Hello to quiet borderline parents

[wendydarling]

Hello

My 27DD is a 'quiet borderline', diagnosed last July and I wish to reach out to parents, share our journey, provide support and learning.

I have found the journey challenging as our 'quiet BPD' diagnosis is not widely recognised. How is it for you?

Best wishes

WDx   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi again Wendydarling

The last Few weeks I've started to wonder about BPDs diagnosis. My BPDs has no violent tendencies or anger (unless shoutd at) and a lot of the threads contain such violent events. I just can't relate to these and I wondered if in fact he was npd. I've never heard of quiet BPD and just googled it. Oh my word, I'm stunned as it fits like a glove.

Thank you for your post. What sort of treatment is your BPD getting and have you seen any improvements?

Bpds goes for his first uk assessment this Friday so I'm going to say nothing, sit tight and see what the outcome is.

L

[wendydarling]

Hello again Lollypop! 

I'm very pleased your son's appointment is happening this week, it's never too soon. If he want's to be well, he will do very well. Let him be x. How soon the NHS can provide treatment is another challenge. See what happens on Friday, and what they offer and timing. DD went private last Autumn - not good in terms of experience and  long life health.

I did not sleep last night, I searched all the bpdfamily workshops and found a reference to quiet borderline, and googled wider to our young and quiet borderline bloggers.

Bingo.

Wishing everyone peace  today x

Day by day. WDx

[Lollypop]

Hi Wendydarling

I didn't sleep well last night. My mind ticking over and over. Trying very hard not to go back to my "fixer" mode.

I read another BPD website and Keisha's quiet BPD traits and it hit me.

I've known our BPDs (25) had a mental health problem but seeing it written in black and white, in a way I could easily have put his name in the article and you would think it'd been specifically written about him. Whereas BPD anger issues just aren't there, it's all internalised.

The site said that very young children who are highly strung have a tendency towards adolescent BPD. Also drugs may bring it on, BPDs was an early weed smoker. 18 percent steer towards opiates as a pain killer; sadly he was included in sorry statistic.

My H read the article this morning. I told him that I feel we need to change strategy. I said for him to digest and we'd talk later in the week. He said we really need to find a way of living with this situation.

I'm wondering if I should show BPDs the article? Any advice on this gratefully received. I'm concerned with muddying the waters and getting too involved. If BPDs tells them this is what my mum thinks I've got I can imagine the reaction of the clinician.

It seems highly unlikely he's going to get the treatment he needs straight away. We live in a semi-rural area and I just can't see it happening but let's see what they say first.

What private treatment is your Son receiving?

Did you provide any information to them beforehand?

I did some research before Xmas and found accessible services but cost ranged from £75 (CBT) to £200 ph (DBT). I think you may live in the USA?

We didn't do anything about it because our mindset was "the more we do the worse it becomes, stop enabling with money, let him do everything he needs to do himself."  However I'm now thinking how just impossible this approach is: he's full of fear.

Thanks for reading

L

[sparkles mom]

Our 16dd meets almost every criteria except the violent rages.  Only once have I been fearful of confronting her.  Because of her behaviors she is now residing at children's group home while  we await placement at a rtc.  We could not provide the constant supervision she was needing.  It was exhausting having her home full time.  She violated court orders on the way home from court! 

When things are calm you forget the bad/hard times and start to second guess the here and now.  People outside of our home can be the worst critics of what we are doing. 

They don't see the rapid swings, the lying, the manipulation, the self harm, the binging and purging, the sexting... .she even has her therapist on her side.  Her youth services worker sees through her. There's no point in changing therapist with the anticipation of going to rtc happening soon... .

FYI, dd16 was taking geodon but now refuses (6 was). 

Behaviors and crisis episodes are escalating. But she refuses to take.

[wendydarling]

Hi Lollipop and sparkles mom

I'm London UK based.

