Did you sense how it was all going to end?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Were you totally suprised when your ex pwBPD cheated on you or that they broke up with you? Or on the other hand did you just sense that it was coming and would be a matter of time till it was going to happen?

Just a bit curious. I don't think that at the start of most relationships the average person thinks bad future things are going to happen. So my question is only regarding the middle to the near end part of your relationship time period.

I don't believe I was cheated on but she deserted our marriage. Even though the end of the marriage was close to a horror show I was suprised at the time that she deserted. I actually thought at that point that she still loved me.

[AwakenedOne]

Were you totally suprised when your ex pwBPD cheated on you or that they broke up with you? Or on the other hand did you just sense that it was coming and would be a matter of time till it was going to happen?

Just a bit curious. I don't think that at the start of most relationships the average person thinks bad future things are going to happen. So my question is only regarding the middle to the near end part of your relationship time period.

I don't believe I was cheated on but she deserted our marriage. Even though the end of the marriage was close to a horror show I was suprised at the time that she deserted. I actually thought at that point that she still loved me.

[Scopikaz]

We had our issues for sure. I brought out her jeslousies and insecurities unfortunately early on. But at the time she actually left I really thought things were ok.  I mean up until the end she seemed to still crave and desire my love and attention.  Or so I thought.  But I was feeling angst about some differences and wondering if we were on the same page that last week in particular. But still i never thought she'd leave.

[Rmbrworst]

I had no clue it was going to happen.  110% blind sided.  In absolute shock.  My friends were also in absolute shock.

The day before I was discarded he was so happy and making tons of plans with me for the future. 

Definitely not normal behavior.  Someone who is thinking of leaving would not be making big plans and then dump you 8 hours later.

I'm still reeling from it.

[mywifecrazy]

Married 18Yrs had absolutely no idea what was going on when I caught her in affair with my neighbor... .NO IDEA! My 2 sons and I were totally blindsided. She kissed me and told me she loved me the day I caught her. My uBPDxw was/is the Waif type. The Silent assassin is the way a I heard the Waif described on a thread. It rings true in my case. Found out after the fact that there were other affairs and many distortion campaigns smearing me throughout our 18yr marriage. She masterfully kept that all hidden until the day I caught her and her house of cards started to collapse.

She abandoned my sons and I the day she was caught. Never to return to our house again. So to answer your question Yes I was TOTALLY SURPRISED.

MWC... .

[Confused108]

I myself was shocked and then I wasn't. I had no idea my ex was BPD. She was disangosed Bipolar at 14yo. She was my first love . My mom broke us up and my ex when I tried to get back with her at first loved me then didn't then back and forth again u til she just  didn't want it. Period. I found out she ended up a few months later and went into a mental hospital. I never herd from her again. Up until Feb of 2013 she found me on FB sent me a friends request and then patiently waited until I took her commons last June. She would "test me" this I later found out bc of how her actions never led up to being bipolar. Instead I found out about BPD and there she was.  She would say I'm not interested anymore. Then she loved me again. Ten you belong with someone else not me. Then she  wanted me again. She pulled this a few times. Then it went to  we had a slight disagreement and she need space and time. Then it would be take care of yourself. That to me is a goodbye. But according to her that's. It what she ment. Well again after another small fight and I mean small she just sent me a email and said she found that we are not compatible blah blah all lies. She herself would tell me all the time just how compatible we were. And she tried to put the whole blam on me. I ran after her . I came on to  her . All lies. So a shock and not . Just pure craziness.

[ajr5679]

Yes I knew because we have did the same thing three times now.

