Validation during a personal attack

[waitingwife]

I am in a good position however I am trying to be prepared for what is going to come! Like I said I am going to work more on validation with my Therapist however I have a question for you all. How do you validate when your BPDH launches a personal attack by saying "you are controlling or insensitive or anything that we know we aren't "? Validating in this scenario seems like enmeshing with their emotion of us?

I have really been doing a lot of reading about validation and radical acceptance over and iver again to get all the perspectives from various angles.

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[C.Stein]

How do you validate when your BPDH launches a personal attack by saying "you are controlling or insensitive or anything that we know we aren't "?

Have you tried to identify why he would feel whatever he is saying is true?  If you can understand where he is coming from it might be easier to see a way to validate his feelings, be they with good reason or not.

[sweetheart]

1.I can hear you're angry with me, what's happened that's caused you to feel like this?

2.Help me understand the things that I'm doing that are upsetting you, we can sort it out together.

Like C.Stein has said try and listen out for the underlying feeling and validate that. Try not to defend yourself against the accusation.

Think of yourself as an 'emotions detective' trying to uncover the feeling subtext to your h's accusations about you.

Even if you get the emotion wrong, it doesn't matter, he will hopefully clarify how he feels at this point.

It takes practice and inevitably you'll make mistakes.

Have you looked at the info on Validating Questions? I find them really helpful.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=273415.0

It is worth saying nothing is foolproof, sometimes the attack will still escalate and no amount of validating will work. Time to withdraw and try again when things are calmer.

[SweetCharlotte]

If all else fails, disengage with love.

Sometimes, when the pwBPD is in a full rage or fit of vituperation, it's too late for validation.

It's true that you shouldn't validate by accepting blame.

Say something like, "I can't listen to this right now," and leave the room or go out.

[waverider]

SET



Support. Acknowledge what he says, inquire why he thinks that way

Empathy Acknowledge that it must feel awful to believe that

Truth Clarify that is not your intention and not the way you thought you were coming across.

That way you are not invalidating his perception yet clarifying your perception and intent.

Stay aware from "your wrong, I'm right" thats just raising the battle flag