Lollipop, I tend to stay up occasionally rather than roll around and fight with the sheets. I stayed up ALL night Sunday and went to work Monday - I'm still in sleep catch up mode. Fixing mode? I don't see it as fixing. I just yearn to understand my DD's condition because no one seems able to point me in her direction.

I'm pleased my quiet BPD thread spoke to you, it hit me too!  I do find it shocking my DD has been treated for the individual symptoms for so long, it was only following the suicide attempt that they were able to join up the dots to BPD, which I now realise is very broad. Is my behaviour enabling? I leave that to others. I love and respect my daughter dearly, all I wish is for her to have a happy life. It's taking longer for her to settle in her adult life than her peers. So be it.

Interesting point Lollypop, highly strung children and signs in adolescent BPD. My daughter was a placid child, it makes me wonder the extent my daughter has hidden and internalised. I have just googled the word placid and after the definition of the word on google is  www.mugsy.org/pmh.htm

"Autism is a developmental disorder affecting children from birth or the early months of life. It results in delay in, and deviance from, the normal patterns of development1. These occur in three areas of behaviour:

· Social relationships and interactions

· Language and communication.

· Activities and interests. "

I'm not suggesting anything from the above, just researching so I can get on the same page with my daughter, and there is certainly no harm in that.

I'd say now is not the time to show your son the article, it's his moment to engage with his assessor, build trust and agree to his forward plan.  He knows his feelings, who he is - you may just be telling him what he already knows? 

UK private care, I researched widely - Harley Street etc. Happy to PM you and share the 6 week short private care health experience, if you would find that useful?  My DD realised she needed to feel safe with life long care in place, somewhere she is personally known and can go to - the NHS. 

sparkle, I hope your daughter receives treatment very soon. How is she? Does she acknowledge she is not well? The moment my DD acknowledged she was unwell, her slow journey towards recovery started. My DD27 sounds similar to your lovely young DD16, in terms of no rages or violence. I've not seen manipulation, nor sexual behaviour. Arguing is not our way, healthy discussions and debates yes for sure   My DD de-regulated emotionally, assisted with alcohol for many years. She stopped drinking last November, apart from an occasional social drink, her Dr stopped prescribing anxiety medication - seems to be coping well without so far, she has been on antidepressants for the last year, and tonight spoke of a 3 month black mood cycle that seems to present itself. Geodon? No idea what this is, I'll google. She is still waiting for treatment, but overall hanging in and determined to be well, in a positive way.  sparkle, how are you taking care of yourself?

It's a different journey than we ever envisaged. I share with you my optimism for your loved ones and hope. 

WDx

[sparkles mom]

Unfortunately my girl does not think she has a problem.  Her worker is very worried that even after placement happens she will be so resistant to help or change.  She has been very hurt and angry with me since court on Thursday.  Today she loves me again.

[Lollypop]

Hi Wendydarling

I've spent years thinking about BPDs growing up. He has such a negative viewpoint of his childhood. I admit we do too, it was just so damned hard and as new parents we just weren't prepared. He was spoilt, indulged and we didnt understand how to deal with his anxiety other than managing situations so that he wasn't crying; then it was ok.

Your viewpoint is refreshing regarding "enabling" as I've spent the last 5 years hearing about tough love. My gut has told me we're a family and we're supposed to help one another. I feel I need to set an example to them, we stick by one another no matter what, so they learn for when they may have their own families. We need to be strong for them in the times they're not able to be for themselves. However, because things went wrong I pulled completely away from this idealised (?) view. We both find tough love difficult when we can see how he really struggles to cope with basics. For instance, he has no money or car. He organises casual work but needs a lift there and back. I don't see a problem with taxiing him, work is good and therapeutic.

On the flip side, I do see that he only ever learns through bad experience and challenge. He doesn't improve when comfortable. I've witnessed this.

as time has progressed we've realised that what's needed is a mid-way approach of a loving, respectful and emotionally supportive environment. We are finding a way to live happier despite the problems together. I'm sorry if this post is all over the place. Feeling confused.

