Counseling for her

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I think I mentioned this before but a few weeks ago she said she about checked into a mental hospital. She had a lot go on over the holidays (ex denied her seeing the kids for the week after Christmas. Girl she moved in with didn't want her mother and step father to come visit then either, dealing with tfact she can't afford to live on her own, etc).

Anyhow, when she moved out seven weeks ago i offered to pay for some sessions for her of counseling. At the time she didn't take me up on it.

so after she said she about checked info hospital (which I don't know if it was for effect or to manipulate me or if she was serious. But given the tough holiday, may have been somewhat serious).

Last week I asked again are you serious About the counseling.  And she said yes still. Well the counselor isn't Available till Wednesday of the upcoming week and I was going to talk to her first. Then after our conversation I am going to contact my ex via email and let her know ball is in court to schedule appointment herself and If she does to let me know so I can make arrangements.

Yes I know she likely needs years of therapy.  And I don't think she will go beyond a few times. And BPD may not even be part of the reason she wants to go. She likely doesn't suspect or believe she has it. 

Do you all think I should help her out with some counseling.  How could that be a bad thing? 

Well, as you all know I've done awful with no contact. But I'm trying it again and this time am determined to make it stick. So this flies in the face of no contact. But it would be limited contact only to talk about counseling.

[Scopikaz]

I think I mentioned this before but a few weeks ago she said she about checked into a mental hospital. She had a lot go on over the holidays (ex denied her seeing the kids for the week after Christmas. Girl she moved in with didn't want her mother and step father to come visit then either, dealing with tfact she can't afford to live on her own, etc).

Anyhow, when she moved out seven weeks ago i offered to pay for some sessions for her of counseling. At the time she didn't take me up on it.

so after she said she about checked info hospital (which I don't know if it was for effect or to manipulate me or if she was serious. But given the tough holiday, may have been somewhat serious).

Last week I asked again are you serious About the counseling.  And she said yes still. Well the counselor isn't Available till Wednesday of the upcoming week and I was going to talk to her first. Then after our conversation I am going to contact my ex via email and let her know ball is in court to schedule appointment herself and If she does to let me know so I can make arrangements.

Yes I know she likely needs years of therapy.  And I don't think she will go beyond a few times. And BPD may not even be part of the reason she wants to go. She likely doesn't suspect or believe she has it. 

Do you all think I should help her out with some counseling.  How could that be a bad thing? 

Well, as you all know I've done awful with no contact. But I'm trying it again and this time am determined to make it stick. So this flies in the face of no contact. But it would be limited contact only to talk about counseling.

[Lonely_Astro]

NC isn't rigid.  It's like a diet.  Having contact with them is ok, in moderation.  NC is for us, not for them.  I had originally set out 2 months of NC with my ex to allow that time/distance to let me heal.  I haven't stuck with that because I'm an adult and ran into her.  I wasn't going to ignore her like a child.  We had two brief conversations after that encounter that resulted in us not speaking again.  Neither of which I feel were my fault, but hey, that is what it is.

I have said to you before that you shouldn't pay for anything for her.  It's admirable you want to see her get help.  BUT, she doesn't need counseling.  She needs serious therapy if she is truly Cluster B.  It isn't short term and it isn't cheap.  Plus, her going doesn't ensure success.  I know exactly what you're thinking: if it makes her better, it's worth it.  Theres just one problem: she has to do the work.  Will she?  Maybe, maybe not.  There is a member on here that stayed with her husband for years of DBT therapy only to be discarded because DBT didn't truly help him.  It happens.

In the end, no one but you can make the decision you're asking about: to pay for her therapy.  J once told me what she was paying for DBT.  Per month, it's a mortgage payment.  I understand everyones finances (and insurance) is different, but thats a huge burden to put on yourself for someone else that isn't family.  Honestly and bluntly, if you want to donate money to help those less fortunate, there are plenty of local charities out there that the money would be better spent on.  Im not saying BPDs aren't people or worth it.  What I am saying is you would KNOW your contribution is making a difference, not just a 'maybe'.

Sorry if I seem bitter.  I am.  I stuck with J for the beginning of DBT, which had not made any impact on her (and - if she's still going which I doubt -) and still hasn't from what I have witnessed and I know.  But, I also fill grounded.  Let her help herself.  She'll either thank you for it later or it won't matter to you, later.