advice needed

[kc sunshine]

Last night my ex texted me telling me she wants to tell me something. I'm bracing for her to tell me that she's in a relationship now (instead of just casually seeing my replacement).  Now she won't tell me until I'm back in town in the middle of the week. That feels even worse, to have to wait for the bad news. Should I try to get her to tell me sooner or should I just leave it be? I'd so much rather know than not to know since she brought it up. It feels awful. Here's our exchange:

Ex:

   Hey... .I want to tell you something. Are you there... .?

Me:

   Too early to call?

Ex:

   At work already... .Maybe better to just wait til you get back anyway. Sound good?

Me:

   But now curious... .Can you write it?

Ex:

   No. Sorry for bringing it up! We can just talk when you get here. Still thinking tomorrow or Wednesday?

Any advice you all might have would be so welcome. Should I just swallow my anxiety and wait? Should I tell her that if it is about her relationship status, I'd prefer her to tell me now rather than waiting? Or should I do something else? 

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[livednlearned]

Hi kc,

Do you feel confident that you're interpreting your ex's emotional state accurately?

Just wondering if it might help to gather some more information before assuming what you may be (rightly) intuiting.

If so, perhaps we can help you think of short texts that will give you something to work with.

"Hey, your text has me wondering. Is everything ok?"

Or something like that.

[kc sunshine]

That sounds good... .but maybe since it is just a few days away, I can manage it. Perhaps I should just write "Sounds good and yes "

keeping it light and simple?

Or perhaps a slight modification on what you say like: "okay, that sounds like a good plan.Your text has me wondering though: Is everything okay?"

Hi kc,

Do you feel confident that you're interpreting your ex's emotional state accurately?

Just wondering if it might help to gather some more information before assuming what you may be (rightly) intuiting.

If so, perhaps we can help you think of short texts that will give you something to work with.

"Hey, your text has me wondering. Is everything ok?"

Or something like that.

[livednlearned]

Modification seems ok, although I always measure things against the BIFF model: brief, informative, friendly, firm -- which is about writing the shortest message possible to minimize the size of the target.

[kc sunshine]

Okay, I went with "sounds good and yes " which seems to fit the BIFF model pretty well. Now I have to manage the anxiety which I will try to do with mindfulness and exercise.

What does "minimizing the size of the target mean"?

thanks so much livednlearned.

Modification seems ok, although I always measure things against the BIFF model: brief, informative, friendly, firm -- which is about writing the shortest message possible to minimize the size of the target.

[livednlearned]

Minimizing the target means providing less information that could potentially trigger negative reactions.

I'm not sure about you, but in general, I tended to overshare, overexplain, over appease, and in general try to control the outcome in my emails. And that offers a lot of jumping off points for tangential arguments or misinterpretations, or opportunities for negative engagement.

Unrelated thought: have you checked out Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment by Amar Levine? There is a diagram in there for anxious attachment styles that was a real  for me about "protest" behaviors and activating attachment behaviors that happen when we don't feel secure in our relationships. It sort of helps explain the biology of the anxiety that we experience when it feels like our partners are retreating from a securely attached relationship.

It won't help you change how your ex behaves, but it can help explain some of the intense feelings of anxiety you feel with someone who inconsistently commits to you.

[kc sunshine]

This sounds like a great book livednlearned. I have to go get it.

This whole interaction has been really tough for me, I feel like it has set me back .

[livednlearned]

This sounds like a great book livednlearned. I have to go get it.

This whole interaction has been really tough for me, I feel like it has set me back .

Be kind to yourself, kc.

These relationships can bring up intense emotions and it can be challenging when those emotions keep washing over us again and again. You're getting stronger, even if it's hard to see and tell. 

[kc sunshine]

I'm wondering what you all make of the following interaction, and what would have been good to do/not do from a "saving a relationship" perspective.

So I got home late last night (after 6 weeks away) and upon my arrival she sent me texts inviting me over. The texts were smiley and flirty and much nicer that they've been for a couple of months. I was happy but also wary because I knew she had "news" to tell me (see earlier posts in this thread).

She tells me the news: she is seeing a couple seriously and is also seeing another guy (the guy she got together with) less seriously. I handle it pretty well, I think-- pretty graciously. She is still being flirty though, sitting close, etc. She throws in some zingers about our relationship (comparing the two relationships, i guess some similar things are coming up with the couple that came up with me) and I tell her that I'm okay hearing about her new relationship but not so okay hearing her talk badly about our relationship 'cause it meant a lot to me. That also seemed to go okay. She then told me that she and the couple are on a break, and things seemed like they could get intimate.

But then there was a pause in the conversation. In that pause, I told her that on my end I had been on a few dates. Whoa, that stopped everything. She got furious. She said she couldn't talk to me anymore. I tried to tell her that they were just dates, nothing serious and also that I thought she'd be happy that I landed on my feet. Also, that I was confused because she was just telling me about seeing three people. She was too angry to talk. I just had to walk out the door. She sent me a text the next day apologizing for not being able to talk about it.

I'm feeling a bit detached from it all right now, but I'm wondering both what I should have done and what to do going forward from a "saving the relationship" perspective.

[kc sunshine]

What I wish I'd done is after she had told me everything was just to say "wow, there's a lot there to think about and take in" and left it at that. I think that would have been better.