I'm praying he comes back from his assessment tomorrow feeling positive. There's a lot riding on it.

L

[wendydarling]

sparkles mom, thank you, I have no idea why, when and how our loved ones are able to arrive at acknowledging they are suffering and then want to get better or continue to deny. Everyone seems to have a different journey and I've not come across any research finding so far. How are you protecting yourself from your daughters rides of hurt, anger and love?  Some call it 'push and pull', roller coaster. I stand back, live my values and my life, that seems to be helpful for my daughter. If I fell into her world, I'd be drowning with her.

Is the shelter worker an experienced DBT professional? I only ask because you said he/ she was 'worried' - not a helpful word in my world.

I'm so sorry, your long wait for treatment is so inhumane. I hope a placement is confirmed soon, hang in there!

Thanks Lollipop

I agree, we all reflect for answers and that can be helpful in a healthy way to a point, to the point of engaging positively with the present and future.  I read a post where you shared you had changed your life recently - loving art! And now you are actively supporting your son to change his, which is wonderful! Are you mistaking the term 'tough love' with 'no love'?, that is certainly not the case for you. I understand, we are also a loving family, my parents and siblings stand strong - but I have learnt if we stand too strong, we deny growth and change and that can be debilitating to everyone we love.

I acknowledge my daughter is suffering and may need my (non enabling, non co-dependent, non caketaker ... .) support in the future to help her live an independent and happy life. We are on the road ... .

Sending your son positive vibes for tomorrow's assessment. Will you wait for him to share with you, when he is ready?

WDx

[Lollypop]

Hi Wendydarling

In the past, our specific problem has been enabling him while he takes no actions or responsibility. Living in our house rent free, treating it as a hotel, not keeping areas clean, working casually but only doing the bare minimum to keep him in weed. Living a life with no future, no ties. To keep a long story short, he left the home May 2015.

He reached crisis Sept 2015 and got diagnosed, attended DBT but got extremely low Dec. All he needed to do was get a job, but he just couldn't do it. He lied, lied and lied, always calling for money and we kept giving it.

He agreed to return home Dec 2015. One boundary: job or benefits. I really believe a job is what is needed for him in the long term. A period of stability while he gets treatment and learns how to manage money and be exposed to real life.

He had his first interview on Monday and didn't get the job. No response from other applications. Is currently not looking for work and not prepared to sign on benefits.

At this present time I'm dancing (not in a good way) in a situation and unsure of ourselves. I'm not sleeping.

This is the situation:

Bpds

- does not want to get a job in the UK (minimum wage)

- wants to work casually (£80-100 pd)

-should declare himself self employed and get paperwork in order but won't want to

- plans on saving as much money as he can

- apply for summer job in USA so he can make friends

- live with us but rent free

- smoke weed

-expect us to drive him to and from casual work

What do we want?

Short term: job with regular income while getting treatment

Long term: live independently

Given that he failed to get a job Aug to Dec in the USA, failed this week we feel it's just delusional to think he's going to secure a summer job 6000 miles away. Also, he's never saved a penny in his life. However, I'm wondering if we should bend and give in from the original boundary. I'm screaming expletives in my head... .it doesn't help I only got a few hours sleep.

Bpds failed to organise himself properly. Assessment is by telephone (for goodness sake) and not until 9th Feb. I have no faith in the system in this county. I can't tell you how disappointed I am. Bpds doesn't want it and that's clear to me.

Advice very much appreciated from anybody

Thanks for reading

L

[wendydarling]

Hi Lollipop  

I'm just through the door from work and have briefly read your post, thank you. Our foundation focus is also treatment and work, in that order.

This jumped out to me - a mental health assessment by phone? Surely not, I've never heard of this before. Has anyone else?  

I recognise you say you have little confidence in your county health services. Have you considered calling them to ask what the benefit of a phone consultation over a face to face is? Surely treatment is not by phone!

