Can someone explain triggering

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi everyone, I was reading something about BPD and triggers and wanted to understand more. Can someone help me make sense of this? I guess I am just looking to understand a little better. After we broke up in August we didn't talk for 3 weeks. The end of September and all of October we were texting, talking and hanging out two times a week. It was never the same as it was before we broke up though. He was on edge more, snappy, very disregulated . And I was trying to appease him. I assume they call that triggering. I guess just being around me was triggering him. At the time I had no clue he had cheated on me out whole relationship and he was in still dating other girls without my knowledge . So my question is . When he was acting to erratic and unstable at the end was it due to all the secrets and lies he was doing to me and being around me was triggering these feelings because he didn't know how to process his own guilt or shame ? Just curious to see how he went from periodic rages and emotional outbursts to an almost constant steady stream of mean outburst, cold and distancing behaviors . Did I remind him of all his lies and deceit ? Or was he just wanting to abuse me because he felt bad about himself . Or he just hated me but couldn't let me fully go as they tend to do . I guess. It all makes me feel bad like he never cared or just stopped which feels worse than never caring

[Itstopsnow]

Hi everyone, I was reading something about BPD and triggers and wanted to understand more. Can someone help me make sense of this? I guess I am just looking to understand a little better. After we broke up in August we didn't talk for 3 weeks. The end of September and all of October we were texting, talking and hanging out two times a week. It was never the same as it was before we broke up though. He was on edge more, snappy, very disregulated . And I was trying to appease him. I assume they call that triggering. I guess just being around me was triggering him. At the time I had no clue he had cheated on me out whole relationship and he was in still dating other girls without my knowledge . So my question is . When he was acting to erratic and unstable at the end was it due to all the secrets and lies he was doing to me and being around me was triggering these feelings because he didn't know how to process his own guilt or shame ? Just curious to see how he went from periodic rages and emotional outbursts to an almost constant steady stream of mean outburst, cold and distancing behaviors . Did I remind him of all his lies and deceit ? Or was he just wanting to abuse me because he felt bad about himself . Or he just hated me but couldn't let me fully go as they tend to do . I guess. It all makes me feel bad like he never cared or just stopped which feels worse than never caring

[sweetheart]

Itstopsnow, I hope this link helps.

We all have emotional triggers.

www.mindbodygreen.com/0-18348/what-are-emotional-triggers-why-you-need-to-understand-them.html

[fromheeltoheal]

When he was acting to erratic and unstable at the end was it due to all the secrets and lies he was doing to me and being around me was triggering these feelings because he didn't know how to process his own guilt or shame ?

Probably not.  BPD is a shame-based disorder so borderlines use their psychological tools to not feel that, otherwise the dam would break and they'd succumb to the shame.  Think attachments with borderlines, and once one is established, a borderline fears losing it, being abandoned, and also fears getting too close and losing themselves, being engulfed, constant opposing fears that they may not be consciously cognizant of, it just shows up as feelings.  So when you broke up in August in his head you abandoned him, so getting back together the fear of abandonment was stronger, you already abandoned him once, which is why it wasn't the same.  And his reactions, on edge, snappy, dysregulated, were him triggered by your abandonment, meaning the fact you broke up, your behavior and his interpretation of it, caused him to fear abandonment more strongly.

Triggers are events that stimulate an emotional response.  Example: someone says something your mean father used to say when you were a kid, and the hair stands up on the back of your neck and you feel anxious, or someone touches your shoulder in a way someone kind from your past used to, and it makes you feel warm and cared for.  Or a song comes on the radio that was played at your mother's funeral, so you go back there emotionally immediately.  You get the idea, and there are many of those between partners in a relationship, which can also be labelled "pushing your buttons", although those are intentional and usually malicious, yes?

[Rmbrworst]

My exBPD always said "You're triggering me." Or "This and this triggers me."