[once removed]

did i sense the way it would end? definitely not. i have to imagine i would have left, though i dont regret how it ended.

i did sense that it would end, that it couldnt work, and i dismissed that as just weird random thoughts.

was i totally surprised by how it ended? yes and no. i had a buddy in high school with a very dependent and obsessive girlfriend, who wound up cheating on him. youd have thought she was incapable of even being attracted to anyone else. that changed my perspective. my ex was much the same. i was surprised at the extent of the cheating, i was surprised at the obvious signs i ignored, and i was surprised that it went even beyond those signs. when i discovered it, it was a shock to my system, but accompanied with the thought of "yeah, that kinda figures."

i was also surprised that someone who had been so dependent on me so easily walked away. though i dismissed it with "well we are meant for each other anyway", i had picked someone i thought was incapable of walking away, a valuable insight into myself 

[blissful_camper]

Not at first. But when he shared how his previous relationships ended, I guessed that ours would probably end in a similar way. History tended to repeat itself in his relationships. Similar patterns, issues, and endings. There was little deviation from that ending-pattern when our r/s was over.

[Larmoyant]

I sensed it was going to end. The first year I thought he would find a new girlfriend because he was on dating sites and during the “off again” periods he would date others. That didn’t happen and I eventually tried to set some boundaries saying he had to go off all dating sites. However, I still sensed it was all going to end eventually. The push/pull game, and various statements seemingly out of nowhere threatening the stability of the relationship had me on tenterhooks and concerned whether we would make it. The whole relationship was built on insecurity and fear, his at the beginning, but I think I caught BPD fleas in the end. Always fearful that today would be the day especially when I could no longer tolerate his rages and would flee as quickly as I could. I thought he would eventually push me too far and that's what has happened. I've ended it. Now I'm just hoping I am strong enough not to go back again.

[Lonely_Astro]

I knew the odds were stacked against us from the start:

1) she is diagnosed BPD

2) started as an affair

3) second go around (after 3 years NC)

While I had hoped against hope that together we could make it work and after a year of me giving it my all, she abandoned me because she got to "overwhelmed" with life toward the end.

My head knows that ending it was the best thing, my heart doesnt yet.  I miss her every day.  Not the anxiety, the ST, the waifing.  No, but I do miss her companionship.  Her laugh, her smile.  The way we used to talk about everything and nothing at the same time.  Watching her eat lunch.  Those things.

I had hoped it would be different this time.  It wasn't.  :'(

[hopealways]

I knew the odds were stacked against us from the start:

1) she is diagnosed BPD

2) started as an affair

3) second go around (after 3 years NC)

While I had hoped against hope that together we could make it work and after a year of me giving it my all, she abandoned me because she got to "overwhelmed" with life toward the end.

My head knows that ending it was the best thing, my heart doesnt yet.  I miss her every day.  Not the anxiety, the ST, the waifing.  No, but I do miss her companionship.  Her laugh, her smile.  The way we used to talk about everything and nothing at the same time.  Watching her eat lunch.  Those things.



I had hoped it would be different this time.  It wasn't.  :'(

Behind every non is a heartbroken child. I was heartbroken as a child, each time I came back to my war zone of a home I would think tonite would be different, parents would have made up, I would feel at ease.  Never happened.  But this hope that things will be different is somewhat of a fantasy for me that has carried on into my adult relationships. Completely replicated with my BPDx.  That's why we always take them back right? Because we think this time it will be different.

I knew all along it wouldn't work, that's why I developed anxiety. I couldn't even sleep next to her. Always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Always wondering when her next rage would be, the next silent treatment. Gosh this is no way to live. I knew it would end some day, but she kept coming back! Deep in my heart I knew it was because she had not yet found a suitable replacement, that once she did, she would be off.  So sad these relationships are.

[Lonely_Astro]

Behind every non is a heartbroken child. I was heartbroken as a child, each time I came back to my war zone of a home I would think tonite would be different, parents would have made up, I would feel at ease.  Never happened.  But this hope that things will be different is somewhat of a fantasy for me that has carried on into my adult relationships. Completely replicated with my BPDx.  That's why we always take them back right? Because we think this time it will be different.

I knew all along it wouldn't work, that's why I developed anxiety. I couldn't even sleep next to her. Always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Always wondering when her next rage would be, the next silent treatment. Gosh this is no way to live. I knew it would end some day, but she kept coming back! Deep in my heart I knew it was because she had not yet found a suitable replacement, that once she did, she would be off.  So sad these relationships are.

