. He's still not moving forward on his divorce, but he wasn't before.

[unicorn2014]

Would it be honest to say:

Hi dear, As you know, I have been working very hard and am struggling with some things right now.  Please know I care for you, and am not ignoring you, however, I do need time to myself to focus on things.  I will touch bases with you this evening before bed.

I've already thanked him for the doc marten boots he gave me and I'm going to thank him for the starbucks card too.

I could  say

I am struggling with some things right now and I need time to myself to focus on these things. I will touch bases with you after my meeting.

I am not sure what happened to your previous boundaries with FaceTime and also daytime/evening txting, etc however, I suspect reinforcing/strengthening boundaries that were working may need to be looked at by you.

I've upheld the facetime boundary, and initially when he requested to watch star trek with me I said no but then I had a change of heart. My boundary with texting was morning and evening check in. I agree I need to relook at my boundaries. Getting a good morning text from him provided cognitive dissonance for me with what I'm struggling with today.

I wonder if you have become vulnerable to feeling triggered by the divorce details again due to slacking of boundaries.  Remember, boundaries are there to uphold your values... .so if you feel you are not being true to your values, that could very well lead to feelings of resentment, anger and such.

No I am upset  because I got some new information on the legal board yesterday or the day before. It had nothing to do with my slacking of boundaries. I'm not having a problem with my values today. I'm having a problem with what happened during the first year of our relationship. This goes back to the initial engagement, involving my community, being happy and today finding out that it was all under false pretense.

It sounds good that you are identifying the triggers and have strong insight on where your feelings are coming from.

I'm not sure if I am comfortable calling what I am feeling a trigger. I literally got new information yesterday or the day before about divorce in my partner's state that really upset me.

[unicorn2014]

I say you are 'triggered' because your feeling seems to open up the 'floodgates' of feeling the original betrayal from him.  You are not just upset over a simple possible misunderstanding... .you are now raw to the original betrayal feelings. 

I suppose you are right that I am feeling the original betrayal. I don't do well with betrayal or being betrayed. I have never been betrayed before like this. I would never have allowed it to happen if I knew then what I know now. There is no simple misunderstanding that happened. That is what I am trying to communicate. Nothing happened yesterday or the day before with my partner to trigger me. I posted on the legal board at the advising of a senior member and now I have new information that is really challenging me.

I suppose I call it a trigger when my feelings open up a door to past feelings that are bigger than the moment at hand.

That may be true but there is no moment at hand. I am taking space in my relationship. My partner is not pressuring me to call him or text him. I'm feeling internal pressure. I'm furious with him.

Does that feel similar?

In this case no. Posting on the legal board gave me information that allowed me to feel the original betrayal. There is no triggering going on here.

By the way... .  I don't blame you.  I too would be hypersensitive to any percieved incongruence over my partners divorce/marriage.  I think I would feel overwhelmed by feelings in the present, and the history of feelings on my part of feeling betrayed.

I'm not feeling hypersensitive. I got new information that now I have to process. I am very angry. I'm not feeling an anger in the present. I know where my partner stands. He thinks he wasn't married because he didn't feel married. He thinks his marriage is just a simple legal matter. I totally disagree. I told him the other day that consensus reality saw him as married and he said he didn't follow consensus reality. That right there is the problem in a nutshell. I do follow consensus reality. He thinks because he is an INTJ that he has the right to redefine reality. He thinks his superior thinking skills allow him to be above other people yet he denies any traits of narcissism at all. So I can't talk to him about how I'm feeling because he has a built in defense system. He has told me many stories about his youth where he got in trouble because he questioned authority, and he thought they were wrong and he was right. He is very strong about his convictions. I suppose that is one of the attractive things about his personality however right now it is a huge problem to me because it means I can't talk to him about what's going with me.

[sweetheart]

The anger you describe feeling about the new information you found out is what sunflower is referring to as 'being triggered.'

What you are feeling belongs either in therapy or being processed internally by you. Until you are able to work through your anger around this, it serves no purpose addressing your bf.

[unicorn2014]

I totally understand your anger for what he did. Having read some of your posts I feel like their in never going to be a conflict resolution on this matter.

Do you think any issues you have may prevent you from having a functional relationship? I suppose what I am getting at and pls don't take offence but if it wasn't this issue do you believe you have the potential to have a relationship with him? X

That is funny you say that because he likes to blame me and tell me I'm not capable of having a relationship with anybody because I'm too self centered. No I don't think this is the problem. The problem is he wants to dominate me but I have a very dominant personality. We initially set up our relationship with him in a dominant position and me in a submissive position but then after I found out after from my therapist that he was too damaged to be my daddy so I had to tear that structure down. He still hasn't forgiven me for that.

