Don't know what to do

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Let me start by saying I am and out lesbian. Last summer there was this straight woman I like. I finally got up the nerve to say something to after almost 2 yrs. I was relieved to know she felt the same for me. Shortly after I express my feelings to her she wanted us to find an apt together. I had to put the brakes on that because it just didn't seem right it was too quick. I been on my own for past 6yrs  after a 15 yr relationship and want to take it slowly which I expressed and she knew from all our talks etc.  She disclosed to me she had borderline personality and I really didn't know what that meant. (i like to think I have a better understanding now) Let me try and explain past few weeks with her have been very confusing to me. I got a very expensive gift from her (jewelry) I loved it but again it didn't feel right to me it would be something you would give your significant other and we weren't anywhere near that point.  I was on fence to keep it and she made my mind up for me two days later. She has a co-worker who is interested in her apparently and he wanted to take her out she messaged me and told me that and she wanted me to be her "excuse" not to go. That pissed me off I am no one's excuse or will I be a 2nd choice. I sent the jewelry back I did not feel right.  I didn't talk to her for a few days and when I did she apologized for the way she worded to be her excuse and we got talking and my guard was coming down. Then she stops talking to me entirely it's been a few days and it's like why am I getting the silent treatment. It's like we do this dance back and forth and I seriously don't have the energy for that. I like things to be consistent then it feels like she is trying to use the guy to make me jealous - is that what triangulation is? Do I run away from this situation now? She seems conflicted with her sexuality and then add in this BPD stuff it makes things harder.  As much as I would like to send her a text I refrained and am keeping my distance.  

[preludegirl]

Let me start by saying I am and out lesbian. Last summer there was this straight woman I like. I finally got up the nerve to say something to after almost 2 yrs. I was relieved to know she felt the same for me. Shortly after I express my feelings to her she wanted us to find an apt together. I had to put the brakes on that because it just didn't seem right it was too quick. I been on my own for past 6yrs  after a 15 yr relationship and want to take it slowly which I expressed and she knew from all our talks etc.  She disclosed to me she had borderline personality and I really didn't know what that meant. (i like to think I have a better understanding now) Let me try and explain past few weeks with her have been very confusing to me. I got a very expensive gift from her (jewelry) I loved it but again it didn't feel right to me it would be something you would give your significant other and we weren't anywhere near that point.  I was on fence to keep it and she made my mind up for me two days later. She has a co-worker who is interested in her apparently and he wanted to take her out she messaged me and told me that and she wanted me to be her "excuse" not to go. That pissed me off I am no one's excuse or will I be a 2nd choice. I sent the jewelry back I did not feel right.  I didn't talk to her for a few days and when I did she apologized for the way she worded to be her excuse and we got talking and my guard was coming down. Then she stops talking to me entirely it's been a few days and it's like why am I getting the silent treatment. It's like we do this dance back and forth and I seriously don't have the energy for that. I like things to be consistent then it feels like she is trying to use the guy to make me jealous - is that what triangulation is? Do I run away from this situation now? She seems conflicted with her sexuality and then add in this BPD stuff it makes things harder.  As much as I would like to send her a text I refrained and am keeping my distance.  

[thisagain]

Welcome to bpdfamily, Prelude 

I'm also a lesbian, and the confused disordered straight women can really do a number on us! A major BPD trait is lack of a sense of self. That sometimes turns into confusion about sexual orientation (in either direction -- my BPD ex was a lesbian who would occasionally get out-of-control and decide she was bi and needed sex with men).

You seem to have great instincts for dealing with BPD. You're absolutely right that her behavior with this guy is triangulation. People with BPD often also idealize you at the beginning of the relationship and want to get too close, too fast. Hence the fancy gift and wanting to get an apartment. You can learn more about BPD here: BPD: What is it? How can I tell?

We can't decide for you whether you should run away. You're right to take it slowly, and to try to gain more understanding of what you might getting yourself into.

How long ago did you express your feelings for her, and how did the relationship develop after that? How have these past few days of silent treatment made you feel?

Keep posting and telling us more of the story as you get comfortable. There are a lot of great resources here to help you understand BPD and how to protect yourself, whether you continue the relationship or not.

[preludegirl]

Hi thisagain,

Yeah I have had my share of disappointments with straight women. You brought up a good point in terms of identity my friend is in her 50's and now she wants to explore being a lesbian and or bi? I mean for me it was different I knew when I was young child I liked girls and I came out when I was 20.  She keeps saying she wants to kiss and that will be her answer to being les/bi? She also told me if she was to be lesbian relationship it would have to be kept a secret because of her family. I am 45yrs and not going back in the closet!

I have read a bunch on stuff online about BPD just so I could have a clear understanding and so I could be supportive to her.  I talked to her last Friday about my feelings and we seemed to "both" be opening up more and it felt nice. I don't know changed all in a few hours for her to back up the way she has. It makes me feel confused because I don't know what happened, hurt because in last correspondence she dismissed things I was going through and I didn't matter and angry because the jealousy she inflicted with the guy keeps running through my head she is with him and reason for no contact.