I thought this was just me.  I always waited in my mind for the other shoe to come crashing down on me at some point.  Whats funny is J said to me that she wanted me as the only person in her life, yet she always had a backup.  I didn't know it at the time, but I have found out that she had her ex husband (M) stringing along, I know she date B for a month in July, and she had R at the end.  All the while, she was keeping me in her pocket.  And here I sit... .wondering what I could've done different or if this is my fault.  Maybe if I were more available, maybe if I had listened more, maybe if I had done this or that.

Yes, these r/s are sad for everyone.  We love them, we want to love them.  We want it to work, we want them to "get it".  Some of us (like me) have to see them move on and (appear at least) see them happy with someone else.  Then we have to face our own shortcomings.

Ugh.  Feelings.

[Turkish]

A year earlier, when she was so adamant about being fixed after our second child rather than me, who am ten years older. I thought,."if I get fixed, maybe she thinks it's easier for me to cheat with no consequenses?" Throughout the r/s, I was in a way told that I would cheat on her, especially when she was pregnant both times.

I never could draw out her core fear, other than, "I don't want to go through that [pregnancy] again." If I were neutered, this wouldn't be an issue. I think at this point I started to feel like she was setting things up to leave me: risk-free sex for her with someone else. I just didn't make any sense... .until it did a year later. That I took care of her for the few days she was recovering (while I took care of then D1 and S3) meant nothing later, like so many other things.

[Euler2718]

The push/pull game, and various statements seemingly out of nowhere threatening the stability of the relationship had me on tenterhooks and concerned whether we would make it.

... .ditto. There were big red flags from the start. Part of me probably sensed doom. But I didn't listen. Here's an example, we went to a pumpkin carving party and later she said she had planned in her head to leave town in a few months (she had a work transfer planned, but we were going to try long distance) and then maybe I would get together with a girl we met at the pumpkin thing. But she said it was just a thought.

Who thinks like this? Like, am I supposed to just grab a new girl off the rack, they're all interchangeable, and there really aren't any feelings that are specific to that person? I can't switch girlfriends at the drop of a hat... .anyway. I tried to deny it all the time but it was difficult.

[AwakenedOne]

I mentioned above that I don't believe I was cheated on but what happened was really in my opinion the same thing as cheating. My wifes mutual fascination with her mom was so sick and weird and at the near end part of our relationship her emotional needs or desires were met by her mom by my wifes choice. Regarding the question of did I sense how it was all going to end? Still the answer is no, because my wife let some weird things slip out of her mouth in which I should of grasped the deeper magnitude of the wrongness or how abnormal the words were though. She told me after she hung out with her mom or family (which was happening in more and more frequent and longer periods of "visits" with them) that they can't supply the ultimate fulfillment need to her and hinted or said that I was the only one who had that potential. This wasn't spoken about in a discussion or conversation, it was just some sentences that flowed out of her a couple or few times. When she said that stuff it was like she was just speaking to herself but the words came out for me to hear like she was talking out loud to herself. So I figured that she wouldn't desert me for her mom.

[thisworld]

No. I knew there were triangulations. I then discovered this e-mail written to one of his exes but had no idea how this would end. My ex had a major rage, lot of violence and two parasuicides -overdoses- in a matter of ten days. The second parasuicide/overdose went very wrong and it was very traumatic for me in its own way. Then some more lower level violence, trying to steal money from me, running away to do more heroin (which isn't his usual pattern) before he went on the bus to go to his hometown (I was the only person he knew in my town and his mother is my friend and has cancer, I wanted him to get on that bus safely for the sake of everyone), which meant having to find him in these slums where this drug is sold - the place was traumatic in itself and dangerous. I never thought these would happen. I experienced and do experience a lot of guilt about what happened as well. It's difficult.   

[woofbarkmeowbeep]

I had no clue it was going to happen.  110% blind sided.  In absolute shock.  My friends were also in absolute shock.

The day before I was discarded he was so happy and making tons of plans with me for the future.  

Definitely not normal behavior.  Someone who is thinking of leaving would not be making big plans and then dump you 8 hours later.

I'm still reeling from it.

This sounds exactly like me.