I'm wondering what you all make of the following interaction, and what would have been good to do/not do from a "saving a relationship" perspective.

So I got home late last night (after 6 weeks away) and upon my arrival she sent me texts inviting me over. The texts were smiley and flirty and much nicer that they've been for a couple of months. I was happy but also wary because I knew she had "news" to tell me (see earlier posts in this thread).

She tells me the news: she is seeing a couple seriously and is also seeing another guy (the guy she got together with) less seriously. I handle it pretty well, I think-- pretty graciously. She is still being flirty though, sitting close, etc. She throws in some zingers about our relationship (comparing the two relationships, i guess some similar things are coming up with the couple that came up with me) and I tell her that I'm okay hearing about her new relationship but not so okay hearing her talk badly about our relationship 'cause it meant a lot to me. That also seemed to go okay. She then told me that she and the couple are on a break, and things seemed like they could get intimate.

But then there was a pause in the conversation. In that pause, I told her that on my end I had been on a few dates. Whoa, that stopped everything. She got furious. She said she couldn't talk to me anymore. I tried to tell her that they were just dates, nothing serious and also that I thought she'd be happy that I landed on my feet. Also, that I was confused because she was just telling me about seeing three people. She was too angry to talk. I just had to walk out the door. She sent me a text the next day apologizing for not being able to talk about it.

I'm feeling a bit detached from it all right now, but I'm wondering both what I should have done and what to do going forward from a "saving the relationship" perspective.

[kc sunshine]

She's still mad at me and sends me terse texts. I'm trying to keep it friendly in my replies. I'm confused about what happened-- how to make sense of it. My worry is that in my friendliness, and in basically ignoring her anger, I'm invalidating her. Do you all have any insight or suggestions?

What I wish I'd done is after she had told me everything was just to say "wow, there's a lot there to think about and take in" and left it at that. I think that would have been better.

I'm wondering what you all make of the following interaction, and what would have been good to do/not do from a "saving a relationship" perspective.

So I got home late last night (after 6 weeks away) and upon my arrival she sent me texts inviting me over. The texts were smiley and flirty and much nicer that they've been for a couple of months. I was happy but also wary because I knew she had "news" to tell me (see earlier posts in this thread).

She tells me the news: she is seeing a couple seriously and is also seeing another guy (the guy she got together with) less seriously. I handle it pretty well, I think-- pretty graciously. She is still being flirty though, sitting close, etc. She throws in some zingers about our relationship (comparing the two relationships, i guess some similar things are coming up with the couple that came up with me) and I tell her that I'm okay hearing about her new relationship but not so okay hearing her talk badly about our relationship 'cause it meant a lot to me. That also seemed to go okay. She then told me that she and the couple are on a break, and things seemed like they could get intimate.

But then there was a pause in the conversation. In that pause, I told her that on my end I had been on a few dates. Whoa, that stopped everything. She got furious. She said she couldn't talk to me anymore. I tried to tell her that they were just dates, nothing serious and also that I thought she'd be happy that I landed on my feet. Also, that I was confused because she was just telling me about seeing three people. She was too angry to talk. I just had to walk out the door. She sent me a text the next day apologizing for not being able to talk about it.

I'm feeling a bit detached from it all right now, but I'm wondering both what I should have done and what to do going forward from a "saving the relationship" perspective.

[livednlearned]

Someone who is emotionally labile and sensitive has to learn to self-soothe, we cannot always be trying to do it for them, or protect them from their own negative feelings. In the meantime, we do not offer ourselves up as a target, especially if they are in the process of returning to baseline.

She recognized that she was not able to talk about it, and apologized for this. And now she is probably sorting through the double standard, why it's ok for her to be interested in others, while she is struggling to deal with your own separate life. This is more about the abandonment issues around individuation/independence of self than it is about you, although the two are related.

Can you give her time to process how she feels without stepping in? This will interfere with her taking care of herself, and maybe coming up with her own insights about why she is having a hard time with you dating.

[kc sunshine]

Thank you for this livednlearned, and for thinking with me through these interactions these past couple of weeks. Before I read your response I ended up texting her about having a check in about our transition to friends. She was open to it and we went on a little walk, which was nice. We talked mostly about other stuff and agreed that we shouldn't discuss our new relationships with each other (no relationship talk zone) for the time being. That makes sense to me and I'd prefer not to hear the details about her relationships. So I think it all went okay, all things considered. Heart of hearts a big part of me wishes we were still together, but this peace between is very precious too.

I do wonder though, what would have happened if we had slept together the night I got back. Would we be together again? Did I miss my chance by opening my mouth about my dates (which weren't very significant). Those questions are in my head-- they are not as overwhelming as they were a couple of months ago when we first broke up, but they are still there, these missed chances at reconciliation.

Someone who is emotionally labile and sensitive has to learn to self-soothe, we cannot always be trying to do it for them, or protect them from their own negative feelings. In the meantime, we do not offer ourselves up as a target, especially if they are in the process of returning to baseline.

She recognized that she was not able to talk about it, and apologized for this. And now she is probably sorting through the double standard, why it's ok for her to be interested in others, while she is struggling to deal with your own separate life. This is more about the abandonment issues around individuation/independence of self than it is about you, although the two are related.

Can you give her time to process how she feels without stepping in? This will interfere with her taking care of herself, and maybe coming up with her own insights about why she is having a hard time with you dating.