Btw when I say dominant and submissive position I was being literal. Initially I set the relationship up to be a DD/lg relationship which is a subset of D/s relationships in the BDSM world. I wanted a daddy, and I thought he could be my daddy. Well I found out after many months with him that he was definitely in no position to be my daddy. He still hasn't forgiven me for changing that aspect of our relationship. I remember the day when I decided to never call him daddy again. I had had enough of him telling me I had daddy issues and I told him so and that I would never call him daddy again and I never did. He still calls me baby. I even called him daddy in front of my family and friends, so it was no joke, I really did want a daddy and I really thought he was it. He was not.


I need to add that this alternative relationship structure is what allowed him to have an affair with me for all that time without my knowledge. I assumed he was telling the truth about filing for divorce because I did not know he had to wait 12 months before filing. That means I was actively his mistress for at least 12 months unknown to me. He always said I wasn't his girlfriend, I wasn't the side dish, the other woman, etc. That may have been true emotionally but that doesn't dismiss him from his legal responsibility.

In regards to your question about whether or not I am capable of having a healthy relationship, I have posted on the PI board about keeping the love you find and nobody has responded. I recognize I have unresolved codependency issues. I wrote about that on that post so I'm not going to repeat it here.

[sweetheart]

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=64749.0

[unicorn2014]

So far, he's been "showing off" every half-hearted half-effort he makes toward divorce to you. I doubt this will change. *IF* he does take any real steps... .like doing the paperwork and filings needed to take the first step of legal separation... .It is a pretty safe bet that he will tell you, unless you've truly broken up with him before this happens. (I say that 'cuz he's gone years without the divorce already and may go a similar number of years without a divorce, and I'm not sure you can stick around with him for another 3-5 years waiting on that)

The thing is he is actively working on this now. So what I am looking at is how I want to structure the relationship until he is issued his divorce decree. Initially I thought I could resume it once he shows me the petition however what I found out on the legal board is making me change my position. Now according to what he told me and what I found out about the laws in his state it could only take him 3 months to get a divorce decree once he files. Currently he and his lawyer are waiting on his wife and her lawyer to submit some paperwork so they can file the petition. His attorney had offered to do the whole thing but had said why not make his wife pay for her half. I said that's fine. If I said no I want you to pay for the whole thing and get over it with he would. The thing is he is really eager to file his petition so he can leave his state and start his new life. I have a different perspective. I want him to wait until he gets his divorce decree to leave his state and move out here. If he moves before he gets his divorce decree I'm going to have very solid boundaries with him. I do not want to reenter an intimate relationship with him before I see the divorce decree. We have a very powerful physical chemistry between us, I felt it the first time I met him. I do not want to expose myself to that chemistry again  before he is divorced.

I should also add that other people have noticed that chemistry and say we are a handsome couple, we look good together, I look happy when I am with him. I know that when I am physically with him that is true. I do not want to expose myself to that. That happiness was built on a lie, to be blunt, my happiness was.

That he deceived you about being married early was a big betrayal. That his actions are clearly showing no real efforts to get divorced while treating you like you are engaged to marry him is also a big problem. This latest wrinkle... .I really don't see how it changes anything important. He's still not moving forward on his divorce, but he wasn't before.

He is moving forward on this divorce. That is different. I'm dealing with past feelings, that I built this whole relationship with this man and invited everyone else into it and it was built on false pretenses. See what I wrote above about being a handsome couple, looking happy when I am with him, having a physical attraction to him. He is a good looking man, other women in my parish told me as much, even married women. I've seen how other women look at him. I don't think he's disloyal or unfaithful to me. I don't think he was in love with his wife. I don't think he was cheating on me.

What I have a problem is total denial he has any BPD traits at all and yet he lives his life according  to the feelings are facts trait.

[Skip]

Put simply, I think... .

His divorce is completely/ultimately his responsibility.  

I think your business is:

Coping with your feelings independent of him

Maintaining clarity and consistency with your boundaries in regards to his marriage/divorce.

I think this to.

Unicorn,

DEARMAN is not the tool. Radical acceptance is. Here are Marsha Linehan's own words:

I once had this job - I was a clerk typist for a big insurance company.  But, I really wanted to be a social worker.  So I applied for a new job. I went to an employment agency and I asked them to help me get a new job and I told them I wanted a job in social work. So, they got me a job in social work.  So I gave notice to the job that I had, which was a really good job in the sense that the people were fabulous and I got paid at least enough to live on. And I gave them notice, I quit that job and I went to the social work job.

I was so excited I cannot even begin to tell you how excited I was.  Ah! I've got a job in social work! So I went in, so the first day, you know you have to do training and stuff, so what did they have me do?  Well, they had me typing. So I typed all day and I was thinking, 'Oh well, it's not so terrible, I'm not going to have to keep typing'.

But the second day, what did they have me do?  I was typing again. So I went and talked to my supervisor and I said, 'Well, when am I going to get to do the social work?'  She said 'What do you mean?'  I said, 'Well, I mean when do I get to do something like social work work?'  She said, 'What do you mean?  Your job is typing.'

And the first thing that went through my mind was that 'No, that is not true.  I took a job with a social work agency.  This can't be true.'

