Tall Tales

[bravhart1]

Is it normal for kids with BPD parents(s) to be more prone to lying?

I call them tall tales in our house. SD7 can tell some whoppers! Just this morning I brought her a "box top" that is collected at her school. She went on to tell me that her mom gets buckets of box tops for her school for free when she goes to the store. From there it proceded to be that when her mom goes to the store, she is left alone with the family dog for safety, the family dog being a 12 year old beagle. From there it's "my dog has killed before", once when my mom was at the store and the dog was watching me, a robber/killer broke in and the dog bit his leg and he died. My mom said not to tell you about it because she thought you would take me away for leaving me alone.

 

I'm just speechless at this point, I want to just say to her "if these dumb box tops are too much" we can just quit doing it. I don't really call her on it, I usually just listen to the story and comment about wow that must have been a difficult time for you, I'm actually quite surprised that didn't make bigger news. It seems like it would have been a bigger deal. She just says, "ya I know that's what I thought" and  moves on.

I have raised my own children, and I know some exaggeration is normal, but these seem like some pretty big whoppers. She also seems to fill in and tell a lot of stories about when her mom was her age. It seems like she knows more about her moms childhood than her own,  although I believe much of it to be also made up.

Anyone else have this?

[highroadstepmom]

I don't know about tall tales but I have noticed that whatever we do in the kids lives, uBPD bio mom makes clear to the kids that whatever she does (box tops, breath, blink) is far superior to anything that could ever happen or be done in our home.

So if it was mentioned to bio mom that you were helping with box tops that could trigger the worthlessness that BPD folks can feel so maybe she needed to compete to show that she is the only one who can do it to get rid of that worthless feeling.

Now, the dog story, I'm not sure but I wouldn't rule out that your SD is translating some version of absurdness she heard from biomom... .that your SD has been told she needs the dog for protection... .or that bad people may come.  In my DH's case, uBPDx has had spells of paranoia about her safety - and has no filter so everything would be shared with the kids.

I find that my step kids will sometimes float a version of what their mom says to us. I think kids get intuitively that the truth may be related to but not exactly what BPD parent says - especially if what BPD parent says is inflammatory, kooky, or against the other parent. Maybe your step daughter was left alone and scared? Or maybe bio mom flipped out recently and pointed out all of the horrible things that could happen to a child left alone? Again... .my experience is that BPDx has no filter... .so the kids hear it ALL.

I say, keep doing what you're doing and participate in your SDs life and send in those boxtops. We use the phrase 'sport parenting' in our house - we don't do stuff for and with the kids to compete with the other parent, we do it because we are good parents and want to be involved in the kids' lives. If bio mom wants to do the same thing you're doing to the hundredth power, let her.

Your SD may be mirroring the kinds of things BPD bio mom tells her. I know it hurts the kids when I correct some bit of crazy they repeat but they know we don't lie or exaggerate.

Hang in there!

[bravhart1]

I really liked what you had to say. It does feel better to know that others are going though the same stupid stuff.

It's amazing to me how similar these kids are when they have BPD parent(s).

My SD will go to great lengths to "out do" bravhart with some story about biomom, and some times I just want to say "really?", but I don't I let her have her idea that biomom is better, stronger, faster, etc. it's what she needs to believe. I don't feel I compete with biomom with SD, I even go out of my way to see if I can find things that biomom does right and praise her for it to SD. (which isn't easy by a long shot, for one biomom doesn't do most things right, and the woman wouldn't spit on me if I was on fire)

[Thunderstruck]

SD11 was very loyal to her mom at that age. I don't specifically remember her making stories up like that, but she does have a very vivid imagination. Her uBPDmom does often make grand promises to her (that she never delivers on).

SD used to often say "My mom says this that and the other". I used to just listen and say "Oh, what do you think?". SD would usually respond with "My mom lies". She can be pretty grounded. Sometimes.

[highroadstepmom]

Thunderstruck is right on with the loyalty. My step kids verbalize loyalty to uBPDx a lot. I think they are asked by uBPDx to validate her a lot. And, what kid isn't loyal to their parents? I can't imagine the loyalty conflict kids of BPDs go through because the BPD is a black white thinker - you love dad or you love mom, mom is good and dad is bad. So I think the kind of language Thunderstruck suggests is right on.

Step parenting is thankless enough at times (though the rewards are great) never mind the addition of this disorder to navigate and to help little ones navigate. Be loving. Be truthful. Be consistent.

[david]

Our youngest did similar things when he was 5 through around 8.

I found that what previous posts said, "Be kind. Be loving. Be consistent." helps a lot. Also " Oh, what do you think ?" is a great way to understand what the child ids thinking.

He is 12 now and, in the last few months, has started to challenge his moms' perceptions of things directly with her. I saw that occur with our older boy too. That was the start of him being painted black. He is 17 now and minimizes his interactions with her.