Good or bad?

[Davy]

Dont think I have any options in showing her I have the strength? Other than not reaching out myself.

What I dont get is that she just doesnt break up with me if she does not want to be with me.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[patientandclear]

Seems to me she's told you quite a few times that it is (ironically) not that black and white for her.  She sort of does want to be with you, but even contemplating that makes her feel bad.  What works for her for the time being is to be in a vaguely defined middle state, neither together nor with the relationship definitively closed.  Only you can decide whether and for how long that works for you.  I spent more than a year in a situation like that with my ex.  It was enjoyable and definitely worth it for me ... .until he suddenly moved to the other side of the country and started dating someone else, basically making moves that were consistent with the formal terms of our r/ship (no stated commitment) but to me, not consistent with our actual degree of closeness.  But that was my ex.  Yours might head in a different direction.

Point is, what she is doing makes sense if you understand that she neither wants to definitely lose you nor to commit to the r/ship, and that the bad feelings preventing the latter are involuntary and not something she knows how to manage or prevent.

[Davy]

Wow a year you say.

I'm not planning on letting this drag out for an entire year. I cant put a time on it but I need some indication that its going somewhere otherwise I cant stick around as a lover.

Maybe a friend if that is possible at all.

[MapleBob]

I don't know your ex, Davy, but I know mine, and I went through a lot of similar stuff with her (push/pull, in/out, mixed messages, running, etc)... .I took the wheel for ten months and she would continually shoot out the tires before we could get anywhere stable. I'm not saying that the same thing will necessarily happen to you, but I would exercise caution and detachment. Your best move here is probably the hardest move, but it's the strongest move (and the move I wish I had made): one last message, where you tell her that you love her and that you'll be there in whatever way she needs you to be whenever she's ready to reach out to you. Then you stop contacting her. Don't explain it to her, make it clear that you're not abandoning the relationship, but that this isn't working for you (because it's not!).

Then post here A LOT. And learn.

For you to know for you: people who genuinely want to be close to you and know you will hand you golden opportunities to show up and let them know you. They WILL NOT continually cancel plans, refuse to reply to text messages, or go into no contact with you for weeks on end.

[Davy]

Well that is kinda what i'm doing I think

I'm not sending a last text, she already knows I love her and am here for her but I plan on not contacting her for at least 2 weeks if I can stay strong

And then just a simple "Hi how are you" see how/if she reacts.

After that a last text for her birthday end of februari.

If by then there is no improvement I will never contact her again (I'll try anyway)

[Turkish]

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