And I actually thought of staying. I thought of staying and trying to make it into a social work job. That would be denying reality.  Because the facts of the matter are, it really was a typing job.  So what are my options? Well, I could have stayed miserable, I could have gotten hysterical. I could have stayed there, fought, told them that they should make it into social work, how mean they were for not doing that. I could have done a lot of things.

My other option was just to accept this was not a social work job. I made a mistake.  I needed to correct the mistake. And the way to correct that mistake? Well, it was to get another job. So, that's just what I did.  When my next break came, I called the employment agency; I told them I'd made a mistake. I needed another job. They said fine, they looked for it.  It took two weeks but I found another job.  I was a lot happier.

Now think about your own life. What is the reality that you are denying?  What are you not accepting for what it is?

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=90041

As painful as this is, and I know it is, you have to completely (radically) accept the reality before you and stop living your life based on a reality that doesn't exists.

Your partner does not want to get divorced now and is only telling you what you want to hear in an effort to pacify you.

This is your reality.  The divorce is like Marsh Linehan's social work expectations.

You need to process this reality as others are saying.

What he is showing you is that he really, really wants you in this role you are in. He is willing to send you money, befriend your dad, coach your daughter, etc. He wants you to be occupy this role. He really wants it.

He is also showing that he will deceive you to try keep you in that role.  Its not one deception, or two, or five - it's years of deceiving you on this. Why? Because if he tells the truth, it has a price. He even told you this. I didn't tell you because you would... .

Confrontations, manipulations, holding back on Facetime, holding your breath, putting rings in the drawer... .its not going to change this.  It is just emotionally abusive.

It's time to see and accept your reality - stop trying to change it  - decide how to live with it. That can be continuing on. It can be waiting on him. It can be moving on.

Beating a goose will never make it a Swan. Its just torturing the goose.

[unicorn2014]

The anger you describe feeling about the new information you found out is what sunflower is referring to as 'being triggered.'

What you are feeling belongs either in therapy or being processed internally by you. Until you are able to work through your anger around this, it serves no purpose addressing your bf.

Fair enough, so how to fake nice, bright and polite with him until I work through my anger around this? He has no idea I am feeling angry today. So I've done my job so far. I posted here before talking to him and I still haven't talked to him.

[thefixermom]

I think the anger may be displaced.  In other words, it could be that you are angry with yourself (for all the time invested and ignoring the signs?) and putting it on him (for being who he was all along). 

[unicorn2014]

Your partner does not want to get divorced now and is only telling you what you want to hear in an effort to pacify you.

He is actively working on his divorce now. In fact I posit that that is why I am finally able to feel my initial betrayal, because there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

He is also showing that he has no intention of being honest with you. He will deceive you to try keep you in that role.  Its not one deception, or two, or five - it's years of deceiving you on this. Why? Because if he tells the truth, it has a price.

Fair enough on the years of deceiving me, after all it was I found out last September that started this whole process of taking a step back from the relationship starting with telling him he couldn't come see me for Thanksgiving last year.

Confrontations, manipulations, holding back on Facetime, holding your breath, putting rings in the drawer... .its not going to change this.  It is just emotionally abusive.

Ok, I haven't confronted him yet today, I came here first.

It's time to see the accept your reality - stop trying to change it  - decide how to live with it. That can be continuing on. It can be waiting on him. It can be moving on.

Ok I get it. That's what I'm working on. That information I got on the legal board was new information for me because it proves that there was murkiness going on, deliberate or not.

Beating a goose will never make it a Swan. Its just torturing the goose.

I understand that in this case the goose is the murkiness. He told me he was murky because he was a water sign, he is a Cancer, and he told me he knew he had to clear that up because I am a Leo and we have no patience for murkiness.

He's right.

Put simply, I think... .

His divorce is completely/ultimately his responsibility. 

I think your business is:

Coping with your feelings independent of him

Maintaining clarity and consistency with your boundaries in regards to his marriage/divorce.

Ok, I get it and I agree, and I need help coping with these feelings because they are overwhelming.

[Sunfl0wer]

I think it is a good idea to take care of your feelings of anger before engaging with him.  It sounds like you may be trying to do this.

I am not sure what to suggest here.  The link on mindfulness sweetheart provided looks quite helpful.

Sometimes when I feel triggered, I find help using 'urge surfing.'  I read about it in relation to a person trying to quit drinking, but it can be a helpful tool to cope with uncomfortable feelings no matter what their source.

www.mymindfulnesspractice.com/urge-surfing-mindfulness/

[sweetheart]

Being mindful and just being with how you feel, will allow that angry feeling to come and go within you. Difficult emotions do feel like they will overwhelm you, try and think of your anger like a wave that will eventually wash to the shore.

When you are ready and feeling less angry, as the feeling decreases within you, and it will, then just resume your usual routine with your bf.

Eventually if you follow the process the leads you to a wise mind it will help you reach a place of acceptance.

It is the journey between being triggered and acceptance that is the hardest part to navigate. It is about learning to self soothe.