Narcissism?

[Shell Shocked]

Is anyone else dealing with this? 

My daughter is not officially diagnosed with BPD but her psychiatrist thinks she has many of the symptoms.  All her psych testing came back with was ODD and strong levels of narcissism.  Her psych hesitates to label her because personalities can mature and change and he doesn't want to get wrapped up in those labels.

Well that is great, except that she is 17 and is spiraling out of control.  She has gotten progressively worse over the last year and while she comes out of therapy in a good mood - her behaviors have gotten worse.  I am at a loss on what to do.  She often does not come home, she was spending the night at her boyfriend's house (both are 17 and still in high school) until I called his mother and she put the kibosh on that.  (He lives with his father and older brother who do not really pay attention).

I have asked for 4 simple rules in our home: 1. Clean up after yourself   2.  Go to school   3.  Come home at curfew (9 on school nights and 11 on weekends) and 4. Do not swear at me or in front of your younger siblings.  She cannot manage one of them.  There are dirty dishes, food, and garbage all over her room.  If she actually goes to school, she is more than an hour late daily.  She is late EVERY night.  She continues to use bd language in my home and around her sisters.

I have tried being tough and locking the door at curfew - she just slept at boyfriend's house.  I have tried offering incentives like we will pay for her phone to be turned back on and pay the bill if she follows the rules and helps out around the house.  Nothing seems to work. She is determined to break all rules and show us who is really in charge around here.

She has a gifted IQ and is very bright but she is failing classes, completing college applications for schools are that not at all attainable, and has no plan for her future.  She seems to think that she is going to college next year and tells me all the time she is leaving my house as soon as she is 18.  However, she is doing nothing to make this happen.  She has no license (we paid for driver's ed - she hasn't gone), no car, no job, and right now it is not looking good for any colleges to accept her.  To be quite honest, I have stopped pushing college the idea of college because there is no way she is emotionally ready to succeed.   

I love her and I care what happens to her, but I also cannot continue to live like this.  I am pregnant and have several other young children to care for.  We have been sacrificing our lives to provide her with anything she needed (or we thought would help her) for years.  I have spent hours driving to special school programs, we have spent 10's of thousands of dollars on private school tuition, we have paid for her to do sports and tried to give her any advantage to succeed in life.  Currently I had to cancel music lessons for my younger children because we can't afford it - yet we are paying $160 a week for her therapist (and she is acting worse) and we paid for her track team fees and her driver's ed that she doesn't attend, etc... .

She tells everyone how horrible we are and how strict and mean we are.  She says we don't love her or care about her and we love he other kids more.  Nothing we do or say can change her feelings on this.  I have started going to a counselor for myself just to help me set boundaries and stop getting sucked into the guilt she throws at me and stop accepting the blame for her actions.  My therapist just told me I can throw her out when she turns 18.  How can I do this?  While I want her to leave because it is so much more peaceful in my home when she isn't here... .how can she survive in the world in the state she is in?

Thanks for listening.  I haven't posted in a long time.  I am just trying to survive each day and minimize any damage done to my younger children by her actions and behaviors.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[bpdmom1]

Sounds similar.  Sorry you are dealing with this.  It is very hard.  My daughter fought all rules.  We found ourselves completely unable to parent her.  As soon as any rules are put in place she did everything possible to break them and then would become more unmanageable.  She also feels that we favor her sister and would run away from home.  We would later find out she was angry that we didn't physically stop her from leaving. 

You aren't alone.

[Kate4queen]

Sounds very much like my son who I think has a healthy side of narcissm to go with his BPD. I was terrified about letting him go after he stormed out around his 21st birthday but for the first time I didn't beg him to come home. When he tried to do so we set up some rules and he refused to abide by any of them and convinced another family to house him for 6 months saying we kicked him out.

The thing about narcissists is that they are true survivors. They can cause desolation and walk away unscathed. My son is like that, and I'm now convinced he's not only going to survive but thrive. He's super smart, gets all the sympathy in the world (because his parents are monsters) and is currently holding down 2 jobs.

So try everything you can, but at the end of the day please realize you have a) a right to protect yourself and your other children and b) a child/young adult who will probably manage way better than you might think.

[unicorn2014]

Thank you very much for sharing!

I'm taking my d15 to her first mental health assessment with the county tomorrow.

She has an IEP when she was 7 and nothing clinical showed up although she had many risk factors.

I've had her to talk to school counselors throughout her education and tried to take her to a couple of sessions at a private nonprofit but because she refused to participate I had to pull her out.

What I have found most helpful is Al-Anon. They have meetings for parents. I don't know if your D uses drugs or alcohol but mine did.

In regards to your subject, years ago my therapist expressed a wry concern that I may be raising a little narcissist.

Now I'm not so sure that's a joke.

In fact this afternoon I just experienced my first distortion campaign at the hands of my d. I was shocked. Previously I had thought that my partner was the one with the problem. Since I don't live with my partner a lot of these BPD behaviors have been abstract to me, but unfortunately I think I am seeing some of them in the flesh in my d.

[Shell Shocked]

Thank you for the replies.   

Kate4Queen - I think you are right.  She is a survivor and she has been spending nights and some weekends with a friend.  I am pretty sure that Mom thinks we are terrible people because of her lies and manipulations.  She does know how to get what she wants.

Spent an hour and a half on the phone with her Guidance Counselor yesterday and it was enlightening.  On one hand, GC has seen some of the behaviors we experience and validated me as a parent.  I was mixed about this.  Happy that it isn't "just me" and that others recognize the anger and the manipulations.  But also sad, because this is an escalation.  She has always been able to put on a good face at school and just unloaded it all on us.  She is no longer keeping it together in outside situations.  Maybe this is a good thing because her GC and I both agree that she is not going to stop, get help, or change until she crashes and hits rock bottom.  I just hate to watch it unfold. 

At my therapists suggestion I started prepping her for leaving when she turns 18.  I told her that we love her but that she cannot continue to live in our home when she has no respect for our rules and for us.  I told her that if she wants to remain in my home she needs to change her behaviors and get a job, pay rent, etc... .  If she wants to continue to break the rules and do her own thing, she has 6 months in order to get herself together to move out.  She is currently in danger of not graduating.  She is failing English - which is one of her strengths.  She just doesn't care anymore.  She is living in the moment and not thinking of the future.  She wants to spend all her time with friends and her boyfriend.  She can bring her grade up and pull off graduating if she chooses to - I just don't know if she will.  It is unlikely she will get accepted to a 4 year college program and she really isn't ready to go. 

I have decided not to continue with her psychiatrist any longer.  We are paying $165 a week to get her help that we cannot afford and she doesn't want.  She spends each session playing Uno with him.  While I am sure that from his perspective, he is using that to get her to open up and relax and chat.  From her perspective - she is just playing Uno.