Something seems very remiss to me.

I'll be back soon, just resting up  

WDx

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi Wendydarling

Thanks for getting back. Hope work was not too busy on a Friday night.

Thank you, you're right treatment and work is the right order. However treatment isn't forthcoming and BPDs is a lot better when kept busy and (hopefully) is motivated to save money now he has a personal goal.

this is the process

Visit to a&e - got referral (very nearly admitted but BPDs manipulated final interview)

Letter received asking BPDs to make appt ("telephone assessment) - i didn't see letter

Bpds made appt. 29 Jan

I ask BPDs about location and getting there and he tells me it's at the local surgery. I was surprised but accepted this.

They called him 26 Jan to bring appt forward 1 day to 28th

On 28th BPDs goes to surgery only to discover he should have stayed at home to receive the call. He said they hung up on him while he was talking to the receptionist as she was organising a room with a phone.

Bpds got in at 4.30 and, when encouraged by me, called And remade another appt 9 Feb. He complained but don't know his manner.

Frustrated and upset, I impetuously called the mental health team and this is what they said. Bpds must have known it was a telephone assessment, it was on the letter and they'd had two conversations with him regarding the appt time. It's his responsibility and they are unsure if he hung up on them or they got cut off. He implied BPDs had manipulated the situation.

I asked about the process. Telephone assessment with mental health nurse who decides after 1 hour what referral is needed. I told the nurse that when speaking to my BPDs you would not think there is anything wrong so how can this work, particularly when they can't see his facial features, his face drop or his body language. The nurse said they can tell a lot by the voice. I pressed and said this wasn't like somebody who was suffering anxiety and couldn't work. My BPDs was limited functioning and had been for 5 years. The nurse said there was a face to face assessment but that BPDs would have to wait a month. The nurse felt it was best to proceed with telephone assessment and he may be referred to something like low mood telephone assessment or instead then a face to face assessment. He couldn't guarantee wait time at that point. I told the nurse that this was ridiculous and he said "I'm sorry you think so. But we've limited funding and this is the best we can provide"

As soon as he mentioned low mood treatment (which I felt was unprofessional of him) I then reacted to try and explain just how serious this situation is.  I was then told BPD is ... .Blah, blah and perfectly controllable when the person takes responsibility for themselves.

I spent the night watching Katie Morton videos and now feel more confused. I'm overloaded and can't see a way through but particularly what we need to do with our boundary which is currently being ignored.

However, things have improved since mid-Dec overall. Bpds likes working, has a bank acct, loves his banking app and seems happier, calmer. He's receptive when I ask him to do something and hopefully his room will be cleaner by the end of the weekend. Life is pleasant.

So why should I enforce the work/benefit boundary? I guess because the casual work may dry up, BPDs may not save his money, slip back into his old pattern of existence, stuck. I'd feel better if I felt confident in his plans but they seem unrealistic, but perhaps he should be given the chance.

Round and round it goes, this mind of mine.

L

[wendydarling]

Hi Lollypop

I'm so sorry to hear the assessment did not happen. You did the right thing, supporting your son to gain the appointment on 9 Feb. Fortunately it's not too far away. You also have the right to call for information and I'm glad you did. Prioritising faceless phone assessments over face to face seems crazy to me, it's a period of time to carry out the same assessment.

Here's our NHS journey last year, hope this provides some context

May - referred by A&E

July - assessment and diagnosis took place, put on waiting list - 12 months-18 months - the Dr assessing was the head of MH. The Dr is to keep in contact and be available. Dr did not do this.

August - DD in crisis (in hindsight I should have taken her to A&E). I called the Dr - Dr was on leave. Spoke to another Dr, who was very helpful and provided the number of the crisis team who visited our home and then DD had two appointments with the crisis team at the centre.

After the last appointment I called to speak with the Dr - she was still on leave.

