Trying to save my relationship

[Lowmansdue]

I think I've screwed up for good. Last week I got so frustrated with my girlfriend that. I had an appointment to go finalize my my divorce, which was in progress when we got together many months ago, and my girlfriend couldn't understand my need to go meet wig my lawyer and the judge that day. She had been under a lot of pressure with many other things but I just took it personally that she didn't believe my motives or what I was doing. I got so frustrated and angry that I basically decided to give up. I took all my stuff from her apartment, spraining my ankle in my haste and took just about everything from her place and dropped it off at my house on the way to the courthouse. We continued to argue all day and she told me to leave, and I informed her that I had already take almost everything. I really thought it was over. Then when I went back to get the last of my stuff she screamed and through things at me and told me to just get out. Then she huddled on the ground crying and I just couldn't leave, I realized all the pain I had caused her by letting my emotions get the best of me and I just held her and she asked me to stay. But everyday after that I can tell based on her words and actions that my almost leaving may have caused irreparable damage and I think she's on the verge of breaking up with me permanently. She's cold and distant and I can tell she's hurting. It seems like even though I have treated her better than all her ex's I have hurt her the worst. I need help to save our relationship. Any advice at all would really be appreciated.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[tryingtohelp]

Hello , I wouldn't stress too much about it at this point,  if she is BPD , just give her some space for a few days, she will most likely get in touch ,  then you can apologise and try to talk some things over.

[Lowmansdue]

But she seems to be pushing further away. She really seems done with me, and I don't know how to fix us

[AlexAid]

Fom experience, if she is BPD, tell her you want her to go shopping with you to pick out a ring or whatever to show her you're sorry. She should perk right back up like a wilted plant that you just watered.

[Lowmansdue]

We went shopping the next day, problem is I live and work in a different city, and she was distant again the day after the shopping

[AlexAid]

Tough situation.

My so is now in a different city too. It helps keep the relationship going. Easier than divorce.

Give her time to refocus and she'll be okay. If she starts talking about your next visit to her, she probably really loves you, but you need to be ready to sacrifice a lot of energy for the relationship.

[Lowmansdue]

How can I know she will come around, in her eyes I've justified all her fears of abandonment when she thought she could count on me completely.

[AlexAid]

With my wife, when we had similar issues, I would nag her with little text messages that I'm thinking about here or corny facebook emojis. Very playful.

I would also tell her that she is so dear to me that I understand her, and then begin to describe BPD traits without saying she is BPD. Like i love you and i feel that you have been hurt so much and that I hurt you. You want to love me but you react in anger and fear that i will abandon you. But i won't. I'm here to stay. She would then go on and on about all the hurt she had and she would be all better.

Good luck.

[Lowmansdue]

I don't know what to tell her that will make her see that I will never lose my head and think about leaving again

[Lowmansdue]

I don't know what to do. I can't give up on her but she seems to be giving up on me being who she needs

[Lowmansdue]

I think I'm starting to sound like a desperate wet blanket

[Lowmansdue]

Your stories give me hope.  My girlfriend and I came together at a huge turning point in my life. I had found out a few months before that my wife had moved in with a guy while I was working out of state and I was devastated. Not really for losing my wife but because we have two kids and I had my ideals about not divorcing like my parents had done and that commitment is forever.  With those ideals shattered I was ready to stay single forever and just focus on me and my kids any chance I got to see them. Well into my life walks my sisters high school friend who I hadn't seen in twenty years whe I was just a scrawny book worm and she was already blossomed into a beautiful woman. Well we started to talk on Facebook when we were teasing my sister about her mushy posts about her bf. We ended up meeting for coffee and taking for hours and it was clear that we were attracted to each other but I wasn't ready to be intimate and I respected her too much to do anything shallow and meaningless. Well we shared a little bit about our lives and slowly went from messenger to texts to phone calls and skype. I talked to her the whole time I was on my two week vacation with my kids telling each other every little thing about our livesup. I met up with her after my vacation and we began the honeymoon phase of our relationship. But then came the little arguments and the trust issues. She wanted me to read anything and everything about her BPD and I said I would, but I was so caught up in the honeymoon phase that I didn't take it seriously. Hints got more distant when I transferred closer only two hours away instead of seven. But it was to the same town as my ex. For me it made it easier to work on the divorce, but for her there was hat fear of abandonment and trust. We would get into arguments about me not listening and about how I'm selfish emotionally. I always promised to learn more and do better but I let life get in the way and I didn't do a good job. Finally about a week ago I got so aggravated and felt constantly attacked. I had taken a week of vacation to help her with her kids getting them to school and back cause she had mandatory overtime she had to do. I got an email with the date the same week to go finalize my divorce with the judge. I had an option to reschedule for the next week but I just wanted it done. She accused me of wanting to go meet someone and I continued to calmly tell her no I just wanted to finalize my divorce. I then allowed my anger and hurt to take over and I packed all my studs and took it all to my house on the way to meet with the lawyer and he judge. I really thought I had enough time to get back and finish helping her with the kids but we had been texting the whole time and traffic was so bad that we both continued to be negative towards each other. She told me to just leave and I my way back to the city I live in she then said no just come get the rest of my stuff and leave her key. Through all the argument I allowed myself to get colder and detached. I got there and she started throwing more studs down for me to take and I the midst of getting the final stuff she said just leave it and go now. I told her I would once I had my stuff and she screamed and shoved and I think hit me though I don't remember it. She then sat in the hallway crying and all my coldness and anger and hurt melted away and all I could think about was how I had hurt her abs she saw it only as me abandoning her. I hugged her and held her and she told me not to go. At that point I knew I could never leave her. We talked and I thought that even though we had workednitbout that we still had a lot of work to do, hit it seemed we would both try. But he next day she had distanced herself and I knew I needed to be here for her. I sat in my truck all day in the parking lot at her work reading Rachel Reiland's "Get me out of here" and I felt the pain and hope of that story and began to truly understand my girlfriends pain. I know that me waiting here being there for her all day helped. The flowers didn't hurt. But she continued to distance herself after that and keeps saying she's not sure about staying with me and only yesterday seemed to almost get back to her old self, but today she has only mentioned feeling really bad mentally. I asked if ther was any one thing bothering her, no response. I told her that I know she is struggling but in here to talk to her if she wants, no response. I told her that if I was dealing with everything she was and feeling it as extremely as she does I probably wouldn't want to talk either hit I'm still here for her no matter what, no response.

