3 year and 3 months out.

[sfbayjed]

I haven't been on here in a long time. I was very emeshed in a dysfunctional relationship. My ex was clearly BPD and very hurtful. When she "switched" she would want to completely destroy my life and seemed completely oblivious to the gravity of what she was doing. We also had our good time, which is why it was confusing and kind of like an addiction in a way.

Perhaps some of you remember. It has been awhile. I just wanted to post to possibly give some hope to those that are still "in country".   MY divorce was final after 3 years, finally. I had our kids the majority of the time for the first couple of years and now it is 50/50.  I was falsely accused of battery many times during our  two decades together. I also was a nice guy and took the deal so I have misdemeanors for things I didn't do. My ex became abusive physically as well as mentally to both the kids and I toward the end of the marriage, which is why I had my kids at first most of the time. I had PTSD, major stress, anxiety and very low self-esteem. I had no confidence in myself that I would be able to make it on my own.

Well now more than 3 years later, I am doing so much better, I have my own place, a decent job and peace of mind for the most part.

I have quality time with my kids when they are with me and I enjoy the time to myself now. It seems that the kids relationship with their mother has also improved. The kids are way happier.

I have decided that I do not want to be in a relationship. I have been dating several different women and enjoying that a lot. First red flag and I don't talk to them anymore. There are women everywhere. Why did I not notice that before?  I have an awesome dog, I am reconnecting with my old friends and with family. Life is good again.  I am getting to know myself again and  realizing that I am a pretty cool guy. It amazes me now that I let this one other human have such a big effect on me when no one else was saying anything bad to me.

Well I wont ramble on too much.  If you are reading this. If I got through it, you WILL too. I wake up a few minutes early everyday and sit and think about how thankful I am that I am alive, free (not in prison for something I didn't do) and I have a good relationship with my kids.

Thanks for reading.   

[livednlearned]

hey friend! I remember your story well, and it brought a smile to my face to hear how well things are going for you. It did seem like you were in some pretty dark and stormy waters there, and suffered a lot of abuse. I always knew you were a pretty cool guy  so I'm glad you figured that out. Congratulations on finding a decent job and your own place. Being in a BPD relationship made me grateful for the simplest things, like walking through my front door and hearing only peace and quiet.

Also great to hear that the kids are going much better.   

You realize that when you say you don't want to be in a relationship, someone great shows up, right? That's how it worked for me. My current SO literally walked into my life when we were out walking our dogs. I did the whole "need to go slow thing" for 3 whole years and somehow we are now building a house together and planning to move in next summer. I can only just shake my head. Five years ago I was in a leaky boat in stormy waters with broken oars and no life jackets. Now I'm picking out counter tops and light fixtures with a really great guy 

So glad to hear things are going well for you.

[ForeverDad]

Oh yes, never forgotten!

Strange, isn't it, how we look back and see that how we were painted by our ex-spouses was so very impacting and yet so very wrong?  Time, good boundaries, good support, that and more helps us get better perceptive on ourselves, our parenting and our lives.

As for another relationship, you've wouldn't have been ready before, you were still in the midst of chaos, any relationship would have been invaded and overshadowed by the Ex.  We often remind newcomers that it's not healthy to immediately jump into a rebound relationship.  With time and space, you've got a better perspective — and the frequent topic isn't about your Ex!