Sept - finally spoke with Dr and she invited me in for a carers assessment. It was good to meet her face to face.

Oct - went private - 7 weeks tolerance skills building sessions. 

December DD was invited to attend the bridging skills weekly session. DD attends every week and finds it useful and supportive.  To be honest I don't know where we would be with out them.

The DBT waiting list is 12-18 months - I wrote to the Dr last week to ask where DD is on this long waiting list - July 16, December 16? July 17?  I need to know the time is shortening and that DD is not being forgotten. 

I'm pleased life is better for you and your son than it was last year - that's exactly how I feel too.  But at times I also have pangs of anxiety - feeling of being in a vacuum with no certainty ahead, or as you describe your mind going round and round' just like a washing machine! When I bring myself back to acceptance I feel calm and positive.

I'm sorry your boundary(work/benefit) is being ignored. Remember you set it for good reason.  I agree if your son works casually his paperwork needs to be in order. Any kind of work can come to an end, so at some point he'll be applying for work, that's life. I realise you live rurally - is there anyway he could make his own way to work? eg cycle?  DBT treatment is normally 1-2 years - weekly, planning to go abroad before treatment is completed does not acknowledge your second boundary. Is he saying he'll jump on a plane if a date for treatment commencing comes through? 

I hope you are having a better day and not feeling so overwhelmed.

It's not been the best week for me - I'll write more on the other thread where I'm logging weekly.

WDx

[Lollypop]

Hi WD

Thanks for getting back to me. I tried talking to him this morning but he's in a mood. I tried to approach again as I realised I'd not got it right enough to get a responsive discussion. Anyway, we had a discussion and he's now in a bad mood.

He says treatment is not his priority, he will go through the process in the UK while he's here. If something is in place in the UK he won't be stuck here and he will leave as he doesn't want to live in the UK. If he's got to live an unhappy life it might as well be there. He wants to get a job with regular income, but isn't applying at the moment. He wants to get a summer job in the USA but is not looking at the moment.

I've told him that if he decides to only work casually then he will need to save up for a vehicle. He will have to declare himself as self-employed. We cannot taxi him around if he works full time; he says he knows.  We can continue to take him to and from work for the time being but he needs to make a contribution to fuel; he says ok.

He said "I'm set in a bad mood now". I empathised and said well, that is what treatment is for, so you can learn ways of getting yourself out of it, to control your emotions and thoughts. You could read your DBT book, look at therapy videos online or practise what you've learnt so far to help yourself. We can't help you with this, this is down to you.

That's about it for now. Thanks Wendy, you've really helped me. I try and get perspective. Things are improving but my god it just takes so long.

Ps.

He could bike it but it would be a 5 mile ride with a very large bag with his tools in. This is after spending all day working in the rain. I may yet make this a boundary.  One step at a time.

[sparkles mom]

At last!  She was moved to a rtc yesterday (5 hrs away).  The staff said she was doing well as of hour 4.  We won't have direct contact with her for a  week.  Feels weird.  The house feels even more quiet.  She packed her own things at the shelter.  I brought home the home pile and just went through it.  She didn't take any winter coats or boots.  Smh. 

Day one of her future. Praying and hoping for the best.

[wendydarling]

Hi sparkles mom, that is great news I'm so pleased for you, your daughter and family. 5 hours is a long way away in my world, it's half of the UK island. How long is her stay? I send you all my hope and glad she is safe. 

I went to visit my lovely 90 year old mother this weekend, who is still living at home, where the heart is, just. Having done so well from autumn to Xmas and the first two weeks of January my daughter was admitted to A&E Saturday night, I received a call Sunday lunchtime and visited her this evening.

We are all appalled by the waiting list in the UK. One has to do the equivalent of breaking a leg. It's so unfair.

Despite the A&E experience, those of us around her bedside have been able to bring my daughter round from pain, for her to be able to fight for rights tomorrow. Hope.