Everything was great between us. We had the most beautiful conversation prior to her walking out the door because she had to meet with her ex to deal with some official matters. Then he gave her a ride down the road and she had sex with him in the car.

Came back and told me she made a mistake... Totally shocked me.

[thisworld]

I had no clue it was going to happen.  110% blind sided.  In absolute shock.  My friends were also in absolute shock.

The day before I was discarded he was so happy and making tons of plans with me for the future.  

Definitely not normal behavior.  Someone who is thinking of leaving would not be making big plans and then dump you 8 hours later.

I'm still reeling from it.

This sounds exactly like me.

Everything was great between us. We had the most beautiful conversation prior to her walking out the door because she had to meet with her ex to deal with some official matters. Then he gave her a ride down the road and she had sex with him in the car.

Came back and told me she made a mistake... Totally shocked me.

This sounds so difficult. I wish everyone who experienced this strength. I mean I wrote my situation above and it's full of crises but there was a general craziness in it. There wasn't this total shock. There wasn't this abrupt switch from normal to shocking. This must be so difficult to accept. I feel for you.

[woofbarkmeowbeep]

I had no clue it was going to happen.  110% blind sided.  In absolute shock.  My friends were also in absolute shock.

The day before I was discarded he was so happy and making tons of plans with me for the future.  

Definitely not normal behavior.  Someone who is thinking of leaving would not be making big plans and then dump you 8 hours later.

I'm still reeling from it.

This sounds exactly like me.

Everything was great between us. We had the most beautiful conversation prior to her walking out the door because she had to meet with her ex to deal with some official matters. Then he gave her a ride down the road and she had sex with him in the car.

Came back and told me she made a mistake... Totally shocked me.

This sounds so difficult. I wish everyone who experienced this strength. I mean I wrote my situation above and it's full of crises but there was a general craziness in it. There wasn't this total shock. There wasn't this abrupt switch from normal to shocking. This must be so difficult to accept. I feel for you.

Completely shocking, yes... But I decided to be emphatic and forgive her. She said she did it because she didn't want me to abandon her.

A week later she said she needed space and wanted me to leave... went crazy and said she would call the cops etc...

Still heartbroken because she promised so much and convinced me her therapy was working

Ok, off topic now... Anyway... yeah - horrible stuff.

[Infern0]

the first time came as a tremendous shock, we had been going great and she had been talking about all these long term plans for us etc then it all came down.

The second, third, fourth times, it wasn't a shock as i sensed it coming every time.

[woofbarkmeowbeep]

the first time came as a tremendous shock, we had been going great and she had been talking about all these long term plans for us etc then it all came down.

The second, third, fourth times, it wasn't a shock as i sensed it coming every time.

You mean the first time she cheated on you?

And how could you sense it? What were the warning signs?

[blissful_camper]

Woofbark,

I experienced distancing and irritability when his interest was elsewhere. After cheating, strange comments and questions ("should I buy _____ a car?" or "Guess who I ran into at 5am this morning and I gave her a ride home?", attempting to pick fights with me, not accepting my calls, silent treatment. Picking fights may have helped him justify what he'd done and gave him an excuse to return for more.

[Infern0]

the first time came as a tremendous shock, we had been going great and she had been talking about all these long term plans for us etc then it all came down.

The second, third, fourth times, it wasn't a shock as i sensed it coming every time.

You mean the first time she cheated on you?

And how could you sense it? What were the warning signs?

Nah she never cheated on me physically (at least to my knowledge) but she was seeking emotional support from outside the relationship, (triangulation) it struck me over time that a 1-1 relationship wasn't possible for her and she needed to have either a "back-up" or even a female friend triangulated into things.

She even wanted to add another female into our intimate activities, she was almost obsessed with seeing me with another woman, i think it would have eased her attatchment issues.

Warning signs were pretty blatant, taking longer to reply to texts than normal, getting distant, all coming off the back of us getting extremely close or intimate

One occasion we had spent a great night together and she sent me a really nice text the following lunch time when she was at work, I then wrote a very heart-felt kinda soppy text back about how amazing she was, she hadn't text me back an hour later and i joked to myself "now i told her i love her i probably wont hear from her for a week"

it ended up being 5 days.