[thisagain]

Does she show any concern for YOUR feelings and how the kissing etc would affect YOU? Or is she just using you? I know some people who came out much later in life and don't seem to have mental illness, but like you, I find it hard to understand. I also came out around 20, despite growing up in a family and religious community that made it very difficult to realize I was gay.

It's really painful to feel like you're both opening up and getting closer, and then have her push you away again. That kind of push-pull dynamic is common in BPD relationships. They need the attention and validation of a relationship, but they are also terrified of getting too close and losing themselves (goes back to not having their own sense of self). So the closer you get, the more threatened they feel. They have to distance themselves by giving you silent treatment, pushing you away, bringing in a third person, etc.

[preludegirl]

No she is showing no concern for my feelings and it's making me feel bad. It can't be all about her and her needs. When in a relationship it's important to for both people to listen to one another. A kiss isn't going to be that magical answer for her shes searching for nor am I am I going to allow myself to be used because she confused about who she is.  I asked her had she had feelings about women before now and she said no. I am the first woman she has feelings for like that. I have kept communication open on that trying to understand how she is feeling. She gets anxious and thinks I want sex.  I do not operate like that sex right away. I am old fashioned in that sense and need a good foundation of trust/communication etc. I think she is mad I haven't made the move to kiss maybe that's why the guy gets mentioned like I have to step up my game? Again I don't work like that either everything thing has to be in place for me to share myself in intimately.  I came out to in very religious italian family and it was hard for years I pleased them by dating guys and they were happy and I wasn't til I made a stand for myself and said this is who I am =) I understand how my friends concern with her family and they are not very accepting of her as it is.  Just I can't go back in the closet... .


This back and forth is really pushing me back.  4 days of nothing. I have done everything I can and it just doesn't seem like anything is good enough for her. How can they lose themselves if they have so real sense of self? Then have the guy on the side that is too damn confusing if they don't want close relationships of any sort. Very confusing all this.

[Suzn]

Welcome preludegirl  

Shortly after I express my feelings to her she wanted us to find an apt together. I had to put the brakes on that because it just didn't seem right it was too quick.    

Good for you for recognizing things were moving too fast for you. You enforced a boundary here for your own perseverance.

She also told me if she was to be lesbian relationship it would have to be kept a secret because of her family. I am 45yrs and not going back in the closet!

It's good that you know what you want your life to look like. You can't change what she wants her life to look like though you can decide if you want to participate.

I talked to her last Friday about my feelings and we seemed to "both" be opening up more and it felt nice. I don't know changed all in a few hours for her to back up the way she has.

She has BPD and this is what BPD behavior looks like.

It makes me feel confused because I don't know what happened, hurt because in last correspondence she dismissed things I was going through and I didn't matter and angry because the jealousy she inflicted with the guy keeps running through my head she is with him and reason for no contact.

You are allowing yourself to be drawn in to this drama triangle. As hard as it is to believe, her behaviors have nothing to do with you. Triangulation is how she copes, this is common with BPD and likely won't change. Again you have the choice of whether or not to participate.

I'm sorry you are feeling hurt.    This would be a difficult situation for anyone. Your feelings of jealousy in this triangle/situation may be an internal sign that your involvement may not be in your best interests. I agree with thisagain, your instincts are good (listen to your instincts) and it may be a good idea looking over the links to the right of your screen under Choosing a Path---->

It's always ok to take a step back to re-evaluate a situation from a broader perspective.

[Circle]

Interesting thread. I think part of the problem is that you aren't seeing her actions clearly. She is behaving inconsistently. She is playing games: push/pulling and triangulating. She is in other words, not an ideal guide to lead you into the wilderness. Yet, you continue to have hopes for and with her.

Perhaps if you accept the fact that you are quite likely dealing with a disordered individual, you can make progress. This isn't going to be a person who suddenly changes and blossoms into an emotionally mature individual. They are going to continue to have unproductive ways of interacting.

Is that what you want to do to yourself? Is it worth it?

If you decide it is; at least you are going into the situation knowing what you are dealing with.

[SamwizeGamgee]

I sense maybe there are some big issues pressing on what is normally an exciting - and scary, and risky - part of life.  The issue of same-sex attraction / curiosity on your friend's part, and her admitted BPD traits.  Both alone can put an unusual spin on a relationship.  Even if you took out _both_ factors, starting a new relationship is always a bit of a trial, and let's not forget that not all relationships work anyway.  This happens regardless of anything bigger.

As we've read from others.  I agree that it sounds like you are most importantly aware of your own feelings, that it's too fast, you don't want to be used, and so forth.  That's all good. 

Fortunately, I'll say that you are blessed to be aware of the possible problems way ahead of when some others might.  It's much easier to stop something before it starts - before it starts really hurting you that is.  Keep in mind that straight, healthy, non-BPD, probably all have mixed-up feelings as they get to know each other - you are perfectly fine feeling the way you do.  Infatuation can turn off common sense.  Keep it slow and keep following your gut!