Thinking of you all at bpdfamily, never give up - always speak out. That's what my daughter will be doing tomorrow.

WDx  

[wendydarling]

Hi Lollipop, apologies I have been absent, I have read but found it hard to find time/head space to respond, tied up with DD, Mum, work and MY life.

My daughter is going to give the mental health team and the head of MH hell tomorrow, no more! She is voluntarily admitting herself, if they will have her. A friend has also recommended a foundation that is close to us that will assess and then possibly provide her a weeks respite. She dissociated and does not feel safe.

I recall your son's assessment date is the 9th - I hope it goes well, my thought are with you. x

[wendydarling]

My daughter after waiting 2 days in the hospital to be attended to and heard.

"It took a lot of crying and shouting and pacing the ward like a crazy person to get myself admitted to a residential woman's crisis house in XXX. I'll be going either tonight or tomorrow. Been a long hard day of having to justify my illness to person after person when all I need is help and somewhere safe to prevent me from doing this again. So although it's been a horrible day, it's been a successful outcome. Just demanded codeine for my headache and diazepam for my anxiety as I can NOT stop tidying and pacing. They tried to get me to see crisis team but I refused as we've been there before. I literally had to shout, scream and cry to get them to listen so I am glad you were not there to see that. Gimme a ring when you can. Love you x"

Some say you can only get better if you are committed to get well, that's unacceptable when it can not be validated and delivered without one screaming out yet again for help. I'm proud my daughter is able to take on the health system. It's a sorry show UK.

WDx 

[Lollypop]

Hi WD

I totally agree, a complete shambles where mental health is concerned.

I hope and pray for you and family WD. Your daughter has grit and sounds like a force to be reckoned with. It's been a long hard road with still more trials to come but you get stronger as each obstacle is overcome. I'm so sorry you're experiencing a bit of a meltdown. It's just so exhausting and trying to keep everything and everyone together.

My BPDs has not mentioned his telephone assessment that is due tomorrow. I doubt he will take part. It's all a process. I'll most probably have to wait for the next crisis. Any treatment takes commitment and faith, he just doesn't have that here in the UK.

Good luck and if you get the time let us know how it's going

Take care

L

[sparkles mom]

Mental health care sucks. 

My BPDD presents as normal and compliant in almost all first impressions and interactions.  Then when her providers take time to read her history and listen to her family they then realize how much she needs help.  This is so frustrating, it makes them think we are the ones that need help. 

I was asked yesterday "what is it like w/o her home?"  My answer "an extremely stress free but empty void"

[wendydarling]

Hi SparklesMom, I'm sorry you feel frustrated, though it appears positive the providers recognise how much help your daughter needs, step one - of many. Was that your first visit and how was your daughter? I hope you see some progress in the coming weeks and the provider communicates clearly with you.  How does that work when you are so far away?

Hang in there SparklesMom, I guess the provider needs to give you confidence in the process and treatment? Sending you hope.  and let us know how it goes, we are here for you. I hope my daughter is able access treatment soon.

As for needing help? Yes, I need support and hope like everyone, but not by feeling my family caused BPD, as we did not - we all know it's more complex than that, if I'd realised I had a special child and it was not a normal teenage journey I'd have taken action earlier. I know my work has been suffering over the last year. I just don't feel the motivation to achieve though my colleagues are very supportive, I've been open with them. I do need to pull my socks up.

When my daughter was in hospital last Sunday she wrote a blog titled 'Sick and tired of justifying my mental illness, small steps to getting better'. She explains how she lives a BPD life, what that feels like, her coping mechanisms, how every day is a fight and how she needs treatment NOW. The blog ends with "To finish this incredibly long entry. Just want to thank you for reading if you got this far. I want to feel and function like a normal human. I want to feel I have purpose and I want to find joy and experience the things in life that I was once so interested in. I just wanna feel everything matters and that I matter. That is my only wish." These words give me hope but where is the TREATMENT, oh 18 months away! I'm back to looking at private, the previous experience was not great. I spoke to my daughter last night about writing to our MP, who happens to be a very prominent government politician at the moment.

lbjnltx (thank you) wrote a monthly blog of their RTC journey, it's a years insight of the journey with young daughter. I found it incredibly insightful and helpful. I'm not sure where about it is on the site but if you have not read it and are interested I'm sure it can be found.

