divorce and BPD

[pintofguiness]

How best to acheive this goal and minimize the fall out?

[Turkish]

Can you give us a bit of background? Are you physically separated or safe? Are there kids involved? Is the divorce in process? We'd love to help 

[Moselle]

Hi pintofguinness,

Let me join Turkish in welcoming you here. 

You've come to the right place.

[livednlearned]

Hi pintofguiness,

Hello and welcome 

There is a lot of collective wisdom here about how to navigate a divorce when one partner has BPD. You're not alone, many of us understand the deep fatigue and chronic conflict that can go with these relationships.

How can we support you? Have things escalated recently?

One bit of advice is to not mention divorce at the moment. That rarely goes over well   It's best to gather information and put together a careful strategy.

We're here for you. Lean on us.

LnL

[scraps66]

One tip would be to prepare for the worst, and/or a long battle not assuming anything will be easy.  Then, forge a plan to make the closure as swift and decisive as is possible.  Use excessive force if necessary.  Looking back, I would have opened fire with both barrels from the start in a strategically planned fashion.  Now, my "plan" was constricted when I was booted from the marital residence immediately giving me $3000 in additional monthly expenses.  This is what I got using my first attorney's approach of "wait and see."  I learned that waiting is a way of giving up control.

Read up on BPD.     

[SamwizeGamgee]

Pint - ten points for making a succinct post that gets to the crux of our dilemma!

From my observation, just as there is no standard in BPD sufferer, there is no standard divorce from a BPD.  The generalizations of BPD include "Witch" "Queen" "Waif" and I'm sure a collection of other generalizations.

Although BPD brings a lot of commonalities with it, it can express itself differently.  You will be the best judge of how to minimize the pain, fallout, and total destruction that ensues.  Also, it takes two to tango.  In your divorce must you get everything you are entitled to, or are you willing to cut your losses take a bad deal, just to be done with it?

If you've been married for a long time you might already know your answer based on how your spouse acts in crisis.

In my case, I know that I need to make changes and introduce ideas over a long period of time.  I've done things like cut down expenses before cutting them off, gradually become more and more boring so as to not feed conflict, I've become more and more distant emotionally.  On this track it will already feel like we're separated before I file, if I do.  I'm also stashing money and sentimental items off-site for safekeeping.

[pintofguiness]

Firstly, many thanks to everyone who has replied. Maybe I was too succinct! So, some background as requested (by 'Turkish' :-

1) Are you physically separated or safe? - no, we currently share a house

2) Are there kids involved?-  we have 2. Both grown up now, but elder one is very dependent as she is physically disabled and suffers from schizophrenia (which, I know, makes everything much more complex and painful)

3) Is the divorce in process? - no

Some of the things you say have really amazed and consoled me - as I used to feel that I was the only person going trough this and having so many difficult things to think about.  e.g.  SamwizeGamgee says 'gradually become more and more boring so as to not feed conflict, I've become more and more distant emotionally'. Well, amazingly, I've tried these things as well. I think of them as my 'masks'.

A couple of months back,though, she lost a parent and, from there, her behaviour has spiralled. She's angry with the whole world  and I've found it really difficult to keep on all the 'masks' I'd crafted as a self-defence.

Anyway, I'm heeding the good advice here and trying not to do anything until I have really thought through my exact steps and strategy.

Question to you all. Do you also find that you have to develop all sorts of strategies, techniques etc to deal with a BPD partner? For years I thought I'd just try and be a good and honest person and that would be enough... .sadly, I learned what a foolish strategy that was.

Anyhow, must stop writing now as I'm exhausted/sleepy and need to be up soon to attend to my daughter. Thank you all once more!

[livednlearned]

That has to be so challenging to have a child with special needs on top of everything else you're dealing with in your marriage. What is their relationship like?

What are some of the behaviors giving you the most difficulty?

Do you also find that you have to develop all sorts of strategies, techniques etc to deal with a BPD partner? For years I thought I'd just try and be a good and honest person and that would be enough... .sadly, I learned what a foolish strategy that was.

Yes!

There are different degrees of severity with BPD -- Bill Eddy (author of Splitting: Protecting Yourself When Divorcing a BPD/NPD Spouse) describes them as: generally cooperative, not dangerous; not cooperative, not dangerous; and not cooperative, dangerous. How would you describe your BPD?

It takes a lot of strength to not be emotionally injured by a partner with BPD. The first strategy in a BPD marriage is to make sure you take care of yourself. Your health and well-being has to matter, otherwise it's easy to become a shell of the person you once were. And this is not a good state to be in with someone who is BPD. When you are feeling emotionally resilient, it's possible to use skills like validation and SET (support, empathy, truth). These are communication skills that validate (accept and acknowledge) how someone feels, without necessarily agreeing with what is being said. For people with BPD, feelings = facts. Many of us try to engage the truth of the statement (calling JADE -- justify, argue, defend, explain) which, to someone with BPD, feels like invalidation. Feeling invalidated, the person with BPD is more likely to escalate the bad behavior in order to get some kind of validation, even if its negative.

The best place to learn these skills and get support from members who are trying to apply them is on the Improving a Relationship with a BPD Partner board. Have you peeked in over there? No matter what you decide to do (stay or leave), the skills and lessons can help dial down the conflict so that you can think more clearly -- when we're in high stress, it's hard to do that.

[SamwizeGamgee]

Good advice here. Thanks.  And yes, although it seems horribly unfair, we, as victims, have to adapt and learn, and be much better than your average Joe. 

No matter where your life takes you, by divorcing, staying, getting treatment, you will only be benefited by learning as much as you can about BPD.  Also note that since you have kids, you will always have a connection to your the kids' other parent.  Therefore some method of relating is required.

Not that it will work for you, I have made my life easier by just getting to the acceptance that my hopes and dreams for a marriage I want is simply gone. 

[pintofguiness]

Many thanks to everyone who has taken the time to write and offer advice and encouragement - it is really appreciated.

I hope you all understand but, today, my head feels like it's been spun and hit around, so I just can't get any words that make sense. My daughter (who is disabled and has schizophrenia) is going thru a bad relapse.  I know it's an illness that has relapses but, on top of everything else, and as weak/useless as this might sound, I feel like I am in a never ending storm and my nerves are not coping with it.

I try and remember the better times, but to no avail. I keep thinking of things I can 'do'  - but am overcome by a sense of futility.

Sorry for not being a little bit more positive in this post, but maybe some of you have also had these sort of days of utter sadness and exhaustion? (best words I can find now to describe the state I'm in - inadequate and incoherent as they are).

[Moselle]

PintofGuinness.

Hang in there. We all have days like this. It gets better

Can you get a good night's rest? That helps me alot to bounce back the next day.

Have you got someone who can give you some support?