Help: I need a response to repeat text from BPDw

[Concerns]

Hi, so my wife and I are basically separated but still living together for financial reasons. It's a hard road. She has emotionally attached herself to another man already and will text/communicate with him primarily. Yet she sometimes acts like she still wants to be with me and is just confused by what she wants. I want to work it out but she refuses to go to therapy.

I have wanted to limit my contact with her over text. We do have a son so we need some contact. However when I don't reach out to her, her response is "Guess you're not talking to me?". This is her goto hook/canned response bc she knows it will force a reaction/response.

I just don't know how to respond to this. Its her emotional hook and I need your help with constructing a response. Sometimes I want to say nothing in response, sometimes I want to text/YELL bc i'm hurt, usually I respond and her hook works. I normally feel like an idiot for being suckered into responding. Do I just not respond? Confused... .

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[1minuteatatime]

However when I don't reach out to her, her response is "Guess you're not talking to me?". This is her goto hook/canned response bc she knows it will force a reaction/response.

Do I just not respond? Confused... .

Exactly.  Respond when you decide.  no apologies.  no explanation needed.

you know what you owe her?  Nothing.  She owes you the same.  If you aren't together, all talk is the kids.  

You owe your kid that.

one more thing:

Nothing forces a reaction.  Unless you allow it.  Unless you decide to react.

[1minuteatatime]

However when I don't reach out to her, her response is "Guess you're not talking to me?". This is her goto hook/canned response bc she knows it will force a reaction/response.

Do I just not respond? Confused... .

Exactly.  Respond when you decide.  no apologies.  no explanation needed.

you know what you owe her?  Nothing.  She owes you the same.  If you aren't together, all talk is the kids.  

You owe your kid that.

one more thing:

Nothing forces a reaction.  Unless you allow it.  Unless you decide to react.

[/quote

You know how I said nothing forces a reaction.  This happened.  Today... . My BPD ex texted me:

Her:  Good Morning

Me(an hour later):  Morning

Her (30 seconds later):  I've thought about what we talked about, and I don't want to go any further with you, I hope you understand(She agreed to finalize the divorce)

Me:  ... . (I didn't reply. Not even with dots!  I won't.  Period)

Funny.  She could have sent that text at anytime.  Why wait for me to respond, first and immediately text?  :)rama?  reaction?  That is what I did the last couple of interactions during the silly season.  

Just giving a real world example of not reacting.  Maybe I should have asked what made her feel that way.  But I didn't.  I decided the best policy was no response.

I can control myself.  My reactions.  She doesn't control me or own me.  I love her.  Always will.  I don't think it is meant to be, though.  She is likely right.  We are not compatible.(what she said at the break up)  I am too ok with myself, now.  She doesn't like that, I am guessing.

No matter.  I have a date tomorrow.  I am moving on without her.  If she comes back, she will have to show up at my door or find me.  I won't reply.  

[cosmonaut]

Have you established a boundary with your partner about what degree of contact you want to have?  She can't violate a boundary if you haven't set one.  I think the first step is to think about what you are willing to accept regarding contact, and then the next step is to set that boundary with her.

[naguma]

If you want to be with her, control your emotions.

scenario.

her:I guess you're not talking to me

5Mins.to 2 hours later

You:There is a new movie, want to go?

her:not really

Youk, I'll be home late. **** will probably go with me, if not someone will:) Look forward to seeing you later.

Alternatively if you want to cut contact unless it's about the kids

5 Mins ... .

you:Little Jimmy has an assignment in ****, can you make sure it gets done?

Point is to show no emotional response. Long as she know she can get one, she will force one.

[Concerns]

I realize I do need some work on my "emotional armor". I have always been this way from what I can remember. I'm internally reactive meaning the things people say to me effect me internally. I've been getting better on this since my BPD r/s but my wife is very good at pushing buttons and getting reactions out of people to serve her own self-interest. She's an expert. She has been working on this for a long time... .I think this is one of the reasons non's have a harder time dealing with BPD behavior. We are only exposed to it and they have been living this since they were children. We have to develop the skill to even approach dealing with BPD behavior effectively. Of course, unless you have dealt with it before. 

[MapleBob]

Have you established a boundary with your partner about what degree of contact you want to have?  She can't violate a boundary if you haven't set one.  I think the first step is to think about what you are willing to accept regarding contact, and then the next step is to set that boundary with her.

I think this is really important. From her side of things, I could definitely see it being annoying or upsetting or at least confusing to not get a response to a text, with no clearly-stated boundary there.

[Herodias]

Is it me or is all of this texting just ridiculous... .Don't people talk any more? I think when you can't see a face or hear the voice it is easy to misinterpret things. Especially for them! I have totally noticed that my ex took allot of things wrong since he didn;t hear how I meant them... .I never know how to respond either. I guess texting keeps people at a distance. The nice person in me wants to respond to him. The realistic person knows he is triangulating me. I think you could set up a boundary with her since she has told you hers... .I would tell her you will only discuss things about your child, if that's how you want to handle it. You have to decide what you want to do. You may change your mind allot too... .that's normal. This is a hard thing to deal with. Sorry you are going through it. Especially in the same home.

[divina]

I am confused. Why are you texting each other when you are still living in the same household?

[Concerns]

Thank you for the responses. My wife ignores boundaries. I know they are my boundaries but even if I set one up, she will ignore it.

I have to agree that the advent of texting to communicate is relatively ridiculous. It doesn't convey context very well or intention. I think it creates a disconnect when the purpose is supposed to be more connection. I don't think it really serves communication. I'm also starting to believe that texting can be a tool used by pwBPD as a means to reinforce their illness. It also makes me think it may also be a way to insert validation into a pwBPD.   

It is hard to deal with. Thanks for the understanding.

We aren't texting each other while we are at home. One of us is usually at work and the other is watching our son. 

[livednlearned]

Hi Concerns,

You're in a tough situation, and it sounds like you still have feelings for her. How excessive is the texting? What kind of information is she sending you that you prefer not to engage with?

My wife ignores boundaries. I know they are my boundaries but even if I set one up, she will ignore it.

A boundary in this situation might be telling her that you will respond only to texts about your son. This means that you have control over how you protect your boundary. She may violate the boundary because her disorder causes her to be impulsive and her wants feel intensely like needs. Your response is to ignore what isn't about your son and respond when it is.

We often want our BPD loved ones to bear the responsibility for their behavior. If we find it hard to protect our own boundaries, we cannot expect it will be any easier for our partners to do this. I think we get worn down and want to shift the work when we know deep down that we need to do this for ourselves, especially in a BPD relationship where they are dealing with intense emotions and impulsivity.

Your wife probably likes texting because it's a way to immediately gratify a need she feels and this helps her manage a lot of anxiety over small things that don't necessarily phase us. Not saying we need to engage with people who are feeling excessively anxious and impulsive, only to explain that texting probably manifests some of her internal state in ways that can be challenging to close others.

She probably craves stability more than she can express. Maybe when defining boundaries, you could offer her some routine and structure that appeals to her need for stability, without making her feel rejected or abandoned. "I am glad you communicate with me about our son and texting is a good way to do that. Going forward, to maintain some structure, I will answer any texts about him. If you want to have a longer conversation, I will be available to talk by phone at this time or that time."

Something like that so she is less likely to resort to passive-aggressive texts to hook you.