My daughter has been in the women's crisis home for 4 days. It's a wonderful place for 12 residents, they even take in up to four children. It is not medically led and you can go out whenever you want.  It's a space for people who need a quiet space where they feel safe after a trauma. They offer 1:1 talking sessions, will support you making phone calls, provide massage and activities such as art. You can talk to someone 24 hours a day. She would not be there without adamantly refusing to leave the hospital. Just goes to show you have to SHOUT and if you don't they'll pat you on the back and send you home. The home can offer up to a months stay, though we are not sure how that is assessed, weekly I guess. We are upset her BPD Dr has not even been in touch during the week, though my daughter has been told the Dr will visit at some point.  Obviously we are expecting the Dr to offer immediate treatment, no more waiting list... .that is what my daughter will demand. Will it happen?  Watch this space.  SparklesMom my daughter is 10 years older than yours, in her blog she says "I decided to seek help and support November 2014 (I wish I had the courage to seek help YEARS ago) since then I’ve had relapse after relapse, because there’s been nothing set in place to help me". So, this is where we are today. Forever hopeful and fighting to get well.

Thinking of you and your family. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi Lollipop

I just wanted to reach out to you, I hope all is ok?

WDx

[sparkles mom]

I got to talk to my girl today.  She was very somber and complaining.  I pray every moment that she will accept help and that she is getting the right help.  Therapy team conference is Tuesday (by phone). 

My daughter is a victim too.  The range of emotions that her father and I go through are exhausting.  Trying to believe in the justice system.  Trying to keep life normal for her brother.

[Lollypop]

Hi there WD

I've been away for a couple of days leaving my three men together. Always a challenge for them all. I got home to find BPDs had stayed out all night. I could have predicted it, he uses me as a control mechanism and when I'm not around he uses the opportunity. I've no idea why he still feels this need as he's a grown adult and not a teenager any more.

Anyway, nothing to report other than I had a very good conversation last Wednesday with BPDs. He opened up a bit, I had the opportunity to re-emphasise that unless he takes action regarding therapy and his addiction issues he'll remain in his cycle. He said he's reorganised his telephone mental health assessment. This is good news as I thought he'd given up on this. Regarding weed, he says he feels stable and won't give up his self-medicating, at least for the time being.

Bpds is due to give me money this week, as previously agreed. I'm quite hopeful this will happen but perhaps need to decide how best to deal with any failure on his part.

I read his diary last week. I understand a lot more about him. It's scary to realise just how out of control and reactive he is when facing challenges. The main things I've learnt is how deep his addiction tendencies go (he never learns) AND just how desperate he is to love and be loved in a relationship.

Bpds is determined to go it alone again in the not too distant future. I only hope he decides to get treatment as this should be his priority but I don't think he will, particularly because of the intense fight he'll have to go to to be heard within the NHS. I love the NHS but mental health service is appalling.

As sparkles I too am trying to keep life normal for my younger son and if course ourselves.

WD: it sounds as if your daughter is feeling strong and fighting to get what she needs. I hope she can enter treatment very soon.

L

[Lollypop]

Hi WD

Just wondering how you are

L

[wendydarling]

Hi Lollypop

Gasping for air, my dear! Thanks for asking ... .what an awful 12 days we have had because it took daughters BPD Dr 12 days to return my multi daily calls and my daughters understanding from the crisis home the Dr would visit her. Meanwhile daughter has been sent by the crisis home to various agencies for alcohol, meds, you name it!   I'm speechless anyone with BPD and families can be treated like this, no joined up care plan what a trigger! Triggered me too! Aggh ... .