Cycle always the same, start off slow, chit chat, start to use pet names, start putting xoxo at the end of texts, start hooking up and having fun, get to a certain point, become more intimate, things start to get serious, then she dissapears in a puff of smoke

It's predictable

[UVA2002]

Yes I admit I knew she was trouble. She cheated on me daily n used me there were tons of red flags and it turned out true. Did I assume she would turn out the be a pimped out secret lesbian pill dealing junkie using me for food n drink on the side? Uh no I didn't see that. From rich kid to turned out junkie the sad story of a BPD girl.

[Scopikaz]

Yeah. Mine was married before me. She kept making comments about how a few times they went out with friends to a club or whatever. But he didn't drink much and she felt judged by him. I don't think they went out much. 

Her first husband and I think after her first marriage sounds like she partied a lot. 

So with us we went out on occasion. Towards end we went out with her sister a couple of times to more nightclubs/cougar bars. I didn't like it. Also the week before we left a party with "friends" of hers who though in their 30s and 40s acted more like they were in their 20s.  Sad.

I told her I didn't care for it. A week later she was gone. Though I think she had been planning it for a while.

Now from social media I see she's at singles and sports bars or partying at friends houses probably four or more times a week.   

There's so much more to life than that.  She lost her children to first husband. Married twice. Has next to nothing.  Wouldn't you think stability.  Love.  Family.  That  these  things would eventually become more important or more of a priority than hanging out with people with no sense of direction in life.   

[GreenEyedMonster]

Yes, absolutely, I knew almost exactly how it would end.

I knew my ex was a very volatile person even before we began dating.  I learned quickly that he delivered irreversible judgments, swift and without ever looking back.  I knew that all I had to do was cross him once and I'd be on the dark side.  For me, I just saw it as a matter of time before something would trigger him.  I told him this once and he laughed.

I figured it would be something to do with my ex-fiancé, a previous relationship I had had, but that wasn't it, in the long run.

I now think my ex is more of a narcissist, and his "judgments" are actually narcissistic rage, an attempt to make anyone who belittles him feel inferior.  Through the whole relationship, I felt terrified to even ask for the tiniest changes in his behavior to accommodate me, because that's when he would rage at me and call me "childish" or some other insult.  This had happened enough times that I knew there would be a big blowout.

Fortunately for me, this meant I didn't get too attached to him.

[Invictus01]

Nope, had no idea. We never once had an argument or a disagreement. It was absolutely out of nowhere. For my friends too. They wanted to confront her over it, I told them not to bother.

[thisagain]

My relationship ended shortly after a big move, and I definitely sensed it would. After living together for 2 years I moved to one place for work, and my ex moved to another place for school. It was a boundary of mine not to plan my career around her because her plans and commitment to our relationship were unstable -- so I took my dream job even though I knew she wouldn't be able to follow.

Going into the move, I had a feeling the relationship was doomed because of her abandonment fear and fidelity issues. She couldn't even handle spending a night apart, and often got scared that I'd decide to break up with her just while I was in the shower. I also figured she'd meet someone at school to develop an inappropriately close relationship with, bait me, accuse me of being controlling and not letting her have friends, etc.

All of that ended up coming true. But I definitely didn't anticipate the way in which her abandonment fear blew things up. She lied to a doctor about having a life-altering genetic illness WHICH I HAVE AND SHE DOESN'T. Then made all sorts of drama about it - me not believing her, not supporting her when she's scared about needing surgery or dying young, etc. Looking back it's consistent with her patterns throughout the relationship, but at the time it completely blindsided me.

Looking back, I'm not sure I ever really believed that we'd stay together after the move, get married, have a home and family, etc... .It all feels like a bad dream now.

[unicorn2014]

The push/pull game, and various statements seemingly out of nowhere threatening the stability of the relationship had me on tenterhooks and concerned whether we would make it.