I wonder if he knew he had issues and never told me, because "triggered" isnt a word I hear someone use as often as he did.  It's just not regular lingo

[Itstopsnow]

Very interesting. It was just so weird! It was like his mask was totally off and he was so snappy! I knew that walking on eggshells for those two months. He wanted to be with me and call and text daily but when we hung out. He was a raw nerve half the time . He was dating like 4 girls I think then. Bc I wasn't his steady anymore, it gave him more time to play the field. Bc he was with me 24/7 and I talked and texted a lot too. So dating me was a full time job ! When you're trying to serial cheat . He is gross

[1minuteatatime]

When he was acting to erratic and unstable at the end was it due to all the secrets and lies he was doing to me and being around me was triggering these feelings because he didn't know how to process his own guilt or shame ?

Probably not.  BPD is a shame-based disorder so borderlines use their psychological tools to not feel that, otherwise the dam would break and they'd succumb to the shame.  Think attachments with borderlines, and once one is established, a borderline fears losing it, being abandoned, and also fears getting too close and losing themselves, being engulfed, constant opposing fears that they may not be consciously cognizant of, it just shows up as feelings.  So when you broke up in August in his head you abandoned him, so getting back together the fear of abandonment was stronger, you already abandoned him once, which is why it wasn't the same.  And his reactions, on edge, snappy, dysregulated, were him triggered by your abandonment, meaning the fact you broke up, your behavior and his interpretation of it, caused him to fear abandonment more strongly.

Triggers are events that stimulate an emotional response.  Example: someone says something your mean father used to say when you were a kid, and the hair stands up on the back of your neck and you feel anxious, or someone touches your shoulder in a way someone kind from your past used to, and it makes you feel warm and cared for.  Or a song comes on the radio that was played at your mother's funeral, so you go back there emotionally immediately.  You get the idea, and there are many of those between partners in a relationship, which can also be labelled "pushing your buttons", although those are intentional and usually malicious, yes?

Agree.  Whether BPD or not, there can be "triggers".  When xmas time roll around, I have flashbacks of my dad who died in a very bad way.  I don't like to go to the grocery store or Walmart.  Nat King Cole, certain xmas songs, etc.  Lots of triggers.  My guess is that it is that times 1000 when it comes to abandonment.

My ex-gf was hyper sensitive about everything.  She knew about my pain and I don't think she believes how I not only survive but just keep plodding forward.  Of course, there's pain.  Anger.  Whatever.  But there is only one way for me.  Forard and through... .

[SummerStorm]

We all have triggers, but many of us have learned to cope with them in some way. 

Generally speaking, I can usually tell what things might trigger my BPD friend, but not always. 

[Learning Fast]

Triggers are events that stimulate an emotional response.  Example: someone says something your mean father used to say when you were a kid, and the hair stands up on the back of your neck and you feel anxious, or someone touches your shoulder in a way someone kind from your past used to, and it makes you feel warm and cared for.  Or a song comes on the radio that was played at your mother's funeral, so you go back there emotionally immediately.  You get the idea, and there are many of those between partners in a relationship, which can also be labelled "pushing your buttons", although those are intentional and usually malicious, yes

HTH,

This is a great summary of triggers that describes the behavior at our level.  Think about the way an average non is triggered by a song, restaurant, vacation spot or just driving by somewhere where you spent time with your ex (I certainly know that I am).  It must be 100x more emotionally impactful and painful for pwBPD.  It better explains the dissociation behavior exhibited by pwBPD in terms of them wanting to completely disconnect from these triggers.

LF

[Itstopsnow]

Well thing I don't understand . How come at the end after we broke up. He had his second girlfriend . He could of walked away but he kept calling and coming back to hang out. I didn't know about her being his girlfriend . But I did notice his behavior now was much worse . He was always on edge, snapped way more often at least 3 times each time we hung out. But would sob hysterically when we part. He kept saying we should try again in a few months. And honestly it's over.  Just curious to why he was extra raw nerve like at this time. I was wondering if I was reminding him of all his lies or it I was stirring up some kind of guilt. It was the first time I really felt on eggshells . Just wondering if anyone experienced that or knows what that was .