Here is the good news, hurray. Finally BPD Dr called me yesterday when I was on a bus home in the rush hour.  When I said I was on a bus the Dr said I'll call you back at a more convenient moment! WHAT, NO WAY! So, the upshot is my daughter is now 4th on the DBT waiting list and can expect to start treatment in April. Secondly the Dr has expedited the GP's referral for a meds reassessment to next Thursday.

Seriously, I'm a resilient person but this latest NHS experience seeped me day by day, brought me to tears, knees etc. I have good lessons to share ... .when my head and legs starts to feel like mine again  Ironically this week is BBC inthemind series ... .shout

Best thing is daughter has continued her honest blog, it's now 12 days in the life of (which has gone viral in the world MH community) ... .Daughter mentioned it to her BPD Dr today when they spoke. Dr expressed interested, so now has it! May be hard to swallow.

There we go for now. Phew.

I do have some useful information and insights to share, once I have had time to reflect and properly process it. That includes new thoughts about the future, visioning ahead.

How has your week been, so far?  It sounds like you are making good progress in building your sons trust, he's responding to (or he's trying to) conversations, listening.  Do you think the reason he keeps saying I'm moving out to USA is to prove to you he's not unwell, he is the man life expects of him etc. I recall you explaining how you saw his 'fear'. Part of the unspoken fear is often the stigma attached to mental health.  Feels like we have now broken through that and it feels SO wonderfully liberating!  Acceptance for us has been key.  No more banging our heads towards unrealistic expectations that are unachievable - we are now exploring what is achievable for a happy and joyful life ahead.

Our children will stumble, will learn and change a behaviour, what I'm not sure about yet is if a learned behaviour stays in place and if not is there a general % that does?  I recognise DBT skills will be part of their lives. 

It's so hard when they shut us out, I respect the reasons why, but those small windows of opportunity to talk that you have found is the beginning of a rainbow. While your son may not thank you today he will when he realises how much you care and how much he can trust you.

sparklesmom - how was your meeting on Tuesday?

Sending my best wishes and support to all, especially if you have had a difficult time this week.   

Thanks to all at bpdfamily for the amazing resources and advice and for everyone for being so supportive and making our lives better everyday.

I'm really tired, apols if my message is rumbling.

WDx 

[Lollypop]

Hi WD

You're truly an amazing woman. I wait now for you to recover from what must have been a roller coaster ride.  April is not far away!

I take heart from your suggestion that we're "exploring". We are, he's not. I've put up a new topic to get feedback on my skills on dealing with him.

I'm the meantime, have a great weekend and rest up WD.

L

[wendydarling]

Hi Lollipop

Aw, thank you so much for your kindness and recognition of the tough journey this last few weeks. I'm trying my best like everyone else.

Off to read your new thread.

WDx

[sparkles mom]

Tuesday was our first therapy team meeting (via phone).  Kinda went as expected, reports of being mostly pleasant and compliant.  Everything was "good" till her dad and I started to speak.  Then they got to see more of the "real girl" not the perfect kid.  We even called back after the meeting to see if we had done or said something wrong.  They assured us no, whew!

My family therapy session with her was held on Wednesday (partly because of the poor meeting the day before) by phone too.  I spoke with her therapist the next day for feedback.  I admitted to him that our session was better than any we had had in over ten months.  It was because he kept the session on track and didn't let her hijack it and flee.

We got to have our first visit with her on Saturday.  A one hour visit takes 600 miles round trip... .but it was worth it to see her and hug her.  Hopefully she'll accept this journey and come home strong. 

[wendydarling]

Hi sparkles mom, apologies to you, I have been off line this week. I agree with you - that your daughter comes home strong. Are you learning DBT skills aside her?  I'm about to do that with my daughter in April.

Despite the distance between you, she'll share her love for you when she feels able to.

WDx