Facebook question..this may sound trivial but could cause a major issue

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I have not been on Facebook for over two weeks. I quit going on it because it's really the same old stuff AND anytime I would get on it my wife would expect me to like and comment on anything and everything she put on. If I did not, then she felt invalidated. She was even honest and said she felt validated by me commenting an liking her posts. She would grill me if I did not. She even began saying things to my D22 but in a "joking" way if my daughter would not like her stuff

It's going to come up eventually why I don't go on any longer. She will eventually tell me to log on and like something. She has defriended me, blocked me changed my picture to her son's picture at previous times when she has gotten mad at me... .I mean it's just weird.

A couple of weeks ago she told me she went on my ex wife's FB page to see if her husband comments on her stuff and she said " Billy comments on suzie's stuff all the time" It really made me mad but I didn't make a big issue about it, jut told her that was strange she was looking at my ex wife Facebook page.

I guess both line it wouldn't hurt to do it but I don't want to feel controlled its bad enough with other issues

[byfaith]

I have not been on Facebook for over two weeks. I quit going on it because it's really the same old stuff AND anytime I would get on it my wife would expect me to like and comment on anything and everything she put on. If I did not, then she felt invalidated. She was even honest and said she felt validated by me commenting an liking her posts. She would grill me if I did not. She even began saying things to my D22 but in a "joking" way if my daughter would not like her stuff

It's going to come up eventually why I don't go on any longer. She will eventually tell me to log on and like something. She has defriended me, blocked me changed my picture to her son's picture at previous times when she has gotten mad at me... .I mean it's just weird.

A couple of weeks ago she told me she went on my ex wife's FB page to see if her husband comments on her stuff and she said " Billy comments on suzie's stuff all the time" It really made me mad but I didn't make a big issue about it, jut told her that was strange she was looking at my ex wife Facebook page.

I guess both line it wouldn't hurt to do it but I don't want to feel controlled its bad enough with other issues

[Notwendy]

ByFaith, I'm an adult on Facebook and my reasons for being on there are different from my teen kids. They make a big deal over "liking" something or someone "liking" them. I am on there to share pictures with friends/family far away, catch up on family news, or sometimes a friendly ( we keep it that) debate over politics. My kids are into who likes who and all that.

Pw BPD may have immature emotions, but I think it is up to the non to keep an adult perspective. Your wife can act like a teen on FB, but you don't have to.

Often a reaction can be dysfunctional at either extreme. You can be on there and do what she wants, act like a teen with her, as a form of appeasement. But then, you are likely to feel resentment as you do. However, avoiding FB is still because of her. It is the opposite reaction to her behavior and so, it is still a form of avoidance of her emotional issues.

Can you, instead, be on FB according to you, your principals- be an adult on FB. You don't have to JADE or explain. If she gets at you, can you stand still, in the storm and not react? What you do on FB is a reflection of you. Yes, there will probably be an extinction burst, she may friend and unfriend you a gazillian times. This has nothing to do with you. But by being an adult on FB, you are being you, and also setting the standard for being an adult in this dispute.

[formflier]

 

The control thing is currently a big thing in my r/s. 

Here is my advice.  Live your life on and off facebook the way it works for you and not anyone else. 

Now, that doesn't mean that you have to be "mean" about it.  But you need to have a couple non-confrontational ways of discussing it. 

Also, if you go down this path, don't turn back. 

My guess is the best way to do it is to stop "liking" stuff.

Let her pitch her fit and ignore it if she does.

FF

[HurtinNW]

My boyfriend has used facebook a lot against me in our relationship. It's part of what someone termed triangulation by proxy in another thread. For my boyfriend, that means when he gets mad at me he will go change his profile pic to pure black. He starts posting endless sad and self-pitying songs, and making sure the point is clear by quoting the lyrics that demonstrate how victimized he feels. When he breaks up with me the self-pity train runs nonstop. He picks songs that are about men being victimized by mean, cruel women. Again, he makes sure to quote the lyrics.

The really sad thing is he is a 56 year-old man.

Overtime I've learned to detach from it. It's sad, he loses more friends all the time, he is oblivious to how immature it comes off. 

In the past I asked him about it, his answer was incoherent and defensive. He claimed it was a diary of sorts for him, and denied he was trying to get attention or sympathy. I gave up arguing with him about it. It can be embarrassing when someone is acting out this way, but it is embarrassing for them, not us. My teenagers are more mature on social media.

Like ff says, I decided to live my life the way I want. He is free to do whatever he pleases on his facebook. I recently decided to reduce my facebook usage. I had lots of reasons to, mostly that it is emotional static for me, but also because the whole issue was not worth it. I stopped caring about what he was doing and not letting him try to provoke me. I stepped out of the battle. If I reengage I plan to make sure I don't see his ridiculous posts. You can do this by choosing "unfollow" with someone.

My suggestion is if this is important to you, do as you please and let her deal with it, but be kind and mature about it.

[Notwendy]

HW - if your bf's friends are also his age, they won't be impressed by this. I understand that being painted black to his friends is hurtful to you, but if this is how he is acting on FB, it is likely to reflect poorly on him.

One of my kids' friends posts her relationship drama on FB. If she is mad at her bf she posts things that she knows he will see, but they are about him. Even her friends see through it, and they are teens.

It's someone's choice to do what they want on FB. I find that I don't like to see this kind of thing from anyone, so I reduce the input- "see less from this poster".

We can have a boundary on our FB interactions.

[HurtinNW]

HW - if your bf's friends are also his age, they won't be impressed by this. I understand that being painted black to his friends is hurtful to you, but if this is how he is acting on FB, it is likely to reflect poorly on him.

One of my kids' friends posts her relationship drama on FB. If she is mad at her bf she posts things that she knows he will see, but they are about him. Even her friends see through it, and they are teens.

It's someone's choice to do what they want on FB. I find that I don't like to see this kind of thing from anyone, so I reduce the input- "see less from this poster".

We can have a boundary on our FB interactions.

Thank you, notwendy!

I'm sure his friends are not impressed! When I am on just "unfollow" him. It seems funny to unfollow your own boyfriend, but that way I don't see what he is posting. He also doesn't know I unfollowed him, either. People don't know when you do that.