Hi Syi706,
sounds like you bf is stressed out and anything may trigger him. It may be time to take a step back and realize that at this point in time he is not ready for a relationship of equals and adjust your expectations accordingly.
I've been in a relationship with this man for only FIVE months and it's been emotionally and mentally draining. I love him so much but the way he is when he is angry is killing our relationship, which is the majority of the time. We are constantly arguing and he is always livid about the littlest things that I "did" and always saying we don't work but in the end maybe either a few hours later or so he gets lovey dovey and wants me to stay. There's nothing I can say or do for him to understand my feelings and point of view when he is angry. It's always my fault for annoying him. When I say something, sometimes he takes it out of context or even make things bigger than it really is and he will blow up at me calling me names, telling me to eff off, and to find someone else to be with that will take my crap and annoying behaviors. But I am so flabbergasted as to how quickly he can change. One minute he tells me I'm like a cancer and he could be happier without me and then next he is telling me to come home to talk to him. One time, he blew up at me and did the usual name calling and how I am the worst gf and he regrets pursuing me to be in a relationship with him while I was crying in front of him not understanding what I really did and feeling so hurt and damaged by the way he was treating me and talking to me. Then within a snap of a finger after I had asked him if he really hated me, he turned to me and smiled and said he was joking and that he just wanted me to feel bad for what I did. But I still didn't really understand why "what I did" was such a big deal (I didn't see if he had eating utensils for dinner while sitting at the dinner table).
Please study the workshops on validation and invalidation - one starting point may be this thread:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=221022.0His feelings are not understood by himself, very strong and overwhelming. Your emotions on top simply blow the lid... .
He has weak boundaries and you likely too. That makes it hard for him to distinguish what is your fault and his. What is cause and what is effect. Simple short circuit solution: You are to blame. Provides quick relief to him.
Name calling is disrespecting you. Here boundaries like doing a time-out can help. Boundaries (one after the other put in place with planning and sometimes struggle) can also help to provide a clearer sense who is responsible for what emotion.
B&w behavior is part of the condition but strongest when the person is emotionally excited. Calming down the living situation on an overall level by avoiding invalidation, providing validation, structure and insisting on mutual respect via boundaries is key to reduce that tendency. Framing matters in dialectical b&w terms can be a good way communicating what we feel is grey and avoiding thus unnecessary invalidation.
He seems conflict oriented. You will not be able to avoid conflicts in a relationship with him. Rather than avoiding them think about how you would deal with them.
I can't let him be like this in front of our kids if we decide to settle down with each other. I just can't. I grew up with a violent dad and there is no way in hell I will put my kids through anything close to that.
It starts with verbal abuse. The earlier boundaries are put in place the easier it is.
,
a0