... .ditto. There were big red flags from the start. Part of me probably sensed doom. But I didn't listen. Here's an example, we went to a pumpkin carving party and later she said she had planned in her head to leave town in a few months (she had a work transfer planned, but we were going to try long distance) and then maybe I would get together with a girl we met at the pumpkin thing. But she said it was just a thought.

Who thinks like this? Like, am I supposed to just grab a new girl off the rack, they're all interchangeable, and there really aren't any feelings that are specific to that person? I can't switch girlfriends at the drop of a hat... .anyway. I tried to deny it all the time but it was difficult.

Thanks for this it made me laugh.

[unicorn2014]

Yes, absolutely, I knew almost exactly how it would end.

I knew my ex was a very volatile person even before we began dating.  I learned quickly that he delivered irreversible judgments, swift and without ever looking back.  I knew that all I had to do was cross him once and I'd be on the dark side.  For me, I just saw it as a matter of time before something would trigger him.  I told him this once and he laughed.

I figured it would be something to do with my ex-fiancé, a previous relationship I had had, but that wasn't it, in the long run.

I now think my ex is more of a narcissist, and his "judgments" are actually narcissistic rage, an attempt to make anyone who belittles him feel inferior.  Through the whole relationship, I felt terrified to even ask for the tiniest changes in his behavior to accommodate me, because that's when he would rage at me and call me "childish" or some other insult.  This had happened enough times that I knew there would be a big blowout.

Yeah, that's what I was thinking too, that sounds more like a narcissist. I'm glad you caught on to that!  I don't think you're the only one who's dealing with a narcissist on this thread either.

[burritoman]

Nope. Wasn't expecting it at all, but looking back on the last couple of months the signs were there, mostly that she was lining up another guy. The last time she came up by me (we live 2 hours apart) we had a really great 3-4 days. We were talking, laughing, grabbed a nice dinner together. She even bought me a gift in that time. The last night she very sweetly asked me to tuck her in (like a child), and as usual I gave her a nice kiss goodnight. We grabbed lunch the next day before she went home. All that week we talked, never argued (surprising). That weekend was Halloween, and she even sent me photos of her in her costume before going to work (she's a waitress). After that night I stopped hearing from her, claiming she was sick, and the following Saturday she broke it off by phone. I called her out on the previous week, and she said "I wasn't happy." Nonsense. Totally unexpected.

[UserName69]

I knew it was going to happen, we had a fight at the second date and later we had them almost every week. It didn't took too long before I figured out that something was wrong with her instead of confessing it she blamed everything on me. When I found out about BPD I became very happy because I knew it wasn't me but her.

Thinking back on how the RS went, with an unstable person like my exBPDgf it is just impossible to start a serious relation with.

[Crazytoo]

I felt so strange in the end, like in a different reality. I should have been so happy because everything was so perfect, we were a dream team.

We had one very intimate moment of emotional closeness, that i haven't experienced before with anybody else and since then it was strange. I started telling myself "I can't believe this, this isn't real, oh I hope i'm not destroying eveything. Don't break it, don't break it, don't break it"

And then it broke.

[Pretty Woman]

Was I surprised HOW it ended? No, not really. She had left me several times for others during our relationship…there were just “obstacles” that led to her not being able to STAY with the people she left me for. The first was an ex…three states away. The 2nd was a woman who wasn’t interested in a relationship with her. She wanted to fool around, “experiment” if you will, but wanted to continue dating men.

The person she finally left me for lives a mile from us and had just been dumped by a woman twenty years older than her. Very co-d and even told us that. This was an IDEAL target for my ex. She wants someone to cling to her that is easy to manipulate and control.

I lost over 100lbs this year (surgery) and as I lost my confidence grew. She was very insecure I would leave her and to be honest, after three years of her leaving and putting me through hell I was looking at that quite seriously. My ego is what is getting me here. I lost. But what did I lose? I wasn’t happy and she treated me horribly. There was no possibility of a future. She can’t afford ANYTHING. She is massively in debt and we don’t even have the same interests.

More removed from the situation I see this now. It’s still hard to accept sometimes but I see it clearly and see my own hang ups as well which I am actively working on fixing.


PW