Not sure what else I can do. I know not everything that has happened is all my fault, but I know that I made everything worse by not separating my emotions. As I said at the beginning, your stories give me hope.

[Lowmansdue]

Just an update if anyone is interested. I know there's no guarantees but my gf is kind of talking to me again and seems to want me and my kids to come for the weekend. She tells me not to expect any kind of intimacy to include hand holding hugs or kisses. And I told her thatnibkjndbof expected that and that I understand. I am trying not to push her and I keep letting her know that in not expecting another chance to show her that I am working only own failings, but that I will keep hoping she gives me an opportunity to show her I am there for her. Even if it's only as friends, which would hurt tremendously. She is saying inkovebyiu to me again but of course it's hard to tell which feelings are included with the words. Loving me as a friend, cause she dies use that phrase with friends a lot, or if she's feeling the love she has for me again. I am not sure what to expect, but in really hoping she can find it I get heart to stay with me

[an0ught]

Hi Lowmansdue,

I think I'm starting to sound like a desperate wet blanket

    

You can't change her mind! Give up on that.

What you can do is work on yourself. You sound beaten down. It is tough to get up from the floor then. You on the floor is not an attractive proposition for her. So simply for yourself and also to increase your chances with her: Take good care of YOURSELF!

I think I've screwed up for good. Last week I got so frustrated with my girlfriend that. I had an appointment to go finalize my my divorce, which was in progress when we got together many months ago, and my girlfriend couldn't understand my need to go meet wig my lawyer and the judge that day. She had been under a lot of pressure with many other things but I just took it personally that she didn't believe my motives or what I was doing. I got so frustrated and angry that I basically decided to give up. I took all my stuff from her apartment, spraining my ankle in my haste and took just about everything from her place and dropped it off at my house on the way to the courthouse. We continued to argue all day and she told me to leave, and I informed her that I had already take almost everything. I really thought it was over. Then when I went back to get the last of my stuff she screamed and through things at me and told me to just get out. Then she huddled on the ground crying and I just couldn't leave, I realized all the pain I had caused her by letting my emotions get the best of me and I just held her and she asked me to stay. But everyday after that I can tell based on her words and actions that my almost leaving may have caused irreparable damage and I think she's on the verge of breaking up with me permanently. She's cold and distant and I can tell she's hurting. It seems like even though I have treated her better than all her ex's I have hurt her the worst. I need help to save our relationship. Any advice at all would really be appreciated.

- Being in a relationship with you she is taking a huge risk of being left. A huge risk of being hurt. - Can you see (I know you do) and ACKNOWLEDGE that to her?

- No promise will reduce this risk. Anything you do in that direction will be invalidating her abandonment fear and make it worse. - Can you see that (maybe learn about validation and invalidation) and can you avoid JADE (Justification, Argue, Defend or Explain) in your words and actions?

- There is a very strong sense and fear of abandonment in you. It is good that you write here   Dealing with that sort of thing can be overwhelming. Part of it is genuinely yours, part of it comes from typical closeness of a BPD relationship and part of it is hers. Can you take steps to deal with it in ways that does not involve her? Can you acknowledge it to her without sounding like a wet blanket (could be quite validating)?

Right now: Avoid invalidation/JADE, Validate where you can and avoid extreme actions (boundaries = rules for yourself). Don't feed her drama but acknowledge that it is a truly big, life what am I saying universe changing one. Take good care of the basics - food and sleep. You need your strength whether the relationship continues or not the next drama is just around the corner.

Hang in there

[Lowmansdue]

Well we spent a short weekend together and though we were not intimate, which I expected and don't consider a big issue, we did kiss hig and hold hands. She wanted me to come with no expectations of anything, which I understand and accepted. But I felt like we both wanted the closeness back. But she's worried I will hurt her. I helped her with her taxes and gave her some kid free alone time and I think it went well. On the way back with my kids last night she did say she was going to give us another try, but that I need to continue to work on me and show her the changes. I'm learning that I have a lot of codependent traits and am looking into ways to change these, which I don't always recognize. If I don't work on myself I won't be any good for her and will only end up hurting her. So I'm definitely committed to working on me, and hoping that it will carry over